Jokes

[Havell]

This is a thread where we can share jokes we heard, I'll start it off:

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are put in solitary confinement by a judge, but he says they can each take one thing in with them. The Scotsman takes his wife (the judge had to agree), the Englishman took his phone and the Irishman got out his calculator, worked something out and took 3,000 cartons of cigarettes.
After the 10 years were up the Scotsman came out with his wife and 12 children they had had, the Englishman announced he was now a millionaire through a business he had started over the phone, the Irishman came out and asked, "Anyone got a light?".

[Kiddiarni]

lol...heard that one befor though...How 'bout a classic Bush Joke

Laura and President Bush were on a plane going to Florida. Out of the sudden, President Bush said "How about I throw out one $100 bill, and make one person happy?" Laura replied "Or you could throw out two $50 bills and make two people happy." After some speculations and a overuse a calculator Bush says "How 'bout throwing out 5 $20 bills and make 5 people happy. Now the Pilot turns around, frustrated because of their ignorance and says "Why don't you both jump off the plane and make the whole world happy?"

[Titan]

[quote]lol...heard that one befor though...How 'bout a classic Bush Joke

Laura and President Bush were on a plane going to Florida. Out of the sudden, President Bush said "How about I throw out one $100 bill, and make one person happy?" Laura replied "Or you could throw out two $50 bills and make two people happy." After some speculations and a overuse a calculator Bush says "How 'bout throwing out 5 $20 bills and make 5 people happy. Now the Pilot turns around, frustrated because of their ignorance and says "Why don't you both jump off the plane and make the whole world happy?"


LMAO... good one!

[Tom Henrik]

You have probably heard this one before, but... :wink:


President Bush was sitting in the doctor's chair, while the doctor was examining his read-outs and X-ray scans... After looking at them for what seemed to Bush to be an eternity, the doctor finally turns around and started talking to him.

"Now Mister President. I have examined your results carefully, and I am afraid I have some bad news for you... It seems there is nothing left in your right brain-half, and nothing right in your left..."

[eric10051981]

LOL... how about this one?

Doctor : i'm afraid i got a bad news and a much worse one for you sir..
Patient : might as well start with the bad one
Doctor : you only have 24 hours left to live
Patient : Godness!! what can be more worse than that?
Doctor : we've been trying to call you since yesterday..

[Havell]

A man with a meat and potato pie on his head walks into a bar. The barman says, "Why have you got a meat and potato pie on your head?".
The man replies, "It's a Wednesday, I always wear a meat and potato pie on my head on Wednesdays."
"But it's not Wednesday, its Tuesday today." says the barman.
"Oh, no!" cries the man, "I must look like a right idiot!"

[Prox]

khhhhhhhh........hhh..... :lol:

Haso's wife just had a baby and went to the hospital to visit them. And the nurse tells him there was a terrible mixup: 'We don't know wich of these babyes is yours, one is chinese, but for the other two we are not sure, it could be yours or it could be Herzegovian, could you try to identify them, fathers often have a sixt sence for this'. And so Haso looks at the babbies and picks the chinese, end the nurse askes him: 'Are you sure???', 'No, but at least I'm sure it's not Herzegovian!'.

[Prox]

Here's a couple of morbid jokes:


Mummy, mummy, what's for dinner?
Shut up and get back into the microwave!

Mummy, mummy, but I don't want to see grandpa...
Shut up and keep digging!

Mummy, mummy, but I don't like grandma...
Well don't eat it then.

Mummy, mummy, but I don't want to go to England!
Shut up and keep swimming

Mummy, mummy, when are we going to kill grandpa?
Don't be foolis son, we already heve half of grandma in the freezer...

Mummy, mummy, why is daddy running around???
Shut up and help me load the gun...

Mummy, mummy, why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up or I'll rip your other leg too!!!

[Havell]

Little Jimmy threw his sister is the well one day. His mother was very angry, "We'll have to buy a filter now!" she said.

[eric10051981]

a new one

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the a$$istant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[Seraphim13]

Cursed ICU
In a certain hospital, a strange phenomenon have been occuring for the past ten years. On every Friday at exactly 5.30 am, the patient on a certain bed of the ICU would promptly go flatline.

The doctors and nurses was all very puzzled because this happen to all patients staying on that bed even to those in stable conditions.

The staff then decided to stake out the bed and find out the truth. Sure enough on that Friday at 5.29am the door to the ICU opened and ... ... ... ... ...





The cleaning lady came in, pull out the power plug for the life support system from the wall socket and plug in the vacuum cleaner.

[LotharGR]

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

DOS: Defective Operating System - Dead Operating System

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

[eric10051981]

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows on my PC, I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows CD. To my astonishment and distress he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned it on. I was upset because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold and it seemed to have become thicker and heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, in lines finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C20 4F6E65204F5320746F
2066696E64207468656D2C0D0A4F6E65204F5320746F206272 696E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062 696E64207468656D

'I cannot read the fiery letters,' I said.
'No,' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:'

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

[Prox]

[quote]
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
....in the land of Microsoft where the shadows lie!

[Prox]

Here's a new one:

A cop pulls over an Audi quatro, takes a look inside and says: 'OK, all five of you guys out, you're under arrest!!!'
-But there's only five of us, that's perfectly legal!
-No, no, this is an Audi quatro, quatro - that means four...
-But, please, let us explain...
-No, no, no, there's nothing to explain...
-Well go ask your partner, I'm sure he can explain to you...
-Oh, no, he is too buisy arguing with those two guys from FIAT Uno...

[Omuletzu]

Lol good one

Here's one
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

[unclefester]

There was a Turk a German and a Greek travelling with an airplane around Europe. When the plane was flying over Germany the German thows a beercan and says
German:Hail to Germany and its great beers!
When they plane was flying over Turkey the Turk throws a knife and says
Turk:Hail to Turkey and its elaborate knives
Finally when the plane was flying over Greece the Greek threw a pack of explosives and said
Greek: Hail to greece and its great explosives
When the German went home he found his mother weeping and asked what had happened. His mother told him that a beercan landed on his father's head and knocked him dead.
When the Turk arrived at his home he also saw his mother crying and ask why she was crying. His mother told him that a knife landed on his father's head and pierced his skull
When the greek went home he saw his mother laughing.
Greek: Why are you laughing ?
Greek's Mother: Your father farted and the house fell apart!!!


I really hope you liked it. It is very popular in my town

[Prox]

That one reminded me of another one:

A Cuban, a German, a Croatian and a Serbian where flying in an airplane...
The Cuban takes a cigare, lights it and throws it out of the aeroplane.
-What, what are you doing???, the others asked.
-There's a lot more where that came from...
The German takes a glas of beer and throws it out of the aeroplane.
-What, what are you doing???
-There's a lot more where that came from...
The Serbian takes a watermellon, cuts it and throws it out of the aeroplane.
-What, what are you doing???
-There's a lot more where that came from...
And so the Croatian was wandering what could he throw out of the aeroplane, at last he came to a decision: he took the Serbian and threw him out of the aeroplane...
-What, what are you doing, are you insane!!!???
-There's a lot more where that came from...

[Kiddiarni]

ONce were eleven hippos and one strawberry taking a bath. Suddenly one of the hippos said, Strawberry, could you hand me the shampoo please? the Strawberry answers: DO you think I am a FUCKING RADIO OR SOMETHING?



HAHAHAHA

Once there was an orange mopping a skyscraper. He fell down, but it was ok because he had a mars chocolate in his pocket...

HAHAHAHA

[Havell]

:?: :?: :?:

[FreeFreddy]

Oh, well. I think Kiddiarni is going to be mad from playing too many old games... :roll:

[Omuletzu]

Okay enough giberish.Here's a joke:
The blonde's revenge:

"A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"



The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.

His father said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you.
You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you.You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that.You know Samson had long hair,Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

[Havell]

I have a poem about the days before computers:

Remember when.......

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3.5" floppy
you hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens, they will wish they were dead.

I don't know who wrote it but I got it off www.monster-island.org/tinashumor/computer.html

[Prox]

:lol:

OK, so, one day the Slovenians built their first nuclear bomb, but they didn't know what to do with it, finally they decided to launch the bomb on the USA, and so a couple of days passed and there was no word from the USA, so they built another nuclear bomb and, again, launched it on the USA... After a few weeks and no response from the USA, the president of Slovenia Janeš Drnovšek decided to call Bush, and so he said:
-Boush, how come you dont respond to us bombardindg your country with nuclear warheads???
-Drnovshek, you son of a *****, we'll anhialate you as soon as we find you on the map!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Slovenia is so small that when someone farts in Slovenia, it stinks in Croatia

Slovenia is so small that when someone in Slovenia has a headache, we Croatians drink aspirines

[Omuletzu]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Hope there are no slovenians on the site :wink:

[Dream]

If everything else fails, bomb iraq!

http://www.apelsin.nu/classics/?url=bomb_iraq

[Omuletzu]

If you want links to online humour try this:

http://www.liquidgeneration.com

http://www.webflash.com/

One of the best cartoons : http://webflash.com/indexframe.php?id=794

verry funny :D :D :P

[Kiddiarni]

U wanna seee something FUNNNNNNNNY

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/endofworld.html

[Omuletzu]

Lol this is exactly the same cartoon depicted here :
http://webflash.com/indexframe.php?id=794 (wich i wrote earlier)

[Dream]

more classic

http://www.privatehand.com/flash/elements.html


Karaoke! W00t!

http://www.dr.dk/skum/cigarfar/growl.asp

And who wouldn't love MOOOON!

http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/

[Dream]

And last since I guess you already have enough of me infesting this thread

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail94.html

[Dream]

more classic

http://www.privatehand.com/flash/elements.html


Karaoke! W00t!

http://www.dr.dk/skum/cigarfar/growl.asp

And who wouldn't love MOOOON!

http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/


Just in case you missed it.

[Kiddiarni]

Well this one is really weird...

http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?bo...51208&f_id=1034 (http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?box_id=51208&f_id=1034)

And this one is SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUPER COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?bo...=51208&f_id=955 (http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?box_id=51208&f_id=955)

And for those of u who know "Badger Badger" this one is nerdish

http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?bo...=51208&f_id=959 (http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?box_id=51208&f_id=959)

[Omuletzu]

Here's one:

Bill Gates and the president of General Motors have met for lunch, and Bill is going on and on about computer technology. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour," says Gates. "Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. Why haven't you guys kept up?"

The president of GM smiles and says, "Because the federal government won't let us build cars that crash four times a day."

[Maikel]

And last since I guess you already have enough of me infesting this thread

http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail94.html

A fellow homestarrunner fan!

8)

[Prox]

wtf is wrong with this topic no one posted a joke for nearly two months now...
Looks like I have to kick in:

Mujo, how do you think those terrorists abduct planes, if they are so big and heavy???
Haso, you moron, they dont abduct them while they are on the grond, they abduct them when they are in the air, all tiny and small...

How do police men open a can of tuna fish?
-- OPEN UP IT'S THE POLICE!!!

Ninđža :ph34r: :wacko:

[Havell]

I've noticed that we don't have any French forum members so I can post this :twisted: :

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Frenchman are walking through the desert when they find a Genie's lamp, they rub the lamp and the Genie pops out and says, "Well, usually I give three wish to whoever finds me but there are three of you so you can have one wish each.". The Irishman is first, "I wish that all the pubs in Ireland gave out beer for free and that I was there in Dublin, drinking with all my friends right now." so he goes back to Ireland for a life of happness with all of his friends. The Frenchman is next, "I wish for a twenty kilometre high wall to be built around the borders of France that absolutely nothing can get in or out of, then I wish that all non-French people be removed from France and for all Frenchmen to be teleported into France immediatly." so he goes off for a happy life with all of his fellow countrymen. Last is the Englishman, "So this wall, it goes all the way around France?"
"Yes" says the Genie.
"And all absolutely nothing can get in or out of this wall?"
"Yes"
"And every single French person in the world is inside this wall?"
"Yes"
"Fill it up with water."

[FreeFreddy]

Originally posted by R Havell@Aug 29 2004, 09:41 PM
"Fill it up with water."
:lol: :D :lol:
(damn, no real smileys here...)

[Prox]

'I think, therefore I am!' - says the Bosnian and dissapears
What's the Montenegro national record on the 100m sprint???
--60m!
Good morning too all you hard working Montenegrians( :blink: ), this is your early morning radio host and its exactly 12 PM!!!
(no offense B) )

[TheVoid]

This one is similar to R Havell's one...

A bear is hunting a bunny: he's on the way to catch him and eat him, when suddenly a fairy appears. The two animals stiop running, and look at her astonished.
"I will grant to each of you two wishes", she says.
"Well", says the bear " I want to be the most charming among bears, so that all females will like me".
"Your wish is granted", says the fairy.
"I", says the bunny, "want a fast motorbike, with plenty of petrol and ready to run."
"So be as you wish", replies the fairy.
"My last wish", says the bear, "is to be the only male among bears, so that I won't have any opponent when I want to seduce a female."
"So be it", says the fairy. "What's your second wish, bunny?"
"I want this bear to be homosexual" says the bunny, then jumps on the motorbike and shoots off with a squeal of tyres.

:sneaky:

[FreeFreddy]

Originally posted by TheVoid@Sep 2 2004, 12:18 AM
A bear is hunting a bunny: he's on the way to catch him and eat him, when suddenly a fairy appears. The two animals stiop running, and look at her astonished.
"I will grant to each of you two wishes", she says.
"Well", says the bear " I want to be the most charming among bears, so that all females will like me".
"Your wish is granted", says the fairy.
"I", says the bunny, "want a fast motorbike, with plenty of petrol and ready to run."
"So be as you wish", replies the fairy.
"My last wish", says the bear, "is to be the only male among bears, so that I won't have any opponent when I want to seduce a female."
"So be it", says the fairy. "What's your second wish, bunny?"
"I want this bear to be homosexual " says the bunny, then jumps on the motorbike and shoots off with a squeal of tyres
Haha, that was mean :D

[aaberg]

What is the similarity between a hunting rifle and a blond?



They both has to get bend over, and loadet from behind.
:lol:

[Kiddiarni]

hmm...Dirty...

Once there where two golfclubs on a bar. The first on asked for a Vodka Martini, and then the Bartender asked the other one "What would you like?", "Nothing, I'm a DRIVER"

AHAHAHA :lol:

Dont Drink and Drive ;)

[Havell]

OK, slight risque but not as dirty as Aaberg's ( :ok: ):

Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, having just died. Saint Peter (who guards the gates of Heaven) said, "Ok, Heaven is getting a bit full now so we're having to allow people in now not only if they lead a good life but whether they died in an exicting way, so you tell me how you died and I'll decide whether your allowed in or not."
The first man steps up, he starts his story, "I lived on the 20th floor of a block of flats, I was coming home from work one day when I heard sounds of muffled conversation and fast movement inside my flat, when I got inside I found my wife was only wearing a see-through negliee so I of course presumed she was having an affair, I ran around the house looking for the man and, sure enough, there was a man hanging from the balcony. So I stepped on his fingers but he still wouldn't fall off, so I ran inside the house, picked up a hammer and started hitting his fingers with the hammer, and that was when he lost his grip and dropped 20 floors, I thought he was dead but then I saw him move, so I ran inside the house, picked up the fridge and dropped it on him, that killed him. But with all the exitement I had a heart-attack and died right there on the balcony."
"Well that's exicting! You're allowed into Heaven"
So the next man came along and told his story, "I lived on the 21st floor of a block of flats, I was leaning over my balcony, smoking a ciggartte when I slipped and fell off! Fortunatly I grabbed thge balcony of the flat below. Then this lunatic ran onto the balcony and tryed to get me off the balcony, I hung on all could but eventually he hit me with a hammer and I fell. I just survived and I was so happy that I did, then the madman dropped a fridge on me! And here I am, dead."
"That's exiteing too, you're allowed in."
The third man steps up, "OK, picture this, I'm hiding in a fridge...

[FreeFreddy]

Yep, the irony is clear... http://forum.giga.de/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Kiddiarni@Sep 2 2004, 08:05 PM
hmm...Dirty...

Once there where two golfclubs on a bar. The first on asked for a Vodka Martini, and then the Bartender asked the other one "What would you like?", "Nothing, I'm a DRIVER"

AHAHAHA :lol:

Dont Drink and Drive ;)
Don't drink and drive, when you can smoke grass and fly (joke).


This is one of the best jokes I ever heard:

After all read-outs and X-ray scans, the doctor said: "We have noticed a rare virus infestation. You have only ten more left...
Patient: "Ten what? Years, Months, Days..."
Doctor: "Nine..."

[Stroggy]

A rabbi, a priest, an imam, an irishman, a frenchman, an american, a swede, a russian, an hungarian, a pole, a bear, an archbishop, an australian, a Belgian, a dutchman, a spaniard, a greek, an italian, a beautyqueen, a homosexual, a donkey, a midget, an angel, a demon, a roman, an egyptian, an iraqi, a syrian, a chinese, a japanese, a vietnamese, a catonese, a nepalese, a mexican, a turk, an argentinian, a driver and a 10 inch pianist walk into a bar.

...I'm better at inventing jokes myself on the spot during a conversation :unsure:

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Stroggy@Sep 2 2004, 10:42 PM
I'm better at inventing jokes myself on the spot during a conversation :unsure:
Me, too. My friends can't stop laughting when I get my "yellow minute".

[Stroggy]

Most jokes are in real life.
a stupid example.
Me and my friends go out to eat some fries in between courses.
We're silently eating, enjoying the cullinary delights of fat fried foods, when suddenly I star laughing.
My best friend, who is always in for a good laugh, asks me why I am laughing.
I point forward at a big plaque (actually it was a poster the owner of the diner had made) over the garbagecans.
On the white plaque, in big red letters, is written: "we recycle YOU too". its amazing the difference a mere comma can make.

Believe it or not, I laugh most of the day!
Thats right, your beloved hippy-hater laughs a lot

[Puffin]

:huh:
You hate hippies???
That's not funny :(

[Stroggy]

Originally posted by Puffin@Sep 2 2004, 08:54 PM
:huh:
You hate hippies???
That's not funny :(
hippies aren't funny.
they're damned filthy attention*****s who revel in their own fabrications and prefer the chaos of their mind-altering drugs over the order the government provides!
If drugs is the key to peace, than give me war!

[Puffin]

Well... maybe.....

There were two tomatoes crossing a street.....
then a car chrashes one of them!
Then the other tomatoe shouted: "Hurry up, tomato-sauce!"


HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA :w00t:
HAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA......
HAHAHAHA.........
HAHA......
....HA....

B)

[Stroggy]

I remember hearing that one in kindergarten or something
anyway, its old

[Unknown Hero]

Two ballons are walking across the desert.
Ballon1: "Lookout! Cactusssssssss.
Ballon2:"I don't sssssssssssee it!

[Puffin]

IT'S OLD?!?!?!?!? :huh: :unsure:
wow.... I didn't know that....... I just heard it yesterday.... laughed myself crazy..... at the mall.... they called the security...... :unsure:



(I'm being sarcastic)

[Stroggy]

the only jokes heard in belgium these days are racist jokes (mainly against the arab population)
I'm afraid I won't be contributing those

[Havell]

OK, slightly sick jokes:

How many babies does it take to paint a room?

It depends how hard you throw them.

How many babies does it take to tile a roof?

It depends how thinly you slice them.

There are about 20 "dead baby jokes" that I know of and these are the least disgusting of them, I won't tell you all of them.

[Puffin]

What's worse than 20 babies in a barrell?

One baby in 20 barrels!!

What's funnier than a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown costume!!!


Those are really disgusting..... yup...

[Havell]

What's cute and fizzy?

A baby in an acid bath.

This is what me and my friends do in our spare time (tell sick jokes).

[FreeFreddy]

What is a Turkish tank looking alike? It's a garbage can with the spitting pipe in the hole.´
B)

[Kiddiarni]

"Yo mama's so fat i run around her for exercise" :D

[Puffin]

Do you remember when we were on the bus and you looked out of the window and I put my ass in the window and everybody thought we were twins?






Well, not funny..... DAMN i need to learn more jokes :huh:

[Kiddiarni]

Q:What are 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A:A Good start

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Kiddiarni@Sep 3 2004, 12:31 AM
"Yo mama's so fat i run around her for exercise" :D
Yo mama's female!

[Unknown Hero]

I wish you to catch your chidlren with magnetes!

[Prox]

Two frogs are crossing the street...
frog1: Watch out, it's a truck-uck-uck-uck...
frog2: Yeah, and it has a trailer-ler-ler-ler...

[Prox]

What's small, black and scratching the glass?
A baby in a microwave!

What's red and sprinkles all around?
A baby playing with a microwave!

I know a couple of jew jokes, but they'r too offensive, antisemitistic, sick, perverse, racistic........, so....

[Prox]

How do you know where a Herzegovian lives???
You can see toilet paper drying on a string in front of the house.

What's the difference between a rich Herzegovian and a poor Herzegovian???
The poor Herzegovian does+nt use a car-wash to wash his Mercedes...

[TheVoid]

You have a crush on Herzegovians, haven't you? :wub:


I was there, lying in the bed



completely naked



missing your soft touch



and the warm feeling you gave me....



Where are you?????





FUCKING PYJAMA!!!!!

[Havell]

Thanks Prox, I didn't know those baby jokes :lol: .

A man run into his house and says to his wife, "I've just won the lottery! Start packing your bags!"
"What should I pack for," says his wife "hot or cold weather?"
"I don't care, as long as your out of the house by midday!"

[Prox]

What does IBM mean?

IDEAS BRING MONEY
INSIDIOUS BYZANTINE MENTALITY
INTERGALACTIC BOTTOMLINE MISTAKE
INEVITABLY BAD MARKETING
INDICISION BREEDS MISTAKES
INSHALLAH BURAK MA'LESH
IMENSA BOLA DE MANTECA
ICONOCLASTIC BILATERAL MONOPOLY
INCONTINENT BANDOLERISMO MOLOCK
IMPERIAL BELLICOSE` MARAUDER
IMPIOUS BACCHANALIAN METOPOLIS
I'D BUY MACINTOSH
IMBECILIC BAD MICROS
IMPERIALISIM BY MARKETING
INTENSELY BORING MACHINES
INTERESTING BUT MUNDANE
INTERNALS BY MEDIOCRITY
INTO BUILDING MONEY
INDUSTRIES' BUNGLING MONOLITH
IRRESPONIBLY BEHAVED MULTINATIONAL
INCREASINGLY BAD MANUFACTURING
INSIPIDLY BANKROLLING MILLIONS
INCONSISTENT BUSINESS MACHINES
INNOVATION BY MANAGEMENT
INDUSTRY BOWEL MOVEMENT
I'M BEING MANIPULATED
INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD MAGICIANS
INTERCOURSE BEATS MASTUBATION
INCREDIBLY BLOODY MINDED
IDEALISTICALLY BACKWARD MICROCOMPUTERS
INTENTIONALLY BRAINDAMAGED MACHINERY
IDLE BRAIN MALFUNCTION
IMITABLE BORING MICROCOMPUTERS
IMPECCABLY BLUE-DRESSED MANAGERS
ITTY BITTY MACHINES
I'VE BEEN MISLED
IFS BUTS MAYBES
IT'S BETTER 'MORROW
INCOMPATIBLE BLUE MACHINES
INDIGESTION BOTHERS ME
INTERSMASHABLE BYTE MANIPULATORS
ICONS BYGONES MY MOM'S
IT BREAKS MONTHLY
INFINITELY BAFFLING MOTIVES
I'M BUYING MACINTOSH
IT'S BETTER MANUALLY
IMITATION BURROUGHS MACHINE
INCREDIBLY BIG MONSTERS
ITTY BITTY MENTALITY
INCREDIBLE BOWEL MOVEMENT
I'VE BEEN MESMERIZED
INSIGNIFICANT BOTHERSOME MACHINES
ITS BROKE MA'AM
INTERNATIONAL BIT MANGLER
INCREASINGLY BANAL MANAGEMENT
INFERNAL BLUE MACHINE
INSULTINGLY BORING MICROCOMPUTERS
ILL-MANNERED BESOTTED MACROCOSM
IMMEASUREABLE BIGHEADED MALAPERT
IMPERSONAL BELLICOSE MAGNATE
INSOLENT BICKERING MAL-DER-MER
INDECOROUS BOASTFUL MERCENARY
INEPT BULLYING MENACE
IMMOVABLE BRASH MONOLITH
INFERIOR BEFORE MACINTOSH
ICI BEAUCOUP MERDE
I'M BEYOND MISTAKES
I'VE BEEN MANGLED
INHERENTLY BY MICROSOFT
INCREDIBLY BAD MANUALS
I'LL BUY MACINTOSH
IT'S BEYOND MONOLITHIC
INSTALL BIGGER MEMORY
INFERNAL BIG MISTAKE
INCREDIBLY BROAD MONOPOLY
IT'S BUGGING ME
ITTY BITTY MOUSE
I BRING MADNESS
INCREDIBLY BIG MANUFACTURER
INDUSTRY'S BIGGEST MISTAKE
I BUILT MINE
I BROKE MINE
IDIOTS BEING MENTAL
I'VE BEEN MAULED
INVENTED BY MALADROITS
INVENTED BY MARKETING
INSULTINGQ BOORISH MANNER
INANE BRUTISH MERCHANDIZING
INFINITE BUDGET MERCHANDIZING
IT'S BULLSHIT MUMMERY
IT'S BECOME MONOLITHIC
INADEQUATES BECOMING MILLIONAIRES
I'D BE MISINFORMING
IDIOTS BECAME MANAGERS
INCREDIBLY BORING MANUALS
INCREDIBLY BELLIGERENT MARKETING
INTERESTING BUY MEDIORCRE
INVENTED BY MURPHY
INSANELY BETTER MARKETING
ILLUSTRIOUS BUSY MICE
ITTY BITTY MAHARISHI
ILLMANNERS BEING MANDATORY
IT BROKE ME
ILLUSTRIOUS BANKRUPTCY MALEFACTOR
INSENSITIVITY BEGETS MEDIOCRITY
I'VE BECOME MAGNANIMOUS
I BLAME MATHEMATICS
INTERNAL BYTE MALEFUNCTION
INTELLECTUALLY BLESSED MARKETERS
INSTANT BLACK MARKET
IBMERS BUG ME
INDESTRUCTIBLE BLUE MONSTER
INCREDIBLY BIG MONEY
INDISPOSED BLACK MONDAY
I BELIEVE IN MONEY
INDUSTRY BULLY MANIFIQUE
INCREDIBLY BORING MACHINES
INFOWORLDS BEST MONEYMAKERS
INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS MANIPULATORS
INDUSTRY'S BIG MAMA
INTEL'S BEST MERCHANDIZER
INNOVATION? BAH! MARKETING
I'VE BEEN MEGAMARKETED
INDUSTRY'S BEING MEGAMARKETED
INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS MACHINES
IMITATION BURROUGHS MACHINES
IMPROVED BURROUGHS MACHINES
INFERIOR BUSINESS MACHINES
IMMENSELY BLAND MERCENARIES
IMPRUDENT BOORISH MOB
IMPERFECT BOMBASTIC MONEYMAKERS
INFAMOUS BIZZARE MONSTERS
INHUMAN BABBLING MADMEN
IGNORANT BAFFLING MAJORITY
ILLUSIVE BEWILDERING MYTHS
IDENTICAL BELLIGERENT MYSTICS
IMPERISHABLE BRUTAL MANURE
INSIPID BARBARIC MAGICIANS
ITSY BITSY MONOPOLY
INTENTIONALLY BEEN MANIPULATED
I BUY MORE





I found this on a 10 year old CD at my uncle's place so I don't know who wrote it, but who ever it is, THANK YOU!

[Havell]

MIRCOSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

And the best IBM one in my opinion:

I Blame Microsoft

[Red Diablo]

An old blind man walks into a lesbian bar, orders a beer and after a while says loudly:
"Did you hear the one about the stupid blonde ?"

The entire bar turns quiet in a second, and he hears a very angry voice:
"I'm a wrestling champion, and my girlfriend is a professional boxer.
Also with us are two karate experts, and a bodybuilder.
We're all blond ! Are you sure you want to tell that joke ?!?"

"No way! Not if I have to explain it five times.... :D :bleh:

[Unknown Hero]

I have that IBM jokes, too. Take a look at this one.

Errors

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
-------- The information went data way --------
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
Who's General Failure, why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."- Bill Gates, 1981
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?#@$@%SEeRA
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (T)hrowup
Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (P)anic
A)bort, ®etry, (T)ake down entire network?
A)bort, ®etry, (G)et a beer?
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. :D :P



BTW R Havell take a look at your joke about IBM. There are to many of the same jokes.

[Unknown Hero]

Ok. Let's stop with this "big" jokes. What about picture or sound jokes?
Take a look at this :D!
Crazy cow! (http://www.abandonia.com/~incoming/Unknown%20Hero/krave.doc)

[Unknown Hero]

No new jokes today?
I guess it's again up to me to keep this thread alive.

Joke title: "How to make an icons in which you can't enter!"
Joke: "Click on show desktop icon or just close any window you are running.
Press "print screen", open paint, press ctrl+v or go to edit>paste. Go to file>save and choose a directory where you want to save your desktop. Close paint. Right click on desktop with mouse>properties>desktop>browse and find where you saved your desktop picture. Then put it as desktop background. Again close all windows, right click on desktop arrange icons by>show desktop icons (must be turned off) and finaly enjoy the faces of your parents and friends. ("Hey, Viktor, I think you have a virus on your computer!" :lol:)

[Havell]

Lol, I did that once at school, it was funny :D.

[Prox]

A lady accidentally drops her baby out of a window on the 16th floor of an apartment building...
-Help! Help! Someone save my baby!!!
-Don't worry mam, I'll catch it, I'm a professional goalkeeper!

-----GOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!-----

(for those who didn't get it: He didn't catch the baby)


A father is trying to learn his son how to swim, so he throws him into a pool...
- Come on son, just wave youre arms and legs, c'mon arms-legs-arms-legs-arms-legs-arms-legs... Oh fcuk it now!!!

(for those who didn't get it: the kid drowned)

[Iron_Scarecrow]

There is a group of Nazi's on one side of the road having a picnic. There's a group of Palestinians on the other side of the road also having a picnic. A bus drives past and it's full of Jews. The driver hits the kerb and flips the bus, he climbs out and yells "Someone give me a hand" so all the Nazi's and the Palistinians stand up and clap.

A man walks into a pub (and says ouch (ahahahaha)) with a Emu and a Cat. they take a table and the man comes up to the bar and buys the first round. the Emu buys the second round. And then the man walks up to the bar to buy the third round. The bartender notices the Cat hasnt bought any rounds yet so he asks the man "I noticed the Cat hasnt bought any rounds yet". The man replies "Yeah I found a Genie in a bottle and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy".

[FreeFreddy]

Bernd telephones with his new hot girlfriend. "I love dry white wine", whispers she into the receiver. "I have two bottles in the cellar", sings Bernd. "I drive absolutely on Robbie Williams off" - "Yesterday I bought his newest CD, sweetie!" "I dream to make love on an animal fur for hours" - "No problem, darling, I'll shoot my dog!"

[Prox]

Three Serbs, a mother, a father and their son, where out fishing on the Danube, and after a while they catch a gold fish, and the fish says:
-Well normally I grant a person three wishes, but since there is three of you i suppose I'll grant one wish to each of you.
So the father says:
-Oh, uhm, well, I wish I was a Croat...
-No problem - says the fish - just swim accros the Danube and you'll become one.
The mother says:
-Well since my husband wants to become a Croat, I wish it too.
-No problem - says the fish - just swim accros the Danube and you'll become one.
And the kid says:
-Oh well since my parents wish to become Croats, there is no sence for me to wish anything different, I want to become a Croat too.
-No problem - says the fish - just swim accros the Danube and you'll become one.
And so the father swims accros the river and becomes a Croat...
The mother swims accros the Danube, and, guess what, she becomes a Croat...
And the son starts swimming and gets about half the way and starts drowning and yelling:
-Help me, mom, dad, help me!!!
So the mother on the other side says to her husband:
-Honey, he's drowning, we gotta help him!
-Oh let it drown, the Serbian scum!!!

[Iron_Scarecrow]

What do priests and christmas trees have in common: Their balls are just for decoration.

What kind of hairspray do witches use: Scarespray. :lol:
It's funny cause it's really lame.

[FreeFreddy]

In the mathematics lesson Tom is asked by the teacher: "Your father goes from Munich toward Augsburg. He puts four kilometers back per hour. Your uncle goes two hours later from the same place off with a speed of five kilometers per hour. Where do they meet?" - "In the next tavern."

The preacher wants to control the donation behavior of his sheeps. Thus he places himself after the gods service at the exit beside the money bag. A boy wants to by-pass without giving some money. The preacher stops him to talk: "Aren't you ashamed? Do you know, where young kids come if they withhold the being entitled for the sky?" - "Sure, Mr. Preacher. They come into the cinema!"

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Two blondes are going to Disneyland. They saw a sign that said Disneyland left. So they turned around and went home.

What do you call an aboriginal in a freezer: Stiff shit

What do you call an aboriginal rolling up a hill: Black magic

What do you call an aboriginal in a red car: A jaffa

What do you call an aboriginal stuck between two rocks: Choc wedge

I know its discrimination and I dont like discrimnating, but they are funny.

[Iron_Scarecrow]

What did the fish say when he swam into a brick wall: damn

Why did the woman cross the road: Who cares why wasnt she in the kitchen.

Why couldn't the woman cross the road: the chains tying her to the kitchen weren't long enough.

[Prox]

A young German got his first bike for his 5th birthday, so he rides i up to town and some time later he returnes home without a bike crying:
-Mommy, mommy, some Jews stole my bike!!!
-Oh son, we'll get you a new one, I promise...
And so on his 6th birthday he gets a new bike, and naturally he rides it off into town, a few hours later he returnes home without a bike, and again, crying:
-Mommy, mommy, some Jews broke my bike!!!
-Oh son, we'll get you a new one, I promise...
And exactly one year later, on his 7th birthday he gets a brand new bike, so he rides it also into town, again a few hours later he returnes home without a bike, crying:
-Mommy, mommy, some Jews completelly smashed up my bike!!!
-Oh, Adolf, you'll have youre revenge once you grow up...

And this is the real truth why Hitler hated Jews!

[Unknown Hero]

How do aboriginals call athethlic runners: Fast food!

[Prox]

What's more fun than nailing a baby to the wall?
-Ripping it off the wall!

What's little, blue and lying on the bottom of a pool?
-A drowned baby!

What's little, GREEN and lying on the bottom of a pool?
-The same baby, only three months afterwards!

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Why did the tomato blush: cause it saw the salad dressing.

How do you get down off an elephant: You don't, you get down off a duck.

[FreeFreddy]

A truck driver asks in the bar: "Are there actually 1,60 meters large penguins?" - "Nope" - "Oh God, then I drove a while ago a nun over ! :blink: "

[Prox]

An old granny died and went to Heaven.
And the first day of being in Heaven she gets to eat gulash for supper.
On the secon day she gets gulash for supper...
On the third day -- gulash
.
.
.
.
.
After a month of eating nothing but gulash, the granny goes to complain to God:
-My Lord, it's really wonderfull here and all, but I'm tired 'bout having nothing to eat but gulash...
-Oh, granny -- said God -- what did you think, I was going to make some special menu for the three of you...

[Prox]

Mujo's wife had given birth to twins, so Mujo decides to call them both Suljo...
One day Mujo's best friend Haso asks him:
-Bolan(a Bosnian expression, something like 'dude' B) ) Mujo, how come you called your both sons Suljo???
-Wel,l Haso, when I yell 'Suljo, bring your daddy a beer!', I imedietly get two beers!

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Prox@Sep 19 2004, 09:17 AM
An old granny died and went to Heaven.
And the first day of being in Heaven she gets to eat gulash for supper.
On the secon day she gets gulash for supper...
On the third day -- gulash
.
.
.
.
.
After a month of eating nothing but gulash, the granny goes to complain to God:
-My Lord, it's really wonderfull here and all, but I'm tired 'bout having nothing to eat but gulash...
-Oh, granny -- said God -- what did you think, I was going to make some special menu for the three of you...
I did not get that one bit. Please explain.

[aaberg]

Originally posted by Prox@Sep 18 2004, 09:02 AM
What's more fun than nailing a baby to the wall?
-Ripping it off the wall!

What's little, blue and lying on the bottom of a pool?
-A drowned baby!

What's little, GREEN and lying on the bottom of a pool?
-The same baby, only three months afterwards!
Psycopath! :blink:

[Havell]

Baby jokes are cool!

What's pink and squeals?
A peeled baby!

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Ahahaha have you ever seen a baby spew it's absolutly hi-larious.

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow+Sep 19 2004, 02:49 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Iron_Scarecrow @ Sep 19 2004, 02:49 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Prox@Sep 19 2004, 09:17 AM
An old granny died and went to Heaven.
And the first day of being in Heaven she gets to eat gulash for supper.
On the secon day she gets gulash for supper...
On the third day -- gulash
.
.
.
.
.
After a month of eating nothing but gulash, the granny goes to complain to God:
-My Lord, it's really wonderfull here and all, but I'm tired 'bout having nothing to eat but gulash...
-Oh, granny -- said God -- what did you think, I was going to make some special menu for the three of you...
I did not get that one bit. Please explain. [/b][/quote]
There are only three peoples in heaven. Others are in hell!

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero+Sep 19 2004, 02:13 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Unknown Hero @ Sep 19 2004, 02:13 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow@Sep 19 2004, 02:49 PM
******QuoteBegin-Prox@Sep 19 2004, 09:17 AM
An old granny died and went to Heaven.
And the first day of being in Heaven she gets to eat gulash for supper.
On the secon day she gets gulash for supper...
On the third day -- gulash
.
.
.
.
.
After a month of eating nothing but gulash, the granny goes to complain to God:
-My Lord, it's really wonderfull here and all, but I'm tired 'bout having nothing to eat but gulash...
-Oh, granny -- said God -- what did you think, I was going to make some special menu for the three of you...
I did not get that one bit. Please explain.
There are only three peoples in heaven. Others are in hell! [/b][/quote]
Oh. Who are they?

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow@Sep 19 2004, 04:31 PM
Oh. Who are they?
I think it's not important. He only wanted to say that there are few people in heaven. But if you ask me I think they are Jesus, Mary and of course Grany! :lol:

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero@Sep 19 2004, 02:37 PM
I think it's not important. He only wanted to say that there are few people in heaven. But if you ask me I think they are Jesus, Mary and of course Grany! :lol:
Why Grany? Why not a baby who dies in the womb they never sinned why do they go to hell?

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow@Sep 19 2004, 04:40 PM
Why Grany? Why not a baby who dies in the womb they never sinned why do they go to hell?
C'mon don't be so silly! I said granny because the joke says it. About the babies I don't know where do they go, but THIS IS ONLY JOKE! IT'S NOT TRUE, OK? :ot:

Mujo woke up after a wonderfull dreaming on nudistic beach. After awile he found out that his balls get red from sun. So he run home and as he arrived at the entrance he yelled at his wife Fata: "Fata, give me a yogurt!" After he got his yogurt, he run into bathroom and placed yogurt in washbasin and sit on it. Fata wanted to find out what's going on, so she looked inside bathroom through keyhole. And she said: "I could die and still not find out how they fill it!"

[Iron_Scarecrow]

C'mon don't be so silly! I said granny because the joke says it. About the babies I don't know where do they go, but THIS IS ONLY JOKE! IT'S NOT TRUE, OK?
Ahahahahaha :lol:

Which is faster, hot or cold. Hot cause you can catch a cold.
Aahahahahahahahahahaha :lol:
Some jokes are really really lame.

Three men find a migical slipery dip. This slipery dip will give you whatever you say while you're going down it. The first man goes down and says diamonds, and he falls into a giant pile of diamonds. The second man goes down and says money, and he falls into a giant pile of money. The third man goes down and says wee, and lands in a giant pool of piss.

[Stobe]

-What is the difference about swedish jokes and ohter ethnic jokes?
+
+
+
+
+
-Swedish jokes always base on true events. :P

[Stobe]

++++{[(EXAMPLE)]}++++


There was this Norwegian who was on vacation 'over-there' in Florida. All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of alligator-shoes, and now he thought he would finally be able to get around to buying a pair. Gator shoes are of course expensive, and haggling down the price didn't help. Finally the Norwegian yelled out in anger, "Bare behold de elendige skoene dine. Skal det v?re p? den m?ten, skal jeg pinad? leie meg b?t, dra oppover sumpene her, fange meg en alligator og lage skoene selv!!!" (... In English: Just keep your lousy shoes. If that's how it's going to be then I'll just get myself a boat, go out into the swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!).. The owner of the store just looked stupidly at him, "Yeah, sure, and give my best regards to the Swedes who're already up there trying to do what you just told me." The Norwegian runs to a boat-rental and gets a boat, then he heads out into the swamp.
After a while he finds two Swedes standing up to their knees in the water. Both of them are holding a spear pointed at the water. "det m? v?re svenskene." (that must be the Swedes) the Norwegian thinks. Suddenly there's a movement in the water and an alligator swims towards one of the Swedes. The Swede is standing there like a statue, just waiting for the big gator to get closer. When the gator is close by the Swede stick his spear into the gator, and with a bit of fighting he get's the beast onto the land, where there is a big pile of gators. The Swede turns the gator on his back and examines it's feet, and then finally utters, "Satan ocks?! Inte sko p? den haer heller." (Damn! No shoes on this one either!)..

[FreeFreddy]

On a party in a castle four noble ones meet. Later in the night, when already somewhat more was drunk, a controversy is inflamed about who's family tree is the oldest. A guest proudly: "My family can retrace their family tree up to Karl the Great. And how does that look with you?" - "I'm sorry. Our documents were lost during the Great Tide."

[Prox]

God if I knew you were going to be so sensitive 'bout the joke, i would never have wrote them, well, anyway here's one I hope you wont criticise this one, and hopefully you'll all get it

Mujo and Haso pull over on a gas station, so the guy on the station asks them:
-So, wat'll it be, diesel, super 98, maybe?
-No just fill it up with water! -- replyes Haso
-With water???
-Yes, with water.
And he fills the tank up with water. Suddenly Haso gets out of the car and drops a couple of pills into the tank, and they drive off...
So the worker tells his boss:
-Well boss there were these two guys that came here and asked me to fill theyr tank with water, and I did, and they just dropped some pills into the tank and drew off...
So the boss replyed:
-Well, the next time they get here ask them if they want to sell these pills for, uh, well for starters, offer them two million $...
And a couple of days later, Mujo and Haso return again fill theyr tank with water and drop in two pills, and the worker asks them if they would be willing to sell these pills for 2 million $, and they said yes, so they give them the pills, take te 2 mils and drive off. And Mujo asks Haso:
-Bolan, Haso, how are we going to drive now without those pills???
-Well, on gas(propane, or butane probably), like we did all the time!

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by FreeFreddy@Sep 20 2004, 12:22 PM
On a party in a castle four noble ones meet. Later in the night, when already somewhat more was drunk, a controversy is inflamed about who's family tree is the oldest. A guest proudly: "My family can retrace their family tree up to Karl the Great. And how does that look with you?" - "I'm sorry. Our documents were lost during the Great Tide."
I don't know who Karl the Great is or what/when the Great Tide was but I laughed anyway.

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Prox@Sep 20 2004, 01:46 PM
Mujo and Haso pull over on a gas station, so the guy on the station asks them:
-So, wat'll it be, diesel, super 98, maybe?
-No just fill it up with water! -- replyes Haso
-With water???
-Yes, with water.
And he fills the tank up with water. Suddenly Haso gets out of the car and drops a couple of pills into the tank, and they drive off...
So the worker tells his boss:
-Well boss there were these two guys that came here and asked me to fill theyr tank with water, and I did, and they just dropped some pills into the tank and drew off...
So the boss replyed:
-Well, the next time they get here ask them if they want to sell these pills for, uh, well for starters, offer them two million $...
And a couple of days later, Mujo and Haso return again fill theyr tank with water and drop in two pills, and the worker asks them if they would be willing to sell these pills for 2 million $, and they said yes, so they give them the pills, take te 2 mils and drive off. And Mujo asks Haso:
-Bolan, Haso, how are we going to drive now without those pills???
-Well, on gas(propane, or butane probably), like we did all the time!
Ahahahaha :lol:
I'm sorry but I didnt get that one either. How did they drive before if their tank was filled with water and they required gas to drive?

[FreeFreddy]

Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow@Sep 20 2004, 04:20 PM
I don't know who Karl the Great is or what/when the Great Tide was but I laughed anyway.
You don't know Karl the Great? :blink:
Well, ok, not everyone has to know German history I soppose. :P
He was the first king that united Germany to one entire land. It was splitted to thousands of tiny areas before that were ruled by small barons and dukes. They all fought one with another to conquer the area of their neighbours and their neighbours did the same so the Germany was weak. Karl the Great conquered the entire country and created such united kingdom that became rather powerful. After his death the land became splitted again, though. <_<
Until somewhere around end of 18th - beginning of 19th century...
Karl the Great lived somewhere around 13th century (don't recall exactly now).
;)

[Red Diablo]

Fun, funnier, LMAO:

What do you call a braincell in a blondes head?
- Lonely... <_<

How do you make a blondes eyes tingle?
- Shine a flashlight in her ear... :)

Why did the blonde have to go to the dentist all the time?
- She kept giving her vibrator a blowjob... :D

[Havell]

What do you call a blonde with two braincells?
Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde in a university?
A visitor.

Blonde jokes rule! :lol:

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow@Sep 20 2004, 04:25 PM
Ahahahaha :lol:
I'm sorry but I didnt get that one either. How did they drive before if their tank was filled with water and they required gas to drive?
Man you really can't count 2 with 2 (expression in Croatia)!!!
You see, in every car with gas, there is also a tank for gasoline (so there are two tanks). They filled a tank for gasoline with water, but tank with gas remained filled with gas. Got it now? :yawn:

[Stobe]

Q: What is the shortest book in the world called?
A: Swedish geniuses.


Q: What do you get if you cross a swede and a gypsy?
A: A car thief who can't drive.


Q: How do you know when you're on the Swedish side of the border?
A: Suddenly the cows are better looking than the women.

[aaberg]

Hahaha :lol: :D :lol:

I love your swede jokes. Just one thing, if you have ever been in Sweden, especially Stockholm, you will find, that the girls are VERY pretty there. Lots of tall blond girls. It actually turns me on ! :angel:

I have never been to Findland or Suomi or whatever you call it, but I've heard that the girls there are pretty fine as well (One of my friends where there, and spoke loudly about it). It must be all the lakes! ;)

[Stobe]

@aaberg

There is actually heavy traffic going on inda form of ships ((ferry?)Drunk ships?)

Soo, ive been in there quite often,because i have relatives living there (maybe all finns have there?)

But the woman part, i think Finnish LADIES are the best!

But heres one more. :ok:

In a swedish army camouflage book: "When the soldier is moving through woodland, he's supposed to break off branches and put them on his helmet. When he is moving through cornfields, he's to break off some cornstalks and put them on his helmet. When the soldier is moving through a cabbage field he's supposed to take off his helmet for the best camouflage."

[aaberg]

Hehe. Why doesn't the swedes close the door, when they are on the toilet.???

So no one can look through the keyhole :w00t:

The swedes are the black sheeps of the north (The swedes and the guys from Greenland)! :bleh:

[Stobe]

Q: What do you get if you cross a swede and a ape?

A: More swed's!

[Stobe]

Q: Why do swed’s whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


Q: If you drop a swede and a brick from a airplane at the same time, wich will hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?


Q: Why doesn’t the Swedish blond use a miniskirt?
A: Her balls would freeze.

:rolleyes:

[aaberg]

Originally posted by Stobe@Sep 20 2004, 10:23 PM
Q: Why doesn’t the Swedish blond use a miniskirt?
A: Her balls would freeze.

:w00t: :lol: :wacko: :D :w00t:

[Stobe]

Originally posted by aaberg+Sep 21 2004, 01:28 AM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (aaberg @ Sep 21 2004, 01:28 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Stobe@Sep 20 2004, 10:23 PM
Q: Why doesn’t the Swedish blond use a miniskirt?
A: Her balls would freeze.

:w00t: :lol: :wacko: :D :w00t: [/b][/quote]
yeah, me too but it was even better in finnsh. :D

[Havell]

Time for a rude joke:

A man moves into a monastry on a distant mountain miles from anywhere. After the head of the monastry has finished showing him around the man asked him a question, "I know we are swore not to have sex with any women but what do we do when the urge just gets too great?"
"Ah, we have thought of that, follow me.", they both go down to the basement where there is a barrel with a hole in it. "When your urges overcome you just come down here and insert your penis into this hole."
The man decides to try it out, so he puts his **** in the hole and has a brilliant experience. He finds the boss and says to him, "Wow, that barrel is great! You say I can use it any time I like?"
"Yes, you can, apart from on Thursdays."
"Why not Thursdays?"
"Because then it's your turn in the barrel."

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero@Sep 20 2004, 04:30 PM
Man you really can't count 2 with 2 (expression in Croatia)!!!
You see, in every car with gas, there is also a tank for gasoline (so there are two tanks). They filled a tank for gasoline with water, but tank with gas remained filled with gas. Got it now? :yawn:
Oh I get it. I know nothing about cars so it ain't my fault I didnt get it.

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Stobe@Sep 20 2004, 09:15 PM
But the woman part, i think Finnish LADIES are the best!


I believe you have all forgotten about the Australians. Remind me one more time who miss universe is please. :sneaky:

[Red Diablo]

Originally posted by R Havell@Sep 20 2004, 10:35 PM
Time for a rude joke:

A man moves into a monastry on a distant mountain miles from anywhere. After the head of the monastry has finished showing him around the man asked him a question, "I know we are swore not to have sex with any women but what do we do when the urge just gets too great?"
"Ah, we have thought of that, follow me.", they both go down to the basement where there is a barrel with a hole in it. "When your urges overcome you just come down here and insert your penis into this hole."
The man decides to try it out, so he puts his **** in the hole and has a brilliant experience. He finds the boss and says to him, "Wow, that barrel is great! You say I can use it any time I like?"
"Yes, you can, apart from on Thursdays."
"Why not Thursdays?"
"Because then it's your turn in the barrel."
HAHAHAHAHA ! :D :D

This is the best one on all the pages so far !

Rude jokes (and also blonde) rule ! :ok:

[Stobe]

DIRTY IQ TEST:

Questions:

1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?



Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4. chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush
(Didn't know wheater to put it in here or in the IQ thread)

[Havell]

Lol, that one's good :lol: .

[Stobe]

:D

One question what does lol mean?

[Havell]

It means "Lots Of Laughs" or "Laugh Out Loud".

[Stobe]

Thanks, i was kinda wondering that... laughing... :whistle: so obvious.

Q: Why did the swede cross the road?

A: He didn't know eihter.

Swedish jokes are the main course of laughter.

[Prox]

That one about the swede and the brick reminded me of another blonde joke:

-You throw a blonde and a brick out of a plane, wich one will drop first?
-Well, the brick naturally, the blonde will get lost along the way...

-What is a blonde with two brain cells?
-A very talented blonde.

-What does the blonde say when she sees a banana peal on the street?
-Oh, no I'm going to fall again...

Oh, and here's one related tho these:

A blonde, a brunette and a black haired woman (I don't know how they'r called in english so I'll just call them blackettes :) ) were out fishing and they caught a gold fish, and the fish says:
-I'll grant you each a wish if you let me go...
The blonde says:
-I wish I was 100 times smarter...
The brunette says:
-I wish I was 100 times smarter too!!!
The blackette says:
-Well, I guess I want to be 100 times smarter aswell!
And the next day the blonde wakes up, takes a look in the mirror and sees that she is now a blonde, the brunette wakes up, takes a look in the mirror and sees that she is now a blackette, and at last the blackette wakes up and scratches HIS balls...

Sorry ladies B)

[Stobe]

@ Prox
:D hehe good one.

here's a redhead joke:

Brunette after sex: "Oh that was great! Love you...wanna marry?" Blonde after sex: "Next!" Redhead after sex: "Better start chewing some VITAMINS, kid.

This is just a woman joke (kinda resembles woman back here) :

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.
The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your exhusband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your exhusband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,"I'd like a mild heart attack."

[Prox]

lol :D , and again I got reminded of another joke:

Mujo and Haso were out fishing and Mujo caught a gold fish ( this is becoming a clishey, isn't it ), so the fish says:
-If you let me go, I'll grant you three wishes!
-No, I'm going to barbecue you!!!
-Oh, c'mon bolan Mujo --said Haso-- let the little fishy go, she's not much to eat and, besides, you'll get 3 wishes?
-Oh, well, OK!
-Excellent --said the fish-- but since Haso was the one to convince you to let me go, he'll get double of what you wish for.
-OK, I fish 100 bilion $$$!
And he gets his 100 bilion, but Haso gets 200 bilion.
-Next, I want three of the worlds sexiest women!
And he gets 3 of the worlds sexiest women, but Haso gets 6.
-And for my last wish: I want you to cut off one of my balls!
...

[Prox]

Why does the blonde carry a car door around?
-So she can open it when it's hot

I know the joke sux, but I'm all out of blonde jokes...

[FreeFreddy]

A blind makes a journey to Texas. In the airplane he orders a steak and is astonished: "Wow, this steak is enormous!" His seat neighbor calmly: "Everything is large in Texas." When the blind arrives at Texas, he visits immediately the hotel bar and orders a beer. "Man, this cup is gigantic!" The barkeeper answers only: "Everything is large in Texas." A few beers later the guest asks for the toilets. The barkeeper answers: "Second door left." The blind goes off, however misses the second door. He gropes in the third and falls into the hotel's swimmingpool. To death frightened he cries: "Do not rinse! Just do not rinse!"

[Havell]

I think you mean "flush", not rinse.

A policeman is driving along at night when he spots a car in a lay-by. Ah-ha, he thinks, someone's had a date that went well. So he went over to the car and there was a man in the front reading a magasine and a young looking girl in the back knitting. "How old are you?" the policeman asks the bloke.
"21.", he says.
"And how old is she?"
The man looks at his watch, "Well, in 10 minutes she'll be 16."

[Stobe]

Lol, handicap and dirty...

@Prox are Mujo and haso common names or just joke names?

Youve all propably heard this... but what the hey.


President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why kill a blonde with big boobs?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

[Havell]

I know Red Diablo will like this one ;) :

Two boys are playing in a park in Manchester when a huge doberman attacks one of them. The other boy iinstantly grabs the dog and breaks it's neck. A newspaper reporter sees this a runs over to them. He writes on the notepad a headline, "Manchester United fan saves friend from vicious beast."
The boy says "I'm not a Manchester United fan."
So the reporter crosses out the first headline and writes "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious beast."
"No, you don't understand, I'm a Liverpool supporter."
The reporter writes "Scouse bastard murders family pet."

[Red Diablo]

@ R Havell

ROTFLMAO !!! :D :D :D

Btw watch out for Puffin, if she sees this one you'll be in trouble...

R Havell for president ! :ok:

[I_Wanna_Be_A_Pirate]

Why do aborigines (native australians) have piles of shit at the weddings??

to keep the flies of the bride

Wat Did the little aboriginie kid Jonny mangagee, son of peter an Flora of the nungar tribe get for his birthday?

your bike

wat do u call a group of aborigenes in a red beat up volvo?

Jaffas

Wat do u call a group of aborigines falling of a cliff?

a abo-lanche

some really dodgy abo jokes :ok:

[TheVoid]

I don't really like those jokes about aborigines..... :unsure:

I prefer the one about swedes :sneaky:

[FreeFreddy]

Originally posted by R Havell@Sep 22 2004, 10:01 PM
I think you mean "flush", not rinse.
Nope, I meant exactly "rinse". ;)
He thought he landed in a toilet, after all. :rolleyes:

[Red Diablo]

Originally posted by TheVoid@Sep 23 2004, 01:36 PM
I prefer the one about swedes* :sneaky:
...and the ones about the italians:

Italians in America
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady idignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”

:D

[TheVoid]

It's funny :)

Almost as much as Manchester United's football playing :ok:

[FreeFreddy]

A surgeon, an architect and a politician argue, which is the oldest occupation of the world. The surgeon says: "To create Eve, God took a rib from Adam, therefore surgeon is the oldest occupation!" The architect contradicts: "Before God created Adam, he created the world from out of the chaos, therefore the oldest occupation is clearly that of the architect." Whereupon the politician cool: "And who, do you think, created the chaos?"

[Prox]

@Stobe: both!

No, Windows is not a Virus.

Here's what viruses do:
1.) They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2.) Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the
system as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3.) Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk --
okay, Windows does that too.
4.) Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, allong with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.) Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system
is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Maybe Windows is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated,
and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So there! Windows is NOT a virus.

[Stobe]

Three sailors, a Dane, a Norwegian and a Swede, shipwreck and wash up on the coast of a Central American country in the middle of a guerrilla war.
Rebel forces capture them, put them on trail, and condemn them to death as spies.
The next morning at dawn, the Dane is put before the firing squad. As they take aim he shouts, "TIDAL WAVE!!!" The troops panic, scatter to high ground and the Dane escapes.
The Norwegian sailor is taken out the next morning. Having heard about the Dane from the guards, at the appropriate time he shouts, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Again the firing squad panics and he escapes.
The Swede, when his turn comes, realizes that the firing squad will not fall for the same disaster twice, so he shouts "FIRE!!!" :twisted:

[TheVoid]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Prox]

Why did God create a blonde?
-Becoase he couldn't teach a goat to bring a man his beer!

Why did he create a brunette?
-He couldn't teach the blonde either!

[Prox]

What's a blonde that colors her hair black?
-Artaffitial intelligence?

What's the difference between a Yeti and a smart blonde?
-Some people say they have actually seen a Yeti!

[Prox]

Why can't a Serb get infected with the AIDS virus?
-Even a virus has its dignity...

[Stobe]

Q: What’s black and charred and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A Swedish electricion.

Q: Why does it smell so good at night in Sweden?
A: Because Swedes sleep with their windows shut.


A sign on a antiqueshop window:
- "We buy, sell and exchange. Bring your wife along and make the deal of a lifetime."


Here's a couple of Finnish jokes:

Q: What does education cost in Finland?
A: Your sanity.

Q: What happened, when Matias threw a Swedish book at Kalles head?
A: His swedish knowledge increased.

[FreeFreddy]

A man orders a bottle of Whisky in his favourite tavern. "Well, already again a controversy with the wife?", the barkeeper asks. - "And what one! The feathers just flew in such a way!" - "Nevertheless", the barkeeper means. "And what did she say?" - the guest takes a large sip: "Come out from under the bed, you cowardly pig!"

[Stobe]

Q: What is steaming and full of fingers?

A: Babystew.


Whats small but long, and at the end, hard.

caterpillar

[TheVoid]

Bush and Queen Elizabeth are in royal coach, heading to Buckingham Palace.
Suddenly, one of the horses makes a loud fart.
The Queen blushes and says:"Oh sir, I'm really sorry."
Bush smiles and replies:"Oh, it's nothing, your Majesty. I thought it was the horse."

:lol:





Take this RedDiablo! :bleh:

[Havell]

:lol:

But why RedDiablo?

[TheVoid]

He posted jokes about Italian.......and is Manchester United fan.....I greet him anyway

[Prox]

Why is a blonde sitting on top of a 14-floor high building at the bottom of wich is a coffee bar?
-Drinks are on the house!

[Unknown Hero]

Why did Hitler commited suicide?
He got his gas bill.

[Red Diablo]

Thought a while about posting this one as it's not very nice...
But after seeing Unknown heros above I guess anything goes...? :unsure:

Why do italians grow big, bushy mustaches ?
So they can look more like their grandmothers...

I REALLY hope there's no italians with bushy mustaches around... :whistle:

[Red Diablo]

The family of of astronomy enthusiasts are rushing up the stairs to their rooftop
telescope, the mother and father first, and the children stringing along
behind.

'Oh dad,' says the daughter, 'I can see Uranus.'
'Thats nothing', says the son, 'I can see Mars'.

:whistle: :D

[TheVoid]

Originally posted by Red Diablo@Sep 26 2004, 08:15 AM
Thought a while about posting this one as it's not very nice...
But after seeing Unknown heros above I guess anything goes...? :unsure:

Why do italians grow big, bushy mustaches ?
So they can look more like their grandmothers...

I REALLY hope there's no italians with bushy mustaches around... :whistle:
Actually, yes. Me....

:bleh: :bleh: :bleh: :bleh: :bleh:

[FreeFreddy]

That mustache looks pretty falsificated. :sneaky:

[TheVoid]

Nooooooh...... :angel:


Bill Gates died in a car accident. He immediately found himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

[Unknown Hero]

Two guys are arguing:
A: Your momma is fat as pig!
B: Your momma is even fatter. If you want to see the picture of her that you took, you first have to compress it with winzip!

[Prox]

I know a couple of Jew jokes, but their pretty disguisting, so I'll just start with (in my opinion) the lest disguisting:

Hitler is standing on an edge of a cliff and a couple of Germans bring him a Jew.
-Spread your legs! -- says Hitler, and the Jew does so, and befor you know it, Hitler pushes the Jew off the cliff. So the Germans bring him another Jew.
-Form a T-shape! -- says Hitler, and the Jew does so, and befor you know it, Hitler pushes the Jew off the cliff. A couple of minutes (and Jews) later, Hitler hears a voice:
-Adolf, honey, breakfast is ready, stop playing TETRIS with the Jews and come and eat already!

[Stobe]

What's yellow, smell's of urine and flying trough the air?



Unknown Hero. (When i catch him...) :twisted: :angel:

[aaberg]

Originally posted by Stobe@Sep 26 2004, 06:32 PM
What's yellow, smell's of urine and flying trough the air?



Unknown Hero. (When i catch him...) :twisted: :angel:
He ain't going to be happy!
LOL :lol:

[Tom Henrik]

:D :lol: :D :lol:

I pity whoever will catch the urine spreading yellow member :blink:

[aaberg]

As long as he ain't taking a dump! :lol:

[Red Diablo]

TheVoid,Sep 26 2004, 08:44 AM]I REALLY hope there's no italians with bushy mustaches around...* :whistle:

Actually, yes. Me....

:bleh:* :bleh:* :bleh:* :bleh:* :bleh:
When we're on the subject of fake mustaches:

Name That Beard (http://www2.b3ta.com/namethatbeard/)

Check out the last one...

Looks a little like you TheVoid, only in a handsome sort of way... :D :P

[aaberg]

How do people come up with that kind of shit. God damnet, I'm laughing myself to death :lol: :D :w00t: :w00t: :w00t: :lol:

[Red Diablo]

Originally posted by aaberg@Sep 26 2004, 07:42 PM
How do people come up with that kind of shit. God damnet, I'm laughing myself to death :lol: :D :w00t: :w00t: :w00t: :lol:
No, no I didn't mean that TheVoid was handsome ! :D :P :D

I understood what you meant Aaberg, just messing with TheVoid so he'll have something to read tomorrow. No hard feelings I hope TV ? :ok:

[aaberg]

I would worry more about TheVoids feelings! MUAHAHAHAHA :twisted: :angel:

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Stobe@Sep 26 2004, 08:32 PM
What's yellow, smell's of urine and flying trough the air?



Unknown Hero. (When i catch him...) :twisted: :angel:
Who's that guy??? :blink:
I don't know him. :blink:
Well, I DO know him. :blink:
Well, that's me! :blink:
Why are you tring to catch me, anyhow? :blink:
:blink: :blink: :blink: :blink: :blink:

[Stobe]

@Unknown Hero
"The ridlle thread"
Try and catch me :ph34r:


Well a i catched... :sneaky:

[Unknown Hero]

I knew it! But I wasn't sure.

BTW you a i.....what?

[Stobe]

Oops, its
"well i catched"

[Unknown Hero]

People!!! I will let you make your own decision if stobe is ugly!

[Stobe]

Ouch!

...But i do have classes... B)

[aaberg]

Wow. Where did you get that fine picture of Stobe from? :w00t:

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by aaberg@Sep 26 2004, 11:43 PM
Wow. Where did you get that fine picture of Stobe from? :w00t:
Well........It TOP SECRET!
I don't want risk my life because of you!
But if you want more......

[Unknown Hero]

And more.......

[aaberg]

[The kid outside the plane] A friend of yours? :huh: :)

[Unknown Hero]

Who knows? Maybe it was someday! :blink:

[aaberg]

It probably ain't anymore :whistle: .

[aaberg]

See if you can find the thing about this car, which ain't exacly normal.

B)

[Eagle of Fire]

There is no bumps on the doors even tough it's parked in a public place?

I tryied... :bleh:

[aaberg]

Look at the licens plate dummy! :bleh:

Maybe you can see what there is wrong with this one. :lol: When it takes a pis, it looks like Unknown Hero. :P

[Red Diablo]

Originally posted by aaberg@Sep 26 2004, 10:22 PM
When it takes a pis, it looks like Unknown Hero.* :P
Eerr, I think we need to get something straightened out here:

A. When did you see UH pee ?
B. Do you two meet often to watch each other pee ?
C. Did you mean his Avatar ?
(If yes on C) D. Why the hell didn't you say so !?!

Got me all "Agatha Christie-like" wound up for nothing... :D

:bleh: :bleh: :bleh:

[aaberg]

I meant C :D

[Unknown Hero]

Peace on you! [Pis on u]

[FreeFreddy]

This one isn't very large, but seems to resemble a certain person. :sneaky:

[aaberg]

It looks like George Bush :lol:

[FreeFreddy]

Yep, you got it. ;)

A blonde and an attorney sit in the train. The attorney decides to play the blonde off: "Excuse me, would you like to play? We ask ourselves mutually a question. The one who doesn't know the answer gives the other 5 Euro." The blonde rejects.
The attorney remains persistent and increases to her favour the employment: "Well ok, you receive 50 euro, I further only 5 euro for each not answered question." The blonde accepts that.
The attorney asks a long complicated juristical question. Because she does not know the answer to it, he gets like settled 5 Euro.
Then the blonde is on the move: "What has four legs when it moves up a mountain and three legs whn it comes down?" - the attorney considers for a long time and gives up finally and gives the blonde 50 Euro. She puts the note in and wants to leave the compartment. "One moment", calls the attorney, "and what is the answer?" Whereupon the blonde turns around and gives him mutely 5 Euro...

[aaberg]

I must say, that ain't a normal blond, this one is SMART! :lol:

[Puffin]

LMAO :lol:

My sister is the blondest evah :rolleyes:
Although I'm kinda guilty of it too :huh: <_<

[FreeFreddy]

Originally posted by Puffin@Sep 27 2004, 06:54 PM
My sister is the blondest evah :rolleyes:
Although I'm kinda guilty of it too :huh: <_<
Now that's no real wonder, I guess. A girl with completely black hair from the childhood on would be rather rare there indeed. <_<

[Red Diablo]

OK time for a little detective game:
What would leave these marks on the hood of a Volvo ??? :unsure:

[Maikel]

Someone got beaten up? :blink:


Sorry can't see ;)

[Red Diablo]

Originally posted by Maikel@Sep 28 2004, 07:27 AM
Someone got beaten up? :blink:


Sorry can't see ;)
No not beaten up, you need to look closer. B)

[aaberg]

Hmm, somebody had fun! :P

[Red Diablo]

You can always count on the danish guy to spot the drunken behavior of the swedes... :D

[aaberg]

Yup. You bet! :ok:

[FreeFreddy]

Originally posted by Red Diablo@Sep 28 2004, 09:11 AM
OK time for a little detective game:
What would leave these marks on the hood of a Volvo ??? :unsure:
Hehe, some devil caught a sexy girl, hm? :bleh:

[Red Diablo]

No comment on the devil part... :whistle: :D

[Red Diablo]

A guy was walking along a trail in the woods when he came upon another
gentlemen leaning on a tree with his ear against the trunk. The first
man inquired as to what he was doing.

"Listening to the music of the tree," he replied.
"I'd like to try that," said the first man.
"Here, just wrap your arms around the trunk and put your ear against the bark."

The first man did as he was instructed and as soon as his arms were
around the tree, the second man slapped a pair of hand cuffs on his
wrists, stole his wallet, stripped him of his clothes and then ran off.

A short time later, another man came strolling along the trail and the
first man called for help. When the new comer came over, the first man
explained what happened and why he was handcuffed, naked, to a tree.

The guy then stepped around behind the naked man, leaned up against him
and wispered in his ear, "I guess this just isn't your lucky day...."

:blink: :D

[Red Diablo]

Instructions for all the the females at the site: :P :whistle:

[Maikel]

Originally posted by Red Diablo+Sep 28 2004, 07:44 AM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Red Diablo @ Sep 28 2004, 07:44 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Maikel@Sep 28 2004, 07:27 AM
Someone got beaten up?* :blink:


Sorry can't see* ;)
No not beaten up, you need to look closer. B) [/b][/quote]
hehe yeah I saw it already. I saw it on a car in my street to, except then it was really because of the fight. They caught the guys because the print of the back of one of the guys jackets was 'pressed'' in the dust so they could easily spot the badguy later on :D

[Puffin]

Ok, to get a bit off topic, my boyfriend always cooks. I'm a lousy chef :rolleyes:


But hey!

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp!

Your mama''s glasses are so thick that when she lookes on a map she can see people waving. :bye:

[FreeFreddy]

In Russia the women are quite often the bosses over their husbands. <_<
Probably because many men are drinkers there... :rolleyes:

An guardian dog asks the other one: "Don't you hear anything?" - "Sure I do." - "And why don't you bark then??" - "Well, then I wouldn't hear anything anymore!"

[aaberg]

My name is Boris Yeltsin. I drink a bottle of vodka every morning before I go to work. In this way the day gets a lot more fun, because I get the currage to touch my secretaryes butts, mmmhh :wub:

Wacko!! :wacko: :blink: :wacko:

[TheVoid]

Get updated, Aaberg.......Putin's the boss now. :sneaky:

[aaberg]

I know, but he is not nearly as fun, because he don't drink as much (I think) :ph34r:

[TheVoid]

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.


:twisted: :sneaky: :lol:

[Red Diablo]

:D :whistle:

[aaberg]

TheVoid, that is the most sophisticated joke i ever read! :lol:

[Stobe]

Wierd pictures... :blink: ...but i like them... :D


Three Swedish men visited Copenhagen and decided to go to a bordello. They knocked on the door and the Madame opened.

Madame: - What do you want?
Swedes: - We want to come in. We are Swedish.
Madame: - How much money are you willing to spend here?
Swedes: - We have altogether 250 crones.
Madame: - 250 crones!! For that price you can suck each other!

After saying this the Madame slammed the door. After about 15 minutes the same three Swedes knocked on the door again.
Madame: - Well, what do you want now?
Swedes: - Where can we pay?

[Unknown Hero]

A: I can't forget picure of my wife!
B: Get drunk!
A: In that way I would see her twice!


@ TheVoid
That English joke is really good! :lol:

[FreeFreddy]

Here's a picture that will stop those still believeing in Santa Claus from doing that any further.
The writing in the picture means: "Christmas is stupid!"

[Red Diablo]

:blink: :D :blink:

[Tom Henrik]

LMAO! :lol: :lol:

[Red Diablo]

This is one of my favourites, shows that some people are more stupid than you could ever imagine:

[FreeFreddy]

Rofl... :lol: :lol:

[TheVoid]

http://www.bastardidentro.com/misc/bastardidentro/data/images/a/attenzione.jpg

Look out! :P

[aaberg]

Crazy!! :blink: :lol:

[Red Diablo]

Well, at least the last thing he saw was a beautiful angel... :angel: :D

[FreeFreddy]

Egon is married for three months and complains to his friend: "My wife drives me mad. In the morning she wants love, at noon she wants love, at night she wants love." - "Does it at least make fun?" - "No idea, I didn't try it yet!"

[FreeFreddy]

Look this one video. It's really funny... :D
Afro Ninja (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/afroninja.html)

[Red Diablo]

Danish carpool... :D

Isn't that Aaberg by the edge of the pool...? :P :D

[Unknown Hero]

This one's great! I still laugh! :lol: :lol:

[aaberg]

Originally posted by Red Diablo@Oct 6 2004, 01:19 PM
Danish carpool...* :D

Isn't that Aaberg by the edge of the pool...?* :P* :D
Yep. It WAS also my car <_< :D

[Red Diablo]

LOL @ Unknown Hero... :D :ok:

[Red Diablo]

Another one on the same subject... :D

[FreeFreddy]

Exactly. :whistle:
This one is quite funny... :sneaky:
Punishment for downloading music online (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/riaa-psa.html)

[aaberg]

Fucked up punishment!! :( :lol:

[aaberg]

Do you know that feeling of being the wrong place at the wrong time. I think Santa does!. :sneaky:
http://www.mistupid.com/pictures/images/santacrash.jpg
:ph34r:

[Unknown Hero]

"You'll become what you eat!" Says aaberg!

[aaberg]

What the hell is that supposed to be? Somekind of fruit?


Cockcumber :ph34r:

[aaberg]

What about this chick?
http://www.mistupid.com/pictures/images/bastinglines.jpg :whistle:

[Eagle of Fire]

Aaberg, all your images turn out to be some weird promo for a site... :huh:

[FreeFreddy]

You need to copy and paste the link for them in a new browser window to see them. ;)

[FreeFreddy]

Btw., guess what this one might be:

[FreeFreddy]

Also be sure to laugh at this one:

[wormpaul]

Originally posted by FreeFreddy@Oct 9 2004, 09:06 AM
Btw., guess what this one might be:
It looks like a hand what has been going through a photoshop session, and cames out with a dig on the end :twisted:

[Tom Henrik]

Or it is just simple a girl who's legs have been buried in the sand at the beach, and who holds her t-shirt over her head... :rolleyes:

[Eagle of Fire]

It's someone bareback who is showing his back and his arse... :rolleyes:

[Tom Henrik]

Originally posted by Eagle of Fire@Oct 12 2004, 06:12 AM
It's someone bareback who is showing his back and his arse... :rolleyes:
Nope. It's a girl!

Like I said in the post above.

Unless you know of a guy who wears a brah....
(If you do, please don't share this information with the rest of us)

[Red Diablo]

Originally posted by Tom Henrik@Oct 12 2004, 10:18 AM
Unless you know of a guy who wears a brah....
(If you do, please don't share this information with the rest of us)
:D LMAO :D

[Blind Ryan]

It appears as though I'm not the only rotten freak here.

That's an F*** of the month club girl. August or July I think.

www.rotten.com/library is a GREAT read.

[wormpaul]

Originally posted by Blind Ryan@Oct 12 2004, 01:17 PM
www.rotten.com/library is a GREAT read.
Youre sounding like a fan of rotten.com ;)