Jokes

[FreeFreddy]

Heh, I know that one :D

[zbarilec]

DOS For those who remembers

[COLOR=red]Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
<-------- The information went data way --------
Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
The name is Baud......, James Baud.
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . .
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

[Iron_Scarecrow]

A butcher is 5 foot 11 inches tall, what does he weigh?

Meat.

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

Ahhhh it's so bad.

[mouse31e]

A Polar Bear walks into a pub and says to the barman "I'd like a pint of....
....
....
....
....beer please?

"Big pause" says the Barman

"I've always had them!"


(It loses a little in the typing, but say it out loud a few times and you'll see how funny it can be!)

[Iron_Scarecrow]

I do not get it. At all. Tried saying it ten times still dont get it. :blink: :blink:

[mouse31e]

paws!

[mouse31e]

The bear leaves a big pause!

"Big pause(paws)" says the Barman

The bear says "I've always had them" (referring to paws)

I feel its starting to lose what humour there was in the joke!

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Oh. LOL LOL LOL LOL

I get it now I had misread it. For some reason I thought the bear said "big pause" and the barman said "I've always had them" and that confuzled me, then when you said paws that confuzled me even more, cause I didn't make the connection between pause and paws.


:blink: :blink:

[FreeFreddy]

LOL LOL
Now this was funny, even more than the joke :D

[Sebatianos]

Hey - how did the jokes thread get so far behind?
Time for a new joke I guess!!!

What do you get if you cross a hedgehog with a snake?
A barbed wire!

What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a tiger?
Don't know either, but you better run!

What do you get if you cross a mouse with an elephant?
The Nobel prize!



OK - I didn't say the jokes are going to be good, I just wanna keep the thread alive and kicking!

[Danny252]

Knock Knock
Whos there
Doctor
Doctor Who?
Yes?

[Classic Pig]

Do this to someone you know...

Say that you have an Irish Knock-Knock joke to tell. Tell them to start it off.

They will say,"Knock, Knock"

Then you answer, "Who's there?"

It is always brilliant to see their reactions!

[evilded]

knock knock
whos there?
interupting cow
interupting [MOOOOOO!!] cow who?

Works better when you can actually interupt the person...

[Classic Pig]

:roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

My sense of humor exactly!

A whit horse walks into a bar and sits down. The bar tender looks at him and says, "Hey I've got a whisky named after you here." The horse replies - "What? Cedric?"

[Schabernakel-anbeter]

Anyone who reads this, is not blind.

bad one

[Rogue]

More bad would be:

If you can;t read this, you're blind or you to dumb to know how to read. :D

[Fawfulhasfury]

4 real jokes are

George Bush
Hillary Duff
Britney Spears
Hillary and Bill Clinton

[FreeFreddy]

At the fuel station a man asks the service-station attendant: "How much does a drop of gasoline cost here?" Whereupon the service-station attendant: "Nothing" - "Good, then please drip me the tank fully!"

[Yamcha]

Man travells arround Iraq. He is stopped by the military forces. They ask him
-Plz sir, our president gerorge bush is kidnapped by some terrorist and we need to pay the ransonm.
-And how much the other ppl gave?
-5-10 litres

[mikebarry]

Okay, this one isn't so much a joke one can tell, as it is just funny.
Plus it's from a computer game.

In Beneath a Steel Sky (http://www.abandonia.com/game.php?ID=58&genre=adventure), you have a droid friend named Joey. There is a point in the game when Joey needs a new name, so he is given the name Ken. The main character mentions that the only Ken's he knew were dorks. Joey promises to make the name Ken synonymous with dork.

Anyone who knows Adventure games of the 80's/90's would recognize this as a reference to Ken Williams of Sierra.

Hilarious! :D

[Tulac]

OK here's a crappy(I can't think of anthing better)

Why did Bush cross the road?
He saw oil on the other side.

[Sebatianos]

My all time favorite wrestling team (and started liking them even more after last two US elections):
*If you cant see the name of the team and don't know them - it's the BUSHWACKERS*

[Predator]

"Soldier! What do you do, if you hold guard and the ammunition shelter flies into air?" - "I give first a warning shot off..."

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Why did the tomato blush?
Beacause it saw the salad dressing.

LOL LOL

Now you can't tell me that isn't one of the worst puns you've ever heard.

[Eagle of Fire]

Someone just sent me this (http://www.wimp.com/memo/) "crazy memo". Might be a good laugh for those working in office and such. :)

[Predator]

Some jokes I heard in Germany (I'll post only the more harmless ones):

What is the difference between a long skirt and miniskirt??
A: The access time

"Mama", cries Eve, "Claus squirted me full in the bath!" -
"Squirt simply back." - "I can't, mama. I'm a girl, after all."

A woman has always the last word by an controversy. Anything the man could say after yet, would be a beginning of a new controversy.

"Hallo Hugo, imagine - I'll be a father"
"And why do you make such a sad face?"
"Well, I'll have to tell that to my wife yet."

The subway is completely full. Georg says to a lady standing near him:
"There left above is a hand grip." "Thank you, I already have one!"
"I know, but unfortunately I'll have to step out now."

A bodily woman positions herself before the mirror and says:
"Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the most beautiful in the entire country?"
Answers the mirror: "Go to the side, I can't see anything!"

[Sebatianos]

It's been a while since I posted a joke and this thread seems to be dying so here goes - with a picture!

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Just found this on my computer. No idea where it's from or how it ended up on my computer.

[wendymaree]

Sounds like your computer has a life and sense of humour on its own, Iron. :P

[Iron_Scarecrow]

LOL

It's quite possible. I never have control over it, it does what it wants, when it wants.

[Eagle of Fire]

Is your son a computer hacker? (http://www.adequacy.org/public/stories/2001.12.2.42056.2147.html)

:sneaky:

[Black angel]

We'll see when I have one. LOL

[Reup]

Why, I am a hacker myself... that's bad... but I've never stolen anyones command prompt :)

[quatroking]

A joke....

A tomato run trough the street.
(a car ride him dead)
What is the tomato now?






Answer: ketchup

I know that this is a little silly, but my little cousin jump trough the window if i don't place this.

[Wael]

http://www.pelit.fi/kuvat/dokumenttikuvat/15281-2-monkey_island_eetu_korhonen.jpg

[The Levitating Nun]

On the subject of hackers

http://home.earthlink.net/~xbkingx/ForDT/haxorpc.jpg

:D

[Eagle of Fire]

I can't manage to load that image Nun... :blink:

[Wael]

http://www.pelit.fi/kuvat/dokumenttikuvat/15198-3-dungeon_master.gif

[The Levitating Nun]

It doesn't load up? possibly because its on a freewebs site and the bandwidth has been eaten up by the link. Is there any other way to put an image up on the forum?

man walks into a bar
ouch

haha, not off topic.

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Eagle of Fire@Jan 31 2005, 06:04 PM
Is your son a computer hacker? (http://www.adequacy.org/public/stories/2001.12.2.42056.2147.html)

:sneaky:

9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?

If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a hacker on your hands. Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying "glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.


I'd be more worried about him being on speed. The only people who carry pacifiers are ravers.

[Dino]

Ok, my turn now! Not very good at telling jokes, and this is only one i can remember of right now:

Q:What did Bill Gates' wife said to him after their first wedding night?
A: Now I realize why is your company called MicroSoft!

[Reup]

Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow@Feb 1 2005, 08:52 AM
I'd be more worried about him being on speed. The only people who carry pacifiers are ravers.
Or toddlers...

[Omuletzu]

"One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back, they faced each other
Drew their swords, and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys
If you don't believe this story is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too!"

Taken from Island of Dr. Brain

[quatroking]

What means hate?

Hippie Angry Teletubbie Encryptor

What means muck?

Super Hyper Idiot Teletubbie

What means Linux?

Loosing Idiots Negative Underware Xylofone

[Eagle of Fire]

I dare you to push that inviting big red button... (http://www.turnofftheinternet.com/) :twisted:

Disclaimer: I'm not taking responsabilities if you lose any information playing this joke on yourself. :whistle:

[Lizard]

Originally posted by Eagle of Fire@Feb 25 2005, 09:53 PM
I dare you to push that inviting big red button... (http://www.turnofftheinternet.com/) :twisted:

Disclaimer: I'm not taking responsabilities if you lose any information playing this joke on yourself. :whistle:
I dared. :ph34r:
A pity it didnt work... LOL

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Eagle of Fire@Feb 25 2005, 10:53 PM
I dare you to push that inviting big red button... (http://www.turnofftheinternet.com/) :twisted:

Disclaimer: I'm not taking responsabilities if you lose any information playing this joke on yourself. :whistle:
You utterly vile and feindish monster you... You just made me disconet my only link to the civilization. Now I'll be stranded here on this island full of gorgeous virgins aged between 16 and 26 forever, with no contact to the rest of the world.

Whatever shall I do?

[quatroking]

When i push that red button, i heard a explosion some miles away. :D
(And by brother falls from the stairs)

EDIT: i have pushed more then 20 times on that button!!!!
(lets check out the news!)

[wormpaul]

it didnt work :not_ok:

[ReamusLQ]

see how long it takes to piss HIM (http://www.platinumgrit.com/poke.html) off

[quatroking]

(A little boy walks up to his father and asks him a question.)

Boy: Dad, is God a man or a woman?

Father: Both, son, both.

(After a short while the boy comes back.)

Boy: Dad, is God black or white?

Father: (After thinking for a short while) Both, son, both.

(After another wait, the boy comes back again)

Boy: Dad, is Michael Jackson God?

[wormpaul]

hehehe..

Love that one quatrocking :ok:

[wormpaul]

Originally posted by ReamusLQ@Feb 26 2005, 04:22 PM
see how long it takes to piss HIM (http://www.platinumgrit.com/poke.html) off
He doesnt wanna go any farther???

[maniac mansion]

an arab looks out his window and sees his friend hanging his carpet out the window so he yells whats the matter abdhul? wont it start? (no offense to any arabian abandonians or fans of the game prince of persia)

heres another...what the hell
a doctor a lawyer a priest and a bunch of kids are on a life boat, the doctor says save the children, the lawyer says *meep* THE CHILDREN, the priest says, muck you think we have time?
teehee

[Power_13]

A few months ago, I was in my local pub at around lunchtime. The doors opened and a duck walked in, waddled to the bar and sat on a barstool.

"Alright mate," he said to the bartender.
"What the..." the bartender looked around, and his eyes rested on the duck.
"I'll have a pint of Worthingtons and a pack of roased nuts."
The barman took five second to collect his jaw from the floor. "Wow...you're a talking duck! What are you doing here?!"
"Oh, I'm working on the building site across the road." The duck explained. "I'm a plasterer."



For the next few weeks, this duck would come in every lunchtime without fail for a pint and some nuts. Then one day, he came in as usual, sat himself down at the bar. By this time, the still-astounded barman knew the duck's order, so he went straight to work pulling the pint of beer.
"Hey," the barman said as he put the empty pint glass under the tap and pulled the handle. "I have good news for you, duck. I know a feller who works in a circus. I told him about you last night, and he's very interested in having you work for him!"

The duck paused, furrowed his brow, then replied. "A circus?"
"Yep."
"With clowns and elephants?"
"Yep!"
"Lions and trapeze artists?"
"Yep!"
"Big tent and a ringmaster?"
"Yep!"
"Animals and daredevil stunts?"
"Yep!"



"What the bugger do they need a plasterer for?"

[Sebatianos]

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the
Commission conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan
have 1 lessletter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f."
This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year,
publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go
away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th"with "z" and "w" with "v." During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o"
kan be dropd from words kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve
vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or
difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

E DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Mar 7 2005, 09:45 PM
The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the
Commission conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c." Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in
favor of the "k." This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan
have 1 lessletter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f."
This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year,
publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the
stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will
enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of
the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go
away. By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
"th"with "z" and "w" with "v." During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o"
kan be dropd from words kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of
kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve
vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or
difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

E DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
What a perfect practice to learn British accent! LOL LOL LOL LOL :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

[Darken]

Ok ive got a good one...

A man calls home from work to say he will be in late.
He dials the number and gets his little girls.
" hi, can you put mommy on the phone" the man askes

"no, she is busy with uncle frank upstairs"the girl replied

"but you dont have a uncle frank" the man said a litte confused

"well, he is here and him and mommy are upstairs together."The litte girl said

After hearing that his wife was having an affair the man got very angry.

"ok, i want you to run upstairs and yell that daddy is home" he told the little girl.

The little girls puts down the phone and is gone for a few minuts,

"ok i did it" She said.

"what did mommy do" the dad asked

"well, mommy ran down the stairs so fast that she fell and broke her neck and died" the little girl replied. "and uncle frank jumped out the window and fell into the empty swimming pool and died

There was a moment of silecnce then the man said
"swimming pool?" "is this 375-4436"

[BeefontheBone]

Q: How do you find Will Smith when it's been snowing?



















A: Look for the fresh prints.

[troop18546]

An alcoholic is walking by a bar and says:
- C'mon resist it, dont give in, dont, not today... :ranting:
He goes past it:
- Yes I resisted beer :w00t: ! Whoohoo :Brain: ! O.K. now it's time for a drink. :D

[xcom freak]

Guess what? Rocky's back.......
Forum is really dead right now and the thread has been idle for a long time now so here :
http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID...s&NSFW=0&page=3 (http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1851&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1853&DISPLAYORDER=20050128194731&CAT=movies&NSFW=0&page=3)

Canadian beer make people do strange things...

[DeathDude]

I'm going to pretend to ignore the comment about the Canadian beer, grrrr...

[xcom freak]

Originally posted by DeathDude@Mar 20 2005, 12:45 AM
I'm going to pretend to ignore the comment about the Canadian beer, grrrr...
I am also canadian my friend... and the movie IS made in canada......
Here have a molson on me :cheers:

[Sebatianos]

One day George W. asks his secretary: "How do you spell that country again? Iraq or Iran?"

[xcom freak]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Mar 20 2005, 01:15 AM
One day George W. asks his secretary: "How do you spell that country again? Iraq or Iran?"
Then he added : no matter i am gonna screw them both!!!

[Fawfulhasfury]

Well, something wierd happened yesterday. The lucasarts ceo was found stabbed in his office. But before he died, he was able to draw on a piece of stationery paper the last thing he saw. Look at the very bottom of his post for the drawing of his murderer.

[Xikarita]

LOL! I never trust cute little white bunnies...
... which reminds me of a joke:

Unce upon a time in the forest, Mr. Bear and Mr. Bunny were having a friendly chat. Suddenly, a fairy appears out of nowhere and says:

''Hello, I'm your fairy godmother. Because you've been such good boys, I will grant three wishes to each of you.''

''Cool!'', Mr. Bear says. ''For my 1st wish, I want every bear in this forest, except me, to be a female.''

''Alright!'', says the fairy.''It's granted. What about you, Mr. Bunny?''
''I want a fast bike'', says Mr. Bunny. ''Make it a Yamaha or something''.

''It's a strange wish, but I will grant it'', says the fairy.''Here you go. What's your 2nd wish, Mr. Bear?''

''I want every bear in this country, except me, to be a female'', says Mr. Bear.
''And I want a good helmet'', says Mr. Bunny.

''Alright! Your wishes are granted!'', says the fairy. ''Now for your last wish. Choose wisely!''

''Wohooo! I want EVERY bear in the WORLD, except ME, to be a female!!!!!'' says Mr. Bear with a greedy look.

Mr. Bunny hops on his new bike, puts on his helmet, turns the bike on and before he leaves, he says:
''I want...Mr. Bear...to be GAY!!!'' :D :D :D

[Sean]

Great stuff!

[Lizard]

Originally posted by Xikarita@Mar 21 2005, 04:29 PM
LOL! I never trust cute little white bunnies...
... which reminds me of a joke:

Unce upon a time in the forest, Mr. Bear and Mr. Bunny were having a friendly chat. Suddenly, a fairy appears out of nowhere and says:

''Hello, I'm your fairy godmother. Because you've been such good boys, I will grant three wishes to each of you.''

''Cool!'', Mr. Bear says. ''For my 1st wish, I want every bear in this forest, except me, to be a female.''

''Alright!'', says the fairy.''It's granted. What about you, Mr. Bunny?''
''I want a fast bike'', says Mr. Bunny. ''Make it a Yamaha or something''.

''It's a strange wish, but I will grant it'', says the fairy.''Here you go. What's your 2nd wish, Mr. Bear?''

''I want every bear in this country, except me, to be a female'', says Mr. Bear.
''And I want a good helmet'', says Mr. Bunny.

''Alright! Your wishes are granted!'', says the fairy. ''Now for your last wish. Choose wisely!''

''Wohooo! I want EVERY bear in the WORLD, except ME, to be a female!!!!!'' says Mr. Bear with a greedy look.

Mr. Bunny hops on his new bike, puts on his helmet, turns the bike on and before he leaves, he says:
''I want...Mr. Bear...to be GAY!!!'' :D :D :D
:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:
Evil,evil bunny... :twisted:

[Havell]

Yep, this is the second longest non-spam thread on the forums (longest being the UFO thread) and it was started by me ME!!! :evil:

[Data]

Originally posted by R Havell@Mar 21 2005, 06:41 PM
Yep, this is the second longest non-spam thread on the forums (longest being the UFO thread) and it was started by me ME!!! :evil:
Please keep it that way.

(so no thank you data for cleaning up a 42 pages post to 38 pages)

[Havell]

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window “Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir “
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a lovers’ lane. And nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 25, sir.”
“And her ... what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

and... Thank you Data for cleaning up a 42 pages post to 38 pages *runs and hides*

[Tulac]

Here's one for the Croatians(and those who feel that way):

Kako Srbi zovu Carlu Del Ponte?
Ni baba ni deda!

Now here's one for all of you:

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[Sebatianos]

Here's a liitle picture for all the Bud Spencer & Terence Hill fans!

[Lizard]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Mar 24 2005, 10:47 PM
Here's a liitle picture for all the Bud Spencer & Terence Hill fans!
: Hey this is a fake! :angry:
Bud Spencer is too thin!!! LOL

[TheVoid]

Originally posted by Lizard+Mar 24 2005, 10:49 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Lizard @ Mar 24 2005, 10:49 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Sebatianos@Mar 24 2005, 10:47 PM
Here's a liitle picture for all the Bud Spencer & Terence Hill fans!
: Hey this is a fake! :angry:
Bud Spencer is too thin!!! LOL [/b][/quote]
Wow...I didn't know Bud Spencer was so famous abroad :blink:

That's a hillarious pic, Seba LOL

[wormpaul]

Originally posted by Data+Mar 23 2005, 01:52 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Data @ Mar 23 2005, 01:52 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-R Havell@Mar 21 2005, 06:41 PM
Yep, this is the second longest non-spam thread on the forums (longest being the UFO thread) and it was started by me ME!!!* :evil:
Please keep it that way.

(so no thank you data for cleaning up a 42 pages post to 38 pages) [/b][/quote]
Well thank you data :kosta:

[Lizard]

Originally posted by TheVoid+Mar 25 2005, 04:23 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (TheVoid @ Mar 25 2005, 04:23 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Originally posted by Lizard@Mar 24 2005, 10:49 PM
******QuoteBegin-Sebatianos@Mar 24 2005, 10:47 PM
Here's a liitle picture for all the Bud Spencer & Terence Hill fans!
: Hey this is a fake! :angry:
Bud Spencer is too thin!!! LOL
Wow...I didn't know Bud Spencer was so famous abroad :blink:

That's a hillarious pic, Seba LOL [/b][/quote]
Are you kidding? About 11-13 hour you would have problem to NOT watch some of Bud Spencer nd Terence Hill films here.... :D

[Game Phre&#124;&lt;]

A blond is walking by a river looking for a crossing when she sees another blond on the other side. "Hey how did you get on the other side?" She asks. The other (more intelligent blond) replies, "You ARE on the other side." :bleh:

A blond's BMW is broken down and she pushes it to a mechanic. The mechanic works on it for about an hour and drives the car around. He hands the keys to the blond and she says, " Whats up with it?" The mechanic replies, "Just $hit in the carburator." She asks, "How often?"


HAHAHAHA :cheers:

[Sebatianos]

A blonde comes in a drug store: "My boyfriend has dandrough. How can I help him?"
"Just give him head and shoulders."
She returns in two weeks: "How do I give a guy a shoulder?"

[Omuletzu]

:ok: heh good one

[wormpaul]

hehe

Nice sebas :bleh:

[Timpsi]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[JJXB]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

[Rorture]

JOKE 1

After a long night of passionate lovemaking, a blonde is lying by her lover. She turns to her lover and asks:

"Umm, I know this may be a weird question, but do you have AIDS?"

"No." replies the lover.

The blond emits a sigh of relief.

"Thank God. I wouldn't want to get that again."

JOKE 2

A man walks into a bar and orders a scotch.

"That's a bit heavy, ain't it." the bartender comments.

"I need it." replies the man, "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend."

"That's bad." the bartender says as he hands him the scotch, "What did you tell your wife?"

"Well." the man says, "I looked her straight in the eye and said, 'Get your clothes, get your suitcase and get your behind the hell out of here."

"Fair enough." says the bartender, "What did you say to your best friend.:

"Well." the man says, "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG!!!"

[peregy]

HAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA LOL :roflol: :roflol: LOL

[Unknown Hero]

Woman came to visit her husband at the hospital. When she arrived, she told him what happened during the voyage:
She didn't have the money to pay the taxi, so the taxist told her: "You can suck, or you can sing."
The husband asked: "You sung, right?"
And the woman replied: "How could I sing if you are lying here in hospital!"

[Zarkumo]

Originally posted by Tulac@Mar 24 2005, 09:24 PM
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

.
.
.
You forgot number

22. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. (This is a correct English sentence...)

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Zarkumo+Mar 30 2005, 09:43 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Zarkumo @ Mar 30 2005, 09:43 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Tulac@Mar 24 2005, 09:24 PM
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

.
.
.
You forgot number

22. Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. (This is a correct English sentence...) [/b][/quote]
Yea right: Da bi bi(je)lo bilo bilo bil(je)o bilo. (dalmatinski naglasak) - this is a correct Croatian sentence (it doesn't make any sense).

[JJXB]

This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says,
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said, and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice."


Sincerely,

Dick Van Dyke
---------------------------
Man at the ATM

1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take Money
6) Drive away


Woman at the ATM

1) Park the car
2) Check makeup
3) Turn off engine
4) Check makeup
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt for ATM card in the purse.
7) Insert card
8) Hit Cancel
9) Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on
it.
10) Insert card
11) Enter PIN
12) Take cash
13) Go to car
14) Check makeup
15) Start car
16) Stop car
17) Run back to ATM
18) Take ATM card
19) Back to car
20) Check makeup
21) Start car
22) Check makeup
23) Drive for 1/2 mile
24) Release hand brake
25) Drive on
--------------------
difference beween love and marriage:
Love is holding hands in the street. * Marriage is holding arguments in the
street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant. * Marriage is a Chinese
take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa. * Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children. * Marriage is talking about getting
away from children.
Love is going to bed early. * Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive. * Marriage is a tarmac drive.
Love is losing your appetite. * Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear. * Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame. * Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. * Marriage is "Don't you think you've had
enough!".
In short, Love is blind, * Marriage is an eye opener!!!
---------------------
A lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean.
>
> Upon arriving, she meets a wonderful man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What is your name?"
>
> "I can't tell you the man says
>
> Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what is his name and he always responds the same, he can't tell her
>
> On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name
>
> 'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me" says the islander.
>
> There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
>
> 'Fine, Name is Snow!" the man replies.
>
> And the lady bursts into laughter, and the man gets mad and says, I knew you would make fun of it
>
> The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of you. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow in the Caribbean

[Evad]

LOL, ok two guys are in a bank and they both have black eyes.


1st man: "Hey buddy how'd you get the shiner"?
2nd: "Oh its kinda funny. You see my wife and I just went to Pittsburgh. When we went to purchase our tickets, the ticket booth woman had the nicest set I've ever seen. I meant to ask for two tickets to pittsburgh, but instead i asked for two pickets to titsburgh. I turned around just in time to see my wifes fist....."
1st man: "You're kidding, the same thing happened to me. I was at the table with the wife, and I meant to say "please pass the butter",but instead I said "you ruined my life you ***en ****."

[Zarkumo]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero+Mar 30 2005, 11:06 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Unknown Hero @ Mar 30 2005, 11:06 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Zarkumo@Mar 30 2005, 09:43 PM
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. (This is a correct English sentence...)
Yea right: Da bi bi(je)lo bilo bilo bil(je)o bilo. (dalmatinski naglasak) - this is a correct Croatian sentence (it doesn't make any sense). [/b][/quote]
The buffalo sentence is correct AND makes sense. Buffalo is a verb, an animal and a city. Throw in some weird English grammar rules on subclauses and there you go. :D

[Sebatianos]

Blondes in the US...

What's the difference between a Northern and a Southern blonde?

A Norhtern blonde says - "You can!"
A Southern blonde says - "Y'all can!"

[Unknown Hero]

At the end WW2 fascists were 'hunted' by comunists. Fascists run and hid in a well. Comunists arrived near well and asked themselfs:
"Where could those fascists be???"
Other soldier said: "Maybe in the wood?"
Echo from the well: "Maybe in the wood?"
Soldier: "Maybe by the river?"
Echo from the well: "Maybe by the river?"
Soldier: "Maybe in the well?"
Echo from the well: "Maybe in the wood?"

[Rogue]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Mar 31 2005, 12:53 PM
Blondes in the US...

What's the difference between a Northern and a Southern blonde?

A Norhtern blonde says - "You can!"
A Southern blonde says - "Y'all can!"
:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

true, true.... LOL LOL LOL

[wormpaul]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Mar 31 2005, 05:53 PM
Blondes in the US...

What's the difference between a Northern and a Southern blonde?

A Norhtern blonde says - "You can!"
A Southern blonde says - "Y'all can!"
hehe

this is a great one :roflol: :roflol:

[a1s]

two flies are talking:
the older, more experienced fly says: life is a piece of sh*t...
the younger one answers: yeah, and that is so great!

[Sebatianos]

Have you heard the one about a teenaged girl that was afraid of flies?


...until she opened one :whistle:

[a1s]

Originally posted by Zarkumo+Mar 31 2005, 05:21 AM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Zarkumo @ Mar 31 2005, 05:21 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>Originally posted by Unknown Hero@Mar 30 2005, 11:06 PM
******QuoteBegin-Zarkumo@Mar 30 2005, 09:43 PM
Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. (This is a correct English sentence...)
Yea right: Da bi bi(je)lo bilo bilo bil(je)o bilo. (dalmatinski naglasak) - this is a correct Croatian sentence (it doesn't make any sense).
The buffalo sentence is correct AND makes sense. Buffalo is a verb, an animal and a city. Throw in some weird English grammar rules on subclauses and there you go. :D[/b][/quote]
well if it makes sence, could you refrase it (with synonims maybe) so could understand it, because I only got as far as the first two words (a buffalo from the town of Buffalo).

a Russian (this is how it was told to me, probaly any nationality, like german or french fits) goes to a turkish disqoteque wearing a T-shirt that says " turks have 3 problems", emedietly a local guy (turk) comes to him and says, that he better ge tout of there. the russian says :" well here's your first problem- you're too agressive!", the turk goes away, but by the end of the event a wole gang of turks are waiting for the russian. He says: "here's your second problem- you can't solve anything alone, you have to gather all of your friends!". Now the turks are really mad, get out a few knifes and tell the russian that "he asked for it". "here's your third problem- says the russain taking out a pistol- you allways come with knifes to a shootout!"

A Chukchan (chukchas are the natives of a far north russian territory, right across the sea from alaska, the are usualy the "dumb" charecter in a joke- for future reference) Hunter and his russian colege/intern are hunting a bear. The chukcha sees a bear fire a shot in the air, starts running away and tells the russian to do the same, which he does, but as the russian runs he starts to think " hey I'm a good hunter, I don't need to run from any bear!" so he turns around and shoots the bear right between the eyes. Chukcha tells him "you are a fool russian! who will pull the bear the 10 kilometers to our camp now?"

[Timpsi]

Originally posted by a1s@Apr 3 2005, 02:21 AM

well if it makes sence, could you refrase it (with synonims maybe) so could understand it, because I only got as far as the first two words (a buffalo from the town of Buffalo).
Google is your friend. :) http://rec-puzzles.org/new/sol.pl/language.../repeated.words (http://rec-puzzles.org/new/sol.pl/language/english/sentences/repeated.words)

[Havell]

That's interesting, I've never actually heard of "buffalo" as a verb before.

[Sean]

Isnt there ''Buffallo'' dancing?

Wouldnt that be when it was used as a verb?

I just did/danced the buffalo?

I dunno...

[Zarkumo]

I found that sentence in "The Language Instinct" by Stephen Pinker (linguist). The sentence means that buffalo from the city of Buffalo who are bullied by buffalo from the city of Buffalo bully themselves buffalo from the city of Buffalo. It's a seriously twisted sentence...

Pinker also talks about parallels between the sentences "Time flies like an arrow." and "Fruit flies like a banana." :D

[Sean]

That supposed 'SENTENCE' doesnt actually make any sense.. even now!

[Danny252]

The child the parents had had had had had no breakfast.
makes sense!
so, the child the parents had had had (by other people) had had no breakfast

[Stijepethegreat]

Do you know what the number one reason to be a Serb is?
You get a wide variety of war criminals to choose from in elections!

Another great reason for being a Serb......
Its the only European country that NATO will bomb

And the great thing about being Croat!
You're not a Serb

[Lizard]

Originally posted by Stijepethegreat@Apr 3 2005, 10:39 PM
Do you know what the number one reason to be a Serb is?
You get a wide variety of war criminals to choose from in elections!

Another great reason for being a Serb......
Its the only European country that NATO will bomb

And the great thing about being Croat!
You're not a Serb
ughhh.... :huh:
All that need be said..... LOL

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Danny252@Apr 4 2005, 03:08 AM
The child the parents had had had had had no breakfast.
makes sense!
so, the child the parents had had had (by other people) had had no breakfast
Are you sure there isn't one too many had's there. In what sense is the third had in?

[Danny252]

explain again:
The parents had had the child born (ie had) by other people
the parents had had the child had
the child the parents had had had
The child had had no brekky
the child the parents had had had had had no brekky ^^

[Nijya]

I am sorry if this sounds not nice by chance, but is it supposed to be a joke, Danny? I can not understand it, somehow... I admit though that i still have much to learn, but my commonsense fails me here.

[Havell]

Don't worry, 99% of native english speakers wouldn't understand that, I doubt he really does. It's just a stupid thing you can do with the english language.

[Sebatianos]

The parents had had a child - they had (have no more) had (got it by others).
the child had had - the child had (he had) had no (didn't have)...

So:
The parents did get a child and that and this child that the parents did have - didn't have any breakfast...

Or something like this. It's easier to understand then to explain :wall:

[Rogue]

That's why we have English teacher here. ;)

Sup Seb, how's life? :bye:

Ughhh, joke... well, don't know any jokes.... :blink:

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Anubis@Apr 4 2005, 07:12 PM
Ughhh, joke... well, don't know any jokes.... :blink:
:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

And you think I really believe that you haven't at least one Mujo & Haso joke up your sleave?

[Rogue]

Those do not count.... :D

I got a small view for you, but need email address that can recieve 4MB video.

It's Suljo i Mujo video, where Suljo tells Mujo that he is a gay. LOL

[Sebatianos]

You can send it to sebatianos@yahoo.co.uk

OK - then I have a Mujo joke for you.
Mujo had a really bad case of hemeroids and went to the doctor.
He told him to undress and took a look at his arse. Then he took some cream and applied it there.
Mujo felt better, but in a few days the problem returned. Again he went to the doctor and he did the same.
It was again better for a few days, but those hemeroids started acting up again!
Mujo went to the doctor for the third time, but this time he asked him to give him the recepit for the cream and that his wife should apply it - so he wouldn't have to go to the doctor's office so often. The doctor gave him the perscription and Mujo got home with the cream.
He started undressed and started explaining to his wife Fata how she should apply the cream:
"You put one hand on my shoulder... the other around my waste... WTF??? What did he use to apply the cream then?"

[peregy]

Anubis send it to me please
EDIT:emali peregy@cg.yu

[Sean]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 4 2005, 06:31 PM
You can send it to sebatianos@yahoo.co.uk

OK - then I have a Mujo joke for you.
Mujo had a really bad case of hemeroids and went to the doctor.
He told him to undress and took a look at his arse. Then he took some cream and applied it there.
Mujo felt better, but in a few days the problem returned. Again he went to the doctor and he did the same.
It was again better for a few days, but those hemeroids started acting up again!
Mujo went to the doctor for the third time, but this time he asked him to give him the recepit for the cream and that his wife should apply it - so he wouldn't have to go to the doctor's office so often. The doctor gave him the perscription and Mujo got home with the cream.
He started undressed and started explaining to his wife Fata how she should apply the cream:
"You put one hand on my shoulder... the other around my waste... WTF??? What did he use to apply the cream then?"
:whistle: :tease: :roflol:

[xcom freak]

This one sounds better in Arabic but here goes:

There was this doctor he had a sign in front of his clinic that goes : if i cure you you give me 100$ and if i cant cure you i give u 100$.
A guy passes by the clinic and decides to fool the doctor, he goes in and say

-Doctor i cant taste anymore i dont know what happened to me

The doctor looks at him and shouts to his nurse :

-Nurse nurse give me vial number 14

The nurse came in with the vial and give it to the patient. the patient takes it and then spits it out directly saying :

-It tastes like SH*T !

THe guy pays the doctor and leaves. Wanting vengeance he came back the next day this time he tells the doctor :

-Doctor i lost my memory i dont know what happened to me

The doctor looks at him and shouts to his nurse :

-Nurse nurse give me vial number 14
The patient looks at him and says :

-No not Sh*t again

THe guy pays the doctor and leaves. Wanting vengeance again he came back the next day :ranting: this time he tells the doctor :

-Doctor i dont know what happened i cant f*ck anymore

The doctor looks at him and shouts to his nurse :

-Nurse nurse give me vial number 14

The patient looks at him all :ranting: and shouts :
-look if u give me that vial one more time i am gonna f*ck you and your stupid nurse!!

The patient payed him and left!!

oof long one.

[Sebatianos]

:D LOL :roflol: :kosta:

[Sean]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 4 2005, 06:46 PM
:D LOL :roflol: :kosta:
AGREED!

[Sebatianos]

A blonde goes to a store to buy some fruits and vegetables. Looking at all the cucumbers, carrots, bananas,... she starts feeling really horny. She rushes out of the store and grabs the first guy she sees by the arm:
"Buddy I've got an ichypussy.!
"Sorry can't help you. Can't tell those Japanesee cars apart."

[xcom freak]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 4 2005, 07:02 PM
A blonde goes to a store to buy some fruits and vegetables. Looking at all the cucumbers, carrots, bananas,... she starts feeling really horny. She rushes out of the store and grabs the first guy she sees by the arm:
"Buddy I've got an ichypussy.!
"Sorry can't help you. Can't tell those Japanesee cars apart."
LOL good one...

ok.... French have belgians , canadians have newfies, lebanese have syrians,arabs are the victims of all , pakis.....
but all the jokes would be racial so we need to find something for abandonnia :

there was this racist guy who owned an appliance store and he had a sign saying :

'sorry we dont serve Hotu members'

A hotu fanatic passes by and sees the sign he goes crazy deciding to fool him he goes in

He sais : i want to buy this TV
the other answerd : i am sorry we dont sell stuff to hotu

the guy looks at him all :blink: thinking how did he know?

the next day he comes wearing drag (as in dragqueen) he looks at the owner and says : i want to buy this TV
the other answerd : i am sorry look at the sign we dont sell stuff to hotu

The third day, he comes wearing a long beard with a hat with big glasses and everything and he says :

i want to buy this TV .
the other answerd : i am sorry we dont sell stuff to hotu

The customer all :ranting: says how on earth did u know ??????

the shopowner says : It is a FRIDGE.

Again funnier in arabic

[Sebatianos]

The way I heard it - that guy wanted to buy a record-player (for LPs... does anybody remember what are those? ... or he wanted to buy an accordion).
Both cases he went into a hardware store and was looking either at a stove (a four LP record player) or a radiatord (that big warm accordion you got hanging on the wall).

[xcom freak]

ok this one i am sure is 100% middle east.no one knows it... sick sens of humour

a guy's wife was giving birth, the doctor asked her to push, she pushed so hard that the baby flew away through the window and landed on the street. Everybody griefed but life goes on... they tried again the doctor asked her to push she pushed and there goes the baby flying away. The husband got really mad and decided to become a goal keeper so he could next time save his child. he starts off small then little by little he joined the french league then german then JUVE :bleh: anyway he becomes the best keeper in the world. His wife is now giving birth to her third child.. the doctor asked her to push she pushed the baby flew away ... the husband jumped caught it rolled again and again and saved the baby... everybody applauded and shouted..the husband got so excited that he threw the baby and goal kicked him....

translation is HARD!!!

[Lizard]

Originally posted by xcom freak@Apr 4 2005, 08:33 PM
ok this one i am sure is 100% middle east.no one knows it... sick sens of humour

a guy's wife was giving birth, the doctor asked her to push, she pushed so hard that the baby flew away through the window and landed on the street. Everybody griefed but life goes on... they tried again the doctor asked her to push she pushed and there goes the baby flying away. The husband got really mad and decided to become a goal keeper so he could next time save his child. he starts off small then little by little he joined the french league then german then JUVE :bleh: anyway he becomes the best keeper in the world. His wife is now giving birth to her third child.. the doctor asked her to push she pushed the baby flew away ... the husband jumped caught it rolled again and again and saved the baby... everybody applauded and shouted..the husband got so excited that he threw the baby and goal kicked him....

translation is HARD!!!
real sick.... :eeeeeh:
I like it! :D

[peregy]

Originally posted by xcom freak@Apr 4 2005, 07:33 PM
ok this one i am sure is 100% middle east.no one knows it... sick sens of humour

a guy's wife was giving birth, the doctor asked her to push, she pushed so hard that the baby flew away through the window and landed on the street. Everybody griefed but life goes on... they tried again the doctor asked her to push she pushed and there goes the baby flying away. The husband got really mad and decided to become a goal keeper so he could next time save his child. he starts off small then little by little he joined the french league then german then JUVE :bleh: anyway he becomes the best keeper in the world. His wife is now giving birth to her third child.. the doctor asked her to push she pushed the baby flew away ... the husband jumped caught it rolled again and again and saved the baby... everybody applauded and shouted..the husband got so excited that he threw the baby and goal kicked him....

translation is HARD!!!
:tease: :D :roflol: LOL

[Danny252]

lmao thats funny

[Sebatianos]

REally funny, but I knew that one :whistle:
I prefer the version when she's not pushing babies - but has to throw her baby off the burning house. The goal-keeper catches it and WHAM!

I found out a long time ago, that if you wish to tell a joke no-one has ever heard you must make it up your self.
Two probles - they usually aren't that funny, and there's no guaranty that no-one had heard it already. Maybe it's just you who haven't heard it yet.

So I made up some jokes of my own (hope they're amusing at least).

Ancient Greece a village of Kentaors (half horse - half men).
A young Kentaor leaves his village to study medicine with the great healer Hypocrates. A few years latter he returns and finds his good friend bleeding with an arrow in the chest.
"Help me" says the friend.
"I know you too good for that. You won't be able to pay me."
"But I'm gonna die!"
"So? No money - no help."
Then that friends thinks really hard and says: "Well you studied with Hipocrates. What about his oath?"
"That doesn't apply for vets!"

[xcom freak]

LOL Very good.

:ranting: this one i am sure u havent heard before!!!

Two friends went hunting in a forest at 5AM.

one of them wanted to pee so he found a cozy corner and unzipped ...but suddenly a snake bit him where it hurts the most....
the guy panicked started to shout.... the other guy grabbed his cell and called the doctor : Doctor doctor my friend got bit by a snake what should we do?
-easy dont panick just suck the poison out .

the hurt friend turn to the other guy and aks : so what did the doctor tell you??

-I am sorry but You are a dead man....

[Lizard]

Originally posted by xcom freak@Apr 4 2005, 08:58 PM
LOL Very good.

:ranting: this one i am sure u havent heard before!!!

Two friends went hunting in a forest at 5AM.

one of them wanted to pee so he found a cozy corner and unzipped ...but suddenly a snake bit him where it hurts the most....
the guy panicked started to shout.... the other guy grabbed his cell and called the doctor : Doctor doctor my friend got bit by a snake what should we do?
-easy dont panick just suck the poison out .

the hurt friend turn to the other guy and aks : so what did the doctor tell you??

-I am sorry but You are a dead man....
Sorry
Even I know this one.... :bleh:
But it is good one :ok: LOL

[Sebatianos]

OK - might be a bit harder to understand, but my own again...

The Sphyngs comet to Athens. But because it's in a good mood it doesn't want to cause the plague. So it looks around for the smartest man, the one who's surely gonna answer the riddle.
When the smarets man in town is found the Sphyngs want's to make sure the guy will answer the riddle and asks him: "What do you know?"
Socrates answeres: "Nothing."

[xcom freak]

:pissed: :cry: :cry: This is hopeless.... my database ruined ruined....and i thought i had new jokes WAIT :

bad jake but i am sure u dont know it

after the lebanese civil war there was a lot of wounded and mutilated people (thats a good way to start a joke ) anyway there was this guy who lost his arm in the war and was so depressed that he was to going to kill himself. walking towards the tracks (where he plans to do it) he crossed a guy who lost two arms dancing and dancing not stopping for once. THe guy was :blink: and he approached him and ask him : i have one arm and i cant live like that, u have none how come ur dancing ?

-Dancing dancing me i am trying to scratch my behind.

[xcom freak]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 4 2005, 08:03 PM
OK - might be a bit harder to understand, but my own again...

The Sphyngs comet to Athens. But because it's in a good mood it doesn't want to cause the plague. So it looks around for the smartest man, the one who's surely gonna answer the riddle.
When the smarets man in town is found the Sphyngs want's to make sure the guy will answer the riddle and asks him: "What do you know?"
Socrates answeres: "Nothing."
Ur jokes are Sophistacated and really funny... and quite original :ok: lmao

[Lizard]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 4 2005, 09:03 PM
OK - might be a bit harder to understand, but my own again...

The Sphyngs comet to Athens. But because it's in a good mood it doesn't want to cause the plague. So it looks around for the smartest man, the one who's surely gonna answer the riddle.
When the smarets man in town is found the Sphyngs want's to make sure the guy will answer the riddle and asks him: "What do you know?"
Socrates answeres: "Nothing."
This one is awesome!! LOL LOL LOL
You made it by yourself??? :blink:
Very good :kosta:

x-com freak :OK,i didnt know this one....

[xcom freak]

Bad joke i know but u didnt know it :Brain:

[Sebatianos]

@Xcom freak: I didn't know that one either - and it's :roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

@Lizard: Yes, I made those up myself.
Got a few more... but maybe some other time.
It happened when I was reading this short story by Isac Assimov - The Joker. The story was something like this:
Two guys were talking about jokes. They were surprised how there are no really new jokes and how people still laugh at joke about things that are now in the distant past. So they came to the conclusion, that humor was something aliens gave to the human kind as an experiment. When they found that out - the world stopped laughing.

So I was trying really hard to prove that story wrong - and I guess I succeeded.

[DeathDude]

I thought it was funny. LOL

[Sebatianos]

OK - this is not my joke, but I mentioned it in another topic so...

The Angels in heaven were throwing fire cracker, and the Holy Ghost was really scared of them, so he complained to the Lord: "Can you make them stop?"
The Lord talked to angels and they stopped throwing firecracker.
Next Joseph threw a firecracker right at the Holy Ghost.
The Holy Ghost went to the Lord again and complaind about Joseph.
The Lord called Joseph to his side and asked: "Joseph, haven't you forgiven him yet?"

[Lizard]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 4 2005, 09:46 PM
OK - this is not my joke, but I mentioned it in another topic so...

The Angels in heaven were throwing fire cracker, and the Holy Ghost was really scared of them, so he complained to the Lord: "Can you make them stop?"
The Lord talked to angels and they stopped throwing firecracker.
Next Joseph threw a firecracker right at the Holy Ghost.
The Holy Ghost went to the Lord again and complaind about Joseph.
The Lord called Joseph to his side and asked: "Joseph, haven't you forgiven him yet?"
I needed few seconds till I get it after that: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

[Tulac]

LOL Poor Joseph, but firecrackers aren't the way...

[ReamusLQ]

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

"See you next month"

[Havell]

:blink: That's just nasty! LOL :ok:

[Havell]

This doesn't count as a double post because this is my thread and i say it doesn't :)

A man goes into a public toilet, there is no-one there except for him and a dwarf. The man goes to the urinal next to the dwarf and starts pissing, the dwarf says to the man, "Nice balls, mate."
"Err... thanks says the man." and carries on.
The dwarf then says, "I'm sorry, but your balls are just do nice, can I please touch them."
The man looks around to see if there's anyone there and says, "Err... OK then, why not."
The dwarf runs off, comes back with a small stepladder, sets it up next to the man, climbs up it and grabs hold of the man's balls. He then shouts, "Give me all your money or I'll jump!"

[Sean]

Originally posted by R Havell@Apr 4 2005, 11:35 PM
This doesn't count as a double post because this is my thread and i say it doesn't :)

A man goes into a public toilet, there is no-one there except for him and a dwarf. The man goes to the urinal next to the dwarf and starts pissing, the dwarf says to the man, "Nice balls, mate."
"Err... thanks says the man." and carries on.
The dwarf then says, "I'm sorry, but your balls are just do nice, can I please touch them."
The man looks around to see if there's anyone there and says, "Err... OK then, why not."
The dwarf runs off, comes back with a small stepladder, sets it up next to the man, climbs up it and grabs hold of the man's balls. He then shouts, "Give me all your money or I'll jump!"
LOL

Fecking Hillarious! :ok:

[Danny252]

LOL thats just crazy. like the 3 worst chinese tortures, which I believe is somewhere back in this great thread..

[Sebatianos]

A young inexperianced girl gets married - and right after the wedding she and her husband go to her bedroom (she still living with her parents).
She takes off his shirt and sees a chest full of hair. She runs down to her mother: "Mom, he's got hair all over his chest!"
Mom: "He's a real man honey. He's supposed to have it. Just go back upstairs and do your duty!"
Next she takes of his pants and sees the guy has tattooes all over his legs.
"Mom, he's got tattooes all over his legs!"
Mom: "He's really a real man! Honey go back upstairs and enjoy your duty!"
She goes back up and takes of his shoes and socks and discovers he has half a foot missing.
"Mom!!! He's got a foot and a half!!!"
Mom: "Stay here honey. Let mommy take care of that!"

[a1s]

here's a stupid joke:
a man is calling his pager company tech support support
-Hi, I have a problem
- what is it?
- I don't get some of the messages sent to me.
- try reading them again


a chukcha buys a Mercedes, the after a few months a friend asks him how is it, the chukcha says: it's great! It's warm inside, the lights brighten up everything, there's just one problem- the deer get tired quickly.



People of different nacionalities have gathered around the table in a restaurant. Everyone has ordered a glass of wine, but when it was brought, it turned out there was a fly in every glass.
A sweed demanded new wine in the same glass.
Englishman new wine in a new glass.
Finn took out the fly and drank the wine.
Russian drank everything including the fly.
Chineese ate the fly, but left the wine untouched.
Jew fished out his fly and sold it to the chineese.
Gypsy drank 2/3 of his wine and then demaned a new one.
Norvegian took the fly and went fishing.
American sued the restaraunt demanding 65 milion dollars for moral offence.
Scotsman took the fly and started strangling it screeming: "spit out all you drank you @#%^&!"
Cuban said it was social-democrats fault, stabed the waiter with a knife, di'dn't drink the wine, for itš a drink for wemen and asked loudly where is his Rum.

[Rogue]

Seb,
do you play golf? LOL :tomato:

Here is one in Bosnian/Croatian language (imposible to translate):

Mujo, šta'š bit kad narasteš?
Bit ću ženu!

[Sebatianos]

First I'll try to translate Anubis' joke:
What kind of a beat will you enjoy when you grow up?
Beating my wife.
(Doesn't go that well).

And here's another joke (one of mine again).
Two dogs were talking by the fence.
1st dog: "Damn. I'm so horney, but people are always chasing me away if a get to close to a bitch."
2nd dog: "Well I'm pure bread and I don't have this problem. When I get horney, my mistress..."
1st dog interupts him: "Yeah, yeah, I know you belong to a blonde!"

[Rogue]

Seba,
translated will be like this:

Mujo, what you'll going to be when you grow up?
I'll beat my wife.

In this case being and beating are same words in our language. (bit, short of biti)

[rainwife]

Anubis - we got the joke in your language, the closest that we could have come to with the translation was this what Seb wrote.
Now a baby one -
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because 7,8 9. (Say it out loud - slowly... If you stil don't get it, ask me :D )

[Sean]

I dont get it :(

[TheVoid]

Originally posted by Magic@Apr 6 2005, 05:09 PM
I dont get it :(
WARNING: JOKE SPOILER



















Because seven ate nine.

[Rogue]

Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[peregy]

Originally posted by Anubis@Apr 6 2005, 04:58 PM
Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
LOL :tease: :D :roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

[Sean]

OMFG!!!!

Only egotastic Americans.... jah flame me if you wish ;)

[DeathDude]

LOL :roflol: I love that joke, oh man, gave me a good laugh.

[Lizard]

Originally posted by Anubis@Apr 6 2005, 05:58 PM
Change your course now

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Old,well-known but still PERFECT!!!!
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

[Danny252]

LOL wonder how long the americans felt embarrased

[rainwife]

Originally posted by Magic@Apr 6 2005, 04:09 PM
I dont get it :(
OK - If you say it out loud - Because seven eight nine - here eight is pronounced as /ejt/ and the past tense of the verb eat is ate pronounced as /ejt/ as well. So in this case it would mean that seven has already eaten nine.
Get it now?!

EDIT - Sorry, I didn't see that Void already wrote the answer!

[Danny252]

too bad I skiped the joke and read the spoiler first..

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Magic it is the most basic kind of joke you will come across, it's basicer than the classical basic joke of "why did the chicken cross the road?". I'm surprised you couldn't understand such a basic joke. I love the word 'basic'.

Reminds me of a joke, probably all heard it, I may have already posted it in the thread a long time ago but oh well.


Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares why isn't she in the kitchen.

Why couldn't the woman cross the road?
The chain tying her to the kitchen sink wasn't long enough.


:tomato: :tomato: :tomato:

[rainwife]

Yup, an really old one...
Hmm, I don't know if Seb already told you this one - )I hope he won't be too angry if I tell it, because I think it is his original one or maybe not...

What is better than roses on a piano?
















Tulips on my organ.

If you don't get it - you can alsways ask :whistle:
:D

[Iron_Scarecrow]

I think I get it but I'm not sure about it, so what does it mean?

[rainwife]

Tulips on my organ.
/two lips on my organ/
Organ - can have at least two meanings here - the first one is connected to the piano and in this case one is refearing to the church organ, but to get the joke you have to think off your organ - pennis or vagina.
Roses and tulips are flowers, but tulips pronounced out loud is said the same as two lips - and I don't think I have to go on... :D

[Marek]

Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow@Apr 7 2005, 08:32 AM
I think I get it but I'm not sure about it, so what does it mean?
I am sure you got that one you just wanted someone here to say "two lips on my organ..."

:bleh:

[Iron_Scarecrow]

LOL

To be honest I was kind of leaning toward "Your lips on my organ", never thought of two. :crazy:

And that didn't really work so that's why I was unsure.

[Rogue]

3 Wishes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

[BeefontheBone]

There's hundreds of those things, with regional variations on who the "stupid" character is. For instance

A blonde, brunette and a redhead are on a desert island, and find themselves being chased by cannibals. They run up a mountain into a cave and realise they're trapped, but then find a magic lantern. A genie appears when they rub it and grants them each a wish.

The brunette says "I wish to be turned into a hawk, so I can fly away to escape these cannibals." And sure enough, she's turned into a hawk and flies to safety.

The redhead thinks That's a good idea! and says "I wish to become an eagle, so I can escape the cannibals too." And she gets turned into an eagle and flies away.

Not wanting to be outdone, the blonde thinks Good plan - I better get turned into a bird too, so I can fly to safety. Then she says "In order to escape the cannibals, I wish to be turned into a penguin."

[FreeFreddy]

The farmhand Josl returns beaming with joy from the market: "Imagine, farmer, I sold our pig for 8000 €!" The farmer is inspired, because Josl is not otherwise the brightest one: "Well, great! Did you get it bar or as cheque?" Josl brightens: "Neither of them. I got two chickens for 4000 euro each!"

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Hmmmmm. Is 8000 euro's much?

Also good to see you back Freddy. :ok:


So anyway back to blonde jokes and such. I have a feeling you've all heard it. Probably from me on this thread, I don't know many jokes.

Two blondes are driving to Disney Land, they saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left", so they turned around and went home.

[Sebatianos]

Freddy's back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@Iron 1 euro is a bit more then 1$.

@Rainwife - it's not my original joke... but I like tulips on...

Here's my original one - very cute and incoent this time:

A centopede came crying home from the school dance.
Mother: What's wrong honey?
Daughter: A Ladybug told me I have two left feet!
Mother: So... We can't all be great dancers.
Daughter: It's not that. just tell me where will I get 98 right shoes???

[Rogue]

This joke is a bad translation (done by me) from one local balkan joke LOL

Bosnian, Serb and Croat came to God and he allowed them one question each before they would be set in 'other' world.

First Croat asks: When Croatia will be strongest country in region?

God: In 140 years!

Croats cries and says: I will not live that long!

Next Serb asks: When we will win Kosovo back?

God: In 204 years!

Serbs cry complaining that he will not live that long.

Bosnian: When Serbs will stop with lies?

GOD cries: I will not live that long!


:D

[FreeFreddy]

Hehe, funny one. :D
With partially some sad taste, too...

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow@Apr 7 2005, 05:19 AM
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares why isn't she in the kitchen.
I made this one myself while I was reading 'that one'.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares if it isn't chicken!?

[a1s]

on the subject of "road" jokes:
why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
he didn't have the guts!

[FreeFreddy]

"You look so depressed. Something wrong?", Ema asks her man. "Oh, I just read a book with a very, very sad conclusion." - "What book was that?" - "Our passbook..."

[TaloN]

twisted joke but i find it amusing:

why did the little girl fall off the swing?
because she had no arms.

[Sean]

That is twisted.. didnt find it to funny and to be honest i dont know why.. i usually LOL at jokes like that :(

[Sebatianos]

You want twisted sadistic jokes? Off course you do!!!

How do you put a baby in a meat grinder?
With feet first - to see the faces it makes when it starts to hurt!

What's worse then seven babies in one garbage can?
One baby in seven cans!

A proud young mother takes her baby to a medical checkup, but the doctor forgets to weigh the baby. On the way back she went to the butcher's to get some meat and thought ?He has a large enough scale - why shouldn't he weigh the baby'. The butcher agrees and takes the baby in the back room. After four minutes he says to the woman:
"It wighs four pounds - boneless..."

[TaloN]

ahahahhahahah i think i wet myself.

i would put the joke about what makes women scream and hte homesick period but there just over the edge imo

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by a1s@Apr 8 2005, 04:06 PM
on the subject of "road" jokes:
why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
he didn't have the guts!
Another one about road that I made by myself.

Why didn't a cripple cross the road?
He didn't make it to the other side before the car arived.

[Sean]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero+Apr 8 2005, 08:48 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Unknown Hero @ Apr 8 2005, 08:48 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-a1s@Apr 8 2005, 04:06 PM
on the subject of "road" jokes:
why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
he didn't have the guts!
Another one about road that I made by myself.

Why didn't a cripple cross the road?
He didn't make it to the other side before the car arived. [/b][/quote]
A bit long but it was ok :ok:

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Magic+Apr 8 2005, 11:26 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Magic @ Apr 8 2005, 11:26 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Originally posted by Unknown Hero@Apr 8 2005, 08:48 PM
******QuoteBegin-a1s@Apr 8 2005, 04:06 PM
on the subject of "road" jokes:
why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
he didn't have the guts!
Another one about road that I made by myself.

Why didn't a cripple cross the road?
He didn't make it to the other side before the car arived.
A bit long but it was ok :ok: [/b][/quote]
It's a bit long because I had to explain everything. In real life I will just say 'He didn't make it to the other side', and then if somebody don't understand it, I will explain it.

[Sean]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor. The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?" "Yes, I want some service," states the drunk. She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table. When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!" The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again

A man wakes up one morning with a huge erection that just won't go away. After a couple of days, he is really concerned, so he puts on the baggiest pair of trousers he can find and heads for the drug store. He enters the store and goes to the pharmaceutical section. The lady there asks if she might help him. He asks to see a male pharmacist. The woman tells him that there is no male pharmacist. The man starts to leave. The woman says, "Wait a minute, sir, I am a registered pharmacist, as is my sister, and we own the store. We are very professional and discreet and accustomed to personal problems of all kinds." The guy is desperate. He edges up to the counter, unzips his trousers, and gets out his rather stiff member. He then says, "What can you give me for this?" The woman says, "How long has it been that way?" The man responds, "Almost three days." The woman says, "I will have to consult with my sister, and I'll be right back. She leaves and returns in a few minutes. The man asks, "What did you decide?" She says, "The best we can do right now is $5,000 and a half interest in the drug store."

[Hkizzle]

Superman is flying over NY.
Suddenty he notices Wonderwoman, naked on the beach, with spread legs.
He thinks "wow this is my occasion, i will be so fast that she will not even understand what's going on"
Then Superman, like a plane, falls directly on her, he makes sex in 2 seconds, and flies away.

Wonderwoman says: "what's going on?"
The invisible man says: I don't know, but i have a huge pain in the behind...."

[Hkizzle]

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island. After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she' s doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they' re doing, they bury her.

After another week, they' re so ashamed of what they' re doing, they dig her up again.

[Hkizzle]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
" Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, " Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird' s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, " New house, new madam."


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought " that' s really not so bad."


When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, " New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were
a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman' s husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, " Hi, Keith" .

[Sean]

Nice jokes HKizzle :)

[Havell]

EDIT in future, try not to fill my thread full of triple posts please.

[Sebatianos]

Little Jimmy (14 year old pupil) comes to see miss Ana (28 year old teacher - really hot).

A:"What do you want Jimmy?"
J:"Would you take off your shirt for 50€?"
Ana thinks about this, but because it's hot and she really doesn't want to waste the great push up (would like at least somebody to see it) she decieds to take the money.
J:"And would you take the skirt off for 150€?"
She thinks to her self - it may not be the most moral thing - but she knows she's well built and it flaters her that this boy would like to see her... so she does it.
J:"And would you let me play with your pu**y until you cum for 300€?"
She blushes a bit, but what the hell - she'll get payed by a boy who wants to give her an orgasm... So she takes the ofer.
After she enjoys herself Jimmy asks -
J:"And would you now give me a blow job for 800€?"
Well now she is really shoked, bu tdoesn't dare to turn him down. She's gone too far - and besides - when she thinks of all the money the boy will give her (for everything) that would be her monthly wage - so she blows him.
The boy gives her 1300€ and leaves.
Next the headmaster comes in.
H:"Did Jimmy bring you your payment for this month?"

[cheesegrater]

Here for some of my favorites. I knew a few other ones but I forgot them.

How do you keep a baby from falling into a manhole?
Throw a javelin at its head.

Why couldn't the baby turn the corner?
Because it had a javelin through its head.

How do you keep a baby from walking in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

[BeefontheBone]

What's small and red and getting smaller by the minute?

A baby with a razor blade.

[Havell]

What's pink and squeals?

A peeled baby

What's worse than a huge pile of dead babies?

A live one in the middle eating it's way out.


There were a loads of those eariler on in the thread.

[Sebatianos]

"Mom, how big is the Atlantic?"
"Shut up and swim."

"Mom, I don't like spagetti."
"Shut up or I'll pull the vains out of your other arm too."

"Mom, why is it so hot in here?"
"I told you to keep the apple in your mouth!"

Stupid jokes I know, but...


BTW:
What's round, green, small and has three corners?
A big blue square!

[Marek]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 15 2005, 11:06 AM
What's round, green, small and has three corners?
A big blue square!
???

[a1s]

Originally posted by Marek+Apr 15 2005, 11:19 AM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Marek @ Apr 15 2005, 11:19 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Sebatianos@Apr 15 2005, 11:06 AM
What's round, green, small and has three corners?
A big blue square!
??? [/b][/quote]
it's only funny if you don't think to hard about it!

Q:what does the goverment and Microsoft have in common?
A: they both promise to correct their errors in the next version.
Q: and what is the difference?
A: Microsoft does eventualy correct them.

[Danny252]

LOL good joke there a1s!

[RedJello]

What does an elephant and a strawberry have in common?
They're both red except for the elephant


LOL :ok: :bleh: :cheers: :Brain:

[a1s]

I'm not sure this was not published yet (I only had strenght to read to about page 20 at first, and then just read the new stuff)
I will be posting a series of logical problems here's one:


how do you put an elephant in the freezer?

I will return in an hour with the answer and a new problem.

[Havell]

1. Open door
2. Put elephant in.

The entire series has been posted in this thread before.

[RedJello]

Originally posted by a1s@Apr 15 2005, 04:26 PM
I'm not sure this was not published yet (I only had strenght to read to about page 20 at first, and then just read the new stuff)
I will be posting a series of logical problems here's one:


how do you put an elephant in the freezer?

I will return in an hour with the answer and a new problem.
Am i supposed to answer? or was that the joke?

Anyways..the answer is

1. Open the Freezer
2. Put the elephant inside
3. Close the freezer

[Sebatianos]

Oh that's so cruel... Dont freeze the elephant. Isn't the rhino you have enough?

[a1s]

right! (was it posted earlier? tell me!!!!)

how do you put a girafe in the freezer?

P.S. if it wasn't posted, but you know this one please let the others try it. And yes I want people to answer it.

[RedJello]

OPen
Take Elephant out
Giraffe in
Close

[Sebatianos]

EDIT: As R Havell said - all of these were posted already...
I know it's not easy to read through such a long thread - but trust me it's worth it - so many great jokes at one place!!!
(I included this message in here, so I would not double post).

It's not exactly a joke... but I think it's funny!

Tom getting HIGH...

[a1s]

the fact that meeting a black cat is bad luck has now been scientificaly proven through a series of tests on white mice

the english speaking among you have probably herd this one in kindergarten, but I heard it recently and found it quite funny:
a gangster comes into a bank, points a gun at the teller and says:
-hand over the money or you're geography!
-you probably menat "history"?
-don't change the subject!

[a1s]

A tourist, who just arrived to Israel, gets a taxi at the airport, and strts asking the driver:
- Is it true that the local climate is really good for your health?
- oh, yes! when I first arrived here, I didn't have a single hair, and didn't even have enough strenght to walk- people had to cary me around.
- Amazing! how long have you been here?
- I was born here.

P.S. after 5 days, in the jokes thread? NO it's NOT a double post :D

[Unknown Hero]

Ooh, yes it is!!! :D


Anagrams are words or phrases made by transposing or rearranging letter of other words or phrases. This is a list of some pretty dam good ones, obviously there are people out there with way too much time on their hands.

Lets have a look at them...



"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It

"The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots

"Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em

"Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler

"Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class

"Semolina" - Is No Meal

"The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet

"A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place

"The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake

"Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one

"Contradiction" - Accord not in it

Here are some big daddies ones...

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Anagram: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"

"President Clinton of the USA" Anagram: "To copulate he finds interns."

[Hkizzle]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the
Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above
referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal
landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized
activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across
the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the
start of this type of activity. A review of the Department' s files
shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has
determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes
and Streams, of the
Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, 451 of the Public
Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are
inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore
orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to
restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and
brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work
shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your
full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

---------

This is the actual response he sent back:

Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond
to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget,
Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State
unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood
" debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I
think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use
of natures building materials " debris." I would like to challenge your
department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any
place you choose.

I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match
their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity,
their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work
ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom
of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act
451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113
of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren' t the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation,
so the State wil have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department' s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event
causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the
Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the
stream ' restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the
Beavers. But if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not
pay any attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their
unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and
water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live
and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection
lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources
(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the
beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more
elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be
no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If
you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The
bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office.

Ryan DeVries

[Danny252]

LMAO
American governmentarial system ^_^

[Danny252]

If a king is a man, kings are rulers and rulers are 30 cm high, are you sure he's still a man?

[Sebatianos]

Maybe those 30cm aren't hight... :whistle:

[Danny252]

o..k...
we all wanted that fact, seb, for sure.

[Sebatianos]

OK - back to jokes...

What do you get if you cross a dislectic with an insomniac?
A person who stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog...

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero@Apr 24 2005, 11:26 PM
"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It

"The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots

"Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em

"Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler

"Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class

"Semolina" - Is No Meal

"The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet

"A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place

"The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake

"Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one

"Contradiction" - Accord not in it
You forgot:

"Jeremy Irons" - Jeremy's Iron

LOL Classic.



Anyway



I was just playing Call of Duty and came across this poor fellow.

[Danny252]

LOL the game has some problems like that, every so often..

[Tulac]

The guy literally put his head into the sand... LOL

[Danny252]

St Mere Eglise in the morning after then tanks came, I assume?

[Sebatianos]

I guess that guy's moto is: I love the smell of fresh roots in the morning!

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Danny252@Apr 27 2005, 04:11 AM
St Mere Eglise in the morning after then tanks came, I assume?
LOL

Yeah, one thing I've noticed about the hardest setting is that there are no health pickups, makes it a bit difficult.

[Hkizzle]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, " Dark in here."

The man says, " Yes it is."

Boy - " I have a baseball."

Man - " That' s nice."

Boy - " Want to buy it?"

Man - " No, thanks."

Boy - " My dad' s outside."

Man - " OK, how much?"

Boy - " $250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom' s lover are in the closet together.

Boy - " Dark in here."

Man - " Yes, it is."

Boy - " I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, " How much?"

Boy - " $750."

Man - " Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, " Grab your glove. Let' s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, " I can' t. I sold them."

The father asks, " How much did you sell them for?"

The son says " $1,000."

The father says, " That' s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I' m going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, " Dark in here."

The priest says, " Don' t start that sh*t again."

[Marek]

I just got this via email and I thought I would share it...

Good ol' George

[Sebatianos]

A quote of some guy at the lemon64 forum...

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who read binary and those who don't.

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 28 2005, 12:51 PM
A quote of some guy at the lemon64 forum...

There are only 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those who read binary and those who don't.
hahahaha!

[BeefontheBone]

funny, but isn't 10 in binary the number 1?

[Havell]

Binary:

1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, 1000, etc

10 is binary for 2.

[Doubler]

That makes 11 kinds of people:
Those who know binary, those who do not and those who have a basic idea about it, but get it wrong :sneaky: .

[BeefontheBone]

Fair enough - I was working on the system where the first place is worth 1, the second 2, then 4, 8, 16 and so on, and assuming that the remaining zeroes were omitted (since in theory there'd be an infinite number of them). What stands for 0 and 1 then?

[Havell]

0 = 0
1 = 1

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by R Havell@Apr 28 2005, 11:27 PM
0 = 0
1 = 1
That's so profound! :kosta:

[Doubler]

0 = 0
1 = 1

LOL
That must be one of the most complex posts in Abandonia's history!

[TheVoid]

THIS is the most complex post in Abandonia history:

Originally posted by Iron Scarecrow
oh.

[drumminfreek]

I already knew the binary joke...really cool though!! :ok:


Heres one:

I can picture in my mind a world without war and hate...
i can also picture us attacking that world cuz they'd never expect it!! :guns:
LOL

[Sebatianos]

Time for a real joke now:

A doctor is doing his rounds at the hospital and comes accros a patient who had a borken jaw-bone.
The patiene calls the doctor to the bed: "Would you like my nuts?"
The doctor looks at him really confused and asks: "What do you mean?"
"Well I have a lot of nuts, that I can't eat. Would you like to eat them?" and give the doctor a bag full of nuts.
The doctor starts eating them, but then asks the patient: "Why did your relatives give you nuts then. Don't they know you can't bite and chew?"
"Oh they didn't. They just brought me a whole-nut chocolate."

:sick:

[ReamusLQ]

So did you hear the Tampabay Buckaneers are going to combine w/ the Greenbay Packers? They're going to call themselves Tampax. The only problem is, they only have one string and they're only good for one period...

[drumminfreek]

LOL LOL LOL
that was funny...but heres another...

So theres this guy and hes at a bar and hes drunk (duh?)
so he spins around on his barstool and says to the bartender
"Ok, Bob, i think its time for me to go home." and Bob the bartender says "NO! WAIT! HANG ON!" and he gets cut off and the guy says "No, Bob, dont worry about me i can make it home" so he jumps off his barstool and lands flat on his face. so thinking a little fresh air will help him out he crawls to the door. pulls himself up on the doorknob opens the door and falls flat on his face. so (coincidentally) he lives across the street from the bar. so he crawls over to his house and pulls himself inside then crawls up the steps into bed.
the next morning his wife comes to him and says "you were out drinking last night werent you?" he says "Howd you know?" she says " Bob called, you left your wheelchair at the bar!" :eeeeeh:
:Brain:

[irrelevantjet]

Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike?

A: Someone threw a fridge at him

[a1s]

The queen visits a military hospital.
She sees an englishman lying on his belly, and asks him:
- what is up with you?
- Hemmoroids, Your magesty!
- oh? and what are they treating you with?
- a cloth soaked in alcohol.
- Ok. any wishes?
- I wish to get well, and serve your magesty!
- Commendabe!
she puts a medal on his back, and goes on.
- And what is up with you?
- obstruction, Your magesty!
- oh? And what are they traeting you with?
- a cloth soaked in alchohol.
- Ok. any wishes?
- I wish to get well, and serve your magesty!
- Commendabe
so she gives him a medal too, next shee sees an Irishman sitting on his bunk.
- and what is up with you?
- (hoarsely)loringitis...
- oh? And what are they treating you with?
- a cloth soaked in alchohol.
- Ok. any wishes?
- I wish I would be treated before those two bollicks!!!

[drumminfreek]

LOL

heres one

Q- How do u get a one-armed kid out of a tree?

A- Wave!

[troop18546]

Originally posted by drumminfreek@May 1 2005, 07:38 PM
LOL

heres one

Q- How do u get a one-armed kid out of a tree?

A- Wave!
Pure genius!!!!! LOL :roflol: :[img]http://www.abandonia.com/forum/html/emoticons/laugh.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='laugh.gif' /> :roflol: :[img]http://www.abandonia.com/forum/html/emoticons/laugh.gif' border='0' style='vertical-align:middle' alt='laugh.gif' />

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by R Havell@Apr 28 2005, 10:32 PM
Binary:

1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, 1000, etc

10 is binary for 2.
This depends of how you write binary. I will agree with Beef that 10000000000 is equal to 1.

01 is 2. Why? Because in number 01, 0 stands for 2 with exponent 0, and 1 stands for 2 with exponent 1, etc.

[drumminfreek]

:blink: i used to know binary...Unkown Hero confused me though... :blink:

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero+May 1 2005, 09:15 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Unknown Hero @ May 1 2005, 09:15 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-R Havell@Apr 28 2005, 10:32 PM
Binary:

1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, 1000, etc

10 is binary for 2.
This depends of how you write binary. I will agree with Beef that 10000000000 is equal to 1.

01 is 2. Why? Because in number 01, 0 stands for 2 with exponent 0, and 1 stands for 2 with exponent 1, etc. [/b][/quote]
Sorry, but that's just wrong!

What you think is something completely different

[a1s]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero+May 1 2005, 07:15 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Unknown Hero @ May 1 2005, 07:15 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-R Havell@Apr 28 2005, 10:32 PM
Binary:

1, 10, 11, 100, 101, 110, 111, 1000, etc

10 is binary for 2.
This depends of how you write binary. I will agree with Beef that 10000000000 is equal to 1.

01 is 2. Why? Because in number 01, 0 stands for 2 with exponent 0, and 1 stands for 2 with exponent 1, etc. [/b][/quote]
yes but the most of us usualy right numbers left to right from bigest to smallest, if some of us did it one way and the others did it another way it would result in chaos!

EDIT: seb, what does 8 have to do with it? :blink:

[Sebatianos]

EDIT: 8? Well I think people are confising the binary system with the exponents. Because in binary code you only have two symbols (0, 1) everything that is translated into binary has to be 2 to the power of something (in this case 2*2*2 = 8). I'm basically guessing that Hero confused the two...
NOW BACK TO JOKES!!!

Lee and Isac were sitting next to each other on the subway and Isac starts speaking.
Isac: "I really hate you Chinesee for attacking Pear Harbor and involving the US in WW2."
Lee: "Those were the Japanesee!!! Get your facts strait..."
Isac: "Whatever... Japanesee, Chinesee, Korean... You're all the same to me..."
Lee is furious.
Lee: "And I hate Jews for sinking the Titanic!"
Isac: "Are you crazy? That was an iceberg!"
Lee: "Iceberg, Spielberg, Goldberg,... that's all the same to me!"

[Kon-Tiki]

Another joke...
Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

[Sharp]

Binary is easy, lets start of nice n easy, most binary for people who dont understand it will be in bytes. A byte has 8 bits, a bit is short for binary digit.

0000 0001 would be 1.
0000 0010 would be 2.

In binary it goes like this *crosses finger for the diagram to work*

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1 - These are the numbers each number 1 represents on where it is located.

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--0---0---0- 0-0--0-0-0

That is equivalent to 0.

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--0---0---0- 0-0--0-0-1

Is 1.

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--0---0---0- 0-0--0-1-0

Is 2.

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--1---0---0- 0-0--0-0-0

Is 128

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--0---0---0- 0-0--1-1-0

Is 6

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--1---1---1- 1-1--1-1-1

Is 255

Seeing a pattern yet?


Now onto the jokes.

---------------------------------

What do you call a smart blonde?

A labrador.

---------------------------------------

A blonde in an office messes up her computer and calls the IT dude over, the IT dude presses a few buttons and says the computers fixed.

The blonde asks what the error was,

The IT dude says it was an 'ID ten T' error

The blonde doesnt know what that means, the dude tells her to write it down.

ID10T

---------------------------------------

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are walking on an Irish Coast when a Leprechaun appears.

"If you tell me one true thing then I will grant you a wish, if you lie I will make you dissapear forever." Says the leprechaun.

The Redhead goes, "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the world" - POOF

The Brunnete goes, "I think I am the most sexy woman in the world" - POOF

The Blonde goes, "I think - POOF

[troop18546]

You really have time to spare, don't you? :eeeeeh: