Jokes

[Sebatianos]

Three sharks get together in the middle of the ocean.
Shark 1: "Not so loud. I swam near the Irish coast last night and ate an Irishman. He was so ful of Wiskey I have a hangover now!"
Shark 2: "That's nothing, I swan near the Russian coast last week and ate a Russian. He was so loaded with Vodka I had a hangover the whole weekend."
Shark 3: "That's nothing guys. I swam near the US coast and ate a blonde. Her head was so eampty I still can't submerge!"

[troop18546]

LOL

[drumminfreek]

LOL
oks...i gots a blonde joke... :D

so a blonde is applying to become a detective. The first day she is applying her boss says..." ok, if your'e gonna be a detective answer me 3 questions. The first...
What is 2+2..." the blonde says "thats easy...4" the boss says "very good, now who was the first president?" the blonde thinks for a minute and says..." umm, i think its George Washington..." "Very good," says her boss, "but my last question is who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The blonde thinks and says..."umm i dont know...lemme come in tommorrow and tell you." so she leaves.
when she gets home her husband says "So how'd it go?" she says "well...i must've gotten the job because he already put me on a murder case!"
:Brain: LOL :Brain: LOL

[Unknown Hero]

Binary is easy, lets start of nice n easy, most binary for people who dont understand it will be in bytes. A byte has 8 bits, a bit is short for binary digit.

0000 0001 would be 1.
0000 0010 would be 2.

In binary it goes like this *crosses finger for the diagram to work*

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1 - These are the numbers each number 1 represents on where it is located.

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--0---0---0- 0-0--0-0-0

That is equivalent to 0.

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--0---0---0- 0-0--0-0-1

Is 1.

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--0---0---0- 0-0--0-1-0

Is 2.

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--1---0---0- 0-0--0-0-0

Is 128

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--0---0---0- 0-0--1-1-0

Is 6

128 64 32 16 8 4 2 1
--1---1---1- 1-1--1-1-1

Is 255

Seeing a pattern yet?
This is what I was talking about (just reverse)!!!



CIA was looking for new detective. 2 men and a woman applied. Every one of the three passed every test but last one. They were told that they have to kill a person they meet in the room. First entered one of the two men, and sew his wife! He couldn't kill her. Second man did the same. After a woman came out, she said that the bullets in the pistol they gave her were fake, so that she had to finish of her husband with the chair.

[drumminfreek]

A blonde and her friend are driving down to florida.
they really wanna go to Disney World. They're about 10miles from disney world when she sees a sign that says "Disney World, Left"
the blonde turns the car around and her friend asks why.
the blonde says "didn't you see the sign! Disney World left!"
LOL

[Tulac]

I don't know if it's been already posted, but this is a must have for all the Croatians,Slovenes,Serbians and others who feel that way...
Kita u Bila (Kill Bill) - 60 MB
http://geekchix.org/fun/kitaubila.avi

Bobo (Lord of the rings) - 42 MB
http://odin.vault.org.yu/film/voiceover/bobo.avi

Sttevan (Harry Potter) - 22 MB
http://odin.vault.org.yu/film/voiceover/sttevan.avi


I know they may be old, but I discovered Sttevan Potter just recently...

[xcom freak]

Hope noone will get offended....

A science experiment was meant to test the differences between european cultures.... It implied putting 3 people of the same nationality : 2 men and a woman on deserted islands and study what happens.
They tested Italians, French, germans,british and greeks.

The french threesome lived in total harmony doing 'menages a trois' everyday
The germans organised, one guy got mwf (monday wednesday friday) and the other got TTh alone time with the woman
An italian guy misteriously disappeared two days after the start of the expirement
The greek woman was so ugly that the guys turned gay and the woman died of loneliness

The british .....well the british haven't met yet....

[drumminfreek]

:blink: :blink:
maybe its cuz im not european...but i dont get it...

[A. J. Raffles]

I suppose it's referring to the fact that the English are said to be generally lacking in social skills...

So did the German woman get time off on weekends, then? :D

[xcom freak]

Originally posted by A. J. Raffles@May 8 2005, 12:00 PM
I suppose it's referring to the fact that the English are said to be generally lacking in social skills...

So did the German woman get time off on weekends, then? :D
Haven't thought about it, well its my joke then i get to chose for weekends :evil: ill get back to you on that.

The joke is quite simple, not the best i ve ever heard but its more of a criticism and A.J got it right.

[drumminfreek]

i figured it was criticising sum1...but still didnt get it :bleh:

[BeefontheBone]

I understood it, but I didn't find it remotely funny, just a bit offensive. But then I am British, and as such clearly have no sense of humour...

[troop18546]

From a film (TCM).

Two armyguys are talking about stuff. One says:

- Well, I met this girl see, and I said to her: "Baby, this has got to be love at first sight, cause I only got a 10 hour pass.

[Sebatianos]

OK - a DON'T READ THIS ONE):

Daddy was asking his 5 year old daughter...
Daddy: What would you get, if you jerked off a hores?
Girl: Horse sperm!
Daddy: And what would you get, if you jerked off your uncle=
Gril: Human sperm... and a candy bar!

[Rogue]

Father rabbit was teaching his son rabbit how to do the thing fast, actually very fast.

He ordered three girls to turn their backs to them, so he showed him off:

1, 2, 3 and DONE!

Now it was son's turn, so here he goes:

1, 2, 3, 4, ooops, sorry daddy!

[ReamusLQ]

Girl 1 - Are you religious?

Girl 2 - Umm...uh, well, I guess I'm a uh...non-practicing Jew

Girl 1 - Really? I'm a non-practicing Virgin!

[Stroggy]

I already posted this one over at abandonia reloaded, but what the heck:

Two friends are talking to eachother.
One of them says "you don't look so great"
the other one says "what do you mean?"
Friend #1 replies: "well it looks like there is something wrong with your blood"
Friend #2 says: "nonsense! there is nothing wrong with my blood"
to which the first friend replies: "sure there is!"
Friend #2 gets annoyed and says "you want to bet?"

They both bet on it for $100 and the second friend goes to the doctor while the other one stays outside and waits... and waits... and waits...
After 7 hours Friend #2 comes out smiling and says: "haha! I win! It's stomach-cancer!"

[drumminfreek]

this joke is funny because it has a realistic ending...so dont hurt me if its to stupid of a joke! :tomato:

ok...a duck walks into a bar

the police are called, they secure the area, remove the duck, and put it by a secure lake.
*everyones look out there* :eeeeeh: :eeeeeh: :eeeeeh:

[xcom freak]

Two spermatozoides were talking :

-''How long till we get to the fallops?''
-''I don't know we just passed the tonsils''.

[drumminfreek]

ok so theres two muffins...
they're in the oven
the first one says to the other "It sure is hot in here isnt it?"
the second one says...
"AAAGH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!" LOL

[Sebatianos]

Which is the most transvestite city in the world?

Edinburgh!


(In case you don't get it: Edinburgh is correctly pronounced as: Edd-in-bra).

[ReamusLQ]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[Sebatianos]

LOL an oldie, but a goody!

[BeefontheBone]

I don't think many people pronounce it "edd-in-bra" bud - more "edd in bruh"

[Sebatianos]

Oooooooops - I ment to post that joke in: "the worst joke thread"... :wall:

[drumminfreek]

i have a stupid cop joke...lets see if i can get it right.

A cop pulls over a car.
the guy in the car says "is there a problem officer?"
the cop says "No, but for such great driving techniques im gonna give you $500"
the guy in the drivers seat says "oh, so you didnt see me speeding?thats good"
the cop gives a puzzled look.
the guy in the passanger seat says "Yeah, and im not surprised you cant smell all that alcohol on his breath"
then the guy in the backseat says "Yeah and you dropped your weed back here" and he holds up a bag of drugs
And the officer now has a look like this on >> :eeeeeh:
then they here pounding from the trunk.
the officer says "umm, whats all that pounding?"
the guy driving says "oh, don't worry thats just jimmy"
the cop says "THATS IT! YOURE ALL UNDER ARREST!"
they get outta the car and the guy that was driving says to the guy that was in the passenger seat "JEEZ! hes really mad! imagine how mad he wouldve been if we woulda told him we stole thet car!"
LOL


:Brain: :D :Brain: :D
:happybday: to me!

[Flop]

Here goes:

USA, England and Russia conducts a big military excersice. One night during the excersice a soldier from each nation gets lost, and the 3 of them meets up around a campfire. As they're eating they start talking about how they're treated in their respective armies. "In the Russian army we get 600 calories a day" says the Russian. "Well, that's nothing. In the British army we get 800 a day". "That's very nice, but in the US army we get 1000 calories a day" says the American. The Russian soldier is getting pretty annoyed by now, and says "That's Impossible! No man can eat that much cabbage!". :D

[Wildcatsa]

This is long but ohhhhhh so true. I know cause I work in this bus.!

EXCERPT from "A Hotel is a Funny Place ..."

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-size Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and in the
shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you. S. Berman



Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid she will be back tomorrow (Thurs) from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you
requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on
top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This
leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the
management is to leave 3 soaps daily I hope this is satisfactory. If
anything else comes up please call Mrs. Corum in the linen room.

Kathy (relief maid)



Dear Maid (I hope you are my regular maid),

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you
had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camaus which are now on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please
remove them.

S. Berman



Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed so the relief maid left 3 soaps which we are
instructed by the management. I took the six soaps which were in your
way in the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I
put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't
remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the
medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to
when you checked in last Monday. Also I did place 3 hotel soaps on your
shelf as per my instructions from the management since you left no
instructions to the contrary. Please let me know if I can be of further
assistance or call the linen room her name is Mrs. Korm.

Have a pleasant stay.

Your regular maid, Dotty



Dear Mr. Berman

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this a.m. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept
my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper



Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 a.m. and don't get back before 5:30 or 6 p.m. That's
the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. I did not want a new maid. The new maid you assigned me
must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3
bars of soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3
bars on the bathroom shelf. In just five days here I have accumulated 24
little bars of soap. I'm beginning to dread the next 9 days. Why are you
doing this to me?

S. Berman



Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen, House keeper



Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me a bar of soap so I could take a shower. He
brought me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman



Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our Housekeeper, Elaine Karmin, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there were no soaps in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 soaps each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for
the inconvenience. If you prefer Cashmere Bouquet to Camay, please
contact Mrs. Karmin on extension 1108.

Thank you.

Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager



Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bar of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 58 bars of
soap in here? Al I want is my bath-size Dial. Give me back my bath-size
Dial.

S. Berman



Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them; the 24 Camays which had been taken plus the 3
daily Camays. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid Kathy did not know I had returned your soaps so she
also brought 24 Camays plus the three daily Camays. I don't know where
you got the idea that this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to
locate some hotel-size bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. We are
doing our best here to satisfy you.

Elaine Carmen, Houskeeper



Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a brief note to bring you up to date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:

On shelf under medicine cabinet: 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
of 2.

On Kleenex dispenser: 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On bedroom dresser: 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size bath-size Ivory, 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Inside medicine cabinet: 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In Shower soap dish: 6 Camay (very moist).

On northeast corner of tub: 1 Cashmere Bouquet (slightly used).

On northwest corner of tub: 6 Camay in 2 stacks of 3.

Please Ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item. I have purchased another bar of bath-size
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid future
misunderstandings.

S. Berman :D

[Danny252]

and that is funny... how, exactly?

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by Danny252@May 20 2005, 01:41 PM
and that is funny... how, exactly?
I find it not so HAHA Funny, but just really damn amusing :bleh:

[Havell]

Originally posted by Danny252@May 20 2005, 09:41 PM
and that is funny... how, exactly?
It's quite amusing, just an example of how bureaucracy "works".

[Danny252]

how do you get/what the hell is/what do you use a bath dial (for)?
and why does he get random sopa appearing?
and why does he want soap one day and the next not?

[a1s]

1) probaly just a big chunk of soap.
2)there's a thing called 'room service' in hotels, part of it is free soap.
3a)he already had soap, but it got lost (in the process of removing hotel soap), so he decided that bad soap's better than no soap and took what they offered.
3b)as to why he originaly wanted the soap removed... no idea. they will never give him money back fro the soap he didn't get, so he was probably jsut a hotelosoapophobiac (hated hotel soap). :D

[BeefontheBone]

As he wrote, he didn't need it, and the large collection of those tiny soaps was getting in his way, so he asked them to remove them.

[Airwolf]

Torpedo Ahead

During World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. The captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing.

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my penis against the table?"

The crew burst out laughing. So, the navigator pulled his penis out and whammed it on the table. Just when his penis hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator.

As they floated around in a lifeboat, the captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator then told him the story.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that penis of yours. The torpedo missed!" :roflol:

[Sebatianos]

I know this would seem like American bashing but what the heck (it's a good joke I think).

Recently there were many e-mails requesting me to sign a petition - to ask president Bush to fight poverty.

Well...

[Doc Adrian]

LOL run! :) I love it Sebatianos

[Airwolf]

Thoughts for the morning No.1


Fill up on cynicism before you get too enthusiastic about life today!

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

[Airwolf]

More thoughts to start the morning


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[Airwolf]

It hurts all over..

The silver haired lady confronted her doctor with a complaint of pains all over her body.

"Be more precise," he said. "So I can help you, try pointing to some of the places that hurt.

The silver-haired doll put her finger on her arm and said, "Ouch!" then her finger to her hip and said, "Ouch!" and then to her rib cage and said, "Ouch!" again.

The doctor stopped her and asked, "Were you a blonde before your hair grayed"?

"Why yes!" she said excitedly, "But how did you know?"

The Doc answered, "Your finger's broken."

[Airwolf]

New Computer Viruses

LEWINSKY VIRUS --Sucks all the memory out of your computer...then e-mails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS --Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS --Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS --Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS --Deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS --Disks can no longer be inserted.

DISNEY VIRUS --Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS --Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS --Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS --Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAAAAK.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS --Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

VIAGRA VIRUS --Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

CLINTON VIRUS --Gives you a 6 inch hard drive with NO memory.

[Airwolf]

Drinking for His Brothers

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot.

When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place.

When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other.

On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home.

This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise that he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other.

One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said "I am awfully sorry about your brother."

The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said "What happened to him?" The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened.

The brother then said "No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol."

[A. J. Raffles]

Yet Another Thought to Start the Morning
Posts can be edited.

[Microprose Veteran]

Originally posted by eric10051981@Jun 30 2004, 09:09 AM
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
Brilliant! :D

[Mahar Vairo]

Phew! I thought I'd never finish reading all does jokes.

@Veteran -"Manny is that you"

[Mahar Vairo]

I like most of those jokes.

I find this quite funny, what do you think

[Mahar Vairo]

You know what else is funny, phrases like:

It's a piece of cake(it rarely is)

Don't worry, it's all under control(what do think?)

(and the all time classic)

It could be worst.(never ever say this, especially if you have a really bad day).

LOL

[win98]

hahahahahahahaha that is funny man

[win98]

o boy all those jokes are good this tread has been going on for almost a year

[troop18546]

It was closed one time I think, but who cares - it's back!
I liked that last joke from Asterix and Obelix.
Made me laugh. LOL

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Mahar Vairo@Jun 11 2005, 09:09 PM
I like most of those jokes.

I find this quite funny, what do you think
I love Asterix commics (I'm only missing one to have the entire 32 books set). But they are either in German (most of them), Serbian (a few) or Slovene (two of them). I can show you some though (the short stories were great)!

EDIT: Sorry for the poor quality - otherwise the file size would be to big!
Here's the text again.

The Roman army sized control over the entire know world.
But that wasn't enough for Caesar.
Julious Caesar (pointing to the Atlancit Ocean on a map): Are you sure there's no more land here somewhere?

[win98]

COOL MAN! I LOVE COMICS!

[Mahar Vairo]

Sorry for the poor quality - otherwise the file size would be to big!
Here's the text again.

I did cut out the portion of pic with photodraw and then by enhancements I use sharpen and blur options to make it clear. Try it.

P.S. if you don't understand what I said, just ask I'll try to be more clear.

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Mahar Vairo@Jun 11 2005, 11:41 PM
I did cut out the portion of pic with photodraw and then by enhancements I use sharpen and blur options to make it clear. Try it.
Thanks for the tip, but I had to translate the text first (I have it originally in German) - after that I resized it - and most of the quality was lost).

But back to jokes now:



A guy comes to the doctor's office with a knife in his back.
Doctor: "Sorry, can't help you. I close at 5 o'clock."
Woonded guy: "But you must do something!"
Doctor pulls the knife out of guy's back and stabs him in the eye: "Go see the optician, he doesn't close before 7."

[win98]

good one
a kid was walking down the street and he sees an ice cream truck and says one vannilla single scoupe please so the icecream truck man grabs him in a scoop and says one vinllia single scoop coming upand he scopes yup a single scoop of ice cream in a scoop as big as a bike and tooses the boy and the ice-cream into the cone and says that will be $40.00 sir

[Playbahnosh]

This one will be a powerful one :evil:

What's the difference beetween morbid humour and black humour?

Morbid: five corpse in one trashcan
Back: One corpse in five trashcan

(the original was with babies though, but thats just too strong)

[win98]

hmm interesting palybahnosh

[Sebatianos]

Want one with babies?

How do you insert a baby in a meat grinder?
Feet first - so you can laugh at the faces it makes! :twisted:

[Playbahnosh]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Jun 11 2005, 11:49 PM
Want one with babies?

How do you insert a baby in a meat grinder?
Feet first - so you can laugh at the faces it makes! :twisted:
Now that's nasty :evil: !

Why dont the little girl cry, who just crached with her cycle?
Becouse the steering wheel struck trough her chest :twisted:

[Sebatianos]

Why is the inside of the microwave scratched?
- You forgot to clip your baby's fingernail again!

OK - that's getting :sick: already (but still :evil: :twisted: and LOL ).

[Tulac]

Kid: Mommy mommy grandpa is boring...
Mom: Then put his bones in the closet...

[a1s]

I apologise in advance to all the scottish people here.


In the old times when Invaders took cities it was customary to Kill the men, and rape the wemen. Wich is exactly why the proud but life-loving folk od scotland had decided to wear skirts.

[Indignus IV]

You guys better be careful or you'll get banned for violent behavior! Just joking. Thats pretty gross, though. I unfortunately don't have any jokes at all. I've never been a very "humorous" person. :D

a1s=hahahahhahahaha! LOL

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by a1s@Jun 12 2005, 01:06 AM

In the old times when Invaders took cities it was customary to Kill the men, and rape the wemen. Wich is exactly why the proud but life-loving folk od scotland had decided to wear skirts.
That's not what I heard.

Why do Scotts wear kilts?
Sheep can hear a zipper from miles away!

[Indignus IV]

<groan> :D

[Evad]

you guys are bunch of sick twisted mother f**kers...he...hee hee.hee...baaaahaaaaaaw

[win98]

Evad your right these guys are crazy
who votes to close this topic

[Mahar Vairo]

If you want a clean joke here's one.

splash... splash..
rinse... rinse...

now just wait for it to dry.

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by win98@Jun 12 2005, 01:34 AM
...
who votes to close this topic
That's the funniest joke I heard in a long time!

:roflol: :roflol: :roflol:

[win98]

LOL yeah thats a clean jake man hahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha

[Mahar Vairo]

What kind of thread will leave you in stitches?


















A doctors thread.

[drumminfreek]

alright...CLEAN JOKE
i took a bath with bubbles...

DIRTY JOKE
Bubbles is the girl next door! :D

That was pretty stupid... :ph34r:

I vote we dont close this topic!! :angry: :angry:

[TheChosen]

TV reporter was interviewing 4-year old kid in the streets.

Reporter:What is your name?
Kid:........
Reporter:Well....how old are you?
Kid:.........
Reporter:What do you think about the politics?
Kid:........
Reporter:Why arent you answering my questions?
Kid:My mommy told me not to talk with strangers. LOL

[troop18546]

Originally posted by Evad@Jun 12 2005, 01:29 AM
you guys are bunch of sick twisted mother f**kers...he...hee hee.hee...baaaahaaaaaaw
Man, thats a good one... :roflol: hahaha...waha??? :eeeeeh:
:D LOL :D

[Sebatianos]

It might have been sia before...

Two preschool girls are talking.
A: I found a condome under the radiator this morning.
B: :eeeeeh: What's a radiator?

[Doc Adrian]

LOL ..so true

[Mahar Vairo]

ahhh... I just remembered some ryhmes from school:

Mary had a little lamb,
she kept it in the closet.
And every time she let it out,
it left a little deposit.

-----------------------------------------

Little Miss Muffet
remains on her Tuffet,
and hasn't being frightened away.
The Spider down-hearted
and dizzy departed,
repelled by her presurrized spray.

-------------------------------------------

(forgive any spelling errors in this one)
Hickory dickory dork
two mice ran up the clock
the clock struck one
and the other one got away

--------------------------------------------

(My personal favorite)
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
eating a christmas pie,
he stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum
and squirted the juice in his eye

------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------

Hope you like them. :bye: :D

P.S. And they are completely clean. :angel:

[Sebatianos]

Too clean...

Why was Cinderella thrown out of the fairy land?
She sat on Pinocchio's face and forced him to tell lies! :omg:

[Mahar Vairo]

...sigh... I prefer clean jokes.

Anyway sticking with ryhmes:

There once was a woman of bright
who could travel much faster then light.
She left one day,
in a relative way,
and returned the previous night

[Sebatianos]

Clean ones... OK:

What's the difference between an optimistic and a pesimistic child?

You can put a pesimistic child in a bright and colorful room full of wonderfull toys, with the child's favourite cookies on the reach of the hand - but the child will start :cry:
"Why," you ask the child.
"Because it's all a trick. When I touch something it will brake and you'll take it all away from me - so you're just torturing me by showing me stuff I'll never be able to have."

Then you put an optimistic child in a damp, cold, dark, scary dungeon with nothing but a pile of horse muck in the middle and the child will go :w00t:
"Why," you ask the child.
"With so much horse muck there's gotta be a horsy near by for me to have!"

[Indignus IV]

Okay, this isn't that good but....

Why does Bill Clinton wear boxer shorts?
To keep his ankles warm.

P.S. my 300th post :D

[Fox]

:omg: This is how i probably look after going through 56 pages of jokes.

Here's a favorite cartoon of mine

[PrejudiceSucks]

I have the cleanest yet most hilarious joke you could ever imagine :

A(n) (insert noun here) walks into a bar!
Ouch it was an iron bar!

And yes, Asterix and Obelix is pretty good.

[win98]

ha very funny

[Stroggy]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Jun 12 2005, 04:39 PM
Too clean...

Why was Cinderella thrown out of the fairy land?
She sat on Pinocchio's face and forced him to tell lies! :omg:
Hmm, there was a similar joke like that in the new season of Family guy.
Gepetto "accidently" drops his glasses, bends over and then asks if Pinocchio stole a cookie from the cookie jar.

[Playbahnosh]

I found some cool quotes and jokes in a file hidden deep on my HDD. I'll tell some of them:

Suicide: When you tell god "You can't fire me, I QUIT!" :D

We spend the first 12 months of our child to teach him how to walk and talk, and the next 12 years we tell him to shut up and sit tight :D

The love is like peeing in your pants. Everybody sees it on you, but only you can feel the warmth of it :D

I have plenty more...

[Tulac]

Excuse moi if this was already posted...

Women are like tornadoes, they come wet and wild, but in the end they take your house and car... <_<

[_r.u.s.s.]

keyboard not found, hit any key to continue

[Sebatianos]

Any key or the key "ANY"?

[_r.u.s.s.]

LOL

btw i had picture with "f*ck it" on this place"

[drumminfreek]

i have a bunch of really stupid, twisted, and funny jokes! :D

how do you kill a blue elephant?
with a blue elphant gun! :eeeeeh:

how do you kill a green elephant?
you choke it till it turns blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun!

What does cinderella do when she gets to the balls?
*COUGH, COUGH, COUGH*!

How do you catch an elephant?
dig a hole, fill the hole with ashes, and when the elephant gets real close to the hole,...
ya kick it in the ashhole! LOL

How do you get a buncha black kids to stop jumpin on the bed?
put velcro on the ceiling!
How do ya get em down?
invite a buncha mexican kids over for a pinata (pinyata?) party! LOL

i dont know if i can tell em...they might offend....
you guys have to lemme know if you want me to tell dead baby jokes....

[omg]

what do you get if you cross an owl with a bungie cord?



my behind.

[Unknown Hero]

Two zeroes are walking on the street. One sees eight and says: "Just look at that biatch, she tied herslef on the hips!"

What is small green and is barking?
A frog with talking defect!

[Evad]

since we all seem to like dirty jokes, here's one I just remembered.
What's the difference between a nun, and a woman in the bath tub?
a nun has hope in her soal.
a woman has soap in her hole.
for this joke, i tried to use the s word that rhymes with plut, but it substitutes woman. just for your info.

[Sebatianos]

Some stupid ones...

What do you get if you cross a snake with a hedgehog?
Barbed-wire.

What do you get if you cross mexican jumping beans with a cuecumber?
An organic vibrating dildo!

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mouse?
The Nobel prize!

What do you get if you cross a blonde with an ape?
First mentaly challenged ape child.

What do you get is you cross an insomniac with a dislectic?
A guy who stays up all night thinking if there really is a dog.

[Evad]

:roflol:

[Rogue]

INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN AMAZING CONCLUSION


1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING


3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.


5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.



AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!

[Sebatianos]

Ouch - I don't wanna be a maintenance level employee then - too heavy!!! :rolleyes:

[Tulac]

http://www.hitman.us/main.html

:roflol:

[drumminfreek]

Alrite....no one decided to tell me to not tell dead baby jokes... :whistle:
so here we go! :evil: :evil:

Whats red and sits in the corner?
A baby with a razorblade!

Whats green and sits in the corner?
same baby 4 weeks later!

Whats blue and sits in the corner?
A baby with a bag on its head!

Whats easier to unload, a truckfull of cannonballs or a truck full of dead babies?
the truckfull of dead babies because you cant unload cannonballs with a pitchfork!

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

sorry... :D

[Sebatianos]

You should be sorry - it's unhelathy for me to laugh so hard so early in the morning!

@Tulac: Now that really is a permenent solution to most of the problems! :ok: I'm ordering their services right now!

[VERTICAL PIG]

Originally posted by Tulac@Jun 12 2005, 10:28 PM
Excuse moi if this was already posted...

Women are like tornadoes, they come wet and wild, but in the end they take your house and car...* <_<
nooooe selley.. women are like refrigerators, they wiegh 200 pounds and they make ice. :tomato:

[DakaSha]

An american and a russian are going for a walk on the beach.
after awihle they get into an argument about submarines:

"Our submarines are FAR superior to yours!" says the russian,
"They can stay underwater for 5 years without resurfacing!"

The american just laughs and says:"Whatever... ours can stay
underwater for up to 10 whole years!"

Suddenly the water on thier side starts to bubble and a submarine
emerges... The top opens and a man says: "HEIL HITLER! is the war
over yet?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

....hmm i just realized that it isnt as funny when you write it down

oh well i didnt write it down for nothing :bleh:

[Sebatianos]

An oldie (and clean even):

First week of school and the teacher was asking her 7 year old class what they were doing during the summer.
"We went to visit Na-na," said a little girl.
"You should try and talk like a grown up - We went to visit grandmother."
Next a little boy said: "We went on a trip with a choo-choo."
"I just said, you shouldn't talk like that - We went on a train trip."
Now the next little boy made a deep voice and wanted to sound like a grown up:
"I read a book. It was Winny the Sh*t!"

[MadMarius]

it seems that you like babyes jokes:...............here it goes!


Q:how do you make a baby shut up?
A:you stick a shotgun in his mouth.
Q:wigh is the oldest baby in the world?
A:the one dropped in formone 200 years ago.......
Q:why the government of china Will allow baby mass murdering?
A:too many mouths to feed Comunist bulshit.
Q:wich is the tallest baby in the world?
A:the one who got "high" on booze...
Q:wich is the worsest thing after aids?
A:unprogramed babyes made by accident....
:Brain: ..... :evil: ..be a sadick...live your life...

[MadMarius]

it seems that you like babyes jokes:...............here it goes!


Q:how do you make a baby shut up?
A:you stick a shotgun in his mouth.
Q:wigh is the oldest baby in the world?
A:the one dropped in formone 200 years ago.......
Q:why the government of china Will allow baby mass murdering?
A:too many mouths to feed Comunist bulshit.
Q:wich is the tallest baby in the world?
A:the one who got "high" on booze...
Q:wich is the worsest thing after aids?
A:unprogramed babyes made by accident....
:Brain: ..... :evil: ..be a sadick...live your life...

[drumminfreek]

LOL
@-MadMarius- THe best one was the first one!
LOL

[Sebatianos]

@MadMarius:
Why did you post that twice?

Not that I mind the jokes, but... a double post?



OK Baby - momy jokes:
B: I don't like grandpa.
M: Then just eat the potatoes around him!

B: Should I make grandma ready for diner?
M: We still got half of grandpa in the fridge!

B: I don't like spagetti.
M: Shut up, or I'll pull the veins out of other arm too!

B: I don't wanna go to Australia.
M: Shut up and keep on swimming!

B: Mom! I can only run in circles.
M: Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the ground too!

B: Mom, why are those people outside bleeding?
M: Shut up and reload the shotgun!

[troop18546]

Jokes are getting more and more cruel, how about some funny ones? :blink:

[Fawfulhasfury]

Well, heres a couple of Micheal Jackson jokes.

During the end of the trial, the jury was heard to say:
We the jury find the defendant, creepy.

After the trial, Micheal Jackson headed back to the neverland ranch where his loyal staff were waiting for him right behind the front gates. Here's a picture of his trustworthy staff.
http://www.newarkwildcats.com/images/051404VarsityBoysTrackTeam_small.gif

And also, after going home, he recieved a message on his answering machine he'd been long awaiting.
On quote, "Hi, this is Lost and Found, could you plz decribe the nose in question?."
And another message"Hi, this is Saddam Hussein, where can I find one of those dumb...behind....jurys?"

LOL

[Sebatianos]

:D And I bet that was just before he calloed his layer and asked: "Would it be worth suing this kid - Fawfulhasfury? I need some money back and he's badmouthing me."

:whistle:

[Playbahnosh]

"If you start to scream in a librarly, everyone will be mad at you and say shutup. But if you start screaming on an airplane, everyone will join you!" :D

[Sebatianos]

This reminds me:

Some guy was taking a plane trip and while high in the sky the cpatain's voice (calm) comes from the speaker: "We have some slight trouble. One of the engines blew up, but we still have 3 engines and will safely land at our destination - but we'll be an hour late."
Some moments later the captain's voice (really concerend now) is heard again: "We just los another engine. There's no need for alarm, because we still have 2 engines left and will be able to land safely, but with 2 hous delay."
Now long after that the captain's voice (obviously scared) was heard again: "We lost the third engine. We'll still make it to an airport, but will be 4 hours late."
Then this guy turned to his neighbour and said: "I hope we don't loose the last engine. We'll be stuck up here the whole day!"

[Fox]

Download & watch THIS (http://www.ahajokes.com/video/m107.zip).

It is an old favourite of mine, from a South African movie called
"The Panic Mechanic"

ENJOY!!! :ok:

[Playbahnosh]

Another plane joke:

The afghan plane flies. Then suddenly the captain say in the intercom: All tha engeines are blaown, tha plaine iz on fiyar so we are gonna krash!"
A woman tears down her clothes and cries: "Somebody make me feel woman once more!" then a man tears down his shirt and swoops in the womans face and says "Here! Iron this!" :D

[Sebatianos]

:roflol:

[Playbahnosh]

I just found a cool music in one of my hidden folders of lost treasures. :D

If you ever played Diablo 1 or 2 before, you should know who is rappin in da hauz :D "Stay a while and listen!" hehe LOL

Check THIS (http://leviathan.srv.hu/music/greetings-cain-rap.mp3) out! :ok:

[Sebatianos]

Maybe I wrote this one already...

Why did a pervert cross the road?
He had his d... stuck in the chicken.

[Fox]

Originally posted by Playbahnosh@Jun 18 2005, 08:05 PM
I just found a cool music in one of my hidden folders of lost treasures. :D

If you ever played Diablo 1 or 2 before, you should know who is rappin in da hauz :D "Stay a while and listen!" hehe LOL

Check THIS (http://leviathan.srv.hu/music/greetings-cain-rap.mp3) out! :ok:
Cool man!!!

Btw how did u like mine.

[Playbahnosh]

Originally posted by Fox+Jun 18 2005, 11:18 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Fox @ Jun 18 2005, 11:18 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Playbahnosh@Jun 18 2005, 08:05 PM
I just found a cool music in one of my hidden folders of lost treasures.* :D

If you ever played Diablo 1 or 2 before, you should know who is rappin in da hauz* :D* "Stay a while and listen!" hehe* LOL

Check THIS (http://leviathan.srv.hu/music/greetings-cain-rap.mp3) out!* :ok:
Cool man!!!

Btw how did u like mine. [/b][/quote]
I had that clip for some years now, and it was the star on every LAN party :D

COOL! :ok:

[Fawfulhasfury]

How about these airplane jokes. :D

How you can tell your captain is drunk.
When, halfway through the flight, he asks which one of the losers in teh seats is gonna be a designated driver.

Also, the airflight Iraqi(or American) travel package slogan was changed to, Iraq(or America), it's everywhere you do not want to be. LOL

Some things you don't want to hear from an airplane pilot as hes about to take off.

"This is my first flight in America."

"Fire me will they. *grumble grumble*"

"I'll teach that guy in the first class compartment to go out with my gal."

"*whisper* *whisper* Al Queida *whisper* Osama *whisper* jihad *whisper*"

"Well, before this job, I was a postal worker."

"Ooh!! What does this button do?"

"Los Angeles??? Is that near America?"

"Hi. My name is Ray Charles."

[Playbahnosh]

The last one is the best! :D

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Fawfulhasfury@Jun 19 2005, 01:44 AM
"Hi. My name is Ray Charles."
He's one of my favourite singers (at least he was while still alive)...

Have you ever seen his wife? - Neither did he!

[PrejudiceSucks]

Nice... some jokes mocking both women and the blind...

anyone up for some child-pornography based humour now?

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by PrejudiceSucks@Jun 19 2005, 04:04 PM
Nice... some jokes mocking both women and the blind...
anyone up for some child-pornography based humour now?
Well just to let you know - I heard that joke from a blind person while I was doing the voulenteer work as their guide.
And I really fail to see how this joke could be insoulting to women...

But if you want child pornography...

A girl was asking her father for new ballet slippers.
Father: You'll get the money, if you blow my d... :twisted:
Girl: :omg: I'd rather not.
Father: No blowing - no slippers. :evil:
Girl: Alright :sick:
But as she pulled of her father's underwear she saw his d... being covered with sh*t. :eeeeeh:
Girl: Dad - what's that?
Father: Well - your brother wanted a new football. :whistle:

[Playbahnosh]

@Sebatianos: :sick: :D :D :D

[A. J. Raffles]

Errm, I doubt he really wanted to read a joke like that. :eeeeeh:

[Tulac]

*Stunned*

[Playbahnosh]

Heres another spiced with animalism :D :

Little Red walks in the forrest and cries. :cry:
Then the hunter comes and asks Red: "What happened little girl? Why are you crying?" :huh:
"I was going to my grandma, when the wolf got me and r*ped me!" :cry:
"Oh, thats terrible" :omg:
"Then the fox came and did the same, then the bear and the deer too" :cry:
Then the huner started to untie his pants:
"Whell Red, this is just not your day!" :evil:

:sick:

[A. J. Raffles]

Erm, don't think me squeamish, but I'd really prefer it if we could go back to slightly less offensive jokes now.

[Playbahnosh]

"okay, so you are the newbie surgeon? Good, your first assignment is amptation. Here! Now cut off hir right leg. NO, I said right!! I SAID LEG!!!"

:D

Okay, someone write a less offensive one please :ok:

[Sebatianos]

OK, OK...

Little Janezek (a stereotipical Slovene not to clever boy name) came home from school and told his mother what happened in school.
Janezek: We started writing letters today and I already knew half the alphabet.
Mother (proudly): That's because you're so clever Janez!
Janezek: Then we started doing math and I could add and substract up to 100.
Mother (proudly): That's because you take after my side of the family.
Janezek: Then we had P.E. and I was the only boy who had hair on his chest.
Mother (sad): That's because you're 17 Janez, that's because you're 17.

[Playbahnosh]

The biggest joke ever: F1 with 6 racers :D
Just watch the show :D

[Fox]

Originally posted by Playbahnosh@Jun 19 2005, 06:26 PM
The biggest joke ever: F1 with 6 racers :D
Just watch the show :D
:blink: I dont get it!

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Playbahnosh@Jun 19 2005, 08:26 PM
The biggest joke ever: F1 with 6 racers :D
I remember the race in Monaco some 10 years ago when there were only three cars at the finish line!
Panis won and Culthard was second (I can't remember who was third), but these three were the only three people finishing the race (and I won my only racing bet - I said Ligie Mugen Honda would win that race - the only team I could think of at the moment that had no chances of winning - I wanted to make fun at the bet).

[Playbahnosh]

Originally posted by Fox+Jun 19 2005, 08:06 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Fox @ Jun 19 2005, 08:06 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Playbahnosh@Jun 19 2005, 06:26 PM
The biggest joke ever: F1 with 6 racers :D
Just watch the show :D
:blink: I dont get it! [/b][/quote]
Just watch the F1 race right now!

Spoiler: There are only 6 racers on the track, the ones with the Bristol tyres...
Those who had Michlein tires, are all out. In fact they are not even started the race! :D Just funny :D

[troop18546]

It's actually Bridgestone and Michelin. :angel:

[Playbahnosh]

Sorry, I wasn't paying attention. I rarely watch F1, and I have no idea about the tire brands :D

[PrejudiceSucks]

Well those jokes were disgusting... I'm going to go and wash my eyes now... with bleach....

[Sebatianos]

Ouch - that would probalby hurt and cause some serious damage on you observin aparatus. Better you read this next (completely inocent joke):

Two grains of sand were walking through the Sahara desert, when one turns to the other and says: "Can you believe how crowded this place is?!"

[drumminfreek]

:eeeeeh: LOL :eeeeeh: LOL :eeeeeh:

sorry...

ive gotta stupid joke!!! :w00t: :w00t: :w00t: (BUT WHAT ELSE IS NEW?!?!?! :whistle: )

there are two muffins and they're sitting their and one muffin says to the other,
"wanna hear a joke?" and the second muffin screams, "AAAAGH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

LOL

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Did you not post this in a stupid jokes thread a while back?

And if you didn't someone else did.

[troop18546]

The last two were great... LOL

[drumminfreek]

ummm.......i dunno.....i don't think so.
i might of... but sorry if i did :D

[troop18546]

Was that another joke? :blink:

[PrejudiceSucks]

I have a joke :

How long it is taking for HoTU to update...

[Havell]

Originally posted by PrejudiceSucks@Jun 22 2005, 04:23 PM
I have a joke :

How long it is taking for HoTU to update...
...How long is a piece of string?

[PrejudiceSucks]

LOL possibly 3 months long... although that's a time and string doesn't really come in quantitites of time....

[BeefontheBone]

Twice the length from the middle to the end.

:ot:

[drumminfreek]

What??
i don't get it.... :crazy:

[a1s]

Originally posted by BeefontheBone@Jun 22 2005, 08:32 PM
Twice the length from the middle to the end.

:ot:
that doesn't apply to trhe HOTU update though.

[drumminfreek]

I heard another stupid joke!! :D
it's clean, no worries... :sneaky:
ok...here goes...
so these 2 strings walk into a bar cuuz they wanna get drunk.
the bartender says "i cant sell beer to youse guys cuz youre just a couple of strings!"
so the strings leave the bar and walk into an alley by the bar thinking. the first string says "Ive got an idea!!" he then ties him self in a knot and frays himself into a bunch of strings. he then walks back into the bar and sits down. the bartender says "Hey, aint you that string?" the string replies "Nope. I'm a frayed knot!!"
LOL LOL LOL

*everyones look out there :eeeeeh: :eeeeeh: *

[PrejudiceSucks]

I have a better joke :

That our post count now doesn't go up in 3xBlah.

Oh wait, it's not a joke. It's not even tragicomic.

[Danny252]

NYARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRR
NYARR.

[Sebatianos]

Is that true? Finally!!!

Now for a joke:

There was a sailor, who couldn't spell.
He spent the night in a wharehouse.

[PrejudiceSucks]

LOL Nice joke!

[drumminfreek]

:blink: :blink: :blink: :blink:
i dont understand any of your weird jokes....
i have a small mind... :whistle:
LOL

[BeefontheBone]

It works better when you can spell warehouse :P

[Sean]

Originally posted by PrejudiceSucks@Jun 29 2005, 04:12 PM
I have a better joke :

That our post count now doesn't go up in 3xBlah.

Oh wait, it's not a joke. It's not even tragicomic.
Whats 3xblah?

Joke:

Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?

It didnt have the guts!

Why DID the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop!

[drumminfreek]

:blink: :blink:
wow....abandonia has hit a new low...
wer'e telling "cross the road" jokes... :bleh:

[TheVoid]

Originally posted by drumminfreek@Jul 1 2005, 03:38 PM
:blink: :blink:
wow....abandonia has hit a new low...
wer'e telling "cross the road" jokes... :bleh:
We've done worse, my friend, much worse...

[drumminfreek]

LOL LOL
We've done worse, my friend, much worse...
HAHA! now that was a funny joke!!
:wall:

[Fawfulhasfury]

I dunno if anyones heard this or not, but from now on, according to a new tape, Al Queda no longer wants to be known as towl heads because the thing on their head is indeed not a towl, but a turban.

So from now on, al Queda representative said in Fox News they would like to be referred to as "little sheet heads." LOL

[Danny252]

Im tempted to edit your post for grammar ^_^

[Havell]

Go Danny go! I do it all the time in Game Discussion (mostly "alot" removal).

[Danny252]

weeeeee! *edits posts for grammar*

and a funny phrase..

Yo mama's so fat, they called her hurricane fatass!

replace yo mama with the appropriate object/person/admin and fat with the appropriate adjective.

[Frodo]

David & Victora Beckham are sitting quietly in their big mansion. All of a sudden, David jumps up with excitement, and gives a loud 'WOO-HOO'.



Victoria: What on earth is the matter?

David : I just finished my jigsaw, and it only took me 6 months.

Victoria : What's so good about that?

David : Well on the box, it says 3-5 years.


:roflol:

[troop18546]

*thinks for a moment :blink: , analyzes :help: , gets the gig*

then: :roflol:

[Sebatianos]

The Bechams part 2:

Victoria: David, have you finished another jiwsaw?

David: How did you know dear?

Victoria: You've bought half a dozen magazines for the loo again.

[Frodo]

Can't forget the old classic 'Knock Knock' jokes.



Knock Knock


Who's There?


Doctor


Doctor Who?


That's right!



(Yes I know it's corny)

:tease: :tomato: :bleh:



EDIT - Oops. Sorry. Didn't notice it was already posted.

[omg]

im .... dieng ...... ribs ... splitting ...... cant ... breathe ........ cant .... breathe......
help ... me .... god...........

[Sebatianos]

@Frodo - not a bad *knock knock* joke, but somebody already posted it in this thread...

@OMG - that's funny: Oh My God is calling on God for help... :whistle:

[drumminfreek]

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! !!!!
wait.......i dont get it......... :D

[Unknown Hero]

Jean Claude Van Damme and James Bond meet each other:
"My name is Bond, James Bond!"
"My name is Damme, Van Damme, Claude Van Damme, Jean Claude Van Damme!"

[drumminfreek]

I really get that 1!!!!! :w00t: :w00t: :D

[drumminfreek]

alrite guys...we need a new joke to bring this topic back...
and here we go!

Q-how do u kno if a blonde is having a bad??

A-her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pencil!!

LOL

[BeefontheBone]

A bad day, surely? Even then, it's not very funny...

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by BeefontheBone@Jul 13 2005, 12:04 AM
A bad day, surely? Even then, it's not very funny...
don't think too much about it Beef on the Bone, other wise almost ALL jokes aren't funny, just stupid.

Here's a funny situation that actually happened to me, and it really pissed me off.

Before I switched to my cable connection and to Yahoo mail , I was having a problem with my e-mail account, so I called tech support. They informed me that I was unable to get my e-mail or connect because I had not downloaded the latest patch to update the software. I asked them how I was supposed to get the link, and then the idiot told me "We will mail it to your e-mail address, glad we could be of help" <click> ...the line goes dead...I call again, speak to another moron, who says the same thing, but this time I manage to get in "WAIT WAIT WAIT!" "yes sir?" "My e-mail account is down...how am I supposed to get the e-mail you are sending me?" "Oh...right...um...please hold..."

People are so stupid

[a1s]

a student is having an exam in litereture, he has to tell about charecters War and Pece (put any other book here), so he satrts talking about Pier Brezuhov, after a while the examinator tells him " ok, we've heard enough about the hero, tell us about heroine". "oh- replies the student- heroin is powerfull stuff... why are you asking about it"

[Frodo]

Originally posted by ReamusLQ@Jul 13 2005, 08:07 AM
"We will mail it to your e-mail address, glad we could be of help" <click>



@ ReamusLQ

I can imagine your frustration. :ranting:

Your internet \ email is not working, so you how are you supposed to download the patch, or get it through email. :crazy:


You must feel like :tomato: to the tech support people.

[drumminfreek]

HEY LOOK!! EVEN MY STOOPID JOKE BROUGHT BACK THIS TOPIC!!! :w00t: :w00t:

[Danny252]

Maybe not for long though. The close option is becoming nicer every second..

[drumminfreek]

(No, for short)
i love this topic... :whistle:
Cut the caps and unwanted long (useless) messages.

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by Danny252@Jul 13 2005, 11:22 AM
Maybe not for long though. The close option is becoming nicer every second..
Oh come on Danny, this is a fun thread that goes through slow periods, followed by a few bursts of jokes, then slows down a bit. There's no real reason for this thread to be closed simply because it has slowed down some. Please don't close it.

And now for some jokes!

#1 One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."

#2 Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
They wanted to see if their maxi-pads really had wings.

#3 The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow

[Danny252]

I've heard the last one at school before.

and what should be a permanent rule:
->NO< shouting!-

[drumminfreek]

who was shouting?? :whistle:
just jokin... :D

[Fox]

(i love this thread so please don't close it)

As a great South African comedian said "The truth (true incidents) is the funniest jokes"-(Mel Miller), so here is a true incident from the life of yours truly:

One day in computer classes my teacher was telling us that we should be careful because the U.S government can see everything that goes on in the world. (e.g what we had for breakfast). So ofcourse my natural response was "Why haven't they found Osama yet"

Not so funny, but the original one i was gonna post was too embarassing & i didn't want to waste my time.

[Mahar Vairo]

For all you health buffs out there:

A little honey is good for you - until your wife finds out.

THe human body, with proper care, will last a lifetime

My housemaid's knee has been giving me trouble. My wife caught me sitting on it.

I can't believe it. This morning I jogged backward for five miles and I put on three kilos.

My doctor told me that exercise could add yers to my life. he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Exercise is nonsense. If you are healthy, you don't need it. If you are sick, you shouldn't take it.

[Mahar Vairo]

From actual Exam papers:

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

People who live in Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Water is composed of two gins. Oxygen and hydrogen. Oxygen is pure gin. Hydrogen is gin and water.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits at the top and you sit on the bottom.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is single at the top and plural at the bottom.

The blood circulatesthrough the body flowing down one leg and up the other.

[Fox]

In South Africa, 2 words, if said will offend people. viz. God and Black

I imagine going up to heaven and asking St. Peter "How's God?"
St. Peter: "You cannot say god up here"
Me: "Why not?"
St. Peter: "He's (stutters for a while) b... b... b... (then whispers) black"

(Taken from a great comedian, Barry Hilton)

[Sebatianos]

This reminds me...

[omg]

:w00t: :D LOL
that one is brilliant

[Shunk Eat Enemy]

heres one PETA (you know the animal people)

People Eating Tasty Animals

[Sebatianos]

:D In slovene language PETA meant HEEL (you know - the part of the foot). LOL

[Doc Adrian]

LOL I love the cartoon Sebatianos :)

(Wishes he had a joke to add)

[A. J. Raffles]

Talking of acronyms:
"Welcome to the fifth annual meeting of the British Union of Radish Producers. First item on the agenda: we need to find a new acronym."

[Havell]

Originally posted by A. J. Raffles@Jul 17 2005, 10:38 PM
Talking of acronyms:
"Welcome to the fifth annual meeting of the British Union of Radish Producers. First item on the agenda: we need to find a new acronym."
:w00t: Unless I am very much mistaken, that's a The Knowledge/Horrible History joke :ok:

[Jimbo the Legend]

Quick question on the jokes thread

wots red and lies by the side of a train track?
































a miscarriage

i dont know any jokes that are sick at all :whistle:

J

[Sebatianos]

Here's an oldie...

An old lady walks in the doctor's office.

Lady: "Excuse me doctor, but I have a small problem. I'm always fating. Well it's not so bad, because you can't neither here not smell my farts. In fact you probably haven't even noted that I just farthed."
The doctor gives her some medicine and tells her to come back next week.
Next week this lady comes back all scared.
Lady: "Doctor, it's getting worse! I'm still fating, but when I started eating yoour pills my fart started stinking!"
Doctor: "OK, I guess we cleared out your sinuses, now let's see what's wrong with your ears."

[A. J. Raffles]

Originally posted by R Havell@Jul 17 2005, 10:43 PM
:w00t: Unless I am very much mistaken, that's a The Knowledge/Horrible History joke :ok:
Yes, it's from Wicked Words, I think.:D One of the best in the series. I love Horrible Histories, although I'm far too old for them, of course (I usually pretend to be getting them for my little cousins :whistle: ).

Ahem, back on topic: the Funniest Joke in the World ™ (in German, for safety reasons):
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by A. J. Raffles+Jul 18 2005, 12:51 AM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (A. J. Raffles @ Jul 18 2005, 12:51 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-R Havell@Jul 17 2005, 10:43 PM
:w00t: Unless I am very much mistaken, that's a The Knowledge/Horrible History joke :ok:
Yes, it's from Wicked Words, I think.:D One of the best in the series. I love Horrible Histories, although I'm far too old for them, of course (I usually pretend to be getting them for my little cousins :whistle: ).

Ahem, back on topic: the Funniest Joke in the World ™ (in German, for safety reasons):
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput! [/b][/quote]
:roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :roflol: :omg: <dies from laughter>

[a1s]

Originally posted by A. J. Raffles@Jul 18 2005, 07:51 AM
Ahem, back on topic: the Funniest Joke in the World ™ (in German, for safety reasons):
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
because of your "safety reasons" no translation software on the web can work with that joke (I doubt you have so many typos in there...). :D

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by a1s+Jul 18 2005, 01:11 AM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (a1s @ Jul 18 2005, 01:11 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-A. J. Raffles@Jul 18 2005, 07:51 AM
Ahem, back on topic: the Funniest Joke in the World ™ (in German, for safety reasons):
Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
because of your "safety reasons" no translation software on the web can work with that joke (I doubt you have so many typos in there...). :D [/b][/quote]
that's actually how it's spelled in the Monty Python script, to stop people from translating it

[a1s]

Originally posted by ReamusLQ@Jul 18 2005, 08:29 AM
that's actually how it's spelled in the Monty Python script, to stop people from translating it
wow, subconious in it's work- I didn't recognise that joke, but still felt I needed to post it's nazi counterpart in the 'worst joke' thread. again wow.

[Sebatianos]

Time for a new joke:

A amn and a woman were ridin g together in a train (but didn't know eachother). He was always trying to make a move on her, but she just kept reading her book.
Then finally he asks: "What book are you reading?"
"It's a lovers guide."
"Oh really," he says quite interested. "And who are the most romantic lovers in the world?"
"According to this book it's the Italians."
"And which lovers are best in bed?"
Her eyes light up and she says: "Japaneese."
The the man says: "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Luigi Hirohito."

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Jul 20 2005, 01:01 AM
Time for a new joke:

A amn and a woman were ridin g together in a train (but didn't know eachother). He was always trying to make a move on her, but she just kept reading her book.
Then finally he asks: "What book are you reading?"
"It's a lovers guide."
"Oh really," he says quite interested. "And who are the most romantic lovers in the world?"
"According to this book it's the Italians."
"And which lovers are best in bed?"
Her eyes light up and she says: "Japaneese."
The the man says: "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Luigi Hirohito."
he...that's actually not that bad

[Jimbo the Legend]

No, it really really is that bad!!!

J

[drumminfreek]

LOL haha! great pic!
anyways...
Q- whats the worst part os drinking goats milk?

A- getting the grass stain off your back!! LOL

[TheChosen]

Another doctor joke!

Patient:Doctor! Doctor! Ive become an invisible!
Doctor: Next patient!

[Sebatianos]

Man. I gotta go repaint the floor in our bathroom!!!

[a1s]

army regulation spoofs:


Q: why must a solider close one eye when aiming with a rifle?
A: because if he closes both, he will not be able to see his target.
Q: how must a solider hold his rifle during an atomic explosion?
A: on his outstretched arms, so the molten metal would not drip on goverment issued shoes.


I can't remeber any more right now.

[Sebatianos]

Army jokes?

George: Oh sir, just one thing. If we should happen to tread on a
mine, what do we do?

Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet
into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

[BeefontheBone]

"We seem to have crawled into a field of mushrooms."
"Lieutenant, that is a military map. It is unlikely to list interesting fauna and fungi. If you consult the key you will see what that mushroom means."
"It just says 'mine' - these mushrooms must belong to the feelow who made the map!"

[Sebatianos]

Edmund: No sir. Um, it's a terrible story, but true. Just a few minutes ago
Georgina arrived unexpectedly in my trench. She was literally dancing
with joy as if something wonderful had happened to her.

Melchett: Makes sense.

Edmund: Unfortunately, she was in such a daze, danced straight throught the
trench and out into No Man's Land. I tried to stop her, but before
I could say, 'Don't tread on a mine', she trod on a mine.

[Sebatianos]

Childbirth through a child's eyes
> > Should children witness childbirth?
> >
>
> > Due to a power cut at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.
>
> > The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn,a
>3-year-old
> > girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mummy so he could see while he
> > helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
> > Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while, Connor was born. The
> > paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
> > Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and
> > asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just
> > witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
> > in the first place. Smack him again."

[ReamusLQ]

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

[Sebatianos]

Reamus QL - thet was a great joke when I first saw it while watching M*A*S*H :ok:

What about this little add?

[drumminfreek]

:blink: :blink:
Whats PATTEX??

[Sebatianos]

A type of glue (isn't it obvious) :wall:

[drumminfreek]

:blink:
i didnt think it was obvious... :wall:

[Fox]

TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else.

If you feel that you do not receive you share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T.list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before
they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are
all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST.
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and
can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.
S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

-------------------------------------------------

PS i did not know if this was posted before, but i could not find it here

[Titan]

Originally posted by Fox@Jul 30 2005, 09:41 PM
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well
trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else.

If you feel that you do not receive you share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of
the S.H.I.T.list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing
that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to
take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE
TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before
they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are
all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training
others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST.
(B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and
can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.
S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

-------------------------------------------------

PS i did not know if this was posted before, but i could not find it here
LMAO... looks like the memmoes we get from our HQ

[Indignus IV]

ROFL That was awesome!

[Danny252]

LMAO!!!! That is one funny thing... heheh..

[Fox]

This is :ot: , but what does LMAO & ROFL mean?

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by Fox@Jul 30 2005, 02:01 PM
This is :ot: , but what does LMAO & ROFL mean?
laugh my @$$ off, rolling on floor laughing

[Fox]

In support of the latest game, The Beverly Hillbillies

Hill Billy Letter

Dear Sun:

I am writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most car accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. I can't send you the address as the last red-neck family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine, but the first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since. It rained here only twice last week, three days the first time and four the second. About the coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home and it said that if we didn't make the last payment on grandma's funeral, up she'd come. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a boy or a girl so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat, some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in their pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned because they couldn't get the tail gate open.

Aunt Mabel is knitting you some socks. She would have sent them by now but I told her you had grown another foot since she last saw you so she had to knit another one. Not much more news this time, Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I would have sent you $20, but the envelope was already sealed.

[Doubler]

:roflol:

[Fox]

If you think that hill billies are stupid, then think again:

A letter from a Hillbilly!!

Perception is Reality or Hillbilly Joins The Army

Dear Ma and Pa:

Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6a.m. (but am getting so I like to sleep late).

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches" which the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat.

The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Cap. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near big as a chipmonk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come inboxes.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving son,

Zeb

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Fox@Jul 31 2005, 12:15 AM
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat, some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
Pure brilliant! :kosta: :roflol: :kosta:

Wasn't there the response by the son also? I think I got this in the mail a few years ago, but if I remember correctly the son did reply.

[Fox]

I'm not sure if there was. But i did post another one `bout a son writing to his parents, just above your post.

Time for a stupid joke!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Death
Death who?

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Death?




We laugh at stupididty of the person who answering door right, as they don't know who death is?

[a1s]

more knockout jokes:

knock,knock
who's there?
Boo.
boo who?
don't cry, it's only a joke.

knock,knock
who's there?
tank
tank who?
you're welcome!

knock,knock
who's there?
wooden shoe.
wooden shoe who?
wooden shoe like to know?

knock,knock
who's there?
doctor
doctor who?
exactly!

[Fox]

Some more:


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Nicholas
Nicholas who?
Nicholas girls should not climb trees


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish stew
Irish stew who?
Irish stew in the name of the law


Knock Knock
Who's there?
You
You who?
Stop cheering & let me in

[TheChosen]

You might have heard this or someone may have already posted this:

Two muffins are in oven:
Muffin 1:Oh,its so hot in here
Muffin 2:Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!
LOL

[a1s]

- When did the english judges start wearing black clothes?
- when they were mourning queen Victoria.
- But why do they still wear them now?
- well she's still dead, isn't she?



At excavation in American Indian settlement of Tau-hau a gold figurine of god Kettsalmigonkugankoatlktenotchetlan - the god of diction and memory- has been found .


jack asks john:
- how do you make your cow produce 50 galons of milk a day?
- oh it's all about care... each morning I come into the barn and caringly ask her, " so what is it going to be today, milk or beef?"

[ad master]

Q:how do you tell a cow from a bull?
A: a bull smiles when you milk him :D

[Rogue]

:roflol:

[Unknown Hero]

One day John was going home from work, and just when he started to cross the road he heard a shout: "STOP!" He stopped and saw a maniac driving a car 200mph. Someone saved his life, but he couldn't see who!?
Later on, when he was walking down the street, once again he heard the shout: "STOP!" In front of him a part of the roof felt down. His life was saved once more, but who saved his life?
He asked: "Who are you!? Why are you saveing my life?"
Someone answered: "I'm your guardian angel, I'm so tiny that you can't see me."
A man asked: "Are you so tiny so that you can sit in my hand?", and extended a hand.
An angel replied: "I have just sat in your hand!"
Man then clapped with his hands, killed an angel and said: "Where were you when I got married!!!!"

[Toxik]

another knock knock joke:


KNOCK KNOCK
Whos there?
Jean Claude Vann Damme.
i Dont know you go to hell all four of you!!









i dont know if i translated it properly..

[Xikarita]

Two female dinosaurs go to the beach. There they are, sunbathing, and one of them says:
- ''I'm going to take a dive. Wanna come?''
- ''I can't. I'm having my period.''
- ''So, do as I did: use a sheep!''

[TheChosen]

How many mademan(Mafia guys) can change a light bulb?
Three.
First one changes the bulb, second guards his back and third one shoots the eye-witnesses. LOL

[Unknown Hero]

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Nice to meet you who! :bye:

[Sebatianos]

Nock it off with the knock knock already - only about 5% of them are actually funn. If you really wish to keep posting them - go to the Worst joke thread.

A real joke now (even if not the funniest):
Two women were cell mates in a prison for 20 years.
When they got released the first one said: "Wait, I didn't get a chance to tell her about the second day yet."

[BeefontheBone]

Is there a difference between this and the worst joke thread anymore?

[Sebatianos]

Unfortunately not - but then again, even a bad joke is still a joke - so it's not off topic here (remember the elephant jokes)

BTW:
What's the difference between sperm and mucus?
You can pull mucus back in...

:rolleyes: :blink: :eeeeeh: :sick:

[Blood-Pigggy]

Um, yeah...

Here's a commonly known one, and it's very bad...

Two people were on a boat, one named Stop, and the other named Repeat, Stop felt murderous and pushed Repeat off the boat.

Which one fell in the water?

[a1s]

what is the difference between a condom and a cockpit?
you can only put one **** in a condom.

[Blood-Pigggy]

Originally posted by a1s@Aug 2 2005, 10:00 PM
what is the difference between a condom and a cockpit?
you can only put one **** in a condom.
I don't get it, you don't put ANY ***** in a condom, a chicken wouldn't fit.

[a1s]

Originally posted by Blood-Pigggy+Aug 2 2005, 10:02 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Blood-Pigggy @ Aug 2 2005, 10:02 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-a1s@Aug 2 2005, 10:00 PM
what is the difference between a condom and a cockpit?
you can only put one **** in a condom.
I don't get it, you don't put ANY ***** in a condom, a chicken wouldn't fit. [/b][/quote]
you must be buying smaller sizes then :D

if you really didn't get it, then I apologise for my stupid joke. go here (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=****). #7.