Jokes

[adamaster]

two women talk:
- By the way, did I tell you my daughter is going to participate in the Miss Universe competition?
- whaaat? but she's as fat as a hippo.
- yeah.
- well you know they don't even make any dresses that big!
- read my lips. she is going to be mis U-NI-VERSE !

[blastradius14]

A man walks into a bar and says: Two wiskeys to the bartender. The bartender askes him what the occasion is as he is engulfing the first one, and he just says I got my first blow job. The bartender then says, well thats good news, another on the house! The guy then says, thanks man, if two can't get out the flavor maybe the third will

Sorry but this one is a little sick :sick:

[blastradius14]

There was once a man with a pet rat. He loved his rat, and kept it in the basement of his house. This man had a sleeping disorder, and he would toss and turn in his sleep thinking about rats. Every night, he would feed his rat and watch it grow. But soon he had many rats, and he continued to feed the rats. Eventually there were so many rats that many of them had to go into the house to avoid piling on top of one another. And soon, the man found his rats had eaten everything in the house, including his mother. The night this was happening, the rats discovered how dark his room was...

So our young man goes to the store and gets every package of cheese and container of peanut butter he can get his hands on. The cashier says, man. You feeding an army? The man says, you don't know the half of it. The cashier, after ringing up all the items, says to him, man, you know you smell like muck? When going home after chewing out the cashier, he fed the rats then checked out his room, and noticed that the rats had holes in the wall above his bed, and all other furniture. Upon the surface of everything in his room, including the floor, was an inch thick slab of rodent droppings. Worse yet, there were shoe marks in it leaving the room, and smear marks all over the bed. Looking down at his shirt, he noticed what the cashier was talking about.

[a1s]

well, my friend, eather I'm completely bonkers, or that story wasn't actualy funny. it's far too long for a joke too...

[Eagle of Fire]

How can you make a cat bark?

You throw it in gazeline and start it. The cat will go " WOOF!"



How can you make a dog meeaw?

You freeze it cold and put it on a mechanical saw. When cut through it will make a "MEEEAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW" sound.


:D

[Unknown Hero]

One day fisherman catched a golden fish. She said: "Don't eat me, I'm golden fish and I will ....."
"Yummy!", said the fisherman.

[blastradius14]

Here's another old one:

There was a magical grass-hopper being chased by a bird. The grasshopper told two guys if they saved it it would give each a wish. So they freed the grasshopper from the torment of the bird and It said, ok, Ill give you the first wish, and you the second wish. The first guy said, I want to be the smartest man in the world. The grass hopper said, done. The second guy said, I want to be smarter than the smartest man in the world. The grasshopper looked at him for a minute, then said, done. The second man was turned into a woman.

[blastradius14]

Mommy, why did all the dinosaurs go away? *a strange buzz comes from the tv*
Recent Non-existant evidence shows that volcanic activity in the atmosphere may have caused impotency, and in severe cases, sterility in dinosaurs...

[TheChosen]

Two frogs are hopping on the highway.

Frog 1:Watch out for that ca[SPLUT]
Frog 2:What ca[SPLUT]

[Fox]

@a1s:

We heard that you were held up at gun-point last night. The hi-jacker gave you 2 choices, suck his c*ck or die. We are glad to know that you are ok.

:bye: :D :ok: :D :bye:

[blastradius14]

Some people believe that hell is re-living the most miserable day of your life, and some believe its living your worst nightmare. Personally I believe in neither.

Its day 1 in hell, Bob and his wife Sue start the sad story. Bob comes home from work and says, Work was murder. Sue says, oh? What happened? Bob says, I got mugged on the way there, the copy machine nearly killed me and then I was fired.

Day 2 in hell: Bob comes home from work again and says, Work was murder. Sue says, oh? What happened? Bob says, I got mugged on the way there, the copy machine nearly killed me and then I was fired.

Several days later of the same thing occuring... Bob comes home from work and says, Work was murder. Sue says, let me guess, you were supposed to be a victim of a drive by, but instead you were only mugged. Then, you were supposed to get killed by the copy machine, then your boss fired you. Startled by her reaction, he said, what's the matter with you? Realising he had never asked her what her curse of hell was, he asked her. She said, I had to marry you!

[a1s]

a person dies and finds himself in a horrid place: some people are whiped by demons, other are being boiled in giant pots... suddenly he notices a door, so he goes in and sees a whole bunch of people who are wathicng a football match, and driking beer.
-is this hell? - he asks, puzzled.
-yeah, prety much- answers one man.
-but why aren't you out there, being torchured?
-that part is reserved for the belivers.

[blastradius14]

Originally posted by a1s@Aug 6 2005, 01:01 AM
a person dies and finds himself in a horrid place: some people are whiped by demons, other are being boiled in giant pots... suddenly he notices a door, so he goes in and sees a whole bunch of people who are wathicng a football match, and driking beer.
-is this hell? - he asks, puzzled.
-yeah, prety much- answers one man.
-but why aren't you out there, being torchured?
-that part is reserved for the belivers.
Sounds about right man. I'm glad I'm an athiest :D

[Fox]

The Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he walked alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.

Looking over his shoulder again, the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike.

At that instant the atheist cried out, without thinking, "Oh my God! ... "

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to now count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and answered,
"It would be hypocritical for me to be a Christian after all these years; but, perhaps, you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The River ran again.
The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ... brought both paws together ... bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

EDIT: @blastradius: Just kidding :D :D :D

[blastradius14]

At that instant the atheist cried out, without thinking, "Oh my God! ... "

More like Awww, *Meeep*! LOL

but enough with the situational jokes :tai:

[swiss]

there was an internet vote about this one to be the best joke ever.


- Two huntsmen walk through a forrest when suddely one of them raises his hands to his heard and falls to the ground.
The second one calls the abulance and tells them that his collegue died. "Please be sure about his death" says the abulance guy and a few sec later he hears a shot. "Well, and what do I need to do now" asks the second huntsman.

It's terribly translated to English but I love this one.

[Office_Monk]

Best joke ever; on every PC:

Keyboard error, press F1 to continue... :rolleyes:

[Toxik]

Bunch of PC jokes:
processor not found.should system emulate it?Y/N
Press F13 to continue..
catastrophical shotage of system resources!insert another processor and press ENTER
mouse is hungry.Insert cheese to disc A: and press ENTER
If any problem occurs open Window and use hardware acceleration Free Fall.
Fatal error occured when displaying fatal error on 3b5g61fd
Press any key to continue or any key to quit..
Printer not found,use pencil and paper!
No problems found on your Hdd.Windows is now generatin some of them.

[swiss]

you moved your mouse. please restart windows to activate changes ..

:D

[blastradius14]

You pressed a button on the keyboard. You have -1 seconds to...

[Fox]

As punch999 says in his signature:

Every night i go to bed look up into the stars and wonder what the F**k happened to my ceiling!

[ReamusLQ]

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk! :roflol:

[Xikarita]

Baby Snake asks Mama Snake:
- ''Mom, are we poisonous?''
- ''Why do you ask, son?''
- ''Because I just bit my tongue....''

[A. J. Raffles]

"Mummy, what is a vampire?"
"Now, will you stop fidgeting and eat your soup before it clots!"

[blastradius14]

Originally posted by ReamusLQ@Aug 12 2005, 03:54 PM
Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Because it's too far to walk! :roflol:
Why do chickens walk 'cross the road?

They are too stupid to fly. LOL

(Not to mention that most of them are clipped and bred to be too fat to fly...)

[Toxik]

Few examples showin that humankind will be destroyed by its stupidity
these are autentic warnings/instructions from products

mosquito-killing spray:This product was not tested on animals
mirror on motorcycle:things you see in this mirror are actually behind you
on bottom of coca-cola bottles:open with your other hand
on hairdryer Sears:dont use while sleeping
on box with soap:use as regular soap
on tiramisu from tesco:dont turn this product upside-down!(printed on the bottom)
on pudding:this product will be hot after cooking
chrismas lights:use only inside or outside
on peanuts:may contain nuts
another package of peanuts:instruction-1.open the package
2.eat the peanuts
buzzsaw from Sweden:if turned on dont stick your arm or genitals in it(whoa)
superman's costume for kids:you cant fly even with this costume
on sleep pills:may cause sleepiness
on bottle of milk:dont turn this upside-down after opening

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Toxik@Aug 13 2005, 08:15 PM
on bottom of coca-cola bottles:open with your other hand

I don't drink coke often but they don't say that.

[Toxik]

The place where i got that from says its only in certain countries

[Fox]

With airlines strapped for cash, you might end up seeing a couple of changes the next time you decide to fly.

Below, you'll learn the traits of a "no frills" airline! These days you can fly cheaply, but let's hope airlines don't go this far! Thanks, and enjoy the jokes!


YOU KNOW YOU'RE ON A
"NO FRILLS" AIRLINE WHEN ...

13. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.

12. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

11. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

10. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.

9. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

8. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

6. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

4. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once!"

3. No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes!

2. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane!


and last but not least...

1. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

[ReamusLQ]

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my
girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting
to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open
the door and immediately affect magood-naturedly murderous
expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like
it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering
how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates,
I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.
My motto: Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted
all night. "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose
pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely
want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into
two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better
be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking
anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You
may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below
her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to
be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you
and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to
assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun
and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,
sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill
you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier,
and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh
and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process
which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a
date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there
are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriffT-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to
her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided; movies which feature Chainsaw
are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs
and find me attempting to get her date to recite these
eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too
-- there are only eight of them, for crying outloud!
And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these
cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he
couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost
is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing
the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate
-- ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was
probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my
daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the
driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the
front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured
he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times.
She asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.

"Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up
with the eight simple rules?

[blastradius14]

Sounds like something I think I would do. Way to go! :ok:

[Fox]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man came up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day," he replies. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[ReamusLQ]

hehe...I've heard that one...it makes me smile

[Sebatianos]

This one might loose something in the translation, but here goes:

Two goldfishes meet. First one is very happy and joyful, but the other one is all swolen and in pain.
Fish 1: What's wrong with you?
Fish 2: You woldn't believe it. This guy cought me and I said to him 'If you let me go, I'll grant you a wish'.
Fish 1: And what's so bad about it?
fish 2: He didn't believe me and just tosed me back saying 'NO muck'.

Original (just the punch line):
Riba 1: Pa to i nije tako strašno.
Riba 2: Nije mi vjerovao, pa me je bacio natrag u more i rekao mi: 'Ma daj ne seri.'

:roflol:

[Toxik]

well it lost something in the translation..but the original is great LOL

[Sebatianos]

Hey, another one who understands Slavic languages - WELCOME!

[Toxik]

Well,Im actually czech.but slovenian laungage is just far too different so i get just few words.luckily very similar joke is told i here.

[blastradius14]

A guy walks up to a chick and says, Hey, don't I know you?
The chick says, Perhaps in name only, for you are too stupid to know anyone.
As usual, the guy doesn't get it.

[a1s]

perhaps it's because I'm a guy, but neither do I. :blink:

[blastradius14]

The chick thinks the guy is too stupid to convince anyone to sleep with him.

[Sebatianos]

Can't go to work.

[troop18546]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA :roflol:

[Frodo]

Nice one Seb :ok:


:roflol:





:ot:

How is Spike the hedgehog? :D

[punch999]

His name is sonic

[Frodo]

No-one's posted here for a while.
Here's a couple of jokes for ya. :D



How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
(very long pause)
I'll tell you next week?




Do you know the first sign of madness is little pink hairs growing on the palm of your hands.
The second sign is looking for them!



LOL

[Jimbo the Legend]

How do you keep a blonde occupied?

Give her a piece of paper with please turn over written on both sides.

J

[Sebatianos]

What's a difference between a BMW and a blonde?
You don't go lending your BMW to your best friends :twisted:

[Toxik]

this one is OLD
how do you amuse blode on saturday?
tell her joke in thursday

[Sebatianos]

A blonde joke:

[Fruit Pie Jones]

Warning posted at the head of a hiking trail:

BEAR HAZARD. HIKE AT YOUR OWN RISK.
The Park Service assumes no responsibility for bear attacks.

INFORMATION:
There are two types of bears in this area, black bears and grizzly (or brown) bears. Black bears are the smaller of the two and will generally leave humans alone. Grizzly bears are larger and have been known to attack humans with no provocation. They are especially dangerous when startled.

The Park Service recommends that hikers tie small bells to their shoelaces to reduce the likelihood of inadvertently coming upon a bear by surprise. In addition, hikers should carry a can of pepper spray to use in the event of a bear attack.

Should you encounter bear droppings, it is easy to determine which type of bear left them. Black bear droppings contain seeds and husks from the berries and nuts that these bears consume. Grizzly bear droppings contain small bells and smell like pepper spray.

Enjoy your hike!

[Sebatianos]

Translated from the Süddeutsche Zeitung (a collection of headlines):

The deceased had no arms, no legs and no head. It’s possible he was murdered.
The perpetrator wanted to abuse the woman. Police beat him to it.
The wives who kill their husbands have no right to get the widow’s pension.
She bit the attacker in the arm and thus robbed him of his manly hood.
While the dead pilot was leaning to the window and waving he was calling for help.
Next year 4000 policemen should come to one citizen.
An employee at the gas station was stabbed. Did anybody hear the shot?
The corpse didn’t want to open the door, so the police drew away.
“She was alive just a second before her death,” the young girl’s parents said.
The horse didn’t give any statements considering the accident.
He was making funny faces, as though he hadn’t committed suicide just two days earlier.
Next the body covered itself with leaves and ran. Two days later they caught it near Frankfurt.
They found the power-tools in gypsy’s underpants.
He hit her on the head and then attended to other house choirs.

[Sebatianos]

This isn't really a double post (it's been a while sinse the last post here - I just don't want the jokes to die):

A guy comes into the doctors office: "Doc! I need a pack of viagra quickly."
Doctor: "Wait a minute. Slow down. What happened?"
Guy: "Well I've met these three extremely hot girls and we started talking. They were fighting which one of them is better in bed and decided I should be the judge. All three of them are comming to my place tonight, to convince me they have the supperior sexual skills."
Doctor: "Seems you shouldn't have any problems with your erection then..."
Guy: "You don't get it. They'll all do me. I don't know if I'll be able to handle all of that. I don't want to turn soft while they're expecting my little soldier to salute."
Doctor: "But taking a whole pack of viagra can be really dangerous for you."
Guy: "You're a man doc. I'm sure you can understand. I mean it's three girls competing which one will give me more pleasure. That's a one in a two-dozen-life-times chance!"
Doctor: "This will mess up your blood preasure for days to come, so you're taking it at your own risk. I don't wanna see you back here complaining if anything goes wrong."
Guy: "done deal doc. Thanks."
Sure enough the guy comes back to the doctor the very next day: "Doc!"
Doctor: "I told you I don't wanna see you. I don't care what your blood preasure is!"
Guy: "It's not that doc. The girls never showed up, so I need a good hand lotion now."

[Fox]

Taken from a comedian who went to the National bear park in Canada:

Black is the announcement, green is comedians words, red is the bear

There are 2 types of bears in this area. Black bears & brown bears(grizzly).
When being attacked by a brown bear or grizzly do not attempt to run away.
Grizzlies can run faster than race horses.(Yeah right! Then why don't you see them at race meetings)
Play dead.(Sure that's what the bear want's isn't it: "Good! His dead. Now I can eat him")
Should the bear start to eat you play dismembered.
The thing is that you don't have to run faster than a race horse, ....You just have to run faster than the people your with. By the time his caught up with John or whoever, ....you can walk home

This is much better heard than written

[BeefontheBone]

Isn't that a Bill Hicks routine? It's DEFINITELY better spoken!

[blastradius14]

So what happens when there is a bear 4x in size than a normal bear? Act to small to be appealing.

[Sebatianos]

Here's a pic to make you smile:

[allyfaucet]

heehee! LOL

[Sebatianos]

And here's another:

[Unknown Hero]

The Creation


In the beginning, there was the computer. And God said,
c:\> Let there be light!
Enter user ID.
c:\> God
Enter password.
c:\> Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\> Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\> Technocrat


And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.


c:\> Let there be light!

Unrecognized command. Try again.
c:\> Create light
Done
c:\> Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\> Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognized command. Try again.
c:\> Create firmament
Done
c:\> Run firmament

And God divided the Heavens and the Earth. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\> Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and...
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\> Create dry_land
Done.
c:\> Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:00:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\> Create lights in the fimament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\> Run sun_moon_stars
Done

And God seperated the light from the darkness.
The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\> Create fish
Done
c:\> Create fowl

Done
c:\> Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every
winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 8.
c:\> Create cattle
Done
c:\> Create creepy_things
Done
c:\> Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\> Create man
Done
c:\> Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of
the air and over every living thing that creepeth on the earth
Too many operands. Try again.

c:\> Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors ...
c:\> Insert breath
Execution terminated. 5 errors...

c:\> Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\> Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\> Run muliplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors...
c:\> Copy woman from man
Done
c:\> Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\> Create desire
Done

c:\> Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 error

c:\> Create freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\> Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created

c:\> Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help

c:\> Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help

c:\> Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors

c:\> Create good, evil
Done

c:\> Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors

c:\> Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.

c:\> Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated

c:\> Destroy freewill
Freewill is an accessible file and cannot be destroyed
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help

c:\> Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again

c:\> Break
c:\> Break
c:\> Break

>
ATTENTION ALL USERS***ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE
AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES,
PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:\> Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space.
You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:\> Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm

COMPUTER DOWN***COMPUTER DOWN.
SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6

On March 8, God created the Macintosh.

[Stebbi]

Originally posted by unclefester@Jun 30 2004, 09:07 PM
There was a Turk a German and a Greek travelling with an airplane around Europe. When the plane was flying over Germany the German thows a beercan and says
German:Hail to Germany and its great beers!
When they plane was flying over Turkey the Turk throws a knife and says
Turk:Hail to Turkey and its elaborate knives
Finally when the plane was flying over Greece the Greek threw a pack of explosives and said
Greek: Hail to greece and its great explosives
When the German went home he found his mother weeping and asked what had happened. His mother told him that a beercan landed on his father's head and knocked him dead.
When the Turk arrived at his home he also saw his mother crying and ask why she was crying. His mother told him that a knife landed on his father's head and pierced his skull
When the greek went home he saw his mother laughing.
Greek: Why are you laughing ?
Greek's Mother: Your father farted and the house fell apart!!!


I really hope you liked it. It is very popular in my town
wow i haven't heard that one since i was like 6 years old:D

[Stebbi]

Originally posted by Kiddiarni@Jul 4 2004, 10:29 PM
Well this one is really weird...

http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?bo...51208&f_id=1034 (http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?box_id=51208&f_id=1034)

And this one is SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUPER COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?bo...=51208&f_id=955 (http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?box_id=51208&f_id=955)

And for those of u who know "Badger Badger" this one is nerdish

http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?bo...=51208&f_id=959 (http://www.hugi.is/hahradi/bigboxes.php?box_id=51208&f_id=959)
kiddiarni are you from iceland as Kristjan árni?

[A. J. Raffles]

As far as I know Kiddiarni is banned, actually. But I believe he's from Iceland.

[Sebatianos]

How to make Ice-cream:

[eolsunder]

3 cute girls were tanning on the beach. One was bored and was playing in the sand with her feet when she uncovered a genie bottle. Rubbing the bottle, they released a genie.

" I WILL GRANT YOU EACH ONE WISH"

The first girl thought for a second, then said "I want to be 10x smarter than I am now."

"DONE! YOU ARE NOW SMARTER!"

The first girl smiled and walked down the beach, quoting advanced mathmatical formulas and linear equasions.

The 2nd girl thought for a second, then said "I want to be 100x smarter than I am now."

"DONE! YOU ARE NOW SMARTER!"

She smiled and wandered down the beach, quoting space-time equasions and unfocused chaos theory algorithims.

The last girl though a second, and said "I haven't even made my wish and I'm smarter than those other 2 idiots. I want to be 1000x smarter than that last girl."

"DONE!" said the Genie, "YOU ARE NOW A MAN!"



<hehe, gets all the girls mad at the party>

[eolsunder]

What did the dumb blonde say after sex...

"So, all you guys on the same team or what."

How does a dumb blonde turn on the light after sex.

She opens the car door


Two blondes were in the back of a pickup truck when it lost control and plunged into a lake. Poor girls drowned, they couldn't get the back hatch open.


A blonde walks into a bar.........(open the door next time stupid)

A blonde decided to dye her hair so people wouldn't make dumb blonde jokes about her any more. She dyed her hair.....yep...blonde.

[Sebatianos]

I know I wrote this joke here before, but:

What's the difference between a Yankee and Dixie blonde?

Yankee blonde says: You can!
Dixie blonde says: Y'all can!

[BeefontheBone]

Has this turned into the wrost jokes thread again? Surely we can do better than crappy blonde jokes?

[blastradius14]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 1 2005, 12:15 PM
And here's another:
Heheheh.

3 cute girls were tanning on the beach. One was bored and was playing in the sand with her feet when she uncovered a genie bottle. Rubbing the bottle, they released a genie.

" I WILL GRANT YOU EACH ONE WISH"

The first girl thought for a second, then said "I want to be 10x smarter than I am now."

"DONE! YOU ARE NOW SMARTER!"

The first girl smiled and walked down the beach, quoting advanced mathmatical formulas and linear equasions.

The 2nd girl thought for a second, then said "I want to be 100x smarter than I am now."

"DONE! YOU ARE NOW SMARTER!"

She smiled and wandered down the beach, quoting space-time equasions and unfocused chaos theory algorithims.

The last girl though a second, and said "I haven't even made my wish and I'm smarter than those other 2 idiots. I want to be 1000x smarter than that last girl."

"DONE!" said the Genie, "YOU ARE NOW A MAN!"

It doesn't work that way... cause the girl that changed to a guy would be ugly as sh*t. Not to mention this is the opposite (and less funny) than the one I posted earlier.

[eolsunder]

why does Michael Jackson like twently eight year olds..



because there are twenty of them.



Jesus and Moses go golfing one day.

Jesus is on the 9th hole, and its on a island in a lake. He looks at it a second

"Moses, hand me a 9 iron"
"Jesus, I think you want to use a 7 iron, the 9 won't do it"
"Listen, " Jesus says, "I can make this. I've seen Tiger Woods make this exact same shot with a 9 iron, if he can do it I sure know I can".

Moses hands him the 9 iron, and Jesus hits the ball, but its short and lands in the water.

"Moses, be a friend and go get the ball back would you?" Jesus asks.

Moses parts the water and walks out and gets the ball. When he comes back Jesus goes to hit. Again, he uses the 9 iron.

Moses looks at him "I told you it won't work, use this 7 iron."

"And I told you that I can make it. Tiger Woods does it all the time with a 9 iron and I am JESUS! I for one can do the same thing." Of course, Jesus hits the ball short again into the water.

"MMmm Moses? Can you go get that for me again?"

Moses looks at him "No way, You go get it yourself, I warned you twice already."

So Jesus drops his clubs and goes walking out on the water, looking down for his ball. Another group comes up to the hole and sees him out walking on the water. One guy turns to Moses and says "What the hell is going on, whats he doing. Does he think hes Jesus Christ or something?"

"Na. He thinks hes Tiger Woods."

[Xikarita]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 4 2005, 06:47 PM
I know I wrote this joke here before, but:

What's the difference between a Yankee and Dixie blonde?

Yankee blonde says: You can!
Dixie blonde says: Y'all can!


Feeling sexist, are we? :bleh:


****How men and women change the oil:*******

Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since
the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
maintained vehicle.

Money Spent:
$20.00 Oil Change
$1.00 Coffee
----------------
$21.00 Total

Men:

1. Go to auto parts store and write a
check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand
cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container
is full. Instead of taking it back to recycle, dump in hole
in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking
for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in
process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it
off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change
tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath
car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of
clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of
fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
December (1992) in the left breast.

32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the
influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail. Get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to
match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
---------------------------
$1337 Total


How's that for retaliation? :D :whistle:

[blastradius14]

Geez. At least I'm not that stupid. I don't drink beer :roflol:

[troop18546]

You may have seen this Xikarita... :whistle:

[Toxik]

this is SO true..

[troop18546]

Indeed.

[allyfaucet]

LOL
good one!

I don't do this very much, but when I go to the mall or something with Reamus....HE'S the one who drags me through all the stores :bleh:

[blastradius14]

Is he the one with the wallet?

The victor writes the history books.
The genius writes the science books.
The one with the wallet buys the goods.

So who, and with what, can write the books of love :P

[Wika_woo]

That micheal jackson joke is sooooo damn funny! LOL :roflol:

I agree with the whole GAP thing.. :ok: :roflol:

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by allyfaucet@Sep 6 2005, 09:47 AM
LOL
good one!

I don't do this very much, but when I go to the mall or something with Reamus....HE'S the one who drags me through all the stores :bleh:
...not true! You're a liar! I never do that! NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER :ranting: <-- that's as close to a tantrum as I could get.


Ok Ok, so maybe sometimes I do, but come on! Who could RESIST Express for Men, Banana Republic, GAP, and the many other wonderous stores whose clothes scream "Come here Reamus...let us make you look handsome and fabulous!"

[Blood-Pigggy]

Um, you look for clothes?
I usually just go into the nearest one, see if it has any good clothing, then buy them.
Only stores I take forever in are those Macy's and Strawbridges.

HELP! I CAN'T FIND THE WAY OUT! I'VE BEEN STUCK IN HERE FOR 2 WEEKS, USING THE PC IN THE LOBBY!
Those things are like dungeons.

[TheChosen]

A fantasy joke:

Why cant headless drive carts?
Because they drive headlessly! LOL

[ReamusLQ]

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

[Sebatianos]

Hmm...
Reamus, I guess what you're trying to say is, that she can't drive, because her egoistic husband smashed the car and it's in the repair shop right now :bleh:

Adam: God, why did you have to make Eve so beautiful?
God: So you'd fall in love with her.
Adam: Then why did you have to make her so stupid?
God: Because otherwise she couldn't fall in love with you!

[troop18546]

Damn thats funny... LOL

[Stebbi]

HAHAH :D LOL

[Wika_woo]

LOL... 2 funny! LOL :ok:

[allyfaucet]

Originally posted by ReamusLQ@Sep 7 2005, 02:06 PM
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.
:O!
You stole my joke! :bleh:

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by allyfaucet+Sep 7 2005, 07:25 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (allyfaucet @ Sep 7 2005, 07:25 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-ReamusLQ@Sep 7 2005, 02:06 PM
Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.
:O!
You stole my joke! :bleh: [/b][/quote]
did not, I heard that LONG before you told it to me!

Pickup line Comebacks!

Man: “Haven’t we met before?”
Woman: “Perhaps. I’m the receptionist at the VD Clinic.”

Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: “Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”

Man: “Is this seat empty?”
Woman: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”

Man: “So, wanna go back to my place ?”
Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?”

Man: “Your place or mine?”
Woman: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”

Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”

Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”

Man: “So what do you do for a living?”
Woman: “I’m a female impersonator.”

Man: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”
Woman: “Do not Enter”

Man: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?”
Woman: “Unfertilized !”

Man: “Hey, come on, we’re both here at this bar for the same reason”
Woman: “Yeah! Let’s pick up some girls!”

Man: “I know how to please a woman.”
Woman: “Then please leave me alone.”

Man: “I want to give myself to you.”
Woman: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”

Man: “If I could see you naked, I’d die happy:
Woman: “Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing”.

Man: “Your body is like a temple.”
Woman: “Sorry, there are no services today.”

Man: “I’d go through anything for you.”
Woman: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”

Man: “I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: “Yes, but would you stay there?

[allyfaucet]

LOL I'll have to use some of those on you sometime...

[ReamusLQ]

Oh come on! Give me SOME credit! I am too smooth and have too much respect for girls than to use some stupid pickup line.

[allyfaucet]

Benefits of Being Female (aside from the obvious one :angel: )

* We got off the Titanic first.
* We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
* When we buy a vibrator, it's sexy. When men buy a blow-up doll, it's pathetic.
* Our boyfriends' clothes look elfin and gorgeous on us -- guys look like complete idiots in ours.
* We can be groupies.
* Male groupies are stalkers.
* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
* Taxis stop for us.
* Men die sooner, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
* Free drinks.
* Free dinners.
* We can hug our friends without wondering if they think we're gay.
* We know the truth about whether size matters.
* New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
* Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.
* It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower. * We don't fart to amuse ourselves.
* If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
* We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her behind.
* If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
* We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
* We have the ability to dress ourselves.
* We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
* We have an excuse to be totally cranky at least once a month.
* We can talk to people of the opposite sex without automatically picturing them naked.
* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
* Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
* There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
* Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
* We'll never regret piercing our ears.
* We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
* We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by allyfaucet@Sep 8 2005, 07:54 AM
Benefits of Being Female (aside from the obvious one :angel: )

* We got off the Titanic first.
Well I'd comment on the others too, but this one is tto good to be true...

I have an old German silent movie that tells the real story of the Titanic sinking!!!

Here's the story:
The Titanic is transporting a sarcofagus with an Egyptian mumy from Kairo to New York. But a couple of young lovers are making out on it and one (don't remember which one) gets cut by a thorn on the rose. The blood awakes the mumy and it turns all the male pasanger into zombies. So to stop the zombies the women aboard the ship sink the Titanic by deliberatly hitting an iceberg!
The last scene you can see is the iceberg and a woman navigating the ship directly towards it!

Unfortunately I haven't the entire thing - the begining is missing, so I don't know the exact title, but I can conver this scene into an AVI file and post it (I'm sure it would probably be legal as well, because the movie is probably so ols it's not copyright protected anymore).

[ReamusLQ]

Originally posted by allyfaucet@Sep 7 2005, 10:54 PM
Benefits of Being Female (aside from the obvious one :angel: )

* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

that doesn't apply to all girls... :whistle: (interpret that as you will

[blastradius14]

That's one reason I don't dance. The other is I don't know how anyway LOL

But seriously, I don't have a problem with any of those things. You want to wear my clothes just go right ahead :bleh:

[Fruit Pie Jones]

Originally posted by ReamusLQ+Sep 8 2005, 08:14 AM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (ReamusLQ @ Sep 8 2005, 08:14 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>******QuoteBegin-allyfaucet@Sep 7 2005, 10:54 PM
* We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

that doesn't apply to all girls... :whistle: (interpret that as you will[/b][/quote]
Yeah, let's not forget the Elaine Dance from that Seinfeld episode. This isn't the best pic of it, but anyone who's seen the episode knows what I'm talking about.

[a1s]

those who know, have seen it allready, and the rest of us have no clue as to what you are talking about, why don't you post a small movie of it?

[Fruit Pie Jones]

I haven't found one, just a couple of stills. I'll see what I can turn up, though.

[eolsunder]

"* We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game. "

Obviously you never visited the FF boards and saw all the girls posts on "Tidus is so cute" or " Who is sexiest man in all the Final fantasy games" hehe.

"* If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. "

True, but the thing is, if we marry someone 20 years younger, WE DON"T CARE! if we look like a idiot. ha. Women don't seem to understand that, we only care that she's 20 years old instead of 40. <grin>

[Blood-Pigggy]

Can we please stop with the sexist jokes?

[Havell]

Originally posted by Blood-Pigggy@Sep 8 2005, 09:13 PM
Can we please stop with the sexist jokes?
No. :bleh:

As owned of this thread and a mod here I give permission for any manner of sexist, racist (to an extent) and obscene jokes. I'm considering putting a warning on this to warn of jokes about taboo things.

[Blood-Pigggy]

But it's offensive.
I don't care if they're jokes, can't we just get to ordinary jokes?

[Havell]

Originally posted by Blood-Pigggy@Sep 8 2005, 09:18 PM
But it's offensive.
I don't care if they're jokes, can't we just get to ordinary jokes?
I don't mean that jokes here have to be offensive but (possibly) offensive jokes are by no means banned.
And Pigggy, if you want an "ordinary" joke, then tell one!

[Blood-Pigggy]

The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

[Blood-Pigggy]

Dumb Alabama Laws
# It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

# Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.


# You may not drive barefooted.

# It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

# It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

# Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

# Masks may not be worn in public.

# Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

# Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

# Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

# It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

# Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

# Incestous marriages are legal.

# It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

# You must have windshield wipers on your car.

# You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Anniston
# You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Jasper
# It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

Lee County
# It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile
# It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.

# It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

Montgomery
# It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

I HAD to put this up. :D

Arizona Crazy Law
# You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

# Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
# There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

# When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.

# Hunting camels is prohibited.

# Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

# It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

Glendale
# Cars may not be driven in reverse.

Globe
# Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

Hayden
# If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

Maricopa County
# No more than six girls may live in any house.

Mesa
# It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

Mohave County
# A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

Nogales
# An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

Prescott
# No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

Tucson
# Women may not wear pants.

Tombstone
# It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Arkansas Crazy Law
# A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

# A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.

# Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

# The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

# Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"

# A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.

Fayetteville
# Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.

# It is illegal to kill "any living creature".

# It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

# No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54

# Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

California Crazy Law
# Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

# Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

# Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

# Bathhouses are against the law.

# In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

# No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

# Women may not drive in a house coat.

# It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Arcadia
# Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra
# You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park
# Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere
# City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe
# You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame
# It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel
# Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

# Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico
# Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Downey
# It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood
# It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette
# You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi
# It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc
# It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach
# It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

# Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles
# Toads may not be licked.

# You may not hunt moths under a street light.

# It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

# You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

# Zoot suits are prohibited.

# It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

# It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Ontario
# Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove
# Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs
# It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena
# It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale
# Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands
# Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside
# One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego
# The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

# It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco
# Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

# Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

# It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

# It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

San Jose
# It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica
# You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula
# Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

[allyfaucet]

:eeeeeh: you've got to think that something HAD to happen to pass these laws. I can only imagine what...

Hey! There's one for San Jose! That's where I live! :D
And I have 1 cat and 1 dog, so I'm ok!

[Sebatianos]

Nah, back to jokes.

A president (beore you Americans jump the gun - I said a president, it could be of any country) comes down the street and sees a little boy pileing up some shi-t <--spelled this way because of the word filter...
President asks outraged: "What are you doing boy?"
Boy: "A lawyer!"
President: "Come, come, that's not nice!"
Boy: "I would have made you, but I haven't enough shi-t!"

[A. J. Raffles]

Hmm, I think I remember a very similar one from a film called 1919. The only real joke in that film was Colin Firth, though.

[Fruit Pie Jones]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 9 2005, 04:27 AM
President asks outraged: "What are you doing boy?"
Boy: "A lawyer!"

Wouldn't "What are you making..." make more sense? As it is, it's comical, but perhaps not for the reason that you intended!

[TheChosen]

Heres a wierd joke......

A man went to the store. RUUVIMEISSELI

[Toxik]

those are jokes that arent jokes at all but for some reason,they are funny..
heres another one
a cow is sitting on a branch knitting a coffee.another cow flies by,and askesWhats the time?the first cow pulls a thermometer from her pocket,looks at it and says:thursday
the second cow says: nevermind,i dont have anything to cook with

[allyfaucet]

:blink: :eeeeeh:
ok...

[TheChosen]

Originally posted by Toxik@Sep 9 2005, 02:40 PM
those are jokes that arent jokes at all but for some reason,they are funny..
heres another one
a cow is sitting on a branch knitting a coffee.another cow flies by,and askesWhats the time?the first cow pulls a thermometer from her pocket,looks at it and says:thursday
the second cow says: nevermind,i dont have anything to cook with
*Laughs hysterically*
LOL LOL LOL LOL

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Fruit Pie Jones+Sep 9 2005, 04:02 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Fruit Pie Jones @ Sep 9 2005, 04:02 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Sebatianos@Sep 9 2005, 04:27 AM
President asks outraged: "What are you doing boy?"
Boy: "A lawyer!"

Wouldn't "What are you making..." make more sense? As it is, it's comical, but perhaps not for the reason that you intended! [/b][/quote]
You're right - it would make more sense, but I was just quickly translating it into english - and there is an ambiguous verb that's used here that means both doing/making (should have payed more attention).

[troop18546]

Originally posted by Toxik@Sep 9 2005, 04:40 PM

A cow is sitting on a branch knitting a coffee. Another cow flies by, and asks: Whats the time? The first cow pulls a thermometer from her pocket, looks at it and says: Thursday.
The second cow says: Nevermind,i dont have anything to cook with.
Joke of the day. LOL

[Unknown Hero]

Sky news after WTC crash:
(read the message cerafully!)

[Danny252]

Oh, come on. Ive even quoted the thread where that was posted.

[Xikarita]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero@Sep 18 2005, 06:59 PM
Sky news after WTC crash:
(read the message cerafully!)
LMAO :D

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero@Sep 18 2005, 07:59 PM
Sky news after WTC crash:
(read the message cerafully!)
10 points for originality???
Hero - we already did this HERE (http://www.abandonia.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=7459&view=findpost&p=153994)!

Anyway - let's go on.

A little boy comes home all wet and his mother asks: What Happened?
The boy answeres: We had dog races!
Then the mother snifs the boy and says: But that doesn't smell like sweat. Smells more like piss!
Boy: I know. The last one had to play the tree! :ranting:

[TheChosen]

Boy joke:

Three boys were sented to the principal:

Principal to boy 1: Okay, what did you do?
Boy 1: I threw the stone in the river
Principal: Thats nothing. (To boy 2) And what did you do?
Boy 2:I also threw stone in the river.
Principal: Thats nothing. (To boy 3) Let me guess,you also threw stone in the river?
Boy 3:No. Im Mark Stone.

LOL

[Toxik]

Little boy is standing on the edge of a cliff,crying.
Man notices him and says:why are you crying?
Boy:my bread fell down there
Man:it was with butter,hm?
Boy:No with my mother

[Sebatianos]

Daddy was driving a car and he sees an cat at the side of the road. "Should I run it over?" The kids shout: "YEAH!" Wroom - no more kitty. Next he sees an elderly woman crossing the road and now mum says "Oh go on dear - hit her!" Wroom - no more old lady. But the blood did cover the entire windshield. So ded stops the car and asks mum to go and wipe the blood off, which she does. But while she's wiping the blood off - the kids say: "Run the bitch over!" WROOM... and the children start to :cry:
"Stop your whining - I'll get you a new mum!"
"But when you run the next one over - make sure she cleans the windshield first - we didn't get to see how this one died!"

[Blood-Pigggy]

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?

Shut up and get back in the oven.

Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?

Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!

Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?

Shut up and get back in the oven!

Mommy, Mommy! But I don't wanna eat pizza!

Shut up and get in the oven!

[TheChosen]

Mommy! Mommy! When do we get that swimming pool?

Shut up and keep spitting!

[Sebatianos]

There once was a man who had three daughters: Betty, Flo and Luck and they had a date on the same night.
First date shows up at the door and says: Hi, my name is Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty and take her for spagetti. Is she ready?
And the father called for Betty.
When the door bell rang for the second time a boy said: Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo and take her to a show. Is she ready to go?
And the father went in to tell Flo her date is waiting for her.
At last the door rang for the third time and a young man said: Hello, my name is Chuck...
And the father pulled out his shotgun :rifle:

[RedHeadSebbe]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 20 2005, 03:17 PM
There once was a man who had three daughters: Betty, Flo and Luck and they had a date on the same night.
First date shows up at the door and says: Hi, my name is Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty and take her for spagetti. Is she ready?
And the father called for Betty.
When the door bell rang for the second time a boy said: Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo and take her to a show. Is she ready to go?
And the father went in to tell Flo her date is waiting for her.
At last the door rang for the third time and a young man said: Hello, my name is Chuck...
And the father pulled out his shotgun :rifle:
??? :blink:

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by RedHeadSebbe@Sep 20 2005, 03:18 PM
??? :blink:
The names rhymed with what they planed to do that night...
So what could rhyme with Chuck and Luck???

[Frodo]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 20 2005, 01:19 PM

The names rhymed with what they planed to do that night...
So what could rhyme with Chuck and Luck???
Maybe they are going to see some ducks? :angel: :whistle:

[RedHeadSebbe]

Originally posted by Sebatianos+Sep 20 2005, 03:19 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Sebatianos @ Sep 20 2005, 03:19 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-RedHeadSebbe@Sep 20 2005, 03:18 PM
??? :blink:
The names rhymed with what they planed to do that night...
So what could rhyme with Chuck and Luck??? [/b][/quote]
Oh :ok: Now i get it......... Maybe we can blame it all on that i am Swedish..Right

[Havell]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb", another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

Three to tell a funny story about their show dog and a light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Sebatianos]

The teacher in a kindergarden talked to the children what they did over the weekend.
A little girl said: I went on a choo-choo ride with my daddy.
Teacher: That's nice, but try to use a grown-up word instead and say - a train ride.
Another little girl: We went to visit nana.
Teacher: That's nice, but try to use a grown-up word instead and say - grandmother.
A little boy: I read a book!
Teacher: Really? Which one?
The little boy -trying to make a deep grown up voice: Winny the S*h*i*t!

[Blood-Pigggy]

Haha! Beautiful.

[Tulac]

Sorry for spamming, but :roflol:

[TheChosen]

Originally posted by R Havell@Sep 25 2005, 03:26 PM
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb", another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

Three to tell a funny story about their show dog and a light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
:roflol:
*clears tears* That was one of the best jokes ive ever heard.

[PrejudiceSucks]

Originally posted by TheChosen+Sep 27 2005, 01:55 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (TheChosen @ Sep 27 2005, 01:55 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-R Havell@Sep 25 2005, 03:26 PM
How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

Fourteen to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

Seven to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

Seven more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

Five to flame the spell checkers.

Three to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb", another six to condemn those six as stupid.

Fifteen to claim experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

Nineteen to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb (or light bulb) forum.

Eleven to defend the posting to the group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this group.

Thirty-six to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

Seven to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

Four to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL.

Three to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

Thirteen to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

Five to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

Four to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

Thirteen to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

Three to tell a funny story about their show dog and a light bulb.

AND

One group lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
:roflol:
*clears tears* That was one of the best jokes ive ever heard. [/b][/quote]
Me too!

Oh... wait....

Urmmm...

I have a joke of some sort or another :

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To see its flat-mate!

[Sebatianos]

I really feel sory for all of you, who won't be able to understand this joke - but it really can't be translated (but it's too good to keep to ones self).

Dvije plavuši razgovaraju:
Jesi li ti Jasmina?
Nisam. Jasmin je mene!

[troop18546]

Well, a little translation could help us understand. :whistle: So uhh...

[Dino]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 27 2005, 04:57 PM
Dvije plavuši razgovaraju:
Jesi li ti Jasmina?
Nisam. Jasmin je mene!
Hahaha! :roflol: That was great! *wipes tears* ... just great... Thanx, Seb!

Oh, and it couldn't be translated. It wouldn't make any sense. :(

[troop18546]

I understand the first two lines, but what does "Jasmin je mene'' mean? :blink:

[Sebatianos]

OK - I'll explain it (a translation wouldn't work):

Two blondes were talking.
"Are you Jasmina?" Jasmina could be either a womans name in the nominative case - or a man's name Jasmin in dative case (grammar). Meaning - Did you do a guy by the name of Jasmin!
"No, Jasmin did me." - I guess that last part could make sense now.

So the question would be - Are you that girl?
The answer - No, that boy "did" (sexually) me.
But it would work in the original language - not in the translation.

[troop18546]

Still funny though :P

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 27 2005, 05:57 PM
I really feel sory for all of you, who won't be able to understand this joke - but it really can't be translated (but it's too good to keep to ones self).

Dvije plavuši razgovaraju:
Jesi li ti Jasmina?
Nisam. Jasmin je mene!
What benefits we Croatians have! :angel: :angel: :angel:

[blastradius14]

Never break the bulb with your fingers while it is lit...


What do you call a blonde with four braincells? Pregnant with triplets.

[Hadiel]

-What do you call a intelligent blonde?

A golden retriever...

-How many ping-pong Balls should a crocodile eat to make a fish swim faster then a lawnmower?

521, First street left, ring bell in Germany...

-It's yellow and you can stand on top of it...

A small chick

-It's yellow and if you get it in your eye you'll be dead...

A train...

-It's yellow and if you eat it you'll have a bad stomach ache for 2 weeks...

A bulldozer / CAT

-3 Construction workers are having a break... they open their lunch box and the first guy starts yelling "GAWDDAMMIT!!! CHEESE! I HATE CHEESE! IF I GET CHEESE AGAIN TOMORROW I'LL JUMP DOWN!" Then the second guy starts yelling "LIVER!!! I HATE LIVER! IF I GET LIVER AGAIN I'LL JUMP DOWN!" And the third guy: "SPRINKLES! I HATE SPRINKLES! IF I GET SPRINKLES AGAIN I'LL COMMIT SUICIDE TOO"... The next day, the workers have worked hard again all day long... When the break starts they open their lunchboxes again and (surprise!) They've got the same thing again... They all jump down and die a gruesome death... 2 Weeks later a funeral is held... the widows are alll present but one of them stands there saying, "I don't understand... I don't understand..." So after the funeral the 2 widows go to the "wondering-why-widow" and ask her what she did not understand... "Well.." she says "He allways prepped (prepared) his own lunchbox...."

Whahaha (or maybe not... it's up to you...)

[TheChosen]

What benefits we Croatians have!* :angel:* :angel:* :angel:

Ha! Finnish people also have benefits!

Heres a joke in finnish:

Kaksi majavaa syömässä lounasta:
Majava1 (Avatessaan lounas laatikkoa):Vaimoni aina hemmottelee minua.
Majava2:Mitenkä niin?
Majava1 (Vetää narun laatikosta):Hän syöttää minulle aina pajunköyttä!

LOL

[a1s]

ну коль пошла ткакя пьянка, дайте и я что нибудь расскажу:
(here is a joke in russian, offcourse completely untranslateble)
сидят два нарика, разговаривают:
-ну что будем делать?
-на рыбалку пойдем.
-не... клева не будет.
-почему?!
-патамушта клева была вчера!

[Sebatianos]

Very funny - so it was yesterday...

I think it could be at least explained (I did my best with that one).

Please (I know I probably started this), but keep this clean. If you write a joke in your native language (I didn't :sneaky: ) you should at least try to explain it - even if it can't be translated.

[a1s]

first of all,
клёв (klov)- is when the fish are biting the hook (which is to say the general time when they do it alot, not the precise moment of biting)
клёво (klovo) -is a slang word of "cool" or "great" or it could mean to have a good time.

two drugies are talking:
-what shall we do today?
-lets go fishing.
-no, there will be no klov (incidentaly, in this form it sounds just like klevo).
-why?!
-becouse it was klovo yesterday!

[Sebatianos]

Thanks for the explenation :ok:

Now here's one (NOT FOR LITTLE CHILDREN):

Mum, what's edipus' complex?
Shut up and keep licking!

[Blood-Pigggy]

Hey, I had a few of those too.

[Fruit Pie Jones]

Shut up and keep licking!
:sick:
I can't even think of another joke after that.

[Tulac]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 29 2005, 10:20 PM
Thanks for the explenation :ok:

Now here's one (NOT FOR LITTLE CHILDREN):

Mum, what's edipus' complex?
Shut up and keep licking!
You already posted a lot of jokes of this type in this topic, you're suspicious... :evil:

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Tulac@Sep 29 2005, 10:31 PM
You already posted a lot of jokes of this type in this topic, you're suspicious... :evil:
Yes mother... :bleh:

Here's another one (cleaner this time - but not much):
There was a truck driver by the name of James and his moto was - I screw all the dames! And he was driving along the highway, when he sees a nun hitchhiking. He stops and says:
"I can give you a lift sister, but I must warn you - I'm driver James and screw all the dames."
The nun gets in the truck and says nothing. After a while James stops the truck and says:
"Now I'll show you why I'm driver James who screws all the dames."
The nun gets somewhat worried, seeing who she's about to get raped, so she asks a favour:
"Well they mustn't find out, I'm not a virgin anymore. Can you do me anally?"
James does this little favour for her and after he's done he says:
"You see now that I'm really driver James, who screws all the dames?"
And the nun replies:
"Allow me to introduce my self. I'm homo Stan, who dreses up like a nun."

Works better in Slovene, the names rhyme (peder Bruno, ki se oblači v nuno).

[Sameeralord]

Here is a Bush Joke,

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..." :ok:

[troop18546]

LOL

[Sameeralord]

-Post deleted by me-

[troop18546]

This ain't funny (maybe not at the moment). :whistle:

[Dino]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 29 2005, 09:49 PM
Works better in Slovene, the names rhyme (peder Bruno, ki se oblači v nuno).
That was great! LOL

I'm trying to think of suitable Croatian version of that one...

[Sameeralord]

Originally posted by troop18546@Sep 30 2005, 02:16 PM
This ain't funny (maybe not at the moment). :whistle:
Yeah you are right the situation is really sad but I just posted that picture to show what Bush has done for hurricanes. Anyways I'll delete that post it it not that funny when you think of the people who died.

[Stebbi]

Originally posted by Puffin@Sep 2 2004, 09:01 PM
Well... maybe.....

There were two tomatoes crossing a street.....
then a car chrashes one of them!
Then the other tomatoe shouted: "Hurry up, tomato-sauce!"


HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA :w00t:
HAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA......
HAHAHAHA.........
HAHA......
....HA....

B)
haha that one is a classic but in english i think it is like this
two tomatoes were crossing a street when a car hit the other tomato.....and the other tomatoe yells hey Ketchup

[Tulac]

Originally posted by Unknown Hero@Sep 28 2005, 08:47 PM
What benefits we Croatians have! :angel: :angel: :angel:
Don't forget about these ;)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE CROATIAN WHEN

All meals your parents have ever prepared contain one
key ingredient "Vegeta"

You were still in elementary school the first time
you got drunk

You are never ever allowed to sit by an open window
for fear of catching pneumonia from the "propuh" (even
in the middle of summer)

There is a bar in your church hall that contains a 2
year supply of Brandy

You insist that you can spot a Serb from a mile away

The use of vulgar language at home is unacceptable,
unless it is Croatian

English words are acceptable if used with the ending
"A-T-I" which makes them Croatian..."play-ati",
"study-ati"

Your Dida mowes the lawn in knee high black socks and
sandals

Your Dida has a shot of Rakija for breakfast

At least one family member makes his own wine

"Sljivovica" is used not only to celebrate at all
occasions, but to cure illness and as a massage lotion
as well

At the age of 13, you are allowed to go out of town
with your friends for Croatian soccer tournaments,
folklore festivals and dances

Your parents were at the function where you got drunk

The majority of your friends are also your relatives,
even if they aren't your relatives, you refer to their
parents as "Teta" and "Striko"

You are the only kid in your class who doesn't get to
sleep in on Saturdays because of "Hrvatska Skola"

"Kuhace" are not only used for stirring when
cooking...they are also used by Mama to beat you when
there is no "siba" handy

At least once before you've told your parents that
you'll call the police to report "child abuse" and
your parents said "Samo probaj"

Mama beat you in public on at least one occasion

When leaving the house to go out, you always receive
the same warnings(regardless of age): -"Pazi sta
radis", "Pamet u glavu", "Nemoj me sramotit", "Nemoj
da ja sta cujem"

Sadly, if something actually does happen, somehow
Mama will know before you make it home

Mama gets pissed off at you for bringing home
McDonalds saying, "sta ce ti taj junk?"

Your parents insist that you'll end up a nobody if
you don't graduate from "fakultet"

Lunch on sundays have more courses than Amerikanci
have for Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner

You know that in addition to fruit flavoured Jello,
that gelatin can also be prepared with pigs feet

You love "pasteta", but don't like bringing it to
school or work for lunch because you'd be embarassed
if someone asked you what it was

There is a slab of fat in your fridge called SLANINA

Your mother washes the dishes before putting them in
the dishwasher

Vegetarianism is not a concept your parents
understand

All other action stops when you hear people speaking
Serbian in a store somewhere and your mom starts to
talk to you in english so that the serbian people
won't find out you speak "their" language and start
trying to be your friend.

You have at least one short-wave radio in your house

You smell garlic on the old man's breath behind you
sitting on the klupa in church on Sunday mornings

You live with your parents until you are married

Mama thinks that whenever you get sick it's because
you didn't eat enough

When upset, it isn't unusual for Tata to send you "u
pizdu materinu"

Baba and Dida wear at least 3 layers of clothing in
all seasons

Dida and/or Baka spits into a napkin at the dinner
table

Your parents turn the channel when there is a kissing
scene

Dida & Baka insist you are quiet while he watches the
news even though he doesn't understand a single word
they're saying. Regardless of the fact he doesn't
understand what they're saying, he knows more about
what's going on in the world than you do

You never got the "Birds and the Bees" talk from Mama
and Tata as you were growing up

Whenever your parents said "vidit cemo" you knew that
it meant "NO!"

Everything that goes wrong in the world can somehow
be traced back to Serbs

Your cousin in Croatia who calls you to send him
money had a cell phone before you and wears only name
brand clothing

Your relatives in Croatia think it's strange if you
are not married by the age of 18

You are only allowed to vacation in the homeland

You are only allowed to speak Croatian at home

You have 17 consenants in your name and only 2 vowels

Your 13 yr old sister can out drink any Amerikanac

You cringe when you hear the word BATINE and hide

Your parents still prefer buying cassete's over cd's

No one can pronounce your last name and every kid on
the block has a nickname for it

A CROATIAN wedding consists of a minimum of 1000
people, 2/3 of which you dont even know

......You're still laughing your behind off cause u know
every single one of these are true!!!!!

[Danny252]

well, Im definately not croatian.
Except maybe the part where Serbians are the cause of everything wrong in the world.

[Unknown Hero]

Originally posted by Tulac+Oct 2 2005, 09:05 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Tulac @ Oct 2 2005, 09:05 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-Unknown Hero@Sep 28 2005, 08:47 PM
What benefits we Croatians have! :angel:* :angel:* :angel:
Don't forget about these ;)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE CROATIAN WHEN

Enormous list follows
[/b][/quote]
Let's say these match my case. :ok: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r:

Please people, don't quote huge posts in their entirity if you've only got a little comment to add. Think of all the mouse wheels you're wearing out! - Havell

[a1s]

Originally posted by R Havel+Oct 2 2005, 11:50 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (R Havel @ Oct 2 2005, 11:50 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Originally posted by Tulac@Oct 2 2005, 09:05 PM
******QuoteBegin-Unknown Hero@Sep 28 2005, 08:47 PM
What benefits we Croatians have! :angel:* :angel:* :angel:
Don't forget about these ;)

YOU KNOW YOU'RE CROATIAN WHEN

Enormous list follows

Let's say these match my case. :ok: :ph34r: :ph34r: :ph34r:

Please people, don't quote huge posts in their entirity if you've only got a little comment to add. Think of all the mouse wheels you're wearing out! - Havell [/b][/quote]
it's a joke of it's own (like 100 line long sigs)

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by a1s@Oct 2 2005, 11:17 PM
it's a joke of it's own (like 100 line long sigs)
Which is sort of unwanted also...

So how do you know you're not Croatian?
1) You don't speak the language.
2) You are of different nationality.
3) You probably don't even know where Croatia is.
4) You can't find yourself on the list.
5) You don't find any cases on that list that apply to you.
6) The list provided above doesn't apply to you.
7) Your parents told you, you're of some other nationality.
8) You still can't find anything on that list that applies to you.
9) You found something on that list, that's true in your case, but you're still convinced you're not Croatian.

Sorry guys, but I love making lists :bleh:

[Danny252]

So how do you know you're not Croatian?
Ooh, list!

1) You don't speak the language.
True.

2) You are of different nationality.
Thats true, too.

3) You probably don't even know where Croatia is.
I knew where it is! I know enough Croatian people, so I have to.

4) You can't find yourself on the list
Yup.

5) You don't find any cases on that list that apply to you.
That serbia one..

6) The list provided above doesn't apply to you.
Uh, yes...

7) Your parents told you, you're of some other nationality.
I sorta knew that already..

8) You still can't find anything on that list that applies to you.
Why? WHY?!

9) You found something on that list, that's true in your case, but you're still convinced you're not Croatian.
Oh, that Serbian thing?

[Dino]

At least once before you've told your parents that
you'll call the police to report "child abuse" and
your parents said "Samo probaj"

That's great, just hillarious! LOL

When leaving the house to go out, you always receive
the same warnings(regardless of age): -"Pazi sta
radis", "Pamet u glavu", "Nemoj me sramotit", "Nemoj
da ja sta cujem"

So true!

When upset, it isn't unusual for Tata to send you "u
pizdu materinu"

O, man! :roflol:

[allyfaucet]

:eeeeeh: Definetely not Croatian :D

But there are 3 people on this forum in the Silicon Valley! :whistle:

And you know you're from the Silicon Valley when...


You call low clouds "fog" even if they're hundreds of feet off the ground.

At least once you have gone to San Francisco for the day wearing shorts and a t-shirt because it was a warm clear day in San Jose. And you froze your little *@#!% off in the fog, drizzle and wind.

You say you're from Silicon Valley because no one knows where San Jose is.

You aren't bothered much by earthquakes because you're ready for them. But the thought of tornadoes and hurricanes terrifies you.

You own a Sport Utility Vehicle and have never taken it off-road. You wouldn't know what to do if you tried. Same with all your friends.

You don't know how to drive in snow. You're a road hazard when you visit the mountains.

You know how to recognize re-sealed returned electronics at Fry's.

You don't ask the staff any questions at Fry's. You know they hire idiots and pass the savings on to you.

You think it's normal to see chip-design software or relational databases advertised on freeway billboards.

You know that California isn't just one big beach.

You know that not everyone in California surfs.

You know there's lots of skiing in California.

You know your rotating outage block number at home and at work, and listen for them whenever there are rolling blackouts.

You remember the names of the three closest cheap sushi joints, the location of all the Fry's in the area and which companies your friends work for that are going public in the next year, but don't know the name of the mayor
:max:

[TheChosen]

FBI agent is trying to defuse the bomb that terrorist have planted in a huge sky-craper. The other agent is in the lobby, giving information trought the cellphone about the bomb defusing.

FBI women(the agent who is in lobby): Come on! Cut the blue fire! We only got ten seconds left.
FBI man(the agent who is defusing the bomb): Ive always wanted to tell you something...
FBI women:What?
FBI man: Im color blind.

[Blue_bags]

:blink: Hey have u guys heard of the new type of bee thats been discovered?
No???
Boobiesss :Brain:

[Danny252]

and the point of that post is?
*reaches for 'Titan' button*

It's a joke, how good it is is irrelevant, but it's a joke and therefore has a point, more point than this post anyway. - Havell

:blink:

[TheChosen]

Did you knew that Titans name and avatar mix?

Because Titan can be spelled: Tit-an!

LOL

[Danny252]

oh, it used to be censored, so it was even worse...
forgot what it was now...

[Havell]

Originally posted by Danny252@Oct 22 2005, 09:21 PM
oh, it used to be censored, so it was even worse...
forgot what it was now...
Let's see, all the censors I can remember:

Titan -> titANUS
Kosta -> Kosta-del-sol
The Picard -> The Pizzard
Tom Henrik -> Dr. Tom

There's probably some more I forgotten, oh well (they were all lost when we moved from invision to php, probably the only bad thing to come of it).

[blastradius14]

Originally posted by allyfaucet@Oct 3 2005, 12:16 PM
You know how to recognize re-sealed returned electronics at Fry's.

You don't ask the staff any questions at Fry's. You know they hire idiots and pass the savings on to you.

You remember the names of the three closest cheap sushi joints, the location of all the Fry's in the area and which companies your friends work for that are going public in the next year, but don't know the name of the mayor
:max:
I got ya beat on this one. We got Fry's electronics in Texas too. (that and I know where san jose is... hehehehe)

I know a lot of fools who don't know what to do with sport utilites, and saying everyone in California is a surfer is like saying everyone on the east coast of Australia is a surfer...

Your list needs some better stuff hehe. I can put a cap on all of it ^_^
I am disappointed LOL

You want to know how to tell a geek from someone else? Those are they guys who stay at fry's almost all day on their day off from working at a best buy. ( for geek squad, of course; but that gives it away....)

[Sebatianos]

Time for another joke or three...

A guy was ashamed of the size of his dong, so he went to a black guy to get an advice.
"Well, us black guys don't really have longer dongs, but we use a great trick. We push it in quickly and pull it out really slow!"
The guy gets home to his wife to try this out.
"Oh honey, stop using this nigga tricks, haven't met a white guy who could do it right!"

A guy was ashamed of the size of his dong, so he went to a black guy to get an advice.
"Well, it may be because we hang weights on them..."
The guy talks about this with a friend and decides to try the method. Two weeks later that friend asks him: "Any resoult yet?"
"I think so. It's not any longet, but it's black all over."

Two women are picking cucumbers in the garden. One pulls out a really big one and says: "This one reminds me of my husband's"
"That BIG???"
"No! That dirty."

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by blastradius14@Oct 23 2005, 03:43 PM
is like saying everyone on the east coast of Australia is a surfer...
People say that?

I'm insulted.

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Iron_Scarecrow+Jan 6 2006, 01:47 AM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Iron_Scarecrow @ Jan 6 2006, 01:47 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-blastradius14@Oct 23 2005, 03:43 PM
is like saying everyone on the east coast of Australia is a surfer...
People say that?

I'm insulted. [/b][/quote]
Äustralia has an east coast? :tomato: *I thought only the inner Australia has the ocean* :bleh:

[Moppie]

K. For the best joke on earth, look at my sig. WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!!! :D

[Yobor]

I believe my self-induced ban from this thread has expired.

Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.



Whats worse than a pile of dead babies?
A live one in the middle chewing its way out.

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Yobor@Jan 7 2006, 07:09 PM
Whats worse than a pile of dead babies?
A live one in the middle chewing its way out.
Why didn't it make it?
It ate too much rotten meat and died in great agony :whistle:

[Yobor]

I shall revisit my grandfather's great joke, placed in the "horrible jokes" thread many moons ago.


After Sunday mass, a man walks up to the priest. "Father, would it be alright if I went up to the steeple and rang the bell?" Now, the priest decides to humor him, and tells him to go right ahead.
The man walks up the stairs to the steeple, and when he finally gets there, he looks at the bell, and starts ramming his face into it! He continues to do this, and after nine times, he becomes so dizzy that he slips past the bell and falls out the window to his death on the street below.
People are crowding around his body. Someone shouts out, "Who is this man?"
The priest says "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell!"

[troop18546]

That's definitely a good one. LOL

[Sebatianos]

Here's one I really like:

[Rogue]

What if Bush told the truth:

Click Here (http://cdn.moveonvoterfund.org/bi30sads/3011.mpg)

[Sebatianos]

An old woman asked: "What's that German's name?"
:eeeeeh: "What German?"
OW: "The one that's hiding stuff around my house."
:w00t: : "Altzheimer!"

LOL :tomato: LOL

[Grinder]

Sorry Seb, but that one is just lame. kinda funny, but lame.

[Master MC]

I searched for tomato and there has already been a joke with a tomato in it (do I know where?), but this one is so funny you gotta hear it!

Okay?

Ready?














Here it comes!
























Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing!
:kosta: :kosta: :kosta: :kosta: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Master MC@Feb 8 2006, 10:30 PM
Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing!
And then you dare call my jokes lame :tease:

[Grinder]

you're right about that. I got one of those, too:
What does the mayonaise say when you look in the fridge?
Shut the door, I'm dressing!

muahahaaaa

[Sebatianos]

Two zeros are walking around and see an eight.

"Those two should get a room!"

[Grinder]

Two guys are walking down the road.
One of them says: Hey man, let me walk in the middle.

I am the king of bad jokes.
Don't you take that away from me Seb :sneaky:

[Master MC]

I heard that before.
We should put Seb, you and my brother in one room.
Three kings.

How I do not want to see that !

[Grinder]

I've got a friend who's even worse than me. Let's get together sometime! :w00t:

[Master MC]

I'm sure there's always a lamer person.
It must.

[Grinder]

does your brother have msn?
Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking, Sebatianos? :sneaky:

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Grinder@Feb 8 2006, 11:17 PM
does your brother have msn?
Are you thinking the same thing I'm thinking, Sebatianos? :sneaky:
Yes! Inflicting extreme mental pain on people without a good sense of humor (like MC), by locking them all up in a room and having all the people with good jokes yell over loudspeakers thousands of excelent jokes at those poor saps in the middle.

:evil:

[Danny252]

So where would I be placed, out of interest?

[Grinder]

Depends on your humor. post a joke!

[Icewolf]

OK, let me try it!

A man comes to the doctor with a duck on his head.

Doctor:"My God, what happened to you?!" :eeeeeh:



Duck:" Dunno, used to be a pimple on my foot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111"

[Grinder]

already knew that one.
A guy comes to his doctor.
doc: I've got good news and bad news.
good news is you still got one day living left.
bad news is we've been trying to reach you since yesterday
muahahaaa

sorry, i just saw that one's on the front page :not_ok:

[Sebatianos]

A guy had hemeroids and went tot he doctor's. Doc applied some cream and told him, to come back if the hemeroids return.
Next week the guy came back, same problem.
Doc applied the cream again.
Two weeks later the guy had the hemeroid problem again.
He went to the doctors and asked if he could sell him the cream and his wife could apply it (so he wouldn't have to skip work in order to go to the doctor's).
In the evening the guy explained to the wife how to apply the cream:
"You put one hand around my waste and the other on my shoulder... Dang, what did he use to rub it in then???"
:whistle:

[Toxik]

Doctor comes to guy in hospital..
I have some good news and some bad news for you
The bad news are that you have incurable cancer
The guy,absolutely shocked,says:And the good news?
Doctor replies:You see that nice blonde nurse there?Well,Im having a date with her tonight

And now some "absolute" jokes(not to be mistaken with absolut jokes)

You know what's:
absolute slime?
Two snails making out in spit-bowl

absolute drunkeness?
when you cant even lie on the ground without somebody helping you.

absolute fat?
When you lie on the beach and greenpeace starts pulling you back to the sea.

absolute unluckiness?
when you jump out of burning plane and land directly on sinking ship.

[a1s]

I have remebered a joke (about artifical intelegence), hope it hasn't been told yet:
the americans have buildt a giant super computer to help them in their military operations. the head general sak it:
"should we be on offence or defence?"
the computer thinks fro two hours and answers:
>yes.
"yes what?" asks the general
the computer thinks for one more hour ands answers:
>yes, sir!

[Himmler]

the basis of socialist democracy:God created the woman and said:
-Adam, pick a wife!

some night the husband and the wife come home from a wedding.climbing the stairs behind her he tells his wife:
-homey your a*s is the size of a washing machine
At night he tells her he wants to have sex
- for such a small clothing i won't start up my washing machine, you could wash it by hand

[rlbell]

Three soldiers are waiting for trip across the Atlantic, after the end of WWII, an american, a canadian, and a newfoundlander. They are sitting outside a pub, trying to figure out how to get a drink when none of them have any money. The american suddenly has an idea-- He will go into the puib, order a beer, and when the barman asks for his money, claim that he has already paid. When he gets back to the other two soldiers, he tells them that it worked. The canadian also tries it, and pulls it off, so the Newfoundlander has a go.

Barman: There were two other soldiers in here, and they swore up and down that they had paid for their beer, but I am certain that they did not pay.

Newfoundlander: Spare me your troubles, Barman, and give me the change from my fiver!

[gufu1992]

May be understanded only by russians

Two owls flying
Owl 1:BE carefull the is shlagBOOM
Owl 2:What shlagBOOM

[gregor]

it's like Two frogs go donw the street and one says "Watch out! It's a BM Wleeeaah!"

anyway....


Have you ever asked yourself:

Why the sun brightens our hair, yet darkens our skin?
Why can't women put make up on their eyelashes and keep their mouth shut during that?
Why don't we ever see a title in the newspaper saying: »Fortune-teller won the lottery«?
Why is »abbreviation« a long word?
Why the doctors the work/job they are doing »practice«?
Why do you need to clock on »START« button to turn of your computer?
Why the lemonade is made from artificial lemon aroma, while the detergents have real lemons in them?
Why do you call the man that invests your money on stock market »a broker«?
Why Noe didn't kill those two mosquitoes?
Why do they use sterilised needles to give lethal injections to condemned prisoners?
Why don't they make the whole plane from same material as black box?
Why the ship doesn't shrink when it rains on it?
Why are they called apartments, if they actually stick together instead of apart?
If CON is the opposite of PRO, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?
Why do the call the airport TERMINAL, if flying with planes is supposed to be safe?

[a1s]

Originally posted by gregor+Feb 24 2006, 01:52 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (gregor @ Feb 24 2006, 01:52 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>If CON is the opposite of PRO, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?[/b]
well yeah... :whistle:
******QuoteBegin-gregor@Feb 24 2006, 01:52 PM
Why do the call the airport TERMINAL, if flying with planes is supposed to be safe?[/quote]
you haven't been to the "terminal first aid" yet, now that's scary. :D

[Icewolf]

What's pinned to the earth but moving all day?

Can you guess it?

When a submarine flies over the desert and throws off a bycycle,
how many meat balls fit in the submarie?

[Iron_Scarecrow]

I believe that last one belongs in the worlds worst joke thread.

[Himmler]

Phone Conversation

Lee Sum Wan: Hello can i speak to Annie Wan

Mr Sori: Yes u could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan: I'm Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.

Mr Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!

Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?

Mr Sori: I'm Sori.

Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mr Sori: I'm Sori !!

Lee Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!

Mr Sori: Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori ! I'm Sori !! I'm SORI !!! you didnt even give me your name!

Lee Sum Wan: I told u before i'm Sum Wan ! Sum Wan !!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.

Mr Sori: Oh im so scared (sarcastically) . Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.

Lee Sum Wan: No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesnt work there.

Mr Sori: Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws
everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!

Lee Sum Wan: Which Wan(don't have any idea on how to alternatively spell the name)is my sis!

Mr. Sori: I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think I do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. And its not true about her aunt screwing everybody because i havent screw her yet."how bout that!?

[Iron_Scarecrow]

LOL

That truly was hilarious.

[Himmler]

i was afraid someone will say it's a really bad joke :D

[Iron_Scarecrow]

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

[Abi79]

LOL *remembers of Sebatianos' jokes*

[a1s]

Washington DC., November 2004 (Sound of intercom buzzing)
(Remote voice) Mr. President, Condoleezza Rice is here to see you.
†Good! Send her in.
(Remote voice)Yessir!
(Sound of door opening)
‡Good morning, Mr. President.
(Sound of door closing)
†Oh Condoleezza, nice to see you, what's happening?
‡Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
†Right Conda, lay it on me.
‡Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
†Well, that's what I want to know.
‡Well, that's what I am telling you, Mr. President,
†Well, that's what I am asking you Condi, who is the new leader of China.
‡Yes!
†I mean the fellow's name.
‡Hu.
†The guy in China.
‡Hu.
†The new leader of China.
‡Hu.
†The Chinaman.
‡Hu is leading China, Mr. President
†What are you asking me for?
‡I am telling you, Hu is leading China.
†Well, I am asking you Condi, who is leading China?
‡That's the man's name.
†That's whose name?
‡Yes.
†Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader in China?
‡Yessir!
†Yasir? Yasir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
‡That's correct, sir.
†Then who is in China?
‡Yes sir.
†Yasir is in China?
‡No sir.
†Then who is?
‡Yes sir.
†Yasir?
‡No sir.

(Moment's pause)

†Condi, you are starting to tick me off now. That's not because you are black either. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. So why don't you get me the Secretary-General of the United Nations on the phone.
‡Kofi Annan?
†No thanks; and Condi, call me George. Stop with that Ebonics crap.
‡You want Kofi?
†No.
‡You don't want Kofi?
†No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk, and then get me the UN.
‡Yes sir!
†Not Yasir, the guy at the United Nations.
‡Kofi!
†Milk! Will you please make that call?
‡And call who?
†Well, who is the guy at the UN?
‡No, Hu is the guy in China.
†Will you stay out of China?
‡Yes sir!
†And stay out of the Middle East. Just get me the guy at the UN.
‡Kofi.
†All right! With cream and two sugars... now get on the phone.
(Phone dialling)
‡Hello! Rice here!
†Rice? Good idea, and get a couple of egg-rolls too, Condi, maybe we should send some to the guy in China, and the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[gregor]

If you open the umbrella in the street of Ljubljana,
be careful not to hurt somebody's eye in Maribor.

Why don't the ski springers in Planica do more than 250 meters?
Because they would fly to Italy

The shortest joke in the world: A couple is walking along the slovenian coast...


What's the colour of the slovenian patrol boats?
Both of them are blue.

Slovenians don't need mobile phones.
They can communicate yoddling from one end of the country to the other.

What do the Slovenians need radars for?
For fun.

[Rogue]

This reminds me of the old joke about Albania:

Why Albanian planes do not fly if rains?
Cardboard is not water-resistant.

Albanian plane crashed and there were news about this accident: ”Today our plane crashed. Pilots, steam operator and coal manager all died.”

[a1s]

another newsflash:
"Today a mongolian kite was shot down by anti air defence. So there's no airforce in Mongolia anymore. having heard about that minister of defence has shot himself. now there's allso no amunition in Mongolia."

[Eagle of Fire]

I fail to understand how the last 3 posts can even remotly be considered as funny...

[Bobbin Threadbare]

Originally posted by Eagle of Fire@Mar 6 2006, 10:39 PM
I fail to understand how the last 3 posts can even remotly be considered as funny...
I agree

[gregor]

ah, Slovenia is a tiny country.

coastline is 42 km long

we really do have only two patrol boats (of which one is mostly being repaired than patroling on sea)

two major cities Ljubljana (capital) and Maribor are only an hour drive appart, so you can imagine how close they actually are on map.

etc.


Albania is (or at least used to be) extremely poor country, where for example at one time army really didnt' have enough money to buy proper clothes for soldiers...

[Rogue]

Is this any better?

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor"s office to collect his wife"s test results. The lab tech says to him, "I"m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the amples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife"s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible news!"
"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer"s and the other for AIDS. We can"t tell which is your wife."
"That"s terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO and they won"t pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" Smith asked.
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home ... don"t sleep with her."

[Rogue]

And couple 'Montenegro - jokes' but not in English. :)

Ulazi krsni Crnogorac u kafanu, sjeda i poziva konobaricu. Prilazi mu mlada zgodna i lijepa konobarica i pita ga sta hoce da pije. Na to ce Crnogorac: "Djevojko,donesi mi jednu jaku kafu ka sto sam ja i slatku ka sto si ti!" Donese konobarica kafu, Crnogorac proba kafu pa joj rece: "O, djevojko, da se nijesi ti malo precijenila!!!"

Zida se visegradska cuprija. Dolazi delegacija Bosanaca kod vladike Njegosa da im proda kamenja, jer njegova zemlja je, je li, bogata tim Bozjim darom.Kaze Njegos: "Ljudi, eto vam dzabe, imamo mi toga napretek!"Kroz neko vrijeme opet dolaze Bosanci, nestalo im kamenja."Ma samo vi nosite ljudi, koliko vam treba", milostiv je veliki vladika. Helem, naculi Crnogorci da Njegos prodaje kamenje i organizuju protestni miting pred dvorom na Cetinju.Izlazi Njegos i obraca se masama: "No, ljudi, sta vam je?""Kako sta nam je, vladiko", kaze narod, "culi smo da ti prodajes kamenje Bosancima"."Jesam, ljudi, ama sta je to problem, ima Crna Gora toga koliko hocete", veli vladika."Dobro, vladiko, ali ako dodje do zemlje, ti ces je kopat'..."

Vidi Crnogorac da neka dobra riba cita Erotiku, pa je pita: - "Jel' djevojko, jel pise tu kome je najduzi?"Ona: - "Pise. Kaze da je indijancima." - "A jel' pise kome najduze stoji?"Ona: - "Kaze da najduze stoji Madjarima." - "E pa, djevojko, sad i ja da se predstavim: ja sam Lajos Vinetu."

Godina 1997. Dva djetica gledaju Olimpijadu. Prate jednog takmicara koji ocigledno zaostaje za drugim takmicarima.- "Vidje onu babetinu sto se vuce?"- "Cuti bre, to je nas!"- "Aaaaaaaaaaa. Vidje djetica kako tjera sve pred sobom."


And couple sport coments from ex-yu tv. http://www.geocities.com/rizvic_kenan/vicevi1.html

[gregor]

Originally posted by Anubis@Mar 6 2006, 01:39 PM
And couple sport coments from ex-yu tv. http://www.geocities.com/rizvic_kenan/vicevi1.html
these are the best. i think a few could be translated into english...

[Doc Adrian]

I agree..especially since I can't read them =)

[gregor]

Originally posted by Doc Adrian@Mar 7 2006, 04:58 AM
I agree..especially since I can't read them =)
so here they are (at least a few of them). this are some legendary coments from former Yugoslavia. most are from football (soccer) or basketball. i tried my best in translating them and keeping them funny at same time.

A strange way of passing the ball - strong and to no one.

And that's an excelent intervention by Ljukovćan [yu team]. Let's see nwo why are the Germans happy, yes, it's a goal !?

THe nekst few minutes this tape is all about Georghe Hagi and this idiotic commercial for ketchup.

Note how that on stadium in Istanbul onl yth epolice dogs don't have the mustache.

Jokanovic to Stojkovic, Stojkovic to Stojkovic...

While the ball is in the air let me introduce you both teams.

"in the fourth lane is the favourite Michael Jackson. Pardo, Michael Jordan.
Then Nedeljko Kovinjalo interrupts him:
"Yes, my colleague Pantic wants to say that Michael Johnson is popular in America as the other two are."

"Mekmanamanaman." (McManaman)

And today is on our bigest stadium Marijua...., pardon, Marakana....

Here comes Bishop. or the priest.

On the left side is Carr, whose surname can be translated as Auto.

"Michel !!!!! Third goal! He deserves that we tell his whole name.
Bravo, Hoze Miguel Gonzales Martin Del Kampo Michel!"

On the stadium gathered about 30.000 dinars. (Dinar=ex Yugoslavia currency)

"Respected viewers we are sorry for this interruption. We were just prohibited by the organisational commity of Olympic games to smoke in the reporter's cabins.There even the Spanish colleagues are rioting, it wasn't just i...."

American basketball players are 2 and more meters tall.

They gathered for short one month 30 days preparations...

And this is the fourth point by Savic [Yu team], and Lithuania is leading 7:3.

He is the youngest player on championship whose moments were are leading towards the end.

This is a competitor from San Marino, small island country from the middle of Atlantic ocean. [for those who do not know the country is actuallysomewhere in the middle of Italy, close to Rome]

Susic is a player who should dribble more and use his technique and control of the ball. And there he is, he is just doing that....Susic, Susic, Susic, and....... no, not alone Safet, not alone. What selfishness from young and unexperienced Susic!!!!

Our boxer Svetomira Belić, dear viewvers, you will recognise by white trunks, and his opponent Motungua from Kenia you will recognise by black trunks.

We will hear the American firm once more now.

This is Kelly Ericson, tiny Sweedish girl, height jumper, and this is her mother, mama Maria, who is following her little girl everywhere and she is never letting her out of her sight. And the man whome you are just seing is a strong fellow, John Godina, hammer thrower.He doesn't need neither mother notr father to follow him on his competitions.

The judge took "Prokurin" eye drops and now he sees much better.

A concert of whistles for the players, purely so they could musically educate a bit.

This was a much greater danger for airplanes of Avaks type then for Pandurovic's goal.

Dragan Ciric, player with long hair yet great potentials.

Full stadium of supporters,50.000 people. Just think about it, 100.000 hands!

What a strike! It split the air to hydrogen and oxygen.

"Chocolate tandem of stopers from Bremen was thrown out of the game by one move of metuzalem Rudi Bomer?!"

[Doc Adrian]

Thank you Gregor, I like the one were they say how much money was there instead of fans :)

Thanks for the translation

[Timpsi]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[Tulac]

This one's from a Serbian commentator:

Muhammed Ali is approaching the olympic flare (on the 96' olympics), his hands are shaking from excitement...

[gregor]

LOL that's right. i remember that one. always makes me laugh. it really happened... i mean, sometimes they really came out with strange things...

[Rogue]

Originally posted by Tulac@Mar 7 2006, 05:21 AM
This one's from a Serbian commentator:

Muhammed Ali is approaching the olympic flare (on the 96' olympics), his hands are shaking from excitement...
LOL LOL LOL

This is sad and funny at the same time....

[I_Like_Bunnies]

well, this forum hasnt been updated since november 04, and no one will prolly see this, but here we go


whats big, yellow, and hilarious?
a bus full of frenchmen driving off a cliff

whats the diff between a frenchmen and a medium pizza?
a pizza can feed a family of four

:ok:

[Rogue]

Originally posted by I_Like_Bunnies@Mar 8 2006, 10:07 AM
well, this forum hasnt been updated since november 04, and no one will prolly see this, but here we go


Care to explain? :blink:




A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down
the alley that had all of the bulls. They come up to the first
bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a
year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull
mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times
last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this
one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull
mated 365 times last year."

The wife"s mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times
last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this
one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365
times with the same cow."

[Icewolf]

Three guys are lost in the jungle and they try to find their way out.
Suddenly they encounter a river that is crowded with crocodiles.

They agree that they have no choice than swimming through if
they ever want to get out of the green hell.

First one swims over.
While he swims there's a clapping sound. When he gets out on the
other shore he says in a high and squeaky voice: "I'm there!"

Same with the second - swims, clapping sound, gets out and
says with squeaky voice: "I'm there!"

Third one swims over.

When he gets out of the water he says in his normal voice: "I'm there, too!"

Crocodile squeaking: "Bastard!!!"

[Aristharus]

Originally posted by Anubis+Mar 8 2006, 05:25 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Anubis @ Mar 8 2006, 05:25 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> ******QuoteBegin-I_Like_Bunnies@Mar 8 2006, 10:07 AM
well, this forum hasnt been updated since november 04, and no one will prolly see this, but here we go


Care to explain? :blink: [/b][/quote]
Anubis (the previous poster) seems to have joined November 04, maybe he confused that with when the post was made.

[Sebatianos]

I know this isn't much of a joke, but here goes anyway...

A tree fell and a bush started laughing at it. The tree said to the bush: "Oh, grow up!"

[troop18546]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Mar 9 2006, 09:24 PM
I know this isn't much of a joke, but here goes anyway...

A tree fell and a bush started laughing at it. The tree said to the bush: "Oh, grow up!"
Hehe, good one, Sebatianos. A really phunny one. LOL

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Originally posted by Aristharus+Mar 9 2006, 07:27 PM****</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Aristharus @ Mar 9 2006, 07:27 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Originally posted by Anubis@Mar 8 2006, 05:25 PM
******QuoteBegin-I_Like_Bunnies@Mar 8 2006, 10:07 AM
well, this forum hasnt been updated since november 04, and no one will prolly see this, but here we go


Care to explain? :blink:
Anubis (the previous poster) seems to have joined November 04, maybe he confused that with when the post was made. [/b][/quote]
Maybe it was a joke.

[Aristharus]

Well, in that case, it was almost as bad as most of the other jokes in here. :P

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Aristharus@Mar 10 2006, 11:30 AM
Well, in that case, it was almost as bad as most of the other jokes in here. :P
Just like the one you just made :blink:

[TheChosen]

Here's one:

A couple is preparing to go to bed (to sleep), but the wife is rubbing some sort of cream on her breasts.

Man: What are you doing?
Wife: Im tired of my small breasts. I want bigger. Im right now trying this special cream i bought.
Man: Forget that cream. I have a better idea.

Man goes to bathroom. He brings some toilet paper. He start wiping his wife's breasts with toilet paper.

Wife: What the heck are you doing???
Man: You have been wiping your a$$ with toilet paper for years and look how big it is now!

[Himmler]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR

A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT ...

THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
**********************************

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
**********************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
**********************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
**********************************

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
*********************************
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
**********************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
**********************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
***********************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[Sebatianos]

Originally posted by Himmler@Mar 10 2006, 02:56 PM
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
This one shouldn't really be here, already the first line let's you know, something is wrong with the romance... :whistle:

The thing is, that the rhymes are not un-romantic, but down right abusive. Romantic passes with something obscene - something abusive just doesn't work. Those are more post card jokes (you know, on the cover it says one thing, then something completely different continues).

Here's something that would bring down romance without giving being abusive - just extremely unromantic:

Your tender warm embrace,
reminds me of my ex in lace.

[Iron_Scarecrow]

Who cares they're funny.

[Toxik]

One of the lamest jokes I've ever heard:

A guy walks into a bar,ans sees that everything in that bar is green.Walls,ceiling,furniture-everything,except for a man sitting on a bar stool.He is completely blue.
So this guy walks to the blue man and asks him:Why are you blue when everything else is green?
And the man responds:Sorry,im from different joke.
:tomato:

[TheChosen]

Originally posted by Toxik@Mar 10 2006, 03:11 PM
One of the lamest jokes I've ever heard:

A guy walks into a bar,ans sees that everything in that bar is green.Walls,ceiling,furniture-everything,except for a man sitting on a bar stool.He is completely blue.
So this guy walks to the blue man and asks him:Why are you blue when everything else is green?
And the man responds:Sorry,im from different joke.
:tomato:
LOL


Here's some stuff from the mouths of children:


"My mom is so beatiful, because she has long tits"

"Never try to vacuum your cat"

"When i grow up, i wanna get married. But if nobody wants me, il become a teacher"

[rlbell]

One of the lesser known events in the gospel was when Jesus tried to save a blasphemer from execution by stoning:

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!

The crowd went silent for a moment, but a rock came hurtling in from the back of the crowd and struck the blasphemer dead. Jesus immediately fell into a profound funk and exclaimed "I was trying to make a point, mother!".

[Himmler]

Originally posted by rlbell@Mar 12 2006, 12:50 AM
One of the lesser known events in the gospel was when Jesus tried to save a blasphemer from execution by stoning:

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!

The crowd went silent for a moment, but a rock came hurtling in from the back of the crowd and struck the blasphemer dead. Jesus immediately fell into a profound funk and exclaimed "I was trying to make a point, mother!".
bwhahhahaa that's a really good one ..i gotta remember it

[Rogue]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Rogue]

Aids