Jokes

[gregor]

Originally posted by rlbell@Mar 12 2006, 12:50 AM
One of the lesser known events in the gospel was when Jesus tried to save a blasphemer from execution by stoning:

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!

The crowd went silent for a moment, but a rock came hurtling in from the back of the crowd and struck the blasphemer dead. Jesus immediately fell into a profound funk and exclaimed "I was trying to make a point, mother!".
ah are oyu sure it wasn't Bryan from monthy pythons commedy: Life of Bryan?

[blastradius14]

How do you tell a squirrel is gay? It wants to chew on your nuts!

Wait a minute, this isn't the bad joke thread...


There once was a man that could duplicate anything he touched. So, he had chosen to duplicate the most valuable diamond on the planet. He would then sell the diamond for cash, and then pocket the untraceable money. The IRS eventually saw his monetary fluctuations, with much increased spending, yet no chance at bankrupcy. As they arrested him, they asked him where he got the dough, and he said, I grow diamonds in my behind, what do you want me to do with them?

Man, that needs some work :not_ok:

[gregor]

Bush In Hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go..."

[Rogue]

:D

[rlbell]

A condemned soul arrives in Hell and The Devil tells him that he may choose the manner of his eternal damnation, but if he takes too long to decide, The Devil will choose for him. So the damned soul goes from place to place, trying to find something not too horrible.

One of the first places that he dismisses, right off the bat, is a cavern where everyone is wrapped in undying flames. Another place is a cavern where demons alternately flay the condemned souls or staple them back into their skins. Finally, after much searching, he comes to an odd cavern where everyone is standing waist deep in a slurry of pig manure, drinking coffee. At last, something he can endure that is not even too bad. However, as soon as gets his mug of coffee, but before he can drink any of it, a huge demon cracks a whip and says:

"Coffee break's over, back on your heads, everyone."

[AlleyCat]

Why are blondes such bad surfers?

Because as soon as they get wet they spread their legs.

[_r.u.s.s.]

rude.. -_-

[blastradius14]

Originally posted by rlbell@Mar 15 2006, 09:46 PM
A condemned soul arrives in Hell and The Devil tells him that he may choose the manner of his eternal damnation, but if he takes too long to decide, The Devil will choose for him. So the damned soul goes from place to place, trying to find something not too horrible.

One of the first places that he dismisses, right off the bat, is a cavern where everyone is wrapped in undying flames. Another place is a cavern where demons alternately flay the condemned souls or staple them back into their skins. Finally, after much searching, he comes to an odd cavern where everyone is standing waist deep in a slurry of pig manure, drinking coffee. At last, something he can endure that is not even too bad. However, as soon as gets his mug of coffee, but before he can drink any of it, a huge demon cracks a whip and says:

"Coffee break's over, back on your heads, everyone."
You forgot about the part where its cold coffee. Cold, old, decaf coffee.

I've felt that way when I walk into my job :tai:


Only I'd be the one upside down thinking, "Screw the coffee"

[Sebatianos]

A pedophile at a court: "But those children said thy want to lear about sex."

[Rogue]

For those who speak compatible language... :)

[gregor]

Searching The Rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! "

[gregor]

I just saw this on BBC, made me laugh... :D

A hospital porter completes two jobs in one, moving a patient, and bags of equipment, from an old wing to a new one at the Huaxi hospital in Chengdu, China.

[Rogue]

OMG

Is that patient alive???

http://images.net3media.com/funnyfreepics/pitsniffers.jpg

[_r.u.s.s.]

WHY DID I SEE IT, WHY???? :wall:

[rlbell]

While I was still a university studemt, I stumbled upon a sad man. He was disconsolate about his effectiveness as a professor of Shakesearean drama, and he told me the following:

Mondays, and Wednesdays, and Fridays creep by at their petty pace ; until, the last syllables of my garbled speech and all my lecture notes have lighted fools the way to dusty thought. Spout! Spout! I ramble. I am but a shadow who struts and frets his hour before the class and is heard no more. Mine is the course taught by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing!

[gregor]

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, here was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

LOL

[Master MC]

bah

[guesst]

I did a search, and this one didn't come up, so forgive me if in the 85 pages of this thread this is a repost, but I present to you what is in my opinion one of the funniest things out there:
-------------------------------------------------
THEY'RE MADE OUT OF MEAT
by Terry Bisson

"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."
"So ... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat."
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."

the end

[Grinder]

Not bad. But not funny enough for that long a joke.

[Sebatianos]

Does anyone know what THIS means?

[Sebatianos]

The same as THIS (but in 5 languages).

[Gelfo]

Okay decided to put this one here rather than the bad jokes thread ;)

Three pieces of rope are walking down the street when they decide to stop off at a nearby pub.

Outside the pub there's a sign that says 'we dont serve rope here'

Regardless, the first piece of rope walks in, asks for a pint but gets told to leave.

So the second piece of rope goes in, but gets the same treatment

The third piece of rope twists himself up a little bit before going into the pub. He walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman says "Aren't you a piece of rope"

The rope replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"

...

[troop18546]

LOL Good one Gelf0.

[guesst]

Originally posted by Gelfo@Apr 4 2006, 01:21 PM
The rope replies "No, I'm a frayed knot"
...
Dang it, I just referenced this one in the bad joke thread a moment before seeing the whole thing posted here. Only I didn't tell the whole joke. I just assumed everyone's heard this one before.

[Eagle of Fire]

I don't even understand it...

For me, 90% of all the jokes in this thread could be swaped to the "bad jokes" thread. ;)

[Danny252]

Originally posted by Eagle of Fire@Apr 4 2006, 04:49 PM
I don't even understand it...

For me, 90% of all the jokes in this thread could be swaped to the "bad jokes" thread. ;)
LOL.. just say "a frayed knot" out loud.. ^^

[Gelfo]

-WARNING THESE JOKE ARE OFFENSIVE..ISH -

An Alcoholic, a druggie and Freddie Mercury were all in heaven before God.

God decided to give all three of them a second chance as long as they changed their ways. The alcoholic wasn't allowed to touch drink, the druggie had to stay clean and Freddie Mercury wasn't allowed to be gay anymore. God warned them that if they returned to their vices he would zap them down to hell in a puff of smoke.

So the three men were sent back down to earth and landed outside a pub/bar. The alcoholic runs inside, *poof* the alcoholic disappears.

Then the druggie sees a needle lying in the gutter, he walks over to it and bends over to pick it up. *poof* Freddie Mercury disappears

----

Okay..

Gods football team 'The Saints' got to the final of the cup, and had to play against 'The Devils' (great team names huh).

The match got underway.. Saint Peter got the ball and dribbled around a few defenders before having a shot, he beat the goal keeper but the ball hit the post. Saint Peter said "Damn!", much to Saint Pauls disgust.

A bit later Saint Michael received a good pass to put him through one on one with the goal keeper. He took the ball round him but his shot went over the ball. "SH*T" said Saint Michael, again Saint Paul couldn't believe his ears.

Towards the end of the match Saint David had a great chance to score, but the goal keeper saved his shot. So he shouted out "C**T", Saint Paul almost fainted.

After the match (The Saints lost 1-0) Saint Paul went to see God and explained to him what happened.

"God, Peter hit the post and said 'Damn', then Michael shot over and said 'Sh*t' and then... David's shot was saved and he said the C word"

God was furious... "I can't believe it" he said "What the F*ck are they playing at?!"

[gregor]

A mafia's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first rites, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

---


A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a proffesional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a proffesional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

[troop18546]

LOL man, where do you come up with these?

[Playbahnosh]

Okay, another offensive-ish...

Somebody is knocking on Heaven's door, St. Peter opens the door. There is a man at the doorstep rolling on the floor, laughing. St. Peter frowns and asks
- What's so funny?! You have just died!
- Heheh, yeah but down there they are still operating me LOL

[troop18546]

I memorized this one off of "Suckers" 1990 movie.

St. Peter sees some n1ggers at the golden gates to heaven.
He rushes to God and tells him:
God there are a bunch of n1ggers at the gates, should I let them in?
God says:
Sure, let them in, we have no racism over here.
St. Peter goes to let them in, but in a moment he comes back and says:
They're gone!
God says:
Who - the n1ggers?
Peter:
No! The gates!

This one's one of my all time favs. LOL

[Playbahnosh]

^ouch! LOL

[Sebatianos]

Well, this one is better if told in person (but still very cruel).

A father and his handicaped (celebral paralises) son are watching TV together.
Dad: "Son, go and fetch me a beer."
Son (drooling, having trouble speaking, shaking all over): "Get it yourslef!"
Later on...
Dad: "Son, get me my smokes."
Son (drooling, having trouble speaking, shaking all over): "Get them yourslef!"
Father gets angry!
Dad: "Son, show some more respect! I created you!"
Son (drooling, having trouble speaking, shaking all over): "And a fine job you did!"

Should really be told in person...




How did Vikings call bad hunters?
Vegetarians!

[rlbell]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 11 2006, 10:55 AM
Well, this one is better if told in person (but still very cruel).

A father and his handicaped (celebral paralises) son are watching TV together.
Dad: "Son, go and fetch me a beer."
Son (drooling, having trouble speaking, shaking all over): "Get it yourslef!"
Later on...
Dad: "Son, get me my smokes."
Son (drooling, having trouble speaking, shaking all over): "Get them yourslef!"
Father gets angry!
Dad: "Son, show some more respect! I created you!"
Son (drooling, having trouble speaking, shaking all over): "And a fine job you did!"

Should really be told in person...




How did Vikings call bad hunters?
Vegetarians!
This joke was told at the "Juste pour rire" comedy festival, several years ago, by a comedian with cerebral palsy:

I was at a restaurant and I started choking, so I began waving my arms frantically, to get some help. It turns out that I proposed to the deaf woman across the room and now I have a wife who never listens to me!

Other remembered snippets from the festival:

There are two kinds of people in this world; those that have carefree sex with strangers, and jealous people.

I know we smoke alot in Newfoundland, but here in Montreal you smoke like it was a cure for cancer!


Silly geek joke:

There are 10 kinds of people in this world; those that understand binary encoding and those that do not.


There was an episode of ST:TNG that featured Data trying to learn about humor and it had a throwaway line about a comedian who based his routine on quantum mathematics. There really are jokes from quantum mathematics:

Imagine if Plank's constant was three . . .

Everyone would need cars big enough that they would not tunnel out of them. Stairs would be impossible; unless, everybody was the same weight. The less said about multiple doors at the entrance of large buildings, the better.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Motorist: No, I was tired of getting lost.

I doubt that very many of you will get the quantum humor, but those that do will have enjoyed them.

[gregor]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind."

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"

[Sebatianos]

A silly nuthouse joke...

A: "Wanna go diving in the new pool agian?"
B: "Nah, been there, done that."
A: "Oh, come on. This time there's even water in it!"

[Grinder]

A little kid, obviously handicapped, enters the bus and approaches the driver.
Kid(drooling,shaking,having trouble speaking):
I-i-i-i-'d l-l-l-like a t-t-t-ticket p-p-p-please
Driver:
OUT!!!

The next day, the same handicapped kid comes up to the driver.
Kid(drooling,shaking,having trouble speaking):
I-i-i-i-'d l-l-l-like a t-t-t-ticket p-p-p-please
Driver:
OUT!!!

The next day, the kid brings his mother.
Kid(drooling,shaking,having trouble speaking):
I-i-i-i-'d l-l-l-like a t-t-t-ticket p-p-p-please
Driver:
OUT!!!
Mother:
Why did you do that? Why? Why can't you just give my son a ticket?
Driver:
B-b-b-bec-c-cause he's m-m-m-making f-f-f-fun offff m-m-m-me!!!

Should really be told in person.

[Stebbi]

Okay i have a really BRUTAL JOKE you have been warned.....








One day Hitler is walking in auswitch, and he walks up to a little girl and ask's her how old are you?
The little girl answers: four but ill be five tomorrow.
The Hitler Say: HAHAHA NO !

[Sebatianos]

Brutal??? Don't get me started...

A group of sadist captures a school bus. They put them in fron of the swimming pool full of acid. They say they'll let the winner go free.
All the kids jump in and start swimming like crazy (screeming even worse). Their skin is being eaten off their flesh and their flesh is disapearing away showing only the white of the bones and even the bones are slowly loosing their form... Needles to say all the kids died, but one.
The sole surviver drags himself out of the swimming pool with one fingerless hand, his ribs showing under the acidly burnet off flesh. The stench is terrible and he's half dead because of the damage to his body and other half because of the agony of pain.
the head sadist comes up to him and says: Congratulations, you've made it to the semi-finale!

[Rogue]

:)

[Rogue]

Originally posted by Stebbi@Apr 14 2006, 08:12 AM
Okay i have a really BRUTAL JOKE you have been warned.....








One day Hitler is walking in auswitch, and he walks up to a little girl and ask's her how old are you?
The little girl answers: four but ill be five tomorrow.
The Hitler Say: NO HAHAHA!
The good joke is that someone was claiming that Hitler never heard of Auswitch.

[Stebbi]

Ohh was it some soldier or someone?


http://im.dumpalink.com/pics/zS4wzmaB.jpg

[omg]

One day Hitler is walking in auswitch, and he walks up to a little girl and ask's her how old are you?
The little girl answers: four but ill be five tomorrow.
The Hitler Say: NO HAHAHA!

i cant belive anyone would find that funny...
im guessing u posted it out of shock rather than appreciation.

[Stebbi]

Originally posted by omg@Apr 15 2006, 12:41 AM
One day Hitler is walking in auswitch, and he walks up to a little girl and ask's her how old are you?
The little girl answers: four but ill be five tomorrow.
The Hitler Say: NO HAHAHA!

i cant belive anyone would find that funny...
im guessing u posted it out of shock rather than appreciation.
.....i laughed..... :whistle:

[Kon-Tiki]

How wrong that joke might be, it did make kid bro laugh, just as it made me chuckle :whistle: It's just as wrong as those dancers and shows you see on German television 'round Carnaval. Black guys in pink, skin-tight suits with plumes on their head and on their rears, dancing 'round in front of fat Germans that just come there for the free beer... you either laugh, or you'll go insane, due to it being so horribly wrong. Same's with that joke.

[Rogue]

Speaking of bad jokes...



http://i.timeinc.net/time/cartoons/20040521/2.jpg

[Stebbi]

^Haha

http://im.dumpalink.com/pics/hc7Ju9kc.jpg

[Toxik]

Bwahahahaha(my reaction when I saw that picture)

[Sebatianos]

A chicken and an egg are in bed.
The chicken is lying on his back, smoking a cigarette.

The egg rolls over, disappointedly, says, "Well, I think we answered that question."

[Reup]

Sweet :)

The one before yours is also sweet.

[Tulac]

Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter
and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for
help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[Mighty Midget]

At the Paralympics:
"Now, here comes something of an athlete..."

[Stebbi]

Originally posted by Tulac@May 13 2006, 11:15 AM
Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter
and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for
help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
HAHAHA

[Danny252]

If only that happened... it would be so much fun...

[Playbahnosh]

Originally posted by Danny252@May 13 2006, 05:41 PM
If only that happened... it would be so much fun...
You think that didn't happen? :P

Okay, nazi joke, if you don't want to see it, please turn away... now!... You have been warned...













Hitler is in Auschwitz, watching the prisonners. He decides to make a little contest, he says "The one that can jump high enough will get a burger" The first one jumps 1 m, Hitler says "okay, here's a burger", the next one jumps 2 m "okay, here's a burger for you too", the third one jumps 3 m then Hitler said "Shoot him, he can jump over the fence!"

[Stebbi]

^HAHA

[a1s]

/\
.| there's nothing there!

[Stebbi]

in the other Dimension.....duh!!

[Mighty Midget]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Apr 4 2005, 08:03 PM
OK - might be a bit harder to understand, but my own again...

The Sphyngs comet to Athens. But because it's in a good mood it doesn't want to cause the plague. So it looks around for the smartest man, the one who's surely gonna answer the riddle.
When the smarets man in town is found the Sphyngs want's to make sure the guy will answer the riddle and asks him: "What do you know?"
Socrates answeres: "Nothing."
A good one indeed!

Reminds me of an old one:

A physics professor is doing some late work at his university office. Suddenly, in a puff of smoke, there stands before him a man with a hoof and two pointy horns sticking out of his blood red forehead. The man says: Sell me your soul, and I'll make you a genius that will dwarf Einstein and Hawking, all you have to do is...
The professor replies: Who are you?
The man: Why, the Devil of course
The professor: Oh no you ain't. There is no such thing as devils or demons
The man: Yes, there is, and I happen to be the Lord of Flies himself
The professor: Oh, C'MON! This is ludicracy. Everybody knows devils are not real
The man: Now you just...
The professor: Ok, prove it!
The man: What do you mean prove it. I'm the Supreme Ruler of Eternal Darkness. My powers are undisputed. I can crush you with merely a wave of my clawed hand.
The professor: If you're such a big shot, then I suppose you can do anything?
The man: Oh, ok. I get your drift. Tell you what. You can ask me anything. If I do it, I get your soul. If I can't, well, you get your prize for free.
The professor, turning his back: Oh, get lost...

[gregor]

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.

Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you werent warned.

[rlbell]

Three women were at a restaurant talking about how good their husbands were in bed.

The first woman crowed about how her husband, an automotive technician from Daimler-Chrysler, knew exactly how to keep her in tune and get her engine revving freely.

The second woman laughed about how her husband, a colonel in the army, always started with a detailed reconnaissance of the objective, followed up with extensive preparation, and ended with a decisive penetration and follow through.

The third woman burst into tears and cried about how her husband, a Microsoft marketing manager, would sit on the edge of the bed and tell how good it would be-- next time.

[Mighty Midget]

The last one's a good one :)

Did you know that one anagram to 'please visit microsoft.com' spells 'victims' comatose profiles'? A coincidence? I dare say NOT!

[troop18546]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(gregor @ May 30 2006, 03:04 PM) 233245</div>
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.

Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you werent warned.
[/b]


:hysterical:

[gregor]

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his little head.

I'm not a morning person.

[troop18546]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(gregor @ Jun 12 2006, 08:26 PM) 236226</div>
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,

That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his little head.

I'm not a morning person.
[/b]

Today I felt the same way. Those damned birds woke me up at 6:00 and kept chirping till I tried to stab them with a toothpick. When the came back - a watergun "cleansed" them. ^_^

[Icewolf]

Guys, you are the devil's toothache! ^_^

[Himmler]

ok...i need to say a romanian joke for abi and the other romanians...hope you don't mind...and if you do i'll delete it...but it's TOO GOOD! :ok:
In padurea cu alune, Aveau casa trei pitici, Vine pupaza si spune: "Simptomatic, idiosincrazia dilematica isi reverbereaza
atenuant ecourile absconse protoarmonice din spatele semitranscendent si disonant al obscurantismului incandescent de sorginte medievala,
capsuland filonul crepuscular sincretic si aluziv metempsihotic al transmigratiei alchimice inspre circumvolutiunile interioare ale epocii
istorice care tind sa formeze adevarate supape paleontologice inspre propensiunea paradigmelor de orientare paseista. Parerea mea".... Epilog:
Pupaza a fost imediat impuscata!

[Grinder]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA



...I don't get it.

[Abi79]

@Himmler: LOL Funny. Oh, the poor dwarfs LOL

[a1s]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Himmler @ Jun 13 2006, 11:39 PM) 236552</div>
ok...i need to say a romanian joke for abi and the other romanians...hope you don't mind...and if you do i'll delete it...but it's TOO GOOD! :ok:
In padurea cu alune, Aveau casa trei pitici, Vine pupaza si spune: "Simptomatic, idiosincrazia dilematica isi reverbereaza
atenuant ecourile absconse protoarmonice din spatele semitranscendent si disonant al obscurantismului incandescent de sorginte medievala,
capsuland filonul crepuscular sincretic si aluziv metempsihotic al transmigratiei alchimice inspre circumvolutiunile interioare ale epocii
istorice care tind sa formeze adevarate supape paleontologice inspre propensiunea paradigmelor de orientare paseista. Parerea mea".... Epilog:
Pupaza a fost imediat impuscata!
[/b]
listen, we don't care if we won't get it- If you want to post something in a foreign language, post a translation (it's not like you have to translate a whole book of text you know...).

[guesst]

Sometimes things just don't translate. Jokes can be one of them.

The only thing that I have object to is that perhaps it isn't appropiate for the boards and posting it in another language could just be a way of getting around the rules. I'm not saying that's what's going on, just that it could so you need to be careful.

[a1s]

I'm aware of that.
however jokes have been posted many times that weren't in english and while some of the enjoyment of the joke is lost in translation some is retained or at the very least (if the joke is not comperhensible by an english speaker) it gives you insight into national mentality.

[Himmler]

if you don;t like it you don't need to read it! you're not hired to read my jokes. now go to sleep ~.~
it's not "national mumbo-jumbo" it's untranslatable!
if the admins will find a problem in my post i'm sure they'll take measures.

[a1s]

I don't know if I like it- I haven't been able to read it :max:
and I never said it was mumbo-jumbo I said it gives insight into national menatlity. no insult intended.
BTW, that's definetly romanian right? I can't seem to find abou 1/3 of the words in a dictionary... :unsure:

[Himmler]

well that's the thing..i can't translate it cause there are complicated romanian words..almost all of them. and the beggining is from a children song. it's something like : in the forrest with peanuts three dwarfes had a house.a bird comes and sais that hard-to-understand words. epilogue: the bird was instantly shot...now don't tell me that makes you laugh LOL

[a1s]

no. But I've seen and told jokes like that.

and jesus asketh the people (has to be said in a that old style schurch lexicon):
what am I?
and the people did answer:
you are the the representation of our tendency tawards paradox illusions.
and jesus asketh:
wha? :blink:

[rlbell]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(a1s @ Jun 14 2006, 06:16 PM) 236827</div>
I'm aware of that.
however jokes have been posted many times that weren't in english and while some of the enjoyment of the joke is lost in translation some is retained or at the very least (if the joke is not comperhensible by an english speaker) it gives you insight into national mentality.
[/b]

I am blessed with a fairly fluent command of both english(native) and french(learned), the two best languages for puns (according to the people that translated Goscinny and Uderzo's Asterix books).

Humor is difficult to translate. Alot of it is tied to language and culture. Being able to read the english and french versions of the same Asterix story, I quickly realize that while the jokes are always in the same place and relate to the same theme in the panel, french puns that do not translate are replaced with different english puns. I watched a two man play at a tiny theatre in Paris (Un Sacre Monstre?, Un Vrai monstre?, it was 1989 and I cannot remember the title) about a writer and a journalist for a literary magazine. There was a discussion about whether it was appropriate to say that someone had the brains of a plank of wood (un but, bou ?), instead of the brains of a flea (pou). I was the only one who did not bust a gut laughing. Not that I did not get the joke, but that I did not find it that funny. I did laugh at the comedy of repitition joke and the writer's continuing referrals to his brother Benoit (If anyone can refresh my memory, I would be indebted)

[heLL0]

:offtopic:

[Mighty Midget]

Not sure if this was posted (sorry, but I'm lazy today) but anyway, here's one I copied and pasted:

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[Grinder]

Nice one.

[a1s]

A black person is crawling through the desert. he is thirsty and on his last strength when he suddenly finds a lamp. He rubs it, a genie comes out and tells him he has three wishes.
"okay -says the black person- I want lots of water. and women. and I allso want to be white."
so the genie grants him those wishes- makes him a toilet in a womens restroom.

P.S. I know piggggg (and others probably) will take offence at this joke. please don't - it's not actulay racist and the black persons desire to be withe is essential to the story.

[guesst]

porcelin comes in black. But yes, it wouldn't be as funny. However, it IS racist and non-PC. Still, it's kinda funny.

[ReamusLQ]

I find racist jokes hilarious because they are based on stereo-types, and those are just hilarious. I don't find them offensive at all.

[ReamusLQ]

Warning: Racist joke below! Do not read if you are easily offended!

















Why do black people hate aspirin?

It's white, it works, and you have to pick cotton to get it.

[troop18546]

LOL Good one.

[Free Willy]

not good joke


2 peoples walk on street and



















middle one fall in a hole

[Mighty Midget]

This fellow has been abroad on a business trip, and his missus is waiting for him back home. One day a telegram arrives at her doorstep. It reads: "Dear Wilma. I am so sorry for my delayed return, but at this moment I'm laying flat out with angina pectoris". At this moment, the enraged Wilma writes a letter that reads: You bastard! Get her out of your bed and head back here immediately!"

[4Dsheep]

A rabbit walks into a bakery and asks the baker: "You gots any carrot pie?" to which the baker responds: "Sorry, I haven't."

The next morning, the rabbit is back, and asks again: "You gots any carrot pie now?" to which the baker responds: "Sorry, no."

This continues for a few days, until the baker one night decides to bake a carrot pie. It smells absolutely horrendous, "but hey," he reasons, "it's a rabbit."

When the rabbit walks in that morning, the baker says: "Just this night I've baked a carrot pie!" to which the rabbit responds: "Disgusting, innit?"

[Dark Piedone]

In the last years of XIX century, Johnny went to a fortuneteller to have it's future told:
"Millions of people will die, hundreds of children will be orphans and whole nations will crumble... and this only because of you !"
As Johnny walks back home, wondering how can be possible to cause such a big damage he sees a young boy screaming and a train coming toward him with a high speed. Johnny saves the boy in the last moment:
"My God, you could get killed back there, luckily I saved your life, what's your name ?"
"Adolf... Adolf Hitler".

[guesst]

From this (http://www.abandonia.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=10958&st=15#) thread...
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Japofran @ Jun 26 2006, 03:44 AM) 239662</div>
Extreme Christian golf? LOL You should link some youtube footage from a championship of that sport, it must be worth watching. LOL[/b]So out on the golf course, 6th hole, Moses tees off, hits the ball, and as it's coming down it's pretty clear he's not quite going to clear the lake. So he raises his hands, the a mighty east wind arises and the lake parts hither and thither, his ball *plink* bounces off the dry lake bed and on to the green.

"Good shot," Jesus says, who then takes his turn to tee. Jesus hits the ball and it's even shorter than Moses, clearly heading for the middle of the lake. But instead of going through the surface of the lake the ball bounces once, twice, three times across the surface of the lake, rolls across the surface of the lake, and up to the green. Moses conceeds that Jesus had a pretty good shot too.

Then the third golfer in their team tees up, hits the ball, and makes histories worst slice. Moses and Jesus can't belive their eyes and start laughing hysterically. The ball flys into the nearby woods and Moses and Jesus are besides themselves. A squirel runs out of the woods and what's in his little hands but the same golf ball that just got hit, caring it like a nut. As the squirel runs off to find a place to hide his accusition a hawk flys from the sky and snatches the rodent. Up and up the hawk caries it's prey who writes and wriggles to get free eventually dropping the ball from 25 feet direcly over the hole for a remarkable hole-in-one.

No longer laughing, Jesus turns his head and says, "Okay, that was a pretty good shot, Dad."

Golfing and Christianity. I've got more.

[Japo]

LOL Kind of MontyPythonish...

[rlbell]

A methodist minister, a catholic priest, and a jewish rabbi pool together to buy a car. The methodist blessed the car. The catholic added some holy water to the bucket, so he could baptise it as he gave it its first washing. The rabbi borrowed a hacksaw from a friend and removed the tip of the exhaust pipe

[Modeus]

Not really funny joke, but it amuses ME, so ill type it:

Once a beggar was walking through the woods, picking berries. Suddenly, he heard a loud voice shout:
- Greetings, poor man! I am Robin Hood, defender of the poor!
- Oh thank god it's you, i've heard about your great deeds!
- Today i have a record, i shot and robbed 10 rich people! Here, have this expensive fur coat i took from the rcih!
- Oh thank you Robin *puts on the fur coat, starts walking away*
- Stop right there, rich bastard! The poor folks are starving, and you are walking around in expensive clothes!
- But Robin, its me ! !
- *shoots the beggar*
Ha-ha ! Got 11 now.


Yeeah i know, but i like it.

[guesst]

So Moses and Jesus are out on the links. They're on the 16th hole with a particularly difficult shot over a large water trap. Jesus lines up his shot and Moses stops him saying, "Are you nuts? Shoot around the lake, you'll never make it over."
Jesus says, "Na, I saw Tiger Woods make this shot. I can make it." He shoots and ends up with a wet ball. "Mulligan," Jesus calls and drops another ball. "If Tiger can make it, I can." He shoots, drops it in the lake again, and calls, "Mulligan. I can make any shot Tiger can."
But when the third ball lands in the drink Moses saysm "Oh, no. You play it where it lays."
So Jesus steps out onto the lake and is walking across the surface looking for his ball in the lake when someone spots him and yells, "Look'it here everybody! This guy must think he's Jesus to be doing that."
Moses yells out, "No, he thinks he's Tiger Woods!"

[FISHCHAIR]

i mannaged to pack in smoking the other day, i got two nicotine patches
of the doctor. i stuck them on my eyes so i couldnt find my cigerets. worked a treat
LOL

[Mighty Midget]

Bill Hicks (something along these lines):
This guy comes up to me and says "yeah, I'm a heavy smoker. I smoke two packs a day".
What's he yappin about, that sissy, I smoke two lighters a day.

[Japo]

The joke about the car reminded me of this. A physicist, a chemist and a computer expert get into a car. They try to start it but the car won't.

The physicist says, "Looks like there's a problem with the spark plugs."

The chemist says, "No, this sound is telling me that the mixture is wrong."

And the computer expert says, "Why don't we just get out and get in again?"





You know, kind of resetting...

Another one. A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are dared to calculate the volume (cubic metres) occupied by a cow (yes a cow).

The physicist says, "The only thing we must do is weighting the cow and dividing the result by the cow's average density."

The engineer says, "But you have no way of knowing the density. What we must do is submerging the cow in water so that we can see the volume of water displaced."

And then the mathematician says, "Let's suppose the cow is spherical."





Yes, this jokes are kind of geeky. :P

[Free Willy]

guy and girl go to doctor for they no have good sex
doctor say "do it now so i see what rong"
they do it and all like porno film for 25 minutes
doctor say "noting rong go home"
guy and girl come back in one month for they no have good sex again
doctor say "ok do it now so i see if one thing rong now"
again very porno sex and doctor say "noting rong go home"
2 week later this guy and girl back one more time
doctor angry "i dont think you have problem! y you come?"
guy say "it rain we no have car and me parents are home so we need place to sex"

[Grinder]

Ahem.

[a1s]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Grinder @ Jun 28 2006, 03:23 PM) 240176</div>
Ahem.
[/b]
LOL :hysterical: LOL :hysterical: LOL :hysterical: LOL
:wallbash: you're killing me, say it again! :wallbash:
LOL :hysterical: LOL :hysterical: LOL :hysterical: LOL

[Grinder]

Ahem.




....hey, I just got my own joke.
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
got enough?

[Free Willy]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Grinder @ Jun 29 2006, 02:14 AM) 240323</div>
Ahem.




....hey, I just got my own joke.
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
got enough?
[/b]
were your joke Grinder?

[chainsoar]

An American guy on holiday in France is sitting down one morning, enjoying his breakfast, when he sees a Frenchman come sidling up towards him, and take a seat just across the table. The American ignores him but the Frenchman, chewing gum loudly, strikes up a conversation nonetheless. "You american folk, you eat ze whole bread?" he asks, grinning and cracking his gum between his teeth. "Of course we do", replies the American. "We don't", the Frenchman says smugly, "we hollow eet out, recycle ze crusts to make croissants, and sell zem to the Americans." "You Americans, you eat jam?" He then asks, his grin growing ever wider. "Yes", replies the American, "We do". "We don't" replies the Frenchman, "we eat ze whole fruit, and recycle all ze pips and peel and so on, and then we sell it as jam to ze Americans". The American, growing tired of this smug little man's taunts, then asks "You French folk..do you have sex?". "Of course we do" says the Frenchman. "And do you throw the condoms away afterwards?" asks the American. "Yes, of course", says the Frenchman. "We don't" the American says, "We recycle them, make them into chewing gum and sell it to the French".

[Grinder]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Willy the Whale @ Jun 29 2006, 09:38 PM) 240593</div>
were your joke Grinder?
[/b]
Eeehm no.

[a1s]

what he meant to say was: "highly repected Grider, would you be so kind as to show me your joke please"
don't pick on people for their [lack of] grammar.

[Grinder]

Oh, don't get me wrong, I wasn't picking on his grammer, it's just that I had absolutely no idea what the joke was.
Sorry if I sounded insulting. No pun intended :)

[Himmler]

Are you male or female??????






To know the answer, look down...




















































































Not here, stupid LOL

[Grinder]

Good for a smile, at least.

[Himmler]

yours was worse ....

[Grinder]

People, for the last time, it was not a joke.
And that was a compliment, Himmler.

[Mighty Midget]

A Cockney joke

A London gentleman found himself one day over at East End when a young, attractive girl was passing by. Suddenly a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.

"A bit airy..." remarked the gentleman.

Hearing this, the girl replied indignantly, " 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"

[Japo]

I got it even before reading the girl's reply. LOL

[rlbell]

Back in the summer of 1986, just after the american air raid on Tripoli (in Libya), people were afraid to fly, out of fear of terrorism. There was such a dearth of american tourists that the parisians were forced to insult each other.

[a1s]

three shops are standing in a row. so to make himeslf different the owner of the rightmost shop hangs a sign "we have lowest prices!". owner of the leftmost shop decides to keep up and hangs a sign "we have highest quality of goods". the owner of the middle shop thinks for some time and hangs a sing "MAIN ENTRANCE".

[Maramil]

John and his granny are taking a walk. John sees $10 lying on the ground. John wants to pick it up but his granny says:"If something has been lying on the ground, don't pick it up!". Later he sees a wallet lying on the ground but then again:"If something has been lying on the ground, don't pick it up, John!" Later his granny trips and falls on the ground. She cries:"Help me John!". (You got it already) Then John says:"I can't! If something has been lying on the ground I shouldn't pick it up!"

:hysterical:

(Ok, not really funny, but I had to say something...)

[Mighty Midget]

"But I don't like Dad"
"Shut up and eat your dinner before he gets cold!"

[rlbell]

My father liked to drink whiskey. So much so that he drank one bottle a day, every day, for most of his life. He passed away, back in May, at the age of 80, and, in accordance with his final wishes, his body was cremated. They are still trying to put the fire out

[troop18546]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(rlbell @ Aug 9 2006, 10:36 AM) 247457</div>
My father liked to drink whiskey. So much so that he drank one bottle a day, every day, for most of his life. He passed away, back in May, at the age of 80, and, in accordance with his final wishes, his body was cremated. They are still trying to put the fire out
[/b]

Is that for real or a joke? :blink:
If it's a joke then > LOL

[Playbahnosh]

"Not every chemical element is hazardous. Without Hydrogen and Oxygen, for instance, there won't be water. An important part of beer."
Dave Barry, Miami Herald

(Not an exact quote though but...LOL )

[a1s]

An International archeological conference.
first a german archeologist takes the stand.
-we have dug 10 metres into german soil and have found copper. this proves that 100 years ago german allready had telephone.
next a british archeologist takes the stand, and says:
- we have dug 50 metres into the ground and hev found glass. this proves that the british allready had a fiberoptic cables 500 years ago.
fianly a Russian (Indian, Scottsih, etc.) arechelogis comes and says:
-we have dug 100 metres into the ground, and have found absolutely nothing. this proves that 1000 years ago russians had wireless connection.

[whatshisface]

Nasty joke :sneaky: :sneaky: :sneaky:




How do you castrate a boy from alabama?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

[rlbell]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(troop18546 @ Aug 13 2006, 11:15 AM) 248302</div>
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(rlbell @ Aug 9 2006, 10:36 AM) 247457
My father liked to drink whiskey. So much so that he drank one bottle a day, every day, for most of his life. He passed away, back in May, at the age of 80, and, in accordance with his final wishes, his body was cremated. They are still trying to put the fire out
[/b]

Is that for real or a joke? :blink:
If it's a joke then > LOL
[/b][/quote]

Its a joke.

Deadpan is hard to do over a text link.

I have the only truly accurate globe, but everybody else keeps using it, as it is too large to keep in my home. Its 1:1 scale.

Something funnier:

My father was such a miser that he set the thermostat to a mere 14 degrees C, and he turned it down at night. We would put butter in the fridge to keep it soft. One cold january morning, the furnace broke down and nobody noticed, until noon. Finally, my father bought a heat pump-- a marvelous invention that makes the house so cold that heat flows in from outside.

[Mighty Midget]

Here's a Bill Hicks quote I really like:
"Tell you, the worst kind of non-smokers' the kind where you're smokin' and they just walk up to you ... [starts coughing affectedly] I always say, 'Sh*t, you're lucky you don't smoke. That's some cough you got there, dude. I'm smoking, you're coughing. Wow.' That's kind of cruel, man. Going up to a smoker and coughing. Sh*t! Do you go up to crippled people dancing too, you f***s? 'Hey, Mr. Wheelchair. What's your problem? Come on ironside, race ya!'"

[chainsoar]

Bill Hicks rocks my world. One of the most memorable quotes of his, in my mind at least -

"I've noticed a lot of christians wear a crucifix around their neck. Ya think if Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see that f***ing thing again? It's kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a sniper rifle pendant. 'Hey Jackie, we loved John' *rifle motion* bang!"

[JimmyJ]

You look like a million dollers. All green and crumply!

[Mighty Midget]

Just a few questions (not really all that adult :P):

Do psycho crocodiles kill in warm blood?

Do coroners really work with stiffies all day?

How much wood and how many peckers does it take to make a woodpecker?

How do we know if the original sin really is the original?

Which one of the deadly sins is the most deadly, and how deadly is it?

Would the mean distance to the moon still be mean if we gave it a big, cuddly hug?

Q: How many actors and actresses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: First, you tell me how to get inside a lightbulb.

[Himmler]

He : You remind me of the sea.
She : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
He : No, because you make me sick.

[giganto]

ok, heres one.

one day at an elementry school, the teacher wanted the students to share stories with a moral. the teacher then calls up cindy. "Cindy, would you tell us your story now?" "Yes ma'am. Well, one day me and my daddy were taking some chicken eggs into town. then we hit a bump in the road, and all the eggs fell out of the basket!" "I see, and what is the moral of the story, Cindy?" "Dont put all of your eggs in one basket!" "Well done, Cindy! Now, Bobby, why don't you share your story?" "Yes ma'am. Well, when my Uncle Buck was in Vietnam, he was piloting a helicopter through enemy territory. Then, the engine on the helicopter died, just as he was over a clearing filled with 60 enemy troops. All he had was a bottle of scotch, a machete, and a machine gun. On the way down, he drank the bottle of scotch. Then, when he came down, he killed 30 troops with the machine gun, 20 with the machete, and 10 with his bare hands." "My goodness! What a horrible story! And what is the moral, Bobby?" "Don't *meep* with Uncle Buck when he's drunk!"

[troop18546]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(chadtherodentslayer @ Sep 3 2006, 08:14 AM) 252524</div>
ok, heres one.

one day at an elementry school, the teacher wanted the students to share stories with a moral. the teacher then calls up cindy. "Cindy, would you tell us your story now?" "Yes ma'am. Well, one day me and my daddy were taking some chicken eggs into town. then we hit a bump in the road, and all the eggs fell out of the basket!" "I see, and what is the moral of the story, Cindy?" "Dont put all of your eggs in one basket!" "Well done, Cindy! Now, Bobby, why don't you share your story?" "Yes ma'am. Well, when my Uncle Buck was in Vietnam, he was piloting a helicopter through enemy territory. Then, the engine on the helicopter died, just as he was over a clearing filled with 60 enemy troops. All he had was a bottle of scotch, a machete, and a machine gun. On the way down, he drank the bottle of scotch. Then, when he came down, he killed 30 troops with the machine gun, 20 with the machete, and 10 with his bare hands." "My goodness! What a horrible story! And what is the moral, Bobby?" "Don't *meep* with Uncle Buck when he's drunk!"
[/b]

:hysterical: good one, LOL.

[Grinder]

Awesome jokes, Himmler and chadtherodentslayer.

[U-Boat Commander David]

I Hope this is Allowed. I got it from a German Americas Army forum, i just Translated the Text to English in Paint.

Sorry for the Big Size but otherwise you can't Read the text... :unsure:

http://img117.imageshack.us/img117/147/56ksucksee9.jpg

[Grinder]

Can I have the original please?

[U-Boat Commander David]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Grinder @ Sep 4 2006, 01:38 PM) 252705</div>
Can I have the original please?
[/b]

No Problem.

http://img357.imageshack.us/img357/4299/56kscheissehb9.jpg

[Icewolf]

You translated wrong, UBC!!! <_<

[U-Boat Commander David]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Icewolf @ Sep 4 2006, 02:15 PM) 252712</div>
You translated wrong, UBC!!! <_<
[/b]

Don't Lay the Blame on me! Damn google Translator... :wallbash:

[Grinder]

For everyone else:




HOW DO YOU SPOT.......


......A SNIPER WITH A 56K MODEM???
.......................................muck.

[TheChosen]

"YEEAH! Finland finally won the Eurovision Song Contest!"
"Finland? I tought those guys were from Mordor!"

[Himmler]

LOL

[Mighty Midget]

^^ :hysterical:

[Himmler]

in 1800 Dracula ate virgins...in 2006 he died of starvation(?). 99% truthful.

damn my english sucks

[Grinder]

It's correct, though.

[Vendermarch]

Several facts about Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sleeps with pillow under his gun
Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He only tells the bank how much he needs.
Time won't wait for anyone... unless it's Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can win monopoly without owning any streets.
Chuck Norris went on a space expedition to prove that we are alone in space. Now we are.
Chuck Norris once visited Virgin Islands. Now they are called Islands.
Chuck Norris doesn't have alcohol problem. The Alcohol has a problem with Chuck Norris.
At the end of every episode of "Walker - Texas Ranger" it's not credits. It's casualities.
The scene in which Chuck Norris got beaten by Bruce Lee had the most expensive special effects to date.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he got tired of killing people.
Chuck Norris doesn't leave messages. He leaves warnings.
Chuck Norris sleeps with lights on. Not because he's afraid of the dark. The Darkness is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Arnold said "Ill be back" in first Terminator. He only went to ask Chuck Norris for help.
Chuck Norris once survived suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
When Chuck Norris raises his middle finger, he only shows you how much seconds of life you have left.
The Chinese Great wall was originaly built to stop Chuck Norris. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris counted to infinite. Twice.
Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. Death was afraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris separates his laundry into three heaps. White, Colour and Bloody.
When the Boogieman goes to sleep, he looks under the bed to see if Chuck Norris is there.
Chuck Norris often donates blood for the Red Cross. But not his own.
Chuck Norris once played russian roulette with fully loaded gun. And won.
When Chuck Norris falls into water he's not wet. The water is Chuck Norris.
There's no evolution theory. Only list of species that Chuck Norris left alive.
When Chuck Norris is late, the time should slow down for it's own sake.
Chuck Norris can burn ants with magnifier. At night.
Chuck Norris is the only person who beat the concrete wall in tennis.
Chuck Norris' tears heal cancer. Too bad he never cries.
On the last page of Guiness Record Book there's mentioned that Chuck Norris holds all of them. The people mentioned there are just closest to him.
Some people wear pajamas with Superman. Superman wears pajamas with Chuck Norris.
There are no races. Only people who got beaten by Chuck Norris to different shades of black blue and yellow.
Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at KFC and he got it.
There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris destroyed the table of elemets. He only acknowledges one. Element of surprise.
In Nagasaki there was no bomb. It was Chuck Norris.
The handicaped sign on parking lot means, that Chuck Norris will make you handicaped if you'll park there.
In regular Living Room there are 1242 things that Chuck Norris could use to kill you. Including the Room itself.
Chuck Norris never sleeps. He only waits.
Weapons doesn't kill. Chuck Norris does.
The most common causes of death in USA are: 1: Heart Diseases 2: Chuck Norris 3: Cancer
Space exists only because it's afraid to be on one planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He only presses them to get information.
Chuck Norris is so fast, that he could run around the earth and hit himself into back.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 74 and all of them are deadly
Chuck Norris knows the last number of Pi
Chuck Norris invented whole color spectrum except pink. That was invented by Tom Cruise.
Chuck Norris can stretch diamond, transforming it back into coal.
There's no global warming. Only Chuck Norris pulled the earth closer to sun when he felt cold.
When god said: Be light. Chuck Norris waited till he kindly asks him to.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse into it's jaw. Henceforth it was know as giraffe.
Ozzy Osbourne bites off bat heads. Chuck Norris does that to Tigers.
Chuck Norris can make a bubble from beef steak.
When you say "No one's perfect" Chuck Norris takes that as personal insult.

^_^ Sorry if mistranslated something :)

[Danny252]

Sure that's been posted before, whoever Chuck Norris is

[Grinder]

Some actor. Dunno him, but the facts rule.

[Vendermarch]

http://img167.imageshack.us/img167/3010/chuckdolloa4.jpg
http://img168.imageshack.us/img168/2180/chucknorrisphotographc12141670ut8.th.jpg (http://img168.imageshack.us/my.php?image=chucknorrisphotographc12141670ut8.jpg )

[Himmler]

LOL you don't know CHUCK NORRIS? :O :O

[Mighty Midget]

^^That has to be the weirdest joke of all time o_O That action figure is worse than the new generation star wars AFs

The best thing about Chucky is when Bruce Lee kicks his a$$

[Himmler]

Chuck Norris is invincible O.O

[Japo]

http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m87/japofran/chucknorrisxf7.jpg

^
If you don't know me, you'll know me soon enough. Say your prayers![/b]

[Himmler]

before complaining about lag think of Jesus...he lagged 3 days before respawning :hysterical:

[nace]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Vendermarch @ Sep 13 2006, 01:02 PM) 254764</div>
Several facts about Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sleeps with pillow under his gun
Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He only tells the bank how much he needs.
Time won't wait for anyone... unless it's Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can win monopoly without owning any streets.
Chuck Norris went on a space expedition to prove that we are alone in space. Now we are.
Chuck Norris once visited Virgin Islands. Now they are called Islands.
Chuck Norris doesn't have alcohol problem. The Alcohol has a problem with Chuck Norris.
At the end of every episode of "Walker - Texas Ranger" it's not credits. It's casualities.
The scene in which Chuck Norris got beaten by Bruce Lee had the most expensive special effects to date.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he got tired of killing people.
Chuck Norris doesn't leave messages. He leaves warnings.
Chuck Norris sleeps with lights on. Not because he's afraid of the dark. The Darkness is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Arnold said "Ill be back" in first Terminator. He only went to ask Chuck Norris for help.
Chuck Norris once survived suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
When Chuck Norris raises his middle finger, he only shows you how much seconds of life you have left.
The Chinese Great wall was originaly built to stop Chuck Norris. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris counted to infinite. Twice.
Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. Death was afraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris separates his laundry into three heaps. White, Colour and Bloody.
When the Boogieman goes to sleep, he looks under the bed to see if Chuck Norris is there.
Chuck Norris often donates blood for the Red Cross. But not his own.
Chuck Norris once played russian roulette with fully loaded gun. And won.
When Chuck Norris falls into water he's not wet. The water is Chuck Norris.
There's no evolution theory. Only list of species that Chuck Norris left alive.
When Chuck Norris is late, the time should slow down for it's own sake.
Chuck Norris can burn ants with magnifier. At night.
Chuck Norris is the only person who beat the concrete wall in tennis.
Chuck Norris' tears heal cancer. Too bad he never cries.
On the last page of Guiness Record Book there's mentioned that Chuck Norris holds all of them. The people mentioned there are just closest to him.
Some people wear pajamas with Superman. Superman wears pajamas with Chuck Norris.
There are no races. Only people who got beaten by Chuck Norris to different shades of black blue and yellow.
Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at KFC and he got it.
There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris destroyed the table of elemets. He only acknowledges one. Element of surprise.
In Nagasaki there was no bomb. It was Chuck Norris.
The handicaped sign on parking lot means, that Chuck Norris will make you handicaped if you'll park there.
In regular Living Room there are 1242 things that Chuck Norris could use to kill you. Including the Room itself.
Chuck Norris never sleeps. He only waits.
Weapons doesn't kill. Chuck Norris does.
The most common causes of death in USA are: 1: Heart Diseases 2: Chuck Norris 3: Cancer
Space exists only because it's afraid to be on one planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He only presses them to get information.
Chuck Norris is so fast, that he could run around the earth and hit himself into back.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 74 and all of them are deadly
Chuck Norris knows the last number of Pi
Chuck Norris invented whole color spectrum except pink. That was invented by Tom Cruise.
Chuck Norris can stretch diamond, transforming it back into coal.
There's no global warming. Only Chuck Norris pulled the earth closer to sun when he felt cold.
When god said: Be light. Chuck Norris waited till he kindly asks him to.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse into it's jaw. Henceforth it was know as giraffe.
Ozzy Osbourne bites off bat heads. Chuck Norris does that to Tigers.
Chuck Norris can make a bubble from beef steak.
When you say "No one's perfect" Chuck Norris takes that as personal insult.

^_^ Sorry if mistranslated something :)
[/b]

This is one of the most hillarious things ihave ever red :butcher: :hysterical:

There was this rabbit. He got drunk as hell in a bar near the forrest and made his way home. But he was so drunk and he got lost somewhere in the monutains. Ha walked for a while, and in the end he passed out. It was winter - there was no food, no grass, no flowers no meat, no nothing - the crisis period of the year. In a while a gang of wolves found him laying in the snow. They were too many to share him, about 20 of them (wolves) .So they started arguing, then they started fighting, then they started killing each other-it was a massacre.
The next morning the rabbit wakes up, streches, and takes a look around him: blood, brains, tails, legs, arms, heads, eyes, bones, scalves... around him. He says to him self:
"Man, I don`t know what am I doing when im drunk."

---------------------------

Behind 7 monutains, behind 7 seas, behind 7 hills, behind 7 continents, behind 7 rivers, behind 7 forests, behind 7 countries, behind 7 lakes and behind 7 trees, once lived a dragon. One day the dragon wakes up an says:
"Where the hell am I living"

[troop18546]

Last 2 from Nace - LOL. ROFL.

[gregor]

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


------------------------------



On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[chainsoar]

I've got some more Chuck Norris facts for ya -

1.Some household cleaning products claim to kill 99% of all known germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.
2.There is no chin under Chuck's beard. Only another fist.
3.Chuck Norris has two speeds - walk, and kill.
4.When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
5.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6.Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
7.Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
8.Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
9.Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
10.Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
11.Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
12.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
13.When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
14.Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
15.Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
16.Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
17.Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
18.Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
19.Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
20.Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

20 is enough, there are thousands of them out there on the interweb.

[nace]

Chuck Noris rulez :brain: :wallbash: :hysterical: :monkey_dance: :rifle: :butcher: :hysterical:

You do realise that he will kill us all, including Kosta :D

[TheChosen]

My new idol.

But hey! I got a joke.

A potato seller was walking down a street with a sack full of potatoes. When he passed a skycraper, he heard a voice : Gimme potatoe's, gimme potatoe's.

That voice came from the toppest floor of the building. The seller tought that someone wanted to buy potatoes, so he entered the building.

However, the elevator was broken, so he had to take the stairs.

After he finally made it to the top, he found a parrot.

The parrot said: Gimme potatoe's, gimme potatoe's.

Potato seller became angry. He grabbed the parrot and tossed him out of the window.

While falling down, the parrot passed a window cleaner, who just dropped from the roof.

" I see. Did you tried to buy potatoes too?" Parrot asked.

[Himmler]

couldn't laugh..sorry :(

[nace]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Himmler @ Oct 4 2006, 01:45 PM) 259343</div>
couldn't laugh..sorry :(
[/b]
LOL

[Xikarita]

Once upon a time there was a man who owned a pet rabbit. The little critter was a complete pervert and tried to copulate with anything that moved: canaries, tortoises, cats, dogs, the neighbour's hamster, the neighbour's wife...
...eventually, and after numerous complaints, the man decides to get rid of his furry lustful friend. He puts him in his car, drives all the way to the desert and drops him there.

The following day, the man is filled with remorse. He decides to search for his bunny and races to the place where he had dropped him.

After a few hours of searching under the scorching sun, the man finds his bunny lying on his back, seemingly lifeless. Vultures are flying around it.
He bursts into tears:

''My poor, poor bunny! What have I done?! I loved you so much, and now you're dead!!!!''

And suddenly....

''Schhhhh...shut up, dammit!!!'', the bunny whispers. ''You just wait until those hot-looking vultures land....''

[nace]

Yeah, thats a horny rabbit allright :D
Rabbits also rule :D

[gregor]

It's annual superheroes new years party. Batman and Spiderman are chatting.
All of a sudden the Hulk rushes in all red and perplexed.

"Whats up" asked Batman?

"Well i was upstairs looking for the toilet and i passed the bedroom and saw Wonder Women naked on the bed and moaning and groaning. I started feeling randy and thought what the hell and jumped on top of her!"

"Was she surprised?" asked Spiderman.

"Yes but not as surprised as The Invisible Man!"

----

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key."
The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY."

[Japo]

That king thought he could get away with it... LOL

[TheChosen]

This was one of the best joke's i've ever heard. I have never laughed so much!

On the backstage at Hamlet, we (the guys) were talking about Titanic, the movie. One of us mentioned the scene, where the two main characters have sex in a car.

I said: "I wonder what they were doing in there"

Other one said: "Playing billiards"

:hysterical:

[Japo]

:huh: :rolleyes:

[troop18546]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(TheChosen @ Nov 19 2006, 08:35 AM) 267567</div>
This was one of the best joke's i've ever heard. I have never laughed so much!

On the backstage at Hamlet, we (the guys) were talking about Titanic, the movie. One of us mentioned the scene, where the two main characters have sex in a car.

I said: "I wonder what they were doing in there"

Other one said: "Playing billiards"

:hysterical:
[/b]

Moronically funny LOL.

[verek_22]

This is a very old one, from back when women commonly called thier undies 'drawers'.

The man says to the slightly deaf old woman : "Winter draws on!"
The old woman replies : "No, but i've got the red flanel to make them!"

It really is ancient.

[Tulac]

OK maybe it was posted already but I can't bother to read through the whole topic :P

Body: Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs rpsoet it.

[A. J. Raffles]

Oh, just three or four times...:whistling:

[Tulac]

Gah tghout so, wlel tehre's no hram in rpesotnig it tehn?

[nace]

Fai fui chan chi choh-sei um!
ches tai um bla bla ki?
ja ja

pui oi boi koi toi soi mostovoi?
oi oi oi oi pokiju pij bgyrk kjooi...
^_^

[Mighty Midget]

Waht Tlauc siad, aubot wrieldy slepled wrdos, ramines ture atlhogug bzirare. Aynawy:

Two elderly couples were having tea on a grassy knoll outside the retirement home. They were talking about this and that, and eventually they began to talk about where they had their honeymoon. One of the men said in a very fond voice: "Ah, the honeymoon. That trip will live with me as long as I live". The other man asked where they had traveled, whereupon the first man's age suddenly took it's toll on his memory. He searched his memory, but just couldn't recall. Finally, he said "Name a variety of the potatoe". "A potat... why? What has potatoes got to..", "just name one, please" he implored. "Well, there's Alpha, and there's...", "no, that's not it, please go on", "ok, then there's Caesar", "no that's not it either", "hmmm, there's Matilda", "YES! That's it: Matilda!" the man cried out happily, "Matilda dear, where did we go on our honeymoon?"

[Himmler]

A guy comes home from a hard day at work and finds his girlfriend standing
on the front porch with her bags packed.
As he walks up she says, "I'm leaving you."
"Now what did I do?" he asks.
"Well, I just found out you're a pedophile."
"A pedophile, huh. That's a big word for a twelve year old girl."
LOL

[Mighty Midget]

That's disgustingly funny LOL

[Himmler]

i know LOL

[Havell]

What's worse than half a dog?

AIDS

[RedHeadSebbe]

I´ll do some CPR on this tread :)

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says
-"I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?"

The trooper responded,
-"Troopers don't have balls, ma'am."

After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away...

[chainsoar]

A Jewish guy and a Chinese guy are in a bar, sitting side by side on their barstools. After a while the Jewish guy leaps off his stool and punches the Chinese guy in the head, knocking him off his barstool. "What the HELL was that for?" the Chinese guy cries. "That was for Pearl Harbor" replies the Jew. "That was the Japanese, you idiot! I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man. The Jew answers, "Buck teeth, slitty eyes, it's all the same to me". The Chinese man gets back on his barstool and goes quiet for a while. Then, all of a sudden, he jumps out of his seat and hammers the Jew in the head, knocking him off the stool and a considerable distance across the floor. The Jew, shocked and in a fair amount of pain, says "I suppose that was revenge, huh?", to which the Chinese man replies, "No. That was for the Titanic, you bastard.". "What are you talking about? What do Jews have to do with that? That was an iceberg, for God's sake!". The Chinese man looks at him and says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, it's all the same to me."

[Himmler]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy" , she
yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10".

See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
"Very good" , said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy" ?
"Yes, it's because you're blonde", her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy, " she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G".

See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!
"Very good", said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy"?
"Yes pumpkin, it's because you're blonde".

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were in gym class today
and when we showering,
all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. > "Very good" , said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy" ?
"No, it's because you're 25."

[nace]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Himmler @ Apr 14 2007, 08:14 PM) 286989</div>
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy" , she
yelled, "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10".

See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
"Very good" , said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy" ?
"Yes, it's because you're blonde", her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy, " she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G".

See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!
"Very good", said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy"?
"Yes pumpkin, it's because you're blonde".

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy", she yelled, "we were in gym class today
and when we showering,
all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. > "Very good" , said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy" ?
"No, it's because you're 25."
[/b]
:tai: :ok:

[Grinder]

:D :D :D LOL LOL LOL :D :D :D
Very good.

[Himmler]

At a boring trial, when almost everybody fell asleep, a drunken yells at the attorney:
-Kiss my behind!
-Outside!
-NO! HERE, so everybody can see!

[Grinder]

Nice to see you're reviving a good thread, but that is too lame :P

[_r.u.s.s.]

from my own multi-langual experience, i bet the joke sounds million times better in romanian
just english isnt language suitied for those kind of jokes=)

[Himmler]

...exactly LOL

[ianfreddie07]

My cousin told me a true and funny story while she was in the mall yesterday. It's considered a joke for me.

When she bought a thong and is about to pay for it, an old lady, looking like she's in her 60s, got the thong from her, raised it and said delightfully: "OOOH, thong! Saan mo nakuha ito?"

Translating to:
"OOOH, thong! Where did you get this?"

It's funny for me. LMAO :bleh:

[Himmler]

could we see the thong on your cousin? pretty pls

[ianfreddie07]

Sorry, but no. I don't think she's wearing it! Plus she's just 14. Probably there's an age ban. ^_^

[chainsoar]

According to TV, this "joke" would have a German audience rolling in the aisles.



"There are two cows standing in a field. Suddenly a rabbit hops out of a bush and runs off. One of the cows stops, looks around a bit, and then eats some grass!"







Har Har.

[Japo]

I assume there would be three sexual innuendoes for every two German words there? :huh:

[Dave]

This is horrible, but maybe you'll laugh:
Do you know what is little, yellow and very dangerous??A canary with a shotgun :blink:

[_r.u.s.s.]

LOL

[Mighty Midget]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(David86 @ May 19 2007, 07:01 PM) 290893</div>
This is horrible, but maybe you'll laugh:
Do you know what is little, yellow and very dangerous??A canary with a shotgun :blink:
[/b]

^_^

reminds me of:

What goes 'round and around being dangerous to one and all?

A vicious circle

As David86 said quote, it's quite horrible... but not as bad as this:


A Soviet captain based in xxxxxxxxx was studying a xxxxxxxxxxxx report
A major came into the office, pointed at one of the xxxxxxxx and said
"Now, captain, what is this?"
The captain replied "That, major, is a xxxxxxxxxxxxx"

[_r.u.s.s.]

my classmate wrote a test and there was this exercise:

Make a question out of this sentences:

Jenny has a new car. Who...[/b]
and the answer

cares?

[Sathanas]

:blink:

[Sebatianos]

Nah, I just love it, when I give my classes some preposition excersises and I really get interesting results. You should know that different languages use different prepositions and thus translating them directly doesn't always help.

I get stuff like:
Ben was OVER the garden ON his friend's IN a dog.

Should be: Ben was IN the garden OF his friend's WITH a dog.

But that's really why I hate teaching by coursebooks.

[Taz Devil]

A Dwarf walks into her local doctors and says, "Whenever I am Out walking, my privates get really sore.".

The doctor asks here to remove her pants and lay down on the coutch with her legs open. The doctor looks between her legs, mumbles a bit and says he needs a pair of scissors. A couple of snips later he tels the woman to get off the couch and walk around. She does so and to her amazement there is no pain. "How did you do that?" she says.

"I cut the tops off your wellies!", the doctor replies.

[rlbell]

Esoteric mathie humor:

Q: What do you get when you cross the Alps with an elephant?

A: Alps*elephant*sin(theta)

Q: What do you get when you cross the Alps with a mountaineer?

A: Nothing, a mountaineer is a scalar.

[Romano]

Summer is comming :)

[attachmentid=3998]

[Himmler]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(_r.u.s.s. @ May 19 2007, 08:54 PM) 290910</div>
my classmate wrote a test and there was this exercise:

Make a question out of this sentences:

Jenny has a new car. Who...[/b]
and the answer

cares?
[/b]
AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

[Sebatianos]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(rlbell @ May 26 2007, 04:15 AM) 291391</div>
What do you get when you cross the Alps with an elephant?
[/b]
And I was sure you'd get a historical quote about how you were able to attack Rome but didn't :unsure:

[TheChosen]

You know you have been using too much computer when....

You drive your car over the cliff and the first thing youre trying to do is to push "undo" button.

[Mighty Midget]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(TheChosen @ May 27 2007, 11:25 AM) 291513</div>
You know you have been using too much computer when....
[/b]

... you get smutty patches for Morrowind :bleh:

[Lulu_Jane]

*bites her tongue*

[Japo]

Nah come on tell us :sneaky:

[Sebatianos]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Lulu_Jane @ May 28 2007, 08:13 AM) 291651</div>
*bites her tongue*
[/b]
That sounds almost kinkey :sneaky:

[Himmler]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

[Dave]

:hysterical:

[gregor]

here's one:


How the mad cow disease begun?

A reasonable explanation....

A female TV reporter was searching for clues as to how the mad cow disease broke out. So she asked a farmer:

" Good evening sir. We are exploring the reasons behind mad cow's disease. DO oyu have an opinion on this topic?"

The farmer looks at the reporter and says: " You know... a bull humps the cow once a year."

The woman (*blushing a bit*):
"Well, certainly, this is an interesting piece of information, but what relation does that have with mad cow's disease?"

Farmer:
"Lady, do know we milk the cows four times a day???"

The woman:
"Well sir, this is also an interesting thing, but could you get to the point ?!"

Farmer:
"But that's exactly what i am trying to tell you. Think about it! If i played with your breasts 4 times a day, and screw you only once a year, wouldn't you go mad as well?!?"

[Mighty Midget]

I can't remember if these have already been posted:

Q: What makes the sound "Woof!"?

A: A cat soaked in petroleum and set alight


Q: What makes the sound "Meow!"?

A: A deep frozen dog on a circular saw


Q: What makes the sound "moo"?

A: A cow, stupid.

[Grinder]

Nice, nice, nice. Keep 'em coming.

[Scatty]

The real causers of the global warming:


http://www.landsoflore.de/phpBB2/files/erwischt_174.gif

[Scatty]

Sorry for double-post, but since I need somehow to continue :P

Cats listening to Metal....
http://prospectknights75.org/images/used/rs3.gif

A cat listening to Gangsta Rap...
http://prospectknights75.org/images/used/rs5.gif

[Grinder]

There's more of those cat-music-gif-thingies.

Bring em oooooon!!!!! LOL

[Blood-Pigggy]

Cats are gay.
And that's not a joke.

[Mighty Midget]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Blood-Pigggy @ Jun 17 2007, 11:32 PM) 294858</div>
Cats are gay.
And that's not a joke.
[/b]

Cats are not gay, they're just... hmm.. open minded

[Himmler]

for henning
http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/3531/avatar1322vo4.gif (http://imageshack.us)
http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/5316/avatar3766qo9.gif (http://imageshack.us)
http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/280/image002ce2.gif (http://imageshack.us)
http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/1223/image004vd7.gif (http://imageshack.us)
http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/300/pteahwq21dk3sl6.gif (http://imageshack.us)

one for bp
http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/6015/1723743934413c031be4b2tv6.gif (http://imageshack.us)

and one for me
http://img404.imageshack.us/img404/6013/ththstupidposts1mhny6.gif (http://imageshack.us)

[Blood-Pigggy]

LOLsadasdf, u r teh suck.

[Lulu_Jane]

In all seriousness, I have two cats (one male one female) and the little boy is gay. I know because I've seen him "with" his boyfriend... Well either he's gay or just really really stupid and figuring out feline anatomy.

Even getting him spayed didn't stop his rainbow tendancies. Gotta love mother nature and her mysterious ways :D

[Himmler]

well animals *meep* everything... that's why we are humans...to see the difference(and taste it :>), but some humans are animals, so they become gay.
oh..no... they "were born" gay LOL
that cracks me up every time

[Lulu_Jane]

I'm not touching your logic with a ten-foot pole Himmler, particularly after you and that dolphin thing :D

[Tulac]

http://www.imagechan.com/img/images/1155661374942.png


Ahahahha, KOREA! Ahahaha!

[gregor]

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched the heads.'

[_r.u.s.s.]

:blink:

[stewie90]

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your behind kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

[Geckotide]

Not sure if this is here already, but:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great
fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[JJXB]

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

-----------------------

two cannibals sitting in the jungle eating a clown.

one turns to the other and says 'does this taste funny to you'

-----------------------

a little boy says to his dad "what's love juice dad" so the dad spends 2 hours telling him what it is where it comes from how you get it etc dad says "so where did you hear that" the little boy says " The tennis"

all from sickipedia :D

and yay to the people who posted stuff from b3ta :D

[Geckotide]

<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Tulac @ Jul 13 2007, 07:08 AM) 299214</div>
http://www.imagechan.com/img/images/1155661374942.png


Ahahahha, KOREA! Ahahaha!
[/b]

Gold, I'd have to say America is my favourite :)

[CorruptMylar]

How many Jewish sons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



"Oh no, that's fine dear. I'll just sit here in the dark going blind. Don't trouble yourself."

[thebes]

Blonde takes her car into the shop to get fixed as her car has been sputtering and dying. Next day she goes to get her car out. She asks the mechanic about her car. He says " Oh yeah, nothing big, just crap in your carburetor." "How often?" she asks.

[attachmentid=4104]