13-08-2009, 12:09 AM | #14 | ||
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Wimbledon, England
Posts: 1,624
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Hey Fubb,
I've had a brief read of your latest short stories. I'm a budding 'writer' myself so I hope I can take a proper time out and read these in full. One thing I noticed, is that you rely heavily on description. This is a mixed blessing. It's great to present the reader with a STRONG IMAGE of their surroundings. However, you need to be careful of using too much description. This bogs down the action, and the tension of the scene. When somebody reads your work, they will not remember the words. They will remember how your story, your 'action' made them feel. (At least, that is what I remember of stories, movies, etc.) When you are writing a scene, or a story... Plot out a road map of 'emotions' or 'reactions' to your writing. Is the reader Happy, Fearful, Angry, Excited, etc? Try and vary between feelings, as this keeps the reader active and interested. If you stick to one 'feeling' for too long, they might lose interest in what is happening. Here's an example of what I mean: Quote:
Replacing 'he', with 'the stranger' or something similar. (Hopefully something less generic than THE STRANGER lol, but you get my point.) Bruised, swollen and sore. The Stranger woke up. His arm twitched. Reluctantly. The pain was constant. He sat up and tilted his head from side to side. The surroundings were alien. The room was drab. It was decorated only by moss and mould. Tucked away in a distant corner was a stool, and an overturned desk. Each wall was suffocated by a thick layer of dust. (A rough and clumsy re-write, that doesn't flow that well. Hopefully it still illustrates some of my points.) In this passage, we have informed the reader of the action, added a description and set the mood. From here, we can develop the 'tension' of the scene by adding in some more details. Maybe, the man can hear mice in the corner, or voices in the distant? The reader is gradually exposed to the action alongside the description. They become more interested in the scene, and pay more attention. As a result, your descriptions will have more of impact. As you add description, try to sprinkle some other things of interest into the mix as well. You don't have to go off in a tangent, just drop a 'hint' or 'precursor' of things to come later. For example, as he wakes up, taking in his surroundings for the first time you could BRIEFLY descrbe "the quarantine papers" Then as you develop the scene, return to this description and build on it. You don't have to do everything at once. I hope I am making some sort of sense, It's pretty later here and I am quite tired.In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's better if you leave some things 'up in the air'. Don't just 'describe' what is happening, try and put the reader in that position. If you are in a strange place, you may not notice everything all at once. Even if you do, will you really register the importance of 'paper on the floor' straight away? Probably not! I like the general mood and theme of your piece, and will be sure to read it and the other story in full when I have fresher eyes. I hope you take my comments with a pinch of salt, I'm overly critical of stuff like this as I am always looking for ways to improve my own writing. It's okay to disagree with what I have said. I'm just another noob with an opinion, and at the end of the day it all comes down to personal preference. If you want to discuss things further, I'd really enjoy that. It's great to see somebody churning out some quality writing. Keep up the good work! I had to do this exercise myself for a piece of coursework a few years ago. Had to write an additional paragraph for "Of Mice and Men". I'll see if I can dig it out tomorrow. I'll probably cringe re-reading it today but maybe you can find some flaws in it and offer me some advice as well!
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Last edited by Sean; 13-08-2009 at 12:22 AM. |
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