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[dosraider]

Originally Posted by Mighty Midget

... It would have to be MS Paint though as I can't afford even a sketchbook.......

Who needs MS paint when there is ......................
http://www.gimp.org/

[psycrow]

When you tell your self its a "good day today" even if it is rainy and cloudy day, and think were is the "good" in that. Then try to think again..."ok there is clouds and it possible will rain..but does that matter when i have roof above my head or money for food or ect"

It is the littel "things" you have that others dont have you must focus on.
Not because that others dont have roof above ther head or money too buy food for but i was trying to make you understand the idea or concept

Just an advise from me.

[Mighty Midget]

Thanks, psycrow. I did get those 10 tips for positive thinking and "it's going to be a good day" is one of them. I have read them every day but I feel it's gonna be a while before I can tell myself it's true. Anyway, things are better today, not ideal but better. I know there's gonna take next to nothing to send me down again but so far it doesn't look too bad. I'm still uncertain how the day will turn out.

I think I'll have to appologize for yesterday. I was grumpy and dark-minded as hell and I feel a bit guilty for not being able to appreciate the posts you guys made yesterday. I did get gimp but I gave up coz I had no idea what to make or how to use it. I used to be a curious-minded kid, that I know, always looking around for new gadgets and stuff to play around with. The couriosity got lost but I would like to feel that same curiosity again. Perhaps, when I get a good day, I will get enough energy and willpower to teach myself gimp. I think I would have loved it years ago and I really would like to feel the same way about it again.

My mind is still trying to escape the whole situation but I know I managed to focus on the right things earlier this week, I only have forgotten what that was like. That is also a feeling I'd love to have again. Well, I need to get more housework done, perhaps the activity will do something for me.

Also, I think I'll go visiting that guy at the hospital today. It may very well do both of us good.

EDIT: About thinking about what I've got: Well, I suppose it has a lot to do with having a depression. I simply do not see those things and frankly the idea that I have anything isn't in my mind at all. All I see are things I had that I broke or those things I wish I had. It sounds like a stupid thing to say perhaps, but that's what it's like. The thought that "the perfect is not good enough and let's not embarrass ourselves by showing off crap" is very much present and I even suspect that has something to do with my "creative block". That too is something I have a hard time daring to challenge. The thought that I can't do it is ever present so it takes a great deal of effort just to get started on anything. Once I do get started, I know I get the good feeling of actually being able to do it but soon after that feeling is forgotten. It's like it won't stick.

[Playbahnosh]

The thought that "the perfect is not good enough and let's not embarrass ourselves by showing off crap" is very much present and I even suspect that has something to do with my "creative block"

Well, inspiration and art is a very confusing thing. I read something interesting not so long ago on PWOT. Yeah, a VERY unlikely place to find the meaning of life, but there it was, I promise. I read that art and human suffering is connected. Not in a physical way, but in a "frame of mind" way. I read that people with with strong emotions and unwillfully introverted personalities are the best artists. Bad things happen to them and they can't went these feelings any other way than channeling into some form of art. And it makes some aweseome pieces of art, be it music, drawing, writing...etc. If the artist is lucky, the angst goes away, if the audience is luck, it doesn't. With the angst gone, the artist no longer has anything to be emotional about, has nothing to channel into art, therefore it becomes bland and mediocre. You get what I mean?
You have some tremendous ammount of angst inside you now. The bestest way would be, just like above, to channel it into art, any form you like. You virtually cannot mess up, everything you'll do will be solid gold. I'm not kidding. I did this myself. I had angst, a lot. Personal problems, girls, family...you name it, I had problem with it sometime in the past (God knows I still have). I started to make music, write novells, do pictures in photoshop... just doodled away, nothing organised or even thought-out. But guess what, a lot of my songs, pictures, and my novel was awesome according to some friends and you people also. I presented a portion of my songs here in the art thread.

So if you are looking for a way to get better, express yourself and feel good about it too, just use art. It helped me. And don't worry about inspiration, it will come once you start doing it, I promise. Just start to doodle, play a note, write some words, and it will flow like you've always done this. :amused:

[Mighty Midget]

I honestly don't know, Playbahnosh. There's a block there and I can't get a single image, word of text or anything. However, this sort of brings me to my next point:
I just came back from a hospital visit and before going I was beginning to see just how self sentered, selfish and inconsiderate I've been and still am. While there it became a bit clearer that I am self centered and inconsiderate. The worst bit is that I have known for a long time but I didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to be that way and I don't want to be that way and I didn't want people to see me that way. I wanted to do what's right but I simply don't know what it should be since too much has been, in my mind, about me, myself and I. I hate it. It frustrates me that I can't listen properly coz I fill my head with myself, faking consideration coz I wanted to be conciderate while feeling anyone could see right through that, panicing, faking harder, getting more and more frustrated and scared, just another spiral.

I suppose consideration and empathy comes with emotions and I really am out of touch with my own there. I miss having a full set of feelings and emotions. What I feel is sorrow, darkness and emptyness only sometimes it's more like just empty. That emptyness is perhaps the worst, realizing there are some essential pieces missing, and it's perhaps what scares me the most and what really sends me running fast.

I have repeated over and over again that I need to find my feelings. I said I don't see how I can be really positive until I have found those. I suppose all this goes to show my point. I really, really need to get in touch with myself or I'll keep messing up.

[Lulu_Jane]

I'm glad you went to see your friend Mighty

[Mighty Midget]

Yeah, I knew I had to, but I detest the reason I went. I feel I did it almost exclusively for myself, so that I would feel better, so that I could have a better concience. That's not the reason one goes to see anyone at the hospital. I mean, it was good to see him walking around and not lying in his bed, but at the same time I didn't feel it was good. It was like I knew it was but I was unable to feel it, let alone express it. That's a gospel I've heard countless times: Reason over feelings and it bothers the hell out of me me to know I am this way. The guilt is like the double of the "boy am I a good samaritan" relief of guilt which in turn is false and just plain wrong. I hope he appreciated it but I can't feel anything, like I didn't care at all how he saw the visit and that "knowledge" is just awful.
I sat there talking with him but I just didn't pay much attention. Instead I was more concerned about me. That is definitively not what it should be like and I loathe it.

[Playbahnosh]

I came to realise something just now, dude.

You watch Dr. House? If not, I suggest you do so. If you are, you will know what I'm talking about. IMHO, you are not only miserable, but...you like being miserable. You revel in it, you play in it like a child in the mud, smear the unhappyness and darkness all over yourself. Not in the meaning of "like" being unhappy, you just got addicted to it. You know addiction works, right? You can't give up something. Well, nobody said people can only be addicted to positive things. I think you are addicted to negativity, and can't really give it up. You depend on others to make you feel good about yourself, to comfort you, to help you, to tell you that you are more than you are...etc. Been there, done that. And it indeed helped me to feel good for hours, days, even weeks. But often I realised too late, that I did not really wanted them to help me. I just wanted them to do what I couldn't do myself. My friends were all trying to make me feel better, but no matter what they said, I reacted negatively, I pointed out the bad side of what they were saying. Yes, they made me feel better, but I did found negative things in their reasoning and I told them. I was waiting for the ultimate positive, the ultimate answer to my pain that will change my life. They kept cheering me up, but I kept bombarding them with negativity, with disbelief, and too late I realised what I was doing, when they gave up on me saying "I don't know what else to say to you". And suddenly, my IV of positive was cut. I realised I used the negative remarks to make them say more positive to me, to make me feel good, to do what I can't do myself, but there is only so much rejection and denying a man can take before giving up you, and the IV stops. In extreme cases I even made them hate me, which made things even worse. Fully depending on friends to make you feel better is very bad. Soon they will fade away from you, and won't know why. This is why. Think about it.

I think I know enough about you to recommend something. I think you are ready for it now. If you can, get the movie called "What the *beep* do we know?", and watch it. It's a half-documentary, an educational film, about humans, biology, chemistry, quantum-physics and finding "yourself". It's about your place in the world. I know it sounds confusing and "yeah, right", but please bare with me for a sec. That movie changed my view of the world, twisted me in a good way, made me realise many things, including how people can do certain things without knowing it, how certain things influence us that are beyond our comprehention. Don't worry it's very interesting AND understandable at once, if you watch it with an open mind. Generally people have two opinions about it: the first group will tell you how awesome it is, and the other will react ignorant saying it's a bunch of semi-scientific humbug and it's utterly childish. I hope your are in the first group. In my opinion, you would benefit greatly from that movie. "What the *beep* do we know?" is the title. It won't do any harm watching it, I promise.

You will find some answers in there, particularly about the thing I said, the reveling in darness stuff. HERE IS SOMETHING YOU MIGHT LIKE TO READ. Also, that. Read some more pwot. You will laugh your behind off, and get some parts of you together also. I don't recommend reading "Embrace The Horror" article, if you are not up to some heavy mindf#&@, but it is interesting.

Hmm.... I want to help you so much, because I think you remind me of myself. I've been there, where you are now. I felt that way. But I also realised that I can't tell you what to do, because you don't believe me. Don't deny it, you just don't, I know. Only YOU can help yourself.
I know it's hard to digest, and you will probably hate me for what I'm about to say, but I will say it nonetheless: You are no special snowflake. You are not a delicate little being to be pitied. Face the hard truth, you are just another human being, and you gotta cope with your problems, because nobody else will cope with them for you. Because nobody else CAN. You don't have depression, you don't have any sort of phsycological condition, you are NOT sick. You don't need a doctor. You just need a huge slap in the face from life itself, so you go faceplanting six stories down. No matter how much we tell you about it, you won't really get it until you are there yourself. It might seem harsh but it's true. Don't think you are special, because you are in fact not. You can tell yourself what every life-improving book and doc will tell you, that you are special, and you have a special purpose and a special place in life, but that will just make things worse. It's male cow exrement. You will think about yourself as outside LIFE, above it, because you are special, better than the "others". But soon, you'll face it that you just one of the "others". You have to carve your own way out of the rock, what will make you special, you are not inherently one. Stop pitying yourself, stop over-analysing and thinking junk. It won't help. Accept yourself, accept who you are, stop veiling on your problems, and face the road before you. Don't loathe or hate yourslef. Love yourself, because you are stuck with that person in the mirror for all ethernity, and you can't go on hating that person forever, because he knows what you think, he knows what you'll do, and he can help you. Listen to him. Think about the future, but don't get lost in it. It's your life, and only you can live it. Stop reveling in your problems, and start living your life. Learn, paint, get girls, talk to people, work, watch TV, play games, and forget about this "I'm so depressed, please help me" bullshhhh. That's the best advice I can give you, and possibly the only one.

I'd like to help you but I can't do anything more at this point. All that I told you in this thread is my personal experience, validated by life itself. You don't believe any of it, and it's fine. I didn't either when a good friend of mine told me all this. But I thought about it. I tought "what the hell, let's give it a try, how much worse can it get", and I did go for it. And here am I now, tell you all this. That's all, it's your job from here on. As Morpheus said "I can only show you the door, but you must enter it yourself". And don't try. As your own sig says "Try not. Do, or do not, but don't try". Wise man, that Yoda :amused: That's all I could say. I gave you pointers, things to read/watch, and questions to ask yourself. Good luck, dude! You gonna need it!

[Lulu_Jane]

I would just like to point out that there is a lot of bad and unsupported mathmetics in that movie, but hey, what the *beep* would I know

[Mighty Midget]

First go edited out coz it seems to me my approach has been and still is all wrong.

EDIT: Ok, this is a new thought (as far as I can remember anyway) and perhaps what Playbahnosh and the others have been trying to tell me all along. Perhaps the reason why it's so hard to get it into my skull is just that I'm trying to get it into my skull. I grew up on the Gospel that "theory is all you need to understand and see. Read and get all the facts and you will succeed" and "of course" I have seen and still (I have to admit) see any solution as something to read and study to get, something to contemplate, think about, ponder and if a problem didn't go away always being told I didn't think hard enough. Never try before you have thought it through. Anyway, What happened earlier today, in the morning, I remembered I actually always wanted to learn how to fly an r/c chopper and I joined a forum asking around for tips on how to get started. I chatted with my mate at the hospital and I remembered he was an eager r/c pilot when he was young. We talked a bit about r/c flying in general and now I just have to admit that a grain of "gloom and doom" went away for a few moments and there is something new here I'm afraid to lose. At least I know for the moment I do have a genuine interest that is mine.

EDIT Goddamn! I know how I'm beginning to see this as yet another thing to ponder instead of actually doing it.

EDIT: Play: I have read your reply but I think I'll need to read it again from a diffferent approach before I can fully appreciate it.