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[ReamusLQ]

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my
girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting
to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open
the door and immediately affect magood-naturedly murderous
expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like
it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering
how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates,
I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse.
My motto: Wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted
all night. "So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose
pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely
want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into
two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better
be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking
anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You
may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below
her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my
daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to
be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you
and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your
pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to
assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course
of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun
and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,
sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill
you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier,
and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should
talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication
of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone
out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her
until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh
and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should
not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process
which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a
date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there
are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places
where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriffT-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to
her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
theme are to be avoided; movies which feature Chainsaw
are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs
and find me attempting to get her date to recite these
eight simple rules from memory. I'd be embarrassed too
-- there are only eight of them, for crying outloud!
And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these
cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he
couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost
is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing
the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate
-- ink washes off--and that my wood burning set was
probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my
daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the
driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the
front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured
he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times.
She asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.

"Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up
with the eight simple rules?

[blastradius14]

Sounds like something I think I would do. Way to go! k:

[Fox]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man came up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day," he replies. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

[ReamusLQ]

hehe...I've heard that one...it makes me smile

[Sebatianos]

This one might loose something in the translation, but here goes:

Two goldfishes meet. First one is very happy and joyful, but the other one is all swolen and in pain.
Fish 1: What's wrong with you?
Fish 2: You woldn't believe it. This guy cought me and I said to him 'If you let me go, I'll grant you a wish'.
Fish 1: And what's so bad about it?
fish 2: He didn't believe me and just tosed me back saying 'NO muck'.

Original (just the punch line):
Riba 1: Pa to i nije tako strašno.
Riba 2: Nije mi vjerovao, pa me je bacio natrag u more i rekao mi: 'Ma daj ne seri.'

:roflol:

[Toxik]

well it lost something in the translation..but the original is great LOL

[Sebatianos]

Hey, another one who understands Slavic languages - WELCOME!

[Toxik]

Well,Im actually czech.but slovenian laungage is just far too different so i get just few words.luckily very similar joke is told i here.

[blastradius14]

A guy walks up to a chick and says, Hey, don't I know you?
The chick says, Perhaps in name only, for you are too stupid to know anyone.
As usual, the guy doesn't get it.

[a1s]

perhaps it's because I'm a guy, but neither do I. :blink: