Thanks a bunch! It got that dark mood alright. Very sad, mournful, I thought, sort of funeral hymn-ish. I like that side of it. Also, it is kind of peaceful in it's sorrow. I'm not sure if the lyrics are. To me they're more like someone's boiling inside, wailing their lungs out, finally collapsing with the disappointment in the last verse, if you know what I mean.
Do you read "notes" and chords? If so, I got a bit, for the sake of melody. Think the Dubliners for this one:
In 4/4 (mid/fast tempo)
Chord C C F F C
Mel: (c---c---c) d-c-d {3}| (e---e) f---e | (c---c---c---c)
(c---c---c---c) is a 4/4 note, (c---c---c) is a 3/4 note, (e---e) is a 2/4 note, and the d-c-d {3} is a triplet
Can it be done to combine the mood in your tune with a melody like this?
About your ideas, let's hear them
EDIT: wtf? the spaces doesn't work