Go Back   Forums > Community Chatterbox > Music, Art, Movies
Memberlist Forum Rules Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Search Forums:
Click here to use Advanced Search

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-05-2011, 10:42 PM   #1
marko river
10 GOSUB Abandonia
20 GOTO 10





 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Beograd, Serbia and Montenegro
Posts: 2,831
Default Poems from the river coast

Tried writing some poetry on several occasions, I was mostly bad at it (what else would you expect). However, the bare writing usually make me feel good, as well as more pleased with myself, like trying to be creative.

anyway, I'll post some of the poems every now and then. I'm interested in other people's opinions and comments, perhaps even suggestion on what to try or pay attention on. Also, my English is far from perfect, so some of you will probably have some corrections as well, or suggestion for phrases I may not know as I don't live in English-spoken areas. So, feel free to comment, that's the point
marko river is offline                         Send a private message to marko river
Reply With Quote
Old 02-05-2011, 10:48 PM   #2
marko river
10 GOSUB Abandonia
20 GOTO 10





 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Beograd, Serbia and Montenegro
Posts: 2,831
Default

So much I have loved her,
we came to our end,
those moments we had,
I surely won't forget, surely won't forget

I met someone new,
she seems full of life,
her smile is a sun ray,
her eyes are childly white, they are childly white

Feelings of love,
they want to live,
can they really answer
all doubts inside of me, doubts inside of me

One love is gone now,
new one greets me warm
I'm filling my life,
yet I feel so alone, feel so alone

I wish to reach higher,
but I only walk around,
it so forcefully makes us
to choose the easy path, choose the quicker path

I don't feel completeness,
it holds and makes me tense,
can't fill hole inside me
by using someone else, using someone else

One love has finished,
new one is on the way,
I was alone till now
and alone I shall stay, alone I shall stay
marko river is offline                         Send a private message to marko river
Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2011, 10:19 AM   #3
Abandoned Witch
Dreaming of Halloween sn. 2012
 
Abandoned Witch's Avatar


 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: ,
Posts: 144
Default

That's great, Marko.
__________________
I believe we will change the world on Halloween.
We want another! Alice I hear ya baby!
(Please don't confuse Halloween with the Imperial Galactic Wars V, I have no idea why.)
We remember the chaos - that the RV Empire was destroyed. MAY THE POWER PROTECT YOU!
Abandoned Witch is offline                         Send a private message to Abandoned Witch
Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2011, 06:40 PM   #4
twillight
Home Sweet Abandonia
 
twillight's Avatar

 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Var, Hungary
Posts: 1,485
Default

Keep an eye for:
- number of syllables
- rhymes
- stick to the tematic. In this case we could've say 1st section is gone love, 2nd is new love, but this order soon collapses.
- in the 3rd section why you use "they"?

The rythm seems in order though.


And a creative advice: many people fail with trying to write "love-love-love" poems. It's not an imminent failure to write a love poem (even if "love" as word is always used in them), but at least try other themes.
__________________
Nothing has a meaning. You can't even say it has no meaning as that'd mean it has. - Godkiller, Defender of Anarchy
twillight is offline                         Send a private message to twillight
Reply With Quote
Old 03-05-2011, 10:03 PM   #5
marko river
10 GOSUB Abandonia
20 GOTO 10





 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Beograd, Serbia and Montenegro
Posts: 2,831
Default

@Witch:
Yeeey, my first praise Thanks a lot.

@twillight:
And first comments. Quite a few of them, thanks for your time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by twillight View Post
- number of syllables
Hmmm, I indeed never care about that, as long as numbers are so-so similar... Somehow I see taking care about that as making a strict form, which I'm still not into. More precisely, I feel I'm still not that good, to say what I want and make it fit a strict form. But to be honest, I haven't even tried.

Quote:
Originally Posted by twillight View Post
- rhymes
Oh yes, I am aware of that. Similar, I also do keep same vocals, but not necessary rhymes. I hope I will improve that, but I also need to improve my English. I often get stuck.

Quote:
Originally Posted by twillight View Post
- stick to the tematic. In this case we could've say 1st section is gone love, 2nd is new love, but this order soon collapses.
Actually, theme would be my view or understanding of love, at least from this aspect, not exactly love with specific person. I don't really think I should explain much the theme of the song, since you should figure it out your way and give me your opinion, like you did now. I wasn't expecting this reaction, since song makes sense to me (surprise surprise ). Now this proves that feedback is very important

Quote:
Originally Posted by twillight View Post
- in the 3rd section why you use "they"?
It refers to "Feelings" from the previous line. Perhaps my English again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by twillight View Post
The rythm seems in order though.
Well, thanks a lot. I had a rhythm in my head while writing, so it's nice to hear that that part is ok

Quote:
Originally Posted by twillight View Post
And a creative advice: many people fail with trying to write "love-love-love" poems. It's not an imminent failure to write a love poem (even if "love" as word is always used in them), but at least try other themes.
Well, like I said, the song isn't really about love, at least for me. I am re-questioning my need for love and what love really brings while you have some inner struggles. My personal point in this song would be that love is not the meaning of life, although it is important. Between two relationships, I feel very eager to start a new one, although previous love wasn't a solution to my inner problems and questions. So, I don't like the fact that "need for love" may be running away from those questions and even thou I will fall in love again, there are things I can solve only by myself alone.

Naturally, you can't know my own point, which is normal and IMO the way it should be. Like I said, feedback can be very useful to understand how will other see the song and there is surely room for improvements.
marko river is offline                         Send a private message to marko river
Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2011, 12:38 AM   #6
marko river
10 GOSUB Abandonia
20 GOTO 10





 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Beograd, Serbia and Montenegro
Posts: 2,831
Default

Not exactly finished, but that's ok since most of my work never is really

Anyway, I'm not sure that my English is ok and I will surely change some parts, but some feedback can only help
------------------------------------

Killed him yesterday again,
his body is gone again.
It is the same old way again,
it's never really done again.

He's all around outside
pointing out his name.
Words for making right divisions
and seeing one true fame.

He's so deep inside me
to explain and justify my deeds,
protects me from unknown
and gives strength for my beliefs.

I've killed him so many times
but he keeps rising and rising again.
I want to sort out my mind
but he keeps rising and rising
and rising again.

Don't care that other fear him,
don't care that to him they pray,
don't care how much they love him,
he's in there, just can't let him stay.

Sometimes sweet and good but
I have to do it again
and keep it on that way or I'll
remain in the same pain
marko river is offline                         Send a private message to marko river
Reply With Quote
Old 08-09-2011, 12:00 PM   #7
Pex
Game Wizzard
 
Pex's Avatar


 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 249
Default

Nice work

And I would assume your poetry in Serbian would be even better, providing you wrote some

English is tough for us 'read as you write' people, having words that end in same syllables but are pronounced completely different.
__________________
Pex is offline                         Send a private message to Pex
Reply With Quote
Old 19-09-2011, 03:19 PM   #8
marko river
10 GOSUB Abandonia
20 GOTO 10





 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Beograd, Serbia and Montenegro
Posts: 2,831
Default

Thx

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pex View Post
English is tough for us 'read as you write' people, having words that end in same syllables but are pronounced completely different.
No need to confirm this specifically, as all of us read-as-you-write people had to face this

------------------------------------------------


Weed has swallowed the park
it is now a different place
water is cold and dark
our swans went somewhere else

Air became so thick
Makes me bow my head
its weight hurts my neck
I can't stand straight

Our love is a hundred miles long,
we don't know how to be that strong.

Is it time to cut the chains?
Don't you think we are sharp?
Do you think we are blunt?
They're becoming harder,
it can't be that hard,
to cut through ourselves.


Where this way leads, darlin'?
Knees have weakened, pain has grown.
If we push our legs, will somethin'
change all on its own?

We were building our future
by holding on to our spot.
Can we not admit freely
we don't like the cages we got?

Our love is a thousand miles long,
we don't understand it at all.

Is it time to break the chains?
Don't you think we are strong?
Do you think we are wrong?
They're becoming harder,
it can't be that hard,
to break through ourselves.


Long time since we used our hands for shaking.
Long time since we had smile in our eyes.
How long until we look back and ask
what for have we lived our lives?

Our love is a light year long,
we can't drag it anymore.
marko river is offline                         Send a private message to marko river
Reply With Quote
Old 09-12-2011, 10:21 PM   #9
marko river
10 GOSUB Abandonia
20 GOTO 10





 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Beograd, Serbia and Montenegro
Posts: 2,831
Default

Your throat is endless spring of water.
Words like cold mountain stream,
paralyzing and warmth killing,
turning safe ground into a vague dream.

Sometimes it is a river so wide,
still surface, depths of despair.
Covering everything, every shelter.
I'm right in the middle, fighting for air.

I can't possibly drink all that
nor keep swimming without a rest.
I can walk on bottom, that's my best,
carrying your ocean on my chest.
To stay on surface, I need a lifebelt.

Your throat is ever-erupting volcano.
Deepest red lava it spreads around,
burning the path we followed.
Leaves only the ashes on the ground.
Every time the entire island is swallowed.

Looking all that fire, I just want to dive.
Room is collapsing and there's no door.
I can't be that strong and lasting and all
to lift and carry the entire south pole
to put down the fire, just to survive
a few seconds more.

I need my point of view.
Why won't you let me speak too?
I don't need a ocean of words like you.
I can settle down with just two.
Shut up...

Last edited by marko river; 09-12-2011 at 10:35 PM.
marko river is offline                         Send a private message to marko river
Reply With Quote
Old 22-01-2012, 12:39 AM   #10
marko river
10 GOSUB Abandonia
20 GOTO 10





 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Beograd, Serbia and Montenegro
Posts: 2,831
Default

I have this little puzzle
that I haven't solved yet
I've thought a lot about it
but it's still unanswered

It holds me for days now
this little thing I don't know
I'm working on a discovery
but I'm progressing too slow

I tried different angles
but nothing seemed to fit
so I thought to ask you
to help me out a bit

Please, could you ask me
to make love to you right away
'cause so much I want to hear
what will I say.
marko river is offline                         Send a private message to marko river
Reply With Quote
Reply


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
marko river marko river Offers 93 11-08-2012 09:00 PM
Poems Iowa Music, Art, Movies 37 19-12-2006 12:12 AM
Yobor's Poems Yobor Music, Art, Movies 29 26-07-2006 06:52 PM
Pirates Of The Barbary Coast guesst Games Discussion 4 09-07-2006 09:20 AM
Poems blastradius14 Music, Art, Movies 19 26-01-2006 10:44 AM

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump
 


The current time is 01:54 PM (GMT)

 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.