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[Havell]

Originally posted by Blood-Pigggy@Sep 8 2005, 09:18 PM
But it's offensive.
I don't care if they're jokes, can't we just get to ordinary jokes?

I don't mean that jokes here have to be offensive but (possibly) offensive jokes are by no means banned.
And Pigggy, if you want an "ordinary" joke, then tell one!

[Blood-Pigggy]

The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

[Blood-Pigggy]

Dumb Alabama Laws
# It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

# Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.


# You may not drive barefooted.

# It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

# It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

# Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

# Masks may not be worn in public.

# Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

# Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

# Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

# It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

# Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

# Incestous marriages are legal.

# It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

# You must have windshield wipers on your car.

# You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Anniston
# You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Jasper
# It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

Lee County
# It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile
# It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.

# It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

Montgomery
# It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

I HAD to put this up.

Arizona Crazy Law
# You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

# Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.

Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com!
# There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

# When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.

# Hunting camels is prohibited.

# Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

# It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

Glendale
# Cars may not be driven in reverse.

Globe
# Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

Hayden
# If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

Maricopa County
# No more than six girls may live in any house.

Mesa
# It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

Mohave County
# A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

Nogales
# An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

Prescott
# No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

Tucson
# Women may not wear pants.

Tombstone
# It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Arkansas Crazy Law
# A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

# A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.

# Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

# The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

# Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"

# A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.

Fayetteville
# Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.

# It is illegal to kill "any living creature".

# It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

# No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54

# Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

California Crazy Law
# Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.

# Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

# Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.

# Bathhouses are against the law.

# In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.

# No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.

# Women may not drive in a house coat.

# It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Arcadia
# Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra
# You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park
# Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere
# City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe
# You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame
# It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel
# Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)

# Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico
# Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.

Downey
# It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood
# It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette
# You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi
# It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc
# It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach
# It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.

# Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles
# Toads may not be licked.

# You may not hunt moths under a street light.

# It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.

# You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

# Zoot suits are prohibited.

# It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.

# It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Ontario
# Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove
# Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs
# It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena
# It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale
# Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands
# Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside
# One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego
# The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.

# It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco
# Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.

# Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

# It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

# It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

San Jose
# It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica
# You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula
# Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

[allyfaucet]

:eeeeeh: you've got to think that something HAD to happen to pass these laws. I can only imagine what...

Hey! There's one for San Jose! That's where I live!
And I have 1 cat and 1 dog, so I'm ok!

[Sebatianos]

Nah, back to jokes.

A president (beore you Americans jump the gun - I said a president, it could be of any country) comes down the street and sees a little boy pileing up some shi-t <--spelled this way because of the word filter...
President asks outraged: "What are you doing boy?"
Boy: "A lawyer!"
President: "Come, come, that's not nice!"
Boy: "I would have made you, but I haven't enough shi-t!"

[A. J. Raffles]

Hmm, I think I remember a very similar one from a film called 1919. The only real joke in that film was Colin Firth, though.

[Fruit Pie Jones]

Originally posted by Sebatianos@Sep 9 2005, 04:27 AM
President asks outraged: "What are you doing boy?"
Boy: "A lawyer!"

Wouldn't "What are you making..." make more sense? As it is, it's comical, but perhaps not for the reason that you intended!

[TheChosen]

Heres a wierd joke......

A man went to the store. RUUVIMEISSELI

[Toxik]

those are jokes that arent jokes at all but for some reason,they are funny..
heres another one
a cow is sitting on a branch knitting a coffee.another cow flies by,and askesWhats the time?the first cow pulls a thermometer from her pocket,looks at it and says:thursday
the second cow says: nevermind,i dont have anything to cook with

[allyfaucet]

:blink: :eeeeeh:
ok...