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Old 31-05-2007, 06:38 AM   #1
chainsoar
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Ok, I like comedy. A lot. So I want people to post comedy quotes, preferably things said by standup comedians. Example -

"Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money." - George Carlin
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Old 31-05-2007, 07:34 AM   #2
Mighty Midget
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Ok here are some quotes from a slightly non pc guy, a late, great comedian, Bill Hicks:

"How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt...'"

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fu*kin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

"What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, 'It's gonna be worth it!'"

"You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war, those intelligence reports would come out: 'Iraq: incredible weapons – incredible weapons.' 'How do you know that?' 'Uh, well … we looked at the receipts.'"

"To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says: 'Warning: Smoking can cause fetal damage or premature birth.' Fu'k it – I've found my brand! 'Yeah, give me a carton of Low Birth Weights.' Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around, find a disease you can live with. 'What are you smoking, Dave?' 'Throat Polyps. Want one?' 'No thanks, I'll stick with my Yellow Fingernails.'"
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Old 31-05-2007, 11:31 AM   #3
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"How come when it's with us, it's an 'abortion', and when it's with chickens it's an 'omelet'? " Carlin

"A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a bunny suit at the time." Carlin


Gotta download more of his shows....
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Old 31-05-2007, 12:14 PM   #4
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"That's a whole different sport! That's snake throwing!" Craig Ferguson about Jake "The Snake" Roberts' snake, he would throw on his opponent before wrestling.

"Milano or Madrid, don't care. I wanna play in Italy!" Andreas Möller (german soccer player) about his intentions to switch the club.
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Old 31-05-2007, 12:17 PM   #5
Mighty Midget
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<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Icewolf @ May 31 2007, 02:14 PM) [snapback]292323[/snapback]</div>
Quote:
"Milano or Madrid, don't care. I wanna play in Italy!" Andreas Möller (german soccer player) about his intentions to switch the club.
[/b]


I had this book with quotes like that: "When xxxxxx scores, it usually means goal", "the team met their opponent in a 10-3-2-4 formation" and so on.
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Old 31-05-2007, 12:23 PM   #6
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<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Mighty Midget @ May 31 2007, 02:17 PM) [snapback]292324[/snapback]</div>
Quote:
I had this book with quotes like that: [...][/b]
Do you have this one as well?
"He cross, I head, goal!" Andreas Brehme, about how the goal (which was a great one) has been scored.
Or:
"The ball is round. If it was angled, it would be a cube!" Don't remember, some soccer coach.
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Old 31-05-2007, 01:40 PM   #7
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my bro i used to collect those on our site and we were adding some new ones from our comentators, players and coaches. some were serious, others funny. unfortunatelly site never migrated, so when my student status expired it went offline... well that's not really fair....
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Lifts-Her-Tail: I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!
Crantius Colto: Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.
Lifts-Her-Tail: But it is huge! It could take me all night!
Crantius Colto: Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.
From The Lusty Argonian Maid by Crassius Curio found in TES3: Morrowind
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Old 31-05-2007, 09:58 PM   #8
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I remember some of those quotes though, like:

This night simply wasn't our day.
If we have a good day we might have a good day, but otherwise we may have a bad day because we can have those too.

But onw of my favorite quotes was from a completely different source...

"Half of Americans don't read newspapers. Half of Americans don't vote. I can only hope that we're talking about the same half." - can't remember the guy who said it (sorry).
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Old 02-06-2007, 03:44 PM   #9
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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night.".
- Charlie Brown

"They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well,
I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet."
--Mae West

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.
Mark Twain.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
- Dennis Miller

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
- Laurence J Peter

:w00t: :LOL:
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Old 06-06-2007, 07:44 PM   #10
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First, one that is a product description as given by a British manufacturer:
"Airial delivered area denial system"
They are talking about... a bomb

Here are some quotes from a book by Stewart Clark on broken English:

"Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration"

"I watch a lot of baseball on the radio" (former US president Gerald Ford)

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way" (Ron Atkinson)

"What does it feel like to be rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" (interview with Michael Shcumacher, a (then) Formula 1 driver)

"Poisonous and evil rubbish" (Japanese trashcan)

"Violence Jack Ooff" (Japanese youth's clothes store)

"Lift out of order. Please use the elevator" (English hotel)

"Dreaded veal cutlet", "Humburger", ""Utmost chicken as Ungarian", ""Wino" "Tea in bag - just like mother" (Various menues around the world)

"No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure park" (Park in London)

"Go soothingly on the greasy mud for herein lies the skid demon" (Traffic sign in China)

"PUSH PUSH PUSH" (Sign on a door at an English maternity ward)

"Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study" (US church's notice board)
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