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Old 14-08-2006, 02:48 AM   #1
Iowa
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Here goes another shot at the masses...I share my poetry every opportunity I get because I tend to get mostly positive reviews. Maybe my poems can find a home at Abandonia?

Below are my works, please leave an individual one for each you read...it doesn't have to be long, but please give me the satisfaction of feedback...

*DISCLAIMER* These poems are all negative ones, don't expect to find any happiness here, and brace yourself for some violence. Furthermore, they may contain anti-religious views and ideas.*DISCLAMER
Why the "anti religious views and ideas"? Because it's who I am, and don't be mistaken, I don't believe in everything I write.

Lastly, the poems are written from the perspective of animals because I believe that deep down within ourselves we are indeed just a kind of animal. And because the poems are deeling with the animal inside the character, this view seems reasonable to me.

War

“Blood to give,
Let none live!
You will lose your life!”
These are general’s words
To cope with a soldier’s strife,
Cast into the wasteland
Paved by another’s greed
Here we have our weaponry
And screamed orders to heed.
I am one, and meaning none
In army vast and wide
If I fall, in midst of all
None are at my side.


The blood it splatters widely,
In course of painful screams
To common beast, to say the least
A war is still unseen.
And now I fight throughout the night,
With sword,
With tooth,
With claw,
Another’s blood drops off my face,
Onto a mangled paw.
Terror strikes within my mind
As fallen beasts lay on the ground
Never to be with again,
Never again to make a sound
And the shocking hits me,
Tightening like a lynch,
The fact that I kill brethren
Without even a flinch.
What I’ve been led into
I do not really know
As evil raises in my mind,
And anger starts to show.


I grasp my sword and cut and hack
Knowing nothing can turn me back,
As redness clouds my vision,
And excitement fills my mind,
I cross over the carcasses
That I have left behind.
My face is coated with the blood of many evil souls,
Dripping down into my mouth,
Burning my eyes like coals
The taste of it soaks into tongue,
Alas, control is gone
For now mental preparation
Shall not stay with me for long.


The primal rage of killer old,
Built within my natural mold
Shall stay with me,
Eternally,
Never to relinquish hold.
As thought dawns upon
My aching restless mind,
The war will never seem to stop
Never to be left behind.
Set upon by fiendish wounds
And now I quickly fall,
My blood-choked vomit stains the snow
As dying ends it all…


I am pressed for time now, and am only able to post this one. Keep in mind that it is not necessarily me as the main character in my poems!

Hope you liked it, if you did, review and i'll post more! k:
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Old 14-08-2006, 08:11 AM   #2
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Not bad, not bad, although I have to say I couldn't read it fluenty at some points. Maybe you have to tell the poem yourself and deliver the correct atonation.
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Old 14-08-2006, 05:08 PM   #3
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i tend to think that we actually ARE animals but they have some set of rules too and their world is more sacred than our world... well your poem shows an idiotic character that just
Quote:
I grasp my sword and cut and hack[/b]
and sees no end ahead, but then ..he dies?
and another thing... you're saying he's a soldier in the first part(in an american way in my perception) but then he becomes a warrior with a sword.

and the animal inside the character should not describe the blood, but the meat..cause that's what he's after
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Old 14-08-2006, 06:08 PM   #4
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I mostly get your critiscisms [spelling?], but keep in mind that you can post your own poems on here too, i'd like to read some of yours.

...So should I shut up and go away or post another one?
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Old 14-08-2006, 07:20 PM   #5
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mine were only in romanian and too modern for translation...

and you shouldn't "shut up"...you SHOULD post some more... and if you don't like my criticism just tell me..i'll shut up
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Old 14-08-2006, 09:38 PM   #6
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Okay, shut up Himmler
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Old 14-08-2006, 11:14 PM   #7
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i wasn't talking to you grinder
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Old 14-08-2006, 11:28 PM   #8
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here's one.

five people went across the dunes
of desert called Zaru.
One day they found a gem with runes
on it and priceless too.

One of them said "this gem is mine
I saw it first, see."
four dissagreed. the bottom line-
he lost his friends and knee.

Four people camped then for the night,
three of them were awake
they ploted up to morning light-
decided gem to take.

the other never knew their biz
he was still sleeping tight
when taking all their stuff (and his)
they went into the night

then two of them (girl and a boy-
the story is quite old)
just couldn't all of this enjoy
or so the story's told

she said that they could get house
and horse for all she knew,
she said "you get me all those things
or I am leaving you"

the man was never all that bad
he simply was in love
and he persuaded the third lad
well anyway, sort of.

this idily went on for days
until he broke his leg
the woman left him in the blaze
to fry just like an egg

but 1:1 was the final score
there was no point alas
for gem that seemed so fine before
was just a piece of glass
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Old 15-08-2006, 01:35 AM   #9
Iowa
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Wow, did you write that? That's great!

The beginning was a bit out of rhythym, but the rest fell into good rhyme...and a story to boot! A fine job, and i'm only impressed further because I can only write negative poetry...which brings me to:

Suicide

Broken soul
Shattered mind
Thoughts too many,
All behind
Darkness rise
Happy fall
No hope will be left at all
Blood on ground
Blood in air
Far too many unaware


Ferret dark,
Badger bold,
Fox with too much hate to hold.
Hatred found,
Love’s been lost
Faith for star
Instead of cross.
Sword is glistening
In the rain
Mouse who ne’er will speak again
Many voices
All ‘round me
Cursing me
To drown in sea


Pounding blows
Struck in mind
Left too much suff’ring behind
Has come back
To drag me down
As I kill without a frown
Guilty pleasure
All for me
As I spill guts
For all to see.


Many outcasts
Camped out here
Trust and faith are never near
Food is stolen,
Teeth are gnashed,
Shivering slaves are starved and lashed.


Disregard for all round me
As I break the chain of good
I disregard the Lord’s angels
And carve pentagrams into wood
Loathing long, near and far
For gold, for beast, for the North Star
I cast myself off of the cliff,
Never doubting or holding back,
I clutch in hand my blood-soaked sword
As my world falls into black.


There ya go...
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Old 15-08-2006, 08:01 AM   #10
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Kind of a dark atmosphere (o rly ), but I like it!
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