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[Playbahnosh]

I think this is my last post to this forum. I'm goint to hang myself if I have the courage...

I guess some of you know I h...had(I explain) a girlfriend for 2 years. We vere together because...I don't know. After years of pain and sorrow in the love department I finally needed a girlfriend, and I found her. Naive, unknowing girl who was kept away from the world by her parent. Almost easy prey for my sorrow-hardened soul and mind. Finally, after 4 "no"s and a hard struggle against her I got through her thin shield. Through 2 years we were out to change each other to our liking, but none of us would change. We just struggled through 2 years because I havent got the courage to leave her and she just got used to me, but did not accept me as I were. We had no common interests, no common tastes, I smoke she hates it...and so on. From this September she gone to university to Budapest and I gone to Veszprém(2 hours trip with train). We got separated, we only met in weekend IF we met, and sometimes on the way home. Now, 3 months ago, she cheated on me, decieved me and lied into my face. We talked it over, she was sorry. I knew she didn't meant to do it, but she is still to naive and has not enough life experience, so I kinda felt sorry for her. We got used to each other in two years. I still didn't had the courage to leave her, but something was broken inside me aleady.

It started 2 months ago. I got to know a girl, Gabi. She is in the same dorm, only 2 rooms away. We get to know each other, we started to spend more and more time together, watching movies till dawn, listening to music together, talking...simply not doing anything but that was awesome. I was happier than ever in my entire life. She was nice to me, she was caring about me, she could be count on, she was everything I ever dreamed of. She just came over to my room to see me, she brought me my favorite chocklate(80% cocoa, mmm) without me making a move towards her. I was practicly shocked. And last thursday we finally broke the shield and fell into each others arms in the most unpredictable moment. First time in my life a girl fell in love with me, and so did I the same time. It was more than beautiful, she told me she has a boyfriend, but I didn't care, why should I, I was finally happy.

But the happiness lasted only for so long. After we made our move this monday was the beginning of hell. Her boyfriend started to become an obvious problem. He didn't knew about what is going on beetween me and Gabi. But this question was my death. After two days of struggle today she finally made her decision and with tears in her eyes she said she chooses her boyfriend rather than me. I felt she still loves me, but still she couldn't let go of her boyfriend. But the damage was done, in this very night I broke up with Anikó. I finally had the drive, the sorrow and the pain drowe me to do it. Right after that my very best friend called me on phone telling he broke up with her year long girlfriend painfully. After ca. two hours I saw my roommate and his girlfriend argue, and the girl left crying, my roomate in pieces. Right after all this I went out to the corridor and saw my dorm teacher argue with his boyfriend, and with "you finally did it!" shout the guy left, dear Niki crying.

I'm sadly not making this up. Life falls apart around me and I have lost all hope. Love is a lost cause what I have have been pursuing ever since. I was always nice and fair to people. What did I done to deserve this? and all this in my 20th birthday

I just had nobody to turn to. If I can't tell anybody, then I tell it to everybody... Please forgive me... but I just can't take it anymore...

This song describes this whole thing as I see, I was listening to it 2 days now but I finally understand the meaning...

Nightwish - Beauty Of The Beast

Trees have dropped their leaves,
Clouds their waters
All this burden is killing me

Distance is covering your way,
Tears your memory
All this beauty is killing me

Oh, do you care,
I still feel for you
Oh, so aware,
What should be lost is there

I fear I will never, never find anyone
I know my greatest pain is, is yet to come
Will we find each other in the dark
My long lost love

Oh, do you care,
I still feel for you
Oh, so aware,
What should be lost is there

Oh, do you care,
I still feel for you
Oh, so aware,
What should be lost is there

Safely away from the world
In a dream, timeless domain
A child, dreamy eyed,
Mother's mirror, father's pride

I wish I could come back to you
Once again feel the rain
Falling inside me
Cleaning all that I've become

My home is far but the rest it lies so close
With my long lost love under the black rose
You told I had the eyes of a wolf
Search them and find the beauty of the beast

All of my songs can only be composed of the greatest of pains
Every single verse can only be born of the greatest of wishes
I wish I had one more night to live

A saint blessed me, drank me deeply
Spitting out the misery in me
Still a sinner rapes a thousand saints
Sharing the same hell with me

Sanest choice in this insane world:
Beware the beast but enjoy the feast he offers

Sanest choice in this insane world:
Beware the beast but enjoy the feast he offers

All of my songs can only be composed of the greatest of pains
Every single verse can only be born of the greatest of wishes
I wish I had one more night to live

Christabel

"Oh, sweet Christabel. Share with me your poem.
For I know now, I'm a puppet on this silent stage show.
I'm but a poet who failed his best play.
A Dead Boy, who failed to write an ending
To each of his poems."