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[Mighty Midget]

Ok, now I don't know what to say but I'll try. What you say about your son is something I recognize too well in myself. The negative view, making excuses for not to try, him not believing changes will come and (probably) his feeling of being drained by the mere thought of trying when he's "bound to fail". His fear of failures and lack of confidence with all the consequences that has.That is a description of my own negativity too close for comfort. I know perfectly well it is true, that I have been and still am too much that way, but at the same time that's one of the thoughts I have been running away from and pretending my way out of for so many years now. As for me, like I said, it has been and still is close to a phobia to have anyone or myself have a look at how I really feel and what I really think, a near-phobia I have never really recognized as one until today. At the same time, I can't get away from the thought that that fear has to be challenged and wiped out before I can really start on the Big Changes I need. Also, as for my depression and negativity, this is the only thing I sort of know and recognize, and whenever I try to find something different it's like a vacuum there that has to be filled and the only thing to fill it is the same darkness I try to get rid of. That, I guess, is at the core of this topic, how to find something that isn't dark and how to feel certain it's right this time. I have this feeling the disappontment of finding nothing to replace the negativity while wasting energy trying is part of what has chased me off from trying, and I sense your son may have the same feeling of getting drained for what seems as nothing.

About accomplishing things: I can't say I ever accomplished much. I have had ideas but without the confidence I could pull it off I abandoned all the ideas and I then saw that as proof that my lack of confidence was well justified. For the last weeks I have started walking. At first it was short walks just to get out of the house, to break the routine of doing nothing. Then I started walking longer distances. I started setting goals like doing this walk I never before thought I could and I completed them. I'm still setting greater goals there. What concerns me is these walks haven't given me any greates sensation of accomplishments other than for a very short time and I soon forget how it was like. I'm concerned because with this depression I can't feel sure whether it doesn't feel great because I have a long way to go before I can feel anything or because it's just in vain. At the moment I can only be stubborn and keep walking, choosing to believe I have a long way to walk and that I will start feel something sooner or later. It still nags me though, that I'm only fooling myself.

About using people, well, that's an issue. So far I have been misusing rather than using, not seeing what I was doing and I have to say I feel bad about the whole idea. It's not what it should be like but it's how it turned out. Perhaps I feel I need to make some major changes before I can feel it's fair letting others help. Beside, for all these years I always looked out for answers, never at myself and I need to feel a bit more certain I'm asking for the help I need, not necessarily the help I think I want. Another thing is my negative view may stop me from appreciating their help as something that will do me good. That's one hellish vicious circle.

Except for my walks, I'm all out of ideas of what situations I can create. You are right, but it's something that seems unknown to me. When people ask me what I'd like to do for fun, I honestly have no idea and often just choose something random without actually believing it will be fun at all. Of course, going into something believing it will suck tend to make the prediction come true, so it's not as much a prediction as it is an effort from me to make the situation suck. It's fairly obvious to me right now just how massive my negativity is. I really need to stop it. I suppose this is the exact negativity that frustrates others. Believe me when I say I really want to snap out of it.

EDIT: Just occured to me. One of the most vicious aspects of a depression is that you stop caring about most things or anything at all. To me, telling myself "it's no use so I won't do it" or "it's too difficult, I can't do it" has also been a way of escaping that feeling of not caring and the feeling of guilt that comes when you sort of know you should try but choose not to. Like, I choose not to because I don't care so I can only blame myself but I'd rather not blame myself so I'll tell myself and others it's no use. Way to go if you want to nurse your depression but at the same time another vicious circle that needs to be broken somehow.

2nd EDIT: As far as what a depression is in terms of chemicals, it's a matter of beliefs. Modern science will say it's a physiological illness while a witchdoctor may suggest you need a good exorcist. I have no doubts chemicals play an important role in our brains, but I'm not sure about what's cause and what's effect. To me, pills are about dealing with the effects, not the causes and to me there really is only one option: To get rid of the cause for my depression. Like a painkiller can make life bearable if your arm's broken, anti-depressants can make life easier but just like the painkiller will not help the bone knit back in working order, no anti-depressant can remove the cause of the problem. There are so many alternative explainations on what to do with the cause, from the "nothing can be done" I have been met with in modern medicine, via energy fields of some sort in alternative medicine to demons and devils. Ok, so I don't believe in demons but if modern medicine gives me thumbs down I see no other option than to seek among alternative approaches. Another thing is that I feel by letting pills take away the symptoms I won't be able to search for the causes just like a person who can't feel pain will never realize his spleen is busted. It's certainly not a fun ride but to me it's the only ride that will allow me to getting in touch with all the things in me I have lost touch with.

[Blood-Pigggy]

I have these same sorts of feelings, but at a young age they're diagnosed as some disorder as something. I'm practically racking those up.
I have the constant need to be places that I haven't been before, my jogs regularly take me so far that it takes me around two hours running at a good speed to get back home.
That's a good thing, start JOGGING instead of walking, if you feel no sense of accomplishment from your walks, then push yourself, exercise to your limit. At first it can be difficult, but at some point you'll ignore the ache, and when you get home after going farther than you did before, you'll feel like you did something. There's a part of our mind that associates our ability to physically outlast our pain so that we can become stronger mentally as well, because we realize that we have the ability to better ourselves, even if we don't feel like we're making progress.

It sounds like generic highschool coach bullshit I know, but it's nothing like that. It's all about the feeling that you've beaten an older you, even if that older you is just a few days before.
Then read, read, read. Fill your head with things you don't need, think about things you've never thought about. Remember thinking about the possibility of oblivion in death and the strange feeling you had afterward in your head? Try to think about things that you'd never imagine before because it'll give you new perspective. Think when you're in a field on a jog, in a nearby park, or wherever else.
I understand that you'd think that it would only make things worse thinking about your problems, but if you let them fill you up for a bit you'll get over it. Just outlast a couple of hours of misery, instead of letting it drip in bit by bit everyday, it works hand in hand with the philosophy of making yourself stronger, just work through it and the feeling will dissipate.
But NEVER delude yourself, don't ignore problems. Try to find something that you can accomplish even further. Try learning to play different instruments, sports or whatever. Watch new genres of movies, listen to new music, on your jogs you can listen to a bit of opera for a boost. And while you're doing that think about how to fix things. As human beings we tend to think that there are only a couple of alternative solutions for a single problem, but arbitrary math problems aren't constant with things in life.

IN SUMMARY DO EVERYTHING YOU THINK YOU POSSIBLY CAN. There is no dullness in your life, there's only a sickened will that won't push you to do new things. In the last year I've forced myself to start wrestling for school, do intense physical work-outs, write fiction, get into surrealism films, abstain from useless relationships and pointless flings, and find a way to better my grades in school while at the same time ignoring the useless wastes of time that the public school system attempts to suck me up with (fucking honor society can kiss my ass).
There's only one bad point to this, you'll start thinking you're better than everyone else because you've done so MUCH yourself.
If you think there's an empty spot in your life, it's because you haven't done enough to enjoy yourself.

I can't really relate to an extreme level since I'm still a teenager and there's much I can do to influence my path in life, but I do have tendencies to follow whatever impulses I have, it's another one of those *rolls eyes* disorders some doctor thought would explain everything that makes me different.
But despite all that, despite all that generic asshole bullshit that people spew about life not being all fun and games, life CAN still be fun and games if you just let yourself be more impulsive and enjoy these things.

Society can suck a ****, they tell you to be reserved, mature, and to control your impulses, but all that does is making a bunch of crowing jackanappers who're always stuck up their ass all day. Be impulsive.

[Lulu_Jane]

I have no advice Mighty, but I'm thinking of you.


*hug*

[Quintopotere]

Too long posts to read for such a lazy one like me... so I'll just add a little comment

Originally Posted by Eagle of Fire

Go see a psychiatrist. Seriously. That's what they are paid for.

Psychiatrists are quite useless, I think.
A good person can help much more than a bad one with a degree...
So, find positive people, whatever they do to gain money!

[Mighty Midget]

Thanks, Lulu.

Ok, seems to me there is still lots I need to get right before I can get to any big changes. Seems BP and Playbahnosh have touched on a key I need to get right. I need to learn to ask myself the right questions for the right reasons and I need to find the reasons and answers in myself. I'm beginning to doubt if the questions I have been asking myself. I am getting doubts about my motifs when asking others and myself. It's hard to get a grasp on it but somehow I have a feeling my motif has been and still is to a huge degree to get thoughts to thiink instead of getting a grip on my own thoughts, sort of substituting my thoughts for others'.

I'm asking myself what do I think, how do I feel but instead of getting something it's like staring at a wall. Something goes on behind it but I don't know what. That's uncomfortable. I really don't know myself. I don't even know what my interests are, I have no idea what makes me happy and not much of an idea of what makes me feel whatever. That has perhaps been what's stopping me from finding what I like. How can I like something when I have no idea how I feel about it? There has been lots and lots of pretending I liked stuff, but it always seemed hollow without me knowing why. I'm thinking I need to tear down this wall but quite frankly I'm scared. I ran away from me for a reason and the idea of going back to me is unsettling like hell and it seems clearer how my mind deals with it by trying to run away from the whole thing. There's a lot of turning to do.

[Tulac]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo

And there's always that.

[Japo]

Maybe what happens is that you're not happy with what life had in store for you. But one of the things I'm certain of is that you mustn't accept the first thing that comes your way. Whatever you would like to be doing in your life, go after it no matter how easy and sensible the alternatives look in comparison.

And you could always read about one of these or both, you may like it and it may help you too:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epicureanism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism

[Mighty Midget]

Ok, this is gonna sound really whiny but to hell with that. This is what I feel happened and what lead to much of this.

My entire life has been a search for acceptance. I wasn't accepted for who I was where I grew up and I never felt acceptance for who I was at home. I started to copy what others did and said. It did at least give me some feeling of acceptance. Basically it got out of hand in a short amount of time and I ended up pretty damn early living other peoples' lives as my own. Of course it never worked and of course I never understood. I wasn't them but to me it was more important to convince myself to keep leaving myself behind as long as I got some appreciation from my family and people around me.

Now, I'm not writing this for any sympathy or whatever but I write it because that's what happened and I'm just beginning to realize what damage that has done. Basically, I have been lying to myself and others out of fear my "real self" is something to loathe so consistently and for so long I no longer have any idea who I am. I have serious issues letting people know me and a lot has to do with the fact that somewhere inside my head I know what I let others see is just fake.

I think it becomes obvious I won't feel good about anything unless I can appreciate myself but that requires me first to get to know who the hell I am and have enough courage to dare being myself to myself and others.

I don't know, there are a lot of lies I need to sort and label as lies and I'm still scared of letting my mask fall so to speak, but that's about the only thing I never tried before and nothing has helped so far. I "only" need the courage to get started for real.

[Japo]

Others may have useful advice (says me), but don't let them dictate your life. When it's about deciding about yourself, you must do what you feel like. If you follow your (true) desires and accomplish some of them, I can't see how could you be miserable. And don't worry to come up with a neat plan for the rest of your life, not everyone is apt to follow one of those and it's not better having it than not. If after a couple of years you're tired of what you now want to do, just move on, having done what you wished sure won't mave you miserable even if you change your mind and your life later.

[Mighty Midget]

Thanks, Japofran. Well that's kind of the issue now. I don't know what I feel or what I want. I have spent almost 3/4 of my life doing what others liked to do or what others told me I'd like to do, trying to copy what others did and said, never allowed me to listen to myself and what I really wanted. Right now I'm trying to get used to the idea that I should listen to myself. I'm not used to that at all so that alone will take quite some time and effort.