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Old 01-10-2006, 11:51 PM   #1401
nace
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<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Vendermarch @ Sep 13 2006, 01:02 PM) [snapback]254764[/snapback]</div>
Quote:
Several facts about Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sleeps with pillow under his gun
Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He only tells the bank how much he needs.
Time won't wait for anyone... unless it's Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can win monopoly without owning any streets.
Chuck Norris went on a space expedition to prove that we are alone in space. Now we are.
Chuck Norris once visited Virgin Islands. Now they are called Islands.
Chuck Norris doesn't have alcohol problem. The Alcohol has a problem with Chuck Norris.
At the end of every episode of "Walker - Texas Ranger" it's not credits. It's casualities.
The scene in which Chuck Norris got beaten by Bruce Lee had the most expensive special effects to date.
Chuck Norris invented cancer because he got tired of killing people.
Chuck Norris doesn't leave messages. He leaves warnings.
Chuck Norris sleeps with lights on. Not because he's afraid of the dark. The Darkness is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Arnold said "Ill be back" in first Terminator. He only went to ask Chuck Norris for help.
Chuck Norris once survived suicide bombing. He was the bomber.
When Chuck Norris raises his middle finger, he only shows you how much seconds of life you have left.
The Chinese Great wall was originaly built to stop Chuck Norris. It failed miserably.
Chuck Norris counted to infinite. Twice.
Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. Death was afraid to tell him.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris separates his laundry into three heaps. White, Colour and Bloody.
When the Boogieman goes to sleep, he looks under the bed to see if Chuck Norris is there.
Chuck Norris often donates blood for the Red Cross. But not his own.
Chuck Norris once played russian roulette with fully loaded gun. And won.
When Chuck Norris falls into water he's not wet. The water is Chuck Norris.
There's no evolution theory. Only list of species that Chuck Norris left alive.
When Chuck Norris is late, the time should slow down for it's own sake.
Chuck Norris can burn ants with magnifier. At night.
Chuck Norris is the only person who beat the concrete wall in tennis.
Chuck Norris' tears heal cancer. Too bad he never cries.
On the last page of Guiness Record Book there's mentioned that Chuck Norris holds all of them. The people mentioned there are just closest to him.
Some people wear pajamas with Superman. Superman wears pajamas with Chuck Norris.
There are no races. Only people who got beaten by Chuck Norris to different shades of black blue and yellow.
Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac at KFC and he got it.
There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris destroyed the table of elemets. He only acknowledges one. Element of surprise.
In Nagasaki there was no bomb. It was Chuck Norris.
The handicaped sign on parking lot means, that Chuck Norris will make you handicaped if you'll park there.
In regular Living Room there are 1242 things that Chuck Norris could use to kill you. Including the Room itself.
Chuck Norris never sleeps. He only waits.
Weapons doesn't kill. Chuck Norris does.
The most common causes of death in USA are: 1: Heart Diseases 2: Chuck Norris 3: Cancer
Space exists only because it's afraid to be on one planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He only presses them to get information.
Chuck Norris is so fast, that he could run around the earth and hit himself into back.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 74 and all of them are deadly
Chuck Norris knows the last number of Pi
Chuck Norris invented whole color spectrum except pink. That was invented by Tom Cruise.
Chuck Norris can stretch diamond, transforming it back into coal.
There's no global warming. Only Chuck Norris pulled the earth closer to sun when he felt cold.
When god said: Be light. Chuck Norris waited till he kindly asks him to.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse into it's jaw. Henceforth it was know as giraffe.
Ozzy Osbourne bites off bat heads. Chuck Norris does that to Tigers.
Chuck Norris can make a bubble from beef steak.
When you say "No one's perfect" Chuck Norris takes that as personal insult.

Sorry if mistranslated something
[/b]
This is one of the most hillarious things ihave ever red

There was this rabbit. He got drunk as hell in a bar near the forrest and made his way home. But he was so drunk and he got lost somewhere in the monutains. Ha walked for a while, and in the end he passed out. It was winter - there was no food, no grass, no flowers no meat, no nothing - the crisis period of the year. In a while a gang of wolves found him laying in the snow. They were too many to share him, about 20 of them (wolves) .So they started arguing, then they started fighting, then they started killing each other-it was a massacre.
The next morning the rabbit wakes up, streches, and takes a look around him: blood, brains, tails, legs, arms, heads, eyes, bones, scalves... around him. He says to him self:
"Man, I don`t know what am I doing when im drunk."

---------------------------

Behind 7 monutains, behind 7 seas, behind 7 hills, behind 7 continents, behind 7 rivers, behind 7 forests, behind 7 countries, behind 7 lakes and behind 7 trees, once lived a dragon. One day the dragon wakes up an says:
"Where the hell am I living"
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Old 02-10-2006, 12:10 PM   #1402
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Last 2 from Nace - LOL. ROFL.
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Old 02-10-2006, 02:26 PM   #1403
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A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


------------------------------



On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
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Old 02-10-2006, 02:51 PM   #1404
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I've got some more Chuck Norris facts for ya -

1.Some household cleaning products claim to kill 99% of all known germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.
2.There is no chin under Chuck's beard. Only another fist.
3.Chuck Norris has two speeds - walk, and kill.
4.When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
5.Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6.Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
7.Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
8.Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
9.Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
10.Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
11.Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
12.When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
13.When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
14.Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
15.Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it's just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
16.Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
17.Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
18.Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.
19.Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
20.Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

20 is enough, there are thousands of them out there on the interweb.
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Old 02-10-2006, 03:52 PM   #1405
nace
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Chuck Noris rulez :brain: :wallbash: :monkey_dance:

You do realise that he will kill us all, including Kosta
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Old 04-10-2006, 08:09 AM   #1406
TheChosen
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My new idol.

But hey! I got a joke.

A potato seller was walking down a street with a sack full of potatoes. When he passed a skycraper, he heard a voice : Gimme potatoe's, gimme potatoe's.

That voice came from the toppest floor of the building. The seller tought that someone wanted to buy potatoes, so he entered the building.

However, the elevator was broken, so he had to take the stairs.

After he finally made it to the top, he found a parrot.

The parrot said: Gimme potatoe's, gimme potatoe's.

Potato seller became angry. He grabbed the parrot and tossed him out of the window.

While falling down, the parrot passed a window cleaner, who just dropped from the roof.

" I see. Did you tried to buy potatoes too?" Parrot asked.
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Old 04-10-2006, 02:45 PM   #1407
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couldn't laugh..sorry
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Old 04-10-2006, 10:08 PM   #1408
nace
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<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Himmler @ Oct 4 2006, 01:45 PM) [snapback]259343[/snapback]</div>
Quote:
couldn't laugh..sorry
[/b]
LOL
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Old 04-10-2006, 10:22 PM   #1409
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Once upon a time there was a man who owned a pet rabbit. The little critter was a complete pervert and tried to copulate with anything that moved: canaries, tortoises, cats, dogs, the neighbour's hamster, the neighbour's wife...
...eventually, and after numerous complaints, the man decides to get rid of his furry lustful friend. He puts him in his car, drives all the way to the desert and drops him there.

The following day, the man is filled with remorse. He decides to search for his bunny and races to the place where he had dropped him.

After a few hours of searching under the scorching sun, the man finds his bunny lying on his back, seemingly lifeless. Vultures are flying around it.
He bursts into tears:

''My poor, poor bunny! What have I done?! I loved you so much, and now you're dead!!!!''

And suddenly....

''Schhhhh...shut up, dammit!!!'', the bunny whispers. ''You just wait until those hot-looking vultures land....''
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Old 04-10-2006, 11:35 PM   #1410
nace
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Yeah, thats a horny rabbit allright
Rabbits also rule
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