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[Blood-Pigggy]

Universally lauded for its transparencies and superlatives, Fallout is the poster-boy for wannabe RPG alpha-dogs. Amongst the typical contrivances present in the usual RPG cult-classics (worshiped by cults of mediocrity-loving nimrods), Fallout is filled with compromises, an adequate combat compromised for boring exploratory actions in a dull world with a cursory element of art design, a navigable interface compromised for a collection of motley unusable implements, vapid pointless skills, and other aimless constructs in a largely imaginary roleplaying sense (questionable levels of usefulness vary on nearly any single definer within the game). Fallout is essentially a game without a game, filled with content, but with its systems entirely barren and its mechanics with ramshackle assemblage.



Somewhere in this paltry and pitiful universe exist an excessively overpopulated group of self-indulgent nincompoops who find the time to praise their beloved - the video-game equivalent of a shitty b-grade fantasy novel in the Embarrassing section of their local Borders - perfect for the people who skim over Joyce and Faulkner and head straight for the putrid aisles infested with George RR Martin and his worthless ilk. Planescape: Torment is their idol, and amongst its absolutely disgusting morass of broken gameplay, awful combat, thoroughly mentally incapable AI and fantastically indiscreet layer of shit used as a form of polish, they target its purple prose dialog and overwrought descriptions that would force any self-respecting author into a crying jag, and they latch onto these worthless and cursory accessories and felate them to the point that any mention of this title shall illicit vivid images of shrunken and dried phallus.



Imagine you're shuffling through the choking hell-hallways of a stuffed JC Penney while plastic-faced women douse you with an assortment of cheap perfumes to coerce you into a purchase, half-way along the ordeal, one of the creatures implores you to halt and observe her wares, she introduces the idea that her brand is less pungent than the sulfurous secretions of the other fart-bags, yet smelling the product still delivers an unpleasant odor, although at a lesser degree. This is much comparable to Chrono Trigger in that many beady eyed predators will attempt to draw the unwitting into the fetid pus-grounds of the pathetically inadequate jRPG world with its alluringly unique mechanics. Unfortunately, upon touching ground, Chrono Trigger ends up being just as cliched, broken, dull, repetitive and utterly idiotic as the rest of its brethren. Although at a lesser degree.


Highest amongst the throngs of video-games that morons babble on of incessantly and yet have never laid hands on, is the turd-prince of System Shock 2. Challenging any individual to reveal any aspect of this title's plot will result in utter failure as they stared glassy eyed into space and attempt to conjure up any morsels that had absorbed on the internet while eying screenshots of System Shock 2 with indifferent eyes (right before they head off on a message-board and heatedly discuss its merits with other individuals who had never laid hands upon the game). Interestingly enough, this phenomena is ironic in that it seems that an inborn aversion towards playing this game, which produces the result of praising it, is actually a subconscious reaction to what can only be its true nature, that of a steaming pile of shit. No game features such clumsy gunplay, such generic and pointless RPG elements, ugly graphics and utterly generic art design. The only thing saving this title from status as complete garbage is a semblance of decent plot with carries a trace element of subtlety, unlike the rolling flame-engulfed train wreck that is Planescape: Torment.



Coming up to the grand king of unrepentant shit, we have X-Com: UFO Defense. Before the flames of the fire are fanned into a raging inferno, one concession must be made, the intro is rather kicking-rad, beyond that there is only utter and complete consuming misery. Strategy gamers praise this title, most likely as a dick-measuring contest in their ability to beat this poorly balanced pile of dreck within the least amount of time and with the most well equipped squad of utterly incompetent shitheads. Purile enemy AI, disgustingly simplistic tactical elements and hideous graphics (even for the time) all compound into a title that suffer from further issues such as a poorly assembled grand strategy element and absolutely idiotic cursory space-combat mechanic.