Go Back   Forums > Community Chatterbox > Music, Art, Movies
Memberlist Forum Rules Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read
Search Forums:
Click here to use Advanced Search

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 19-02-2005, 09:23 PM   #41
Fawfulhasfury
Home Sweet Abandonia
 
Fawfulhasfury's Avatar

 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Saint Joseph, United States
Posts: 1,444
Default

Wow, not many people have voted so far. Come on everybody and tell them I'm the best here and that I won. LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
How long does the voting last exactly, Wael??? A week???
Fawfulhasfury is offline                         Send a private message to Fawfulhasfury
Reply With Quote
Old 19-02-2005, 09:31 PM   #42
rainwife
Abandonia nerd

 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ,
Posts: 65
Default

Quote:
Originally posted by FreeFreddy@Feb 19 2005, 06:28 PM
@Rainwife - please don't take it personally. Your text is also very good, but in little other way. If I would be able to vote two times, my second vote would go without any doubt to you. I'll try to make it good somehow later, promised.
Freddy - that you even cosidered me from all these great works, is a privledge allready! And you should always be true to yourself! k:
rainwife is offline                         Send a private message to rainwife
Reply With Quote
Old 19-02-2005, 11:50 PM   #43
taikara
Abandonia Homie

 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Shella, Kenya
Posts: 710
Default

First, I would like to say that I personally believe that everyone submitted excellent contributions. In the interest of fairness, I am going to give a small criticism for each piece, and end with my vote.

@Puffin: The concept is excellent, but the delivery fell through just a little. It is well written, but on the next go, try to use some description that has more impact, to better give a sense of the mood of the piece. You used a few really good descriptive words, but it was a little inconsistent. Keep up the good work, and you'll be ready to publish in no time.

@rainwife: Although the poem is clever, and the subject interesting, I would like to see more a more visceral use of description in future works. Also, I noticed that you used a lot of the passive verbs: "is, are, knew," etc. Try to use action verbs, they have a lot more impact on the reader. The only other thing I noticed was that your rhythm scheme seemed to slip here and there, but that is quite possibly the difference in pronunciation we may have, so I'm not sure if it's a valid criticism or not. All in all, I'm impressed. Refine your technique a little, and you could also publish in no time.

The last three are all extremely good, probably already at publishing level, and I had a very hard time deciding between them.

@Fawful: You should look into publishing your work. Your poetry is very mature and deep. The rhythm is nearly flawless, although some of the lines don't have quite the impact I think the subject deserves. You have used some very sophisticated literary techniques, as well.

@Wael: Excellent use of descriptive vocabulary, imho, the best of all the submissions. I would also suggest to you that you look into getting published. Use of metaphor, excellent. The one criticism I have for you is a little unfair. The long, run-on sentences make it difficult to read. Try using a variation of simple and compound sentences, to break up monotony and give a little more interest to the piece. Remember, the reader's attention span is rarely able to grasp long sentences, no matter how beautifully written they may be.

@SixApes: Publish Your Work. Description, metaphor, interest, depth of subject matter, emotional impact, consistency. Your piece has all of these. I wish I could think of a valid criticism, but I can't. The only thing I might say would be that as it is an example of poetic prose, your subject might be presented a little too loftily for the average reader. Borderline, in any case. Bravo.


Reading over criticisms:

My vote goes to SixApes.
taikara is offline                         Send a private message to taikara
Reply With Quote
Old 20-02-2005, 06:03 AM   #44
SixApes
Abandonia nerd

 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Kalamazoo, United States
Posts: 78
Send a message via Yahoo to SixApes
Default

Quote:
Death of Love

The forgotten sheets entwine around her limp body as she stares at the popcorn ceiling, wanting to see his face in the random chaos. She tries desperately to find the familiar musky scent on his abandoned pillow, and a tear crawls slowly down her cheek as she realizes that the only smell is that of her own cold sweat. The fan whirs endlessly above her head, only emphasizing the miserable chill created by the abscence of his heat.

A fleeting thought of death floats sickly to the surface of her mind, but it is numbly dismissed by reason. Love, which conquers all, could not bring him back. Death would certainly offer no real solution.

And so she silently waits for sleep to erase her anguished memories, hoping that her dreams would allow her to once more believe that love truly exists, if only in the depths of her own troubled soul.
It was hard to choose. But after i carefully read each essay, i had to make a decision.

I chose taikara

Something in her writing flowed in a way that made it easy to read and emotionally strong. I think its hard to find a good balance when writing. Her words lulled me. They were romantic words drenched in a tender and madening sadness. Though her writing was restrained to a limit size, she was still able to create an ambiance. For me a writing is entirely about the writers ability to craft a lot from so little.

"The fan whirs endlessly above her head, only emphasizing the miserable chill created by the abscence of his heat." phrases like these were the first to sell me. And even "And so she silently waits for sleep to erase her anguished memories," Beautifull.

Credits go to you taikara.
SixApes is offline                         Send a private message to SixApes
Reply With Quote
Old 20-02-2005, 09:17 AM   #45
Sebatianos
[BANNED]
 
Sebatianos's Avatar

 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Ljutomer, Slovenia
Posts: 3,883
Default

Well here's my vote, but before I make it I have one question - will there ever be a subject of pure (almost patetic) love? I'd like to submit something on that topic (juts a romantic at heart).

I was thinking really hard about this one and I must say I like Wael's a lot, but Sixapes seems to have caught my eye also. I have to say Tai wrote a good contributiuon too, but I disliked the mood (sorry, I know I'm not objective). It's good, but not my cup of tea.
I guess you all know me by now (if you don't you'll get to I hope), I love a good punch line - no matter what. And the only one who included some humor was Rainwife - so my vote goes to her.
Sorry, I might also be a bit bias, but I always like good old fashioned twist at the end. So Rainwife has my vote.
Sebatianos is offline                         Send a private message to Sebatianos
Reply With Quote
Old 20-02-2005, 10:15 AM   #46
wendymaree
Home Sweet Abandonia
 
wendymaree's Avatar

 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 963
Default

I liked all the poems. Each one had something to commend it. Well done, everyone. k:

But I have to choose one... I vote for Rainwife's poem, because it was very real, originally expressed and because it had so much vitality. It also had an unforgettable quality for me.
wendymaree is offline                         Send a private message to wendymaree
Reply With Quote
Old 20-02-2005, 05:20 PM   #47
Fawfulhasfury
Home Sweet Abandonia
 
Fawfulhasfury's Avatar

 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Saint Joseph, United States
Posts: 1,444
Default

Wait, I just saw that wael used It as my entry poem. LOL that was my least favorite of them. If anything, I would have chosen Illsmouth for the entry poem. Also, I did not know that this was a contest. I just thought it was another topic to post writings. Had I known this was a contest, I would have posted something much better. So I guess if you are going to use IT as my entry poem, I withdraw my entry from the contest. Good luck everyone. :bye:
Fawfulhasfury is offline                         Send a private message to Fawfulhasfury
Reply With Quote
Old 20-02-2005, 05:33 PM   #48
rainwife
Abandonia nerd

 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ,
Posts: 65
Default

Well, Faul and just when I wanted to give you my vote :whistle:
After a long consideration and because I don't want to vote for myself :angel: my vote goes to SixApes
rainwife is offline                         Send a private message to rainwife
Reply With Quote
Old 20-02-2005, 07:58 PM   #49
Fawfulhasfury
Home Sweet Abandonia
 
Fawfulhasfury's Avatar

 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Saint Joseph, United States
Posts: 1,444
Default

Maybe I'll reenter. Yep. I reenter the contest.
Fawfulhasfury is offline                         Send a private message to Fawfulhasfury
Reply With Quote
Old 20-02-2005, 09:27 PM   #50
Wael
Hero Gamer

 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Shella, Kenya
Posts: 485
Default

Tough call,
(Shortly)
Either @Apes Classicality & originality, compined with its almost perfect use of words (but that then again is only since I prefer that way of writing -
Or @Tais Touch into ones heart, its verbal perfectity, The idea and its creation?
Its simple beauty?

This time, leaning over to Tais, Somehow it just goes through my heart -

Votes so far

Tai - 4
rain - 3
Apes - 2
Wael is offline                         Send a private message to Wael
Reply With Quote
Reply


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Writing, Wargames & Pixels - Horseman's Portfolio The Fifth Horseman Music, Art, Movies 119 28-08-2012 05:39 PM
Writing: Winter Roses wendymaree Music, Art, Movies 10 15-05-2007 04:43 PM
Magic's Super Writing St00f! Sean Music, Art, Movies 2 25-09-2005 09:40 PM
The Abandonia Writing Society TheVoid Music, Art, Movies 13 06-08-2005 03:21 AM
The Pain Of Writing Papers. The Niles Blah, blah, blah... 18 30-11-2004 12:54 PM

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump
 


The current time is 11:55 PM (GMT)

 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.