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[Sebatianos]

Translated from the Süddeutsche Zeitung (a collection of headlines):

The deceased had no arms, no legs and no head. It’s possible he was murdered.
The perpetrator wanted to abuse the woman. Police beat him to it.
The wives who kill their husbands have no right to get the widow’s pension.
She bit the attacker in the arm and thus robbed him of his manly hood.
While the dead pilot was leaning to the window and waving he was calling for help.
Next year 4000 policemen should come to one citizen.
An employee at the gas station was stabbed. Did anybody hear the shot?
The corpse didn’t want to open the door, so the police drew away.
“She was alive just a second before her death,” the young girl’s parents said.
The horse didn’t give any statements considering the accident.
He was making funny faces, as though he hadn’t committed suicide just two days earlier.
Next the body covered itself with leaves and ran. Two days later they caught it near Frankfurt.
They found the power-tools in gypsy’s underpants.
He hit her on the head and then attended to other house choirs.

[Sebatianos]

This isn't really a double post (it's been a while sinse the last post here - I just don't want the jokes to die):

A guy comes into the doctors office: "Doc! I need a pack of viagra quickly."
Doctor: "Wait a minute. Slow down. What happened?"
Guy: "Well I've met these three extremely hot girls and we started talking. They were fighting which one of them is better in bed and decided I should be the judge. All three of them are comming to my place tonight, to convince me they have the supperior sexual skills."
Doctor: "Seems you shouldn't have any problems with your erection then..."
Guy: "You don't get it. They'll all do me. I don't know if I'll be able to handle all of that. I don't want to turn soft while they're expecting my little soldier to salute."
Doctor: "But taking a whole pack of viagra can be really dangerous for you."
Guy: "You're a man doc. I'm sure you can understand. I mean it's three girls competing which one will give me more pleasure. That's a one in a two-dozen-life-times chance!"
Doctor: "This will mess up your blood preasure for days to come, so you're taking it at your own risk. I don't wanna see you back here complaining if anything goes wrong."
Guy: "done deal doc. Thanks."
Sure enough the guy comes back to the doctor the very next day: "Doc!"
Doctor: "I told you I don't wanna see you. I don't care what your blood preasure is!"
Guy: "It's not that doc. The girls never showed up, so I need a good hand lotion now."

[Fox]

Taken from a comedian who went to the National bear park in Canada:

Black is the announcement, green is comedians words, red is the bear

There are 2 types of bears in this area. Black bears & brown bears(grizzly).
When being attacked by a brown bear or grizzly do not attempt to run away.
Grizzlies can run faster than race horses.(Yeah right! Then why don't you see them at race meetings)
Play dead.(Sure that's what the bear want's isn't it: "Good! His dead. Now I can eat him")
Should the bear start to eat you play dismembered.
The thing is that you don't have to run faster than a race horse, ....You just have to run faster than the people your with. By the time his caught up with John or whoever, ....you can walk home

This is much better heard than written

[BeefontheBone]

Isn't that a Bill Hicks routine? It's DEFINITELY better spoken!

[blastradius14]

So what happens when there is a bear 4x in size than a normal bear? Act to small to be appealing.

[Sebatianos]

Here's a pic to make you smile:

[allyfaucet]

heehee! LOL

[Sebatianos]

And here's another:

[Unknown Hero]

The Creation


In the beginning, there was the computer. And God said,
c:\> Let there be light!
Enter user ID.
c:\> God
Enter password.
c:\> Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\> Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\> Technocrat


And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.


c:\> Let there be light!

Unrecognized command. Try again.
c:\> Create light
Done
c:\> Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\> Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognized command. Try again.
c:\> Create firmament
Done
c:\> Run firmament

And God divided the Heavens and the Earth. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\> Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place
and let the dry land appear and...
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\> Create dry_land
Done.
c:\> Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:00:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\> Create lights in the fimament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\> Run sun_moon_stars
Done

And God seperated the light from the darkness.
The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\> Create fish
Done
c:\> Create fowl

Done
c:\> Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature
that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every
winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 8.
c:\> Create cattle
Done
c:\> Create creepy_things
Done
c:\> Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\> Create man
Done
c:\> Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of
the air and over every living thing that creepeth on the earth
Too many operands. Try again.

c:\> Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors ...
c:\> Insert breath
Execution terminated. 5 errors...

c:\> Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\> Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\> Run muliplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors...
c:\> Copy woman from man
Done
c:\> Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\> Create desire
Done

c:\> Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 error

c:\> Create freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

c:\> Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created

c:\> Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help

c:\> Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help

c:\> Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors

c:\> Create good, evil
Done

c:\> Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors

c:\> Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.

c:\> Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated

c:\> Destroy freewill
Freewill is an accessible file and cannot be destroyed
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help

c:\> Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again

c:\> Break
c:\> Break
c:\> Break

>
ATTENTION ALL USERS***ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE
AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES,
PLEASE LOG OFF.

c:\> Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space.
You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

c:\> Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm

COMPUTER DOWN***COMPUTER DOWN.
SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6

On March 8, God created the Macintosh.

[Stebbi]

Originally posted by unclefester@Jun 30 2004, 09:07 PM
There was a Turk a German and a Greek travelling with an airplane around Europe. When the plane was flying over Germany the German thows a beercan and says
German:Hail to Germany and its great beers!
When they plane was flying over Turkey the Turk throws a knife and says
Turk:Hail to Turkey and its elaborate knives
Finally when the plane was flying over Greece the Greek threw a pack of explosives and said
Greek: Hail to greece and its great explosives
When the German went home he found his mother weeping and asked what had happened. His mother told him that a beercan landed on his father's head and knocked him dead.
When the Turk arrived at his home he also saw his mother crying and ask why she was crying. His mother told him that a knife landed on his father's head and pierced his skull
When the greek went home he saw his mother laughing.
Greek: Why are you laughing ?
Greek's Mother: Your father farted and the house fell apart!!!


I really hope you liked it. It is very popular in my town

wow i haven't heard that one since i was like 6 years old