|22-04-2010, 05:05 AM||#1|
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Sydney, Australia
Catholic Elementary School Test on The Bible
I laughed so hard reading this that I started to cry near the end. Just imagine a nun trying to keep a straight face while marking it.
Btw, I hope no one finds any content offensive. I'm a Christian, but I understand that kids can be so innocent and funny at the same time.
Comments in brackets are mine - feel free to ignore them if they spoil reading The rest of the text is copied and pasted in a way I recieved it, including the following disclaimer.
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
(this one knows his beers )
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
(lol information overload)
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
(it will take years for this child to understand all the possible meaning of this sentence What can I say, that Lot was a lucky man )
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
(This was when I first started cracking up - I had to pause reading to calm down)
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
(no comment on thise one)
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
(perhaps the least funny of all, but still good)
7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
(it's funny how a child's mind makes things simple)
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
(lol drowning in a dessert is a nice touch, but a child that can spell cyanide... )
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
(And they never stopped...)
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
(haha, I'm sure some would agree with this one)
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
(I always thought that Canada was the promised land too )
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
(Every parent knows this one for truth)
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
(second time I had to stop reading. I just kept picturing 300 women sitting and 700 porcupines sniffing around)
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
(another case of poor kid's mind being bombarded by too much information)
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
('The three wise guys' cracked me up so much that I didn't even notice typo 'manager' first time I was reading it)
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
(yeah, who's supposed to remember 'baptist' anyway? )
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
(sound's like a good rule to me )
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
(child's mind is a precious thing )
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
(lol they were a loud bunch )
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
(perhaps on it's own a good one, but in this company not that funny)
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
(another hillarious one - again I kept picturing a small oppossum with a halo driving a cab )
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
(well, teach children some easy words first!)
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
(I wonder if this was a typo or did the child overhear his/her dad? )
|22-04-2010, 10:09 AM||#2|
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Opole, Poland
I see some of those kids really should be pointed to Wikipedia and Wiktionary.
In my days we had no internet access, only massive print encyclopedias to rely on. ~400 page paper bricks printed in small font, in at least six separate volumes to navigate. And yet we managed
|22-04-2010, 12:32 PM||#3|
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Waterside, South Africa
Aww, my grumpy ol fifth, stop shaking your walking stick at the kids on the lawn and come sit by the fire, the wine's getting cold No, no STS missiles, not again...!
|28-04-2010, 04:09 PM||#4|
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Tartu, Estonia
i've studied in catholic school for 9 years and i lold hard on this
<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some f*ggot named robert <RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you? <T-Wolf> ya, why man? <RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson? <T-Wolf> you mother f*cker
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