[Mighty Midget]

Thank you guys. I really appreciate the feedback.

About a depression, this isn't a depression in it's early state. I have had it and (it seems to me now) been nursing it and protecting it for about 25 years now. I have seen pros but they pretty much gave me two thumbs down saying I'm too old to ever see any changes, that anyone my age with a long term depression will never get rid of it and that I can live the rest of my life on various pills. That is not an option. However, this odd doc I got in contact with recently has a different opinion and I'm currently waiting to hear from him about any therapy.

I just came back from one of my walks and while walking it struck me how similar my reaction to seeing those positive thinking sites were to my phobic reactions. I was, to put it simply, scared of challenging my negativity, like I have kind of grown to believe my negativity is helping me in any way. I know that is a lie but at the same time I still sort of believe negative thoughts are good for me in some obscure way. At the moment I have to repeat it to myself over and over again that negativity is a problem, not a solution, and as long as I have to keep doing that it's fairly obvious I'm not out of it yet.

About any irony in the first post: There you go, I have read it again and I don't find any irony there. I have gotten so used to thinking and talking the way I do I don't even realize there was anythng in that post anyone would see as irony. To me it's just "the way it is" if you know what I mean. On using irony the positive way? Much of the same, really, and the fact that I just don't know what positivism is. If Mr. Positive came walking down the street with smileys all over and a huge sign saying "don't worry be happy" I wouldn't know. That is one of the great challenges to me, to learn what positivism means. To me it's just a word with no particular meaning other than it's something I believe I need.

On talking to people. Well, that's a challenge too. When you don't see how your sour or ironic remarks can possibly be seen as negative it's hard to avoid pissing people off. Another thing is I have just recently started the work of changing myself and I have never given this stuff much thought, rather I have ran away from it. Part of what I have to do now is to understand what I'm doing and why I am the way I am. As I said, it's a load of work when I'm almost phobic of looking into myself and running away from myself has become my "natural" reaction. Ok, I see the irony coming: You might have noticed I spent quite a huge amount of time on AB and AR. Before that I spent my time at the pubs. That has always been, I suppose, me running. Also, While running I have been faking a cheerful mood. I don't know, perhaps a bit how I wanted it to be and part what I wanted other to believe. Most probably both. To me, this topic is about talking to others while peeling myself to try to get a better idea of the way I act. I won't use smileys here like I have used in the sb, I need to stop pretending I'm laughing or smiling when I'm not. Talking to others won't do any good if I keep hiding.

I need structure. That I know, but it hasn't been in my thoughts for so long I will have to work on it just to feel at least a grain of structure. It's so long forgotten I don't even know how it will do me good and it's easy to forget about it and just go randomly through the day again. Seeing it mentioned helps a bit there so yeah thanks, that's a good advice.

Just for the record: I'm also visiting this online shrink forum where I have gotten a few words of gospel. I guess I'm at the point where I need to learn about myself for real.