Ehy there Knut, I'm sorry to hear this, really.
I'm quite sure that my words written in this poor English won't help you much, but you never know.
Like Playbahnosh said you have to change yourself, and only you can do it.
You are strong enough to pass this bad moment, but I don't think you have realized it yet, you are a good person MM...
I think love could help you a lot...really, or maybe God, or a real friend.
I could go ahead for hours, but you are the only one that can do the first step.
Good luck dude.
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