Ok, the opening of that post made me smile
ok, like I said, I'm just beginning to realize how much negativity has ruled my life. Up until today I didn't have a clear idea at all about my own negativity but during my walks today I was surprised how I could, with ease, label every thought I had as downright negative. I tried to keep the thought "look for something positive" but it went away before I got a chance to grab that thought. It's still too much what I see as normal.
One important thing you said was that I have to ask myself if I want it to stay this way. I don't. The thing is for now everything around this seems so new and I don't know how to go ahead and when I have lost the belief in myself it's hard to feel a wholeheartedly wish for change. I know I must change but it's hard to dare, if you see what I mean. I guess I need to get a lot more courage and faith before I can say without lying that I really, really want to change, still I kinda know that's what I have to wish for. I mean, for years I have actually told myself wishes are the fastest way to disappointments. I need to build up courage and faith, that's a fact, but I also need to get a feeling of what that actually means. I guess one will lead to another in some way, but I don't see how.
There's one thing I don't quite understand from what you're saying. I get the impression you say the cause for the depression is something outside of me. Like I said, I'm beginning to understand the causes are not outside of me, but inside of me. The causes are the way I coped with or failed to cope with things around me, so the answer will be in me and the way I see everything, myself included. The cause of the depression is my own thoughts and feelings around what happened and they make me behave in ways that only locks me in the depression. To unlock it, I guess I will have to change my entire world view. I can look out to understand a bit of myself but the main thing is that I will have to change. There is a saying that goes "if I'm right and the world is wrong, then I'm wrong and the world is right". That holds more truth and is much more relevant to me, I feel, than I have ever really realized.