[RRS]

It's sunny outside, but I feel like on a rainy day...

From early childhood I knew I'm a bit different from the average folk. I've accepted many of my personality quirks, believing some may be in fact postitive traits.

But they're backfiring at me now.

Take for example my ambitions, my creativity, my interests. I hoped I would be able to make a living out of them. I never dreamed about luxuries, so I hoped this will be enough.

From what I see it's always about not finding the right people. Even back when I was 13 and took classes in 3DStudio (the youngest people attending were at least twentysomething, most were 30+!) that guy who offered the job conned both me and that student who went with me.

5 years ago I was coordinating a project of making add-ons for popular flight simulators, such as IL-2 Sturmovik and MS Flight Simulator. I met a guy who was a game developer back in Atari heyday, he had company and experience, so I tried to seize that opportunity. It was a big flop as this guy was not only constantly out of money (I was scared to hire anyone as this would soon lead to me owing people money!), but he couldn't handle such simple tasks such as fetching documentation (I had to travel half the country to do it, while he was in the right place) or paying for yearly web hosting.

It sucks not only because I didn't make $ or that I failed my community. During my research I met authors of books my Dad was getting 30+ years ago... I feel I let them down, too. And screwed up my resume, too, wasting so much time on this project.

I had few ideas for games. Some even suitable for small teams (3-4 people for starters). I'm not a coder. And even if I was one, I'm not into 1-man Flash games (they "last" one evening), more like indie team developement, I simply need 1-2 people to start any of these projects. Too bad that in my country game developement was always very undeveloped. Bah, "The Witcher" you say - no, it's an exception, and only thanks to consoles, mind you. It's difficult to find a company the right size...
Despite lack of contact with coder society, I've asked on forums, even approached some people...

Even that online catalogue website (for old gramophone records) didn't come into existence, as I work alone, and coding is not my forte. I have to learn from scratch, but despite previous entry-level experience it's slow for me. I made a working MySQL database structure, on with PHP... but it's a drudgery to go all alone, and this project is purely non-profit (not only niche subject, but also I'd have to rely on free contributions like MobyGames or Wikipedia, commercial would only scare people away).

My interests lead me into a very interesting subject I started researching. Too bad I don't live in the capital, I need reference documentation, it's not like writing "Harry Potter" from the top of your head. So much for writing a book. Got an idea to expand it and make a multimedia encyclopedia series, for which my experience in graphic/design/databases etc. would be fully used. But I don't see any CD encyclopedias sold anymore, Wikipedia killed them all, so I'm blank as to which publisher I should speak to. Not the ones who do paper books, mind you (they want completed texts, and this would be a research project for few people lasting months, 2 years maybe).

You'll shout "get a normal job, abandon all your crazy ideas". The point is they won't let me sleep at night anymore... I need to work on something I believe in. It gives my otherwise dull body wings.