To:
billy.gates@microsoft.com
From:
peter.m.austin@MSLovers.com
Subject: Well done Microsoft, you've made me not want to erase yours and everyone associated with you's gene-pools from the face of the planet once again.
Dear Microsoft,
For as long as I can remember, at least for the PC years of my life, I have been a loyal MS user. The term "Idle Dosser" became for me not an accusatory term for loafishness, often applied to those who find themselves inclined to roam around doing absolutely nothing but begging up change for a cuppa tea (alcohol) and occasionally pausing to eat rotting BigMacs out of park dustbins. No sir it did not. It became a phrase to describe a man about Dos! A man who knew his 0's from his 1's and his xcopy from copy, and could write a config.sys without having to check the names of the drivers. REAL men.
Then, we graciously accepted into our lives a graphical user interface. Not that we had much choice, when you started shipping computers with nothing but Windows and software and games were all for Windows.
At least you still let us have Dos with them.
Until you took it away without any warning.
Compatibility mode? You're having a giraffe mate. It was around that time that you started really sticking it to us.
Stop supporting WinNT will you?! Make it so that EVERY Tom, Dick and flaming Harry can have access to PRIVILEGED INFORMATION [IE TEH INTERNET] and fill it with inane, banal, total and utter shite.
Then you thought it'd be a good idea to not only have "genuine Windows updates" aka "if you've got a pirate copy, we're gonna piss you off til you get a real one, after which we can REALLY piss you off cos, buddy - you bought it." but you thought it'd be
useful to remotely update my PC...
With content that I probably don't need or want or can be bothered to look up what it does.
(well I've flaming well had to now, haven't I? To remove the fecking things)
The worst part is, I had automatic updates turned off. So how the SMEG did these updates find their way into install, huh? Tell me - How?!
The other worst part is, when I goto look up the problem online - I find that hundreds of other people have had the same problem.
And this is where it really gets my goat, right.
THESE PEOPLE YOU LET ON THE INTERNET, WITH YOUR BLASTED "ONLINE INTEGRATION" ARE SELFISH, IGNORANT, ILLITERATE TWONKS.
The whole of the Microsoft forum is filled with people demanding that someone do something about this and fix their problems retroactively else they'll become Mac users!!!
OMFG!
How will you not cave into those demands, Mr Microsoft..? Can you refuse <3Jennilee99847? She's probably beautiful, like that girl in the advert where she says, "I wanted less clicks, I got less clicks".
Is asking for stability and some assurance that, when I turn my computer on next, my world won't slowly crumble before me in a blue screen of death, addresses 00000000x00358ff0edc - 00000000fffx0000a266cf?
All these people don't give a flying fuck that the solution is right there, a few posts above theirs, if they'd care to look.
Those that do even need assistance with simple step-by-step instructions (boot from the cd by doing this:...) or fly into a rage when they perform the task incorrectly and reset their bios or something.
Then there's the ones who just can't be arsed to fix it and demand that there's some auto-update to fix it for them, not realising that they need to get the machine to start before it's even realised that isn't an option.
The worst are the ones who want to go on crusades because their "$4000 laptop is now just a paperweight". Firstly - what the hell are you doing spending $4000 on a laptop? Second - Follow the instructions and fix it. oh, don't have a copy of the windows disc? poor you, should've thought ahead then, dick monkey. Third - Fuck off.
SEE WHAT KIND OF VILE AND LOATHSOME SOCIETY YOU ARE BREEDING, MR MICROSOFT!
SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO THE HUMAN RACE!!!
As if
that wasn't enough, you have to go and integrate the internet so much into our computer's operation that not only does Tom, Dick and Harry have access to the internet, but their frigging wives, their wives' lovers, and their lover's pet spaniel can get online with the click of a button and CONTRIBUTE TO FUCKING UP THE INTERNET, WASTING MY GOD-DAMN TIME AND ADDING TO THE ALREADY HEAVING, SWEATING, DISGUSTING FUCK-PILE THAT IS YOU BASTARD RETARDS - YES YOU MICROSOFT YOU ARSING FECK WEASELS - CAUSING THE INTERNET TO FUCK UP MY PC!!!
Sticking your god-damn nose in where it's not wanted. Who the hell are you to go poking around, installing things on MY computer when I don't want them to even be within a trillian, squillian light years of my computer and its precious, precious contents.
Well you just better pray, Mr Bigshot, Fatcat, "I'm a fucking multinational corporation, stronger than GOD" Microsoft.
You'd better pray that I can recover my Windows installation - at least the data (because it's pretty much everything, and I mean *everything*, that keeps me living in the custom to which I am accustomed) and most importantly: The Games - is recoverable.
Because if it isn't, Mr Microsoft, I won't be very happy.
No sir, not happy at all.
So not happy, in fact, that I may consider infecting your local blood-bank with the HIV virus and arranging a small traffic accident for you. One that requires extensive and complicated spinal and neurological surgery and several blood transfusions, resulting in you not only being paralysed from the waist down, blind in one eye, and forever talking with a drooling slur but carrying also the death sentence that is AIDS.
I will kidnap you on an airplane and force you to undergo breast augmentation, under my very own scalpel, in the 3rd class toilet. I will get you addicted to crack and force you to parade your lovely new man-tits in front of the board of directors for your next hit.
Your wife will be turned over to Turkish gangsters to sell into the Middle Eastern sex trade. Her life will be degrading and she will want to kill herself.
Though a part of her is awakened, Mr Microsoft. A part you failed to reach. She loves her work, but hates herself for loving it so much.
For the first time in her life she has experienced sex as it should be.
Yes, you failed your wife, Mr Microsoft. You failed her every day of your life.
Your daughter suffers no such fate, so rest easy there. She is allowed to live her life as an affluent, young daughter-of-a-multinational-corporation.
Before she has even reached 23 years old she has already had several abortions and is nursing a $1500 a day drug habit.
On her 23rd birthday, I will make sure that her heroin is cut with Ajax Powdered Bleach.
It will take over 40 minutes for her vascular system to be corroded enough by the bleach for sweet death to take away her pain.
Mr Microsoft - how does it feel to know that your daughter is dying when you could have saved her by simply not releasing update KB977165..?
That your wife is finding ecstacy with another man - the ecstacy you couldn't provide her with - when all you needed to do was hold back a Kernel update, checking it over again for a few days?
Your son... Well... Brainwashing him into believing he is a homosexual won't be so hard, will it? All that "curious" behavior he was displaying when he joined that Frat House at Yale? The Ivy League college YOU paid for him to be sent to - undeservedly, the thick fuck - so that he wouldn't be seen as one of the R-TARDS OF THE INTERNET!!!
You are guilty, Microsoft.
Tell me that you are okay with your son being gay! TELL ME!!!
I don't believe you can honestly say that you are fine with this.
Not with your strict, white, corporative, republican ways and viewpoint. Stand before me and make an oath before GOD ALMIGHT AND JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF THAT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FINE WITH YOUR SON BEING GAY!
I didn't think you could do it...
You pussy.
You'd better pray, Mr Microsoft. Pray that my PC's okay in the morning, when Chkdsk /r has finished running and I've uninstalled the auto-updates via the Recovery Console.
You'd better hope to whatever you call holy that I can get some data off that HDD...
I really, really, REALLY hate you right now.
Yours sincerely,
Peter Austin