The Internet is for porn. Ever since two computers were first linked together, people have been striving to develop ever more technologically advanced ways to view the ancient act of coitus. The first email sent may have been a meaningless strings of letters, but I'm guessing the second was something along the lines of "tits or gtfo." I'm also willing to bet that half of technology never would've been invented were it not for man's basic drive towards more and better n00dz. It is a natural, beautiful thing.
Even still, despite this immutable fact,
Apple decided to betray all that made it great earlier this week when the Hive's worker drones removed all apps from the iPhone’s app store that even vaguely turned them on (
Grindr got to stay, so I’m assuming none of them are gay guys...). Casualties included
Wobble (which displays a picture from your library - or pair of breasts - that you can wobble by jiggling the iPhone around. Fun),
Sexy Scratch Off (kinda self-explanatory, even though you use the touch-screen tech to "wipe" the clothes off. Guess "Sexy Wipe Off" wasn't such a good name, though) and
Suicidegirls.com's 'Flip Strip' app, a modern take on the sexy novelty pen (see image below - for those that don't know to which type of pen I am referring, google it).
~~images removed
First published by the developer of
Wobble, the criteria are pretty draconian, especially considering the plethora of XXX exposed ankles and more to be found one screen tap away on the Internet using iPhone's
Opera-Mini or in-built
Safari browsers. From Chillifresh.com:
Quote:
- No images of women in bikinis (Ice skating tights are not okay either)
- No images of men in bikinis! (Men in women's underwear is okay, I believe. I hope so or else half my photobucket account will be deleted.)
- No skin (he seriously said this) (I asked if a Burqa was okay, and the Apple guy got angry)
- No silhouettes that indicate that Wobble app/engine can be used for wobbling boobs (yes – I am serious, we have to remove the silhouette from the pics)
NB: The image below is as strong as our App got – do you call this “overtly sexual”?! I DON’T THINK SO!!!
- No sexual connotations or innuendo: boobs, babes, booty, sex – all banned
- Nothing that can be sexually arousing!! (I doubt many people could get aroused with the pic above but those puritanical guys at Apple must get off on pretty mundane things to find Wobble “overtly sexual!)
- No apps will be approved that in any way imply sexual content (not sure how Playboy is still in the store, but …)”
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When asked why
Playboy and
Sports Illustrated’s apps got to stay, an
Apple rep told the
New York Times that “the difference is this is a well-known company with previously published material, available broadly in a well-accepted format.” In other words, huge corporations with money and clout can show as many bikini-clad boobs as they like, but start-ups can stay the hell out.
Sounds like a recipe for innovation.
Suicidegirls founder Missy Suicide appeared on telly the other night to discuss the iPorn removal, poking fun at the absurdity of deeming “1920’s pen technology” too hot for iPhone. “We could reformulate and have the girls in Victorian era bathing suits,” she said, “but I don’t know where I could find those.” (She's so funny :/)
It seems as if Missy Suicide's google skills could do with a little polish. Perhaps if she typed the words "Victorian bathing suit porn" into a search engine, she would find them...
All joking aside, this naked PR move will only backfire on Apple. Its long sought reputation as a young, *kewl* company will evaporate as consumers fed up with censorship let their contracts expire and developers shift their focus to competitor platforms like the Android. As for the children, they will go on downloading midget anal fisting porn, just like always, and parents who rely on corporations to babysit their kids will continue to be horrible human beings.
'Nuff said.