[Mighty Midget]

First: Playbahosh, perhaps you are right about some sort of addictiveness. I don't know because I never saw it that way but when reading ribell's post I knew I was fighting the idea of trying what he suggests, trying to tell myself all these "reasons" why I shouldn't try and I even became very negative about everything while at the same time having this wish: Yes, that is something I have been wanting to do for years, smile, but the idea of standing there pushing a smile on my face always put me off.

Ok, I just woke up and I still have my old ways of seeing things but I'll be out the door in a couple of hours. It's still hard for me to avoid thinking about smiles and happyness in a non-theoretical way but hopefully I'll remember long enough that a smile isn't something I need to ponder and analyze. Honestly, the idea of standing in the front of the mirror practicing seems to me more than just a bit silly but then again I never has been able to think it would be for anything positive in the long run. ribell says it will be positive, so for now I will have to chose to believe him and try to let my stubbornness work with me on this one. Another thing is I'm going to an r/c shop to look around, see what they got. I'm still "here" but in a weird way reading about servos and stuff caught my interest in a way I haven't felt since I really don't know when, even if I don't yet feel that enthustiastic about it at least I have some sort of genuine interest for a hobby here. I guess I need to nurse that interest a bit to get a better feeling of interest. Even if my wallet is empty I have seriously played with thoughts on how to afford one of the cheap but good newbie choppers. It's not going to be easy but it's not impossible even if (I admit) I do tend to fall back to telling myself it is impossible. Anyway, I might get a chance to practice smiling a bit today.

EDIT: Play: About your last post. I will probably have to try this new approach for a while before I will read it again, you know, get a feeling of what it's like to just experience and not theorize. Something tells me I should probably read all you guys' posts again too later if I manage to change that one bit in me.