[Mighty Midget]

Thanks, Lulu.

Ok, seems to me there is still lots I need to get right before I can get to any big changes. Seems BP and Playbahnosh have touched on a key I need to get right. I need to learn to ask myself the right questions for the right reasons and I need to find the reasons and answers in myself. I'm beginning to doubt if the questions I have been asking myself. I am getting doubts about my motifs when asking others and myself. It's hard to get a grasp on it but somehow I have a feeling my motif has been and still is to a huge degree to get thoughts to thiink instead of getting a grip on my own thoughts, sort of substituting my thoughts for others'.

I'm asking myself what do I think, how do I feel but instead of getting something it's like staring at a wall. Something goes on behind it but I don't know what. That's uncomfortable. I really don't know myself. I don't even know what my interests are, I have no idea what makes me happy and not much of an idea of what makes me feel whatever. That has perhaps been what's stopping me from finding what I like. How can I like something when I have no idea how I feel about it? There has been lots and lots of pretending I liked stuff, but it always seemed hollow without me knowing why. I'm thinking I need to tear down this wall but quite frankly I'm scared. I ran away from me for a reason and the idea of going back to me is unsettling like hell and it seems clearer how my mind deals with it by trying to run away from the whole thing. There's a lot of turning to do.