[Mighty Midget]

Ok, now I don't know what to say but I'll try. What you say about your son is something I recognize too well in myself. The negative view, making excuses for not to try, him not believing changes will come and (probably) his feeling of being drained by the mere thought of trying when he's "bound to fail". His fear of failures and lack of confidence with all the consequences that has.That is a description of my own negativity too close for comfort. I know perfectly well it is true, that I have been and still am too much that way, but at the same time that's one of the thoughts I have been running away from and pretending my way out of for so many years now. As for me, like I said, it has been and still is close to a phobia to have anyone or myself have a look at how I really feel and what I really think, a near-phobia I have never really recognized as one until today. At the same time, I can't get away from the thought that that fear has to be challenged and wiped out before I can really start on the Big Changes I need. Also, as for my depression and negativity, this is the only thing I sort of know and recognize, and whenever I try to find something different it's like a vacuum there that has to be filled and the only thing to fill it is the same darkness I try to get rid of. That, I guess, is at the core of this topic, how to find something that isn't dark and how to feel certain it's right this time. I have this feeling the disappontment of finding nothing to replace the negativity while wasting energy trying is part of what has chased me off from trying, and I sense your son may have the same feeling of getting drained for what seems as nothing.

About accomplishing things: I can't say I ever accomplished much. I have had ideas but without the confidence I could pull it off I abandoned all the ideas and I then saw that as proof that my lack of confidence was well justified. For the last weeks I have started walking. At first it was short walks just to get out of the house, to break the routine of doing nothing. Then I started walking longer distances. I started setting goals like doing this walk I never before thought I could and I completed them. I'm still setting greater goals there. What concerns me is these walks haven't given me any greates sensation of accomplishments other than for a very short time and I soon forget how it was like. I'm concerned because with this depression I can't feel sure whether it doesn't feel great because I have a long way to go before I can feel anything or because it's just in vain. At the moment I can only be stubborn and keep walking, choosing to believe I have a long way to walk and that I will start feel something sooner or later. It still nags me though, that I'm only fooling myself.

About using people, well, that's an issue. So far I have been misusing rather than using, not seeing what I was doing and I have to say I feel bad about the whole idea. It's not what it should be like but it's how it turned out. Perhaps I feel I need to make some major changes before I can feel it's fair letting others help. Beside, for all these years I always looked out for answers, never at myself and I need to feel a bit more certain I'm asking for the help I need, not necessarily the help I think I want. Another thing is my negative view may stop me from appreciating their help as something that will do me good. That's one hellish vicious circle.

Except for my walks, I'm all out of ideas of what situations I can create. You are right, but it's something that seems unknown to me. When people ask me what I'd like to do for fun, I honestly have no idea and often just choose something random without actually believing it will be fun at all. Of course, going into something believing it will suck tend to make the prediction come true, so it's not as much a prediction as it is an effort from me to make the situation suck. It's fairly obvious to me right now just how massive my negativity is. I really need to stop it. I suppose this is the exact negativity that frustrates others. Believe me when I say I really want to snap out of it.

EDIT: Just occured to me. One of the most vicious aspects of a depression is that you stop caring about most things or anything at all. To me, telling myself "it's no use so I won't do it" or "it's too difficult, I can't do it" has also been a way of escaping that feeling of not caring and the feeling of guilt that comes when you sort of know you should try but choose not to. Like, I choose not to because I don't care so I can only blame myself but I'd rather not blame myself so I'll tell myself and others it's no use. Way to go if you want to nurse your depression but at the same time another vicious circle that needs to be broken somehow.

2nd EDIT: As far as what a depression is in terms of chemicals, it's a matter of beliefs. Modern science will say it's a physiological illness while a witchdoctor may suggest you need a good exorcist. I have no doubts chemicals play an important role in our brains, but I'm not sure about what's cause and what's effect. To me, pills are about dealing with the effects, not the causes and to me there really is only one option: To get rid of the cause for my depression. Like a painkiller can make life bearable if your arm's broken, anti-depressants can make life easier but just like the painkiller will not help the bone knit back in working order, no anti-depressant can remove the cause of the problem. There are so many alternative explainations on what to do with the cause, from the "nothing can be done" I have been met with in modern medicine, via energy fields of some sort in alternative medicine to demons and devils. Ok, so I don't believe in demons but if modern medicine gives me thumbs down I see no other option than to seek among alternative approaches. Another thing is that I feel by letting pills take away the symptoms I won't be able to search for the causes just like a person who can't feel pain will never realize his spleen is busted. It's certainly not a fun ride but to me it's the only ride that will allow me to getting in touch with all the things in me I have lost touch with.