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RRS 29-08-2011 02:31 PM

creativity blues...
It's sunny outside, but I feel like on a rainy day...

From early childhood I knew I'm a bit different from the average folk. I've accepted many of my personality quirks, believing some may be in fact postitive traits.

But they're backfiring at me now.

Take for example my ambitions, my creativity, my interests. I hoped I would be able to make a living out of them. I never dreamed about luxuries, so I hoped this will be enough.

From what I see it's always about not finding the right people. Even back when I was 13 and took classes in 3DStudio (the youngest people attending were at least twentysomething, most were 30+!) that guy who offered the job conned both me and that student who went with me.

5 years ago I was coordinating a project of making add-ons for popular flight simulators, such as IL-2 Sturmovik and MS Flight Simulator. I met a guy who was a game developer back in Atari heyday, he had company and experience, so I tried to seize that opportunity. It was a big flop as this guy was not only constantly out of money (I was scared to hire anyone as this would soon lead to me owing people money!), but he couldn't handle such simple tasks such as fetching documentation (I had to travel half the country to do it, while he was in the right place) or paying for yearly web hosting.

It sucks not only because I didn't make $ or that I failed my community. During my research I met authors of books my Dad was getting 30+ years ago... I feel I let them down, too. And screwed up my resume, too, wasting so much time on this project.

I had few ideas for games. Some even suitable for small teams (3-4 people for starters). I'm not a coder. And even if I was one, I'm not into 1-man Flash games (they "last" one evening), more like indie team developement, I simply need 1-2 people to start any of these projects. Too bad that in my country game developement was always very undeveloped. Bah, "The Witcher" you say - no, it's an exception, and only thanks to consoles, mind you. It's difficult to find a company the right size...
Despite lack of contact with coder society, I've asked on forums, even approached some people...

Even that online catalogue website (for old gramophone records) didn't come into existence, as I work alone, and coding is not my forte. I have to learn from scratch, but despite previous entry-level experience it's slow for me. I made a working MySQL database structure, on with PHP... but it's a drudgery to go all alone, and this project is purely non-profit (not only niche subject, but also I'd have to rely on free contributions like MobyGames or Wikipedia, commercial would only scare people away).

My interests lead me into a very interesting subject I started researching. Too bad I don't live in the capital, I need reference documentation, it's not like writing "Harry Potter" from the top of your head. So much for writing a book. Got an idea to expand it and make a multimedia encyclopedia series, for which my experience in graphic/design/databases etc. would be fully used. But I don't see any CD encyclopedias sold anymore, Wikipedia killed them all, so I'm blank as to which publisher I should speak to. Not the ones who do paper books, mind you (they want completed texts, and this would be a research project for few people lasting months, 2 years maybe).

You'll shout "get a normal job, abandon all your crazy ideas". The point is they won't let me sleep at night anymore... I need to work on something I believe in. It gives my otherwise dull body wings.

Scatty 29-08-2011 10:01 PM

Maybe you should try doing some music. Might be more successful at it, maybe an undiscovered talent, who knows :p
Not sure, what do you expect as a reply to your post? Ideas what to do for you? For starters, moving to the capital or another country altogether might help your interests & goals. Or seriously, try out some completely different areas of interests, you can never know where you'll find success. Heck, maybe you're even an undiscovered Bruce Lee Nr. 2. No trying, not knowing.

RRS 29-08-2011 10:26 PM

No, I didn't expect to find solution of all my problems in the next forum post.

However I can give examples for people undertaking interesting ventures, who did find each other via internet forum.

I understand I'd get more replies if my posts would be, say, about me being totally clueless at playing Fallout/Baldur's Gate...?

Scatty 30-08-2011 08:52 AM


Originally Posted by RRS (Post 433130)
I understand I'd get more replies if my posts would be, say, about me being totally clueless at playing Fallout/Baldur's Gate...?

Don't bet on it :p
However the overall mood of this forum has changed quite a long time ago. More serious threads are a rarity here now, with more seriously oriented members also gone. Maybe it's just not the best place to post a thread about personal issues, seeking advice, on a forum about games.

The Fifth Horseman 30-08-2011 11:11 AM


Originally Posted by RRS (Post 433115)
It sucks not only because I didn't make $ or that I failed my community. During my research I met authors of books my Dad was getting 30+ years ago... I feel I let them down, too. And screwed up my resume, too, wasting so much time on this project.

Wrong. You made a choice that was logical at the time. From what you've told us, you did NOT have anything to do with any of the screw-ups. Incompetent clients/bosses do happen. :whops:


You'll shout "get a normal job, abandon all your crazy ideas". The point is they won't let me sleep at night anymore... I need to work on something I believe in. It gives my otherwise dull body wings.
Welcome to the club. :)
Crazy? We're all mad here, dear Alice. If everyone was completely sane (did such a person ever exist, anyhow?), the world would be boring.
To quote Justin DuMorne, mediocrity is a terrible fate.

If you're looking for a coder... well, I don't have a problem with coding for the challenge, lulz and kudos. Keeps me from getting bored. Might learn a thing or two in the process, which is also a good thing.

Eagle of Fire 30-08-2011 11:54 AM


with more seriously oriented members also gone.
Hey, I'm still around. But I have a principle which I usually follow, going around not speaking about things I don't know about. Which is why I cannot really help this guy...

TotalAnarchy 30-08-2011 01:46 PM

If you ever need some, I can give you help with submitting info to databases, making games etc. etc.; my field of interests is quite wide, I can digest pretty much everything. My contribution rating is also high, I mean I'm designing the Abandoned Times mag issue 02 by myself, even though I'm not a designer by heart, and it's my first time using inDesign. Is there a crazier person THAN ME?

I've tried just like you a lot of things, including my own gaming news site, in Romanian. In the end I wasn't satisfied with its insuccess, so I deleted the hell out of it, after 1 year of existence. Now, I want to try and learn how to draw comics properly and if I believe this "How to Draw Comics the Marvel Way" book there's much more erasing going on here than actual drawing :p.

Anyways, I feel that your conceptions are a bit off. I'm probably in the same position as you are - wanting to work all my life on something that I like. But few people actually manage this feat. In truth, even though I know archaeology the best in my own University group, I sometimes get the feeling that I have the least chances to become an archaeologist. So I slowly changed my way of thinking. A normal job is not so bad in my opinion, but as long as I'll have the opportunity I'll keep trying to improve in my beloved fields and try to break out towards success.

RRS 30-08-2011 04:01 PM

History was my passion from my childhood (this is evident in my past & present project), and I too considered archeology, TotalAnarchy. But I did realize that even more "mainstream" generic history studies won't give me a decent job.

3D CGI on the other hand would find its use in TV, advertising, architecture, movies or computer games (today's Internet didn't exist back when I was 15). But I was a bit ahead of my time. I couldn't find proper educational institutions 10-15 years ago in my country. In high school it was "so, you use computer? fine, we'll make you a programmer!". While in film school (you may laugh now) it was "so... what's your favorite movie by Kieślowski? because we can't play back your presentation CD" (yeah, they've preferred the guy who did copy&paste job using 2 VCRs). They were both backwarded in their own way...
From that time I became disenchanted with 3D graphics.

Not sure what to do I did try to get normal boring job (even as low as in a supermarket), while getting extra $ via translating commissions (I've translated several games into Polish). Maybe I could become a boring average person back then, but things changed over the years - for worse.


Originally Posted by The Fifth Horseman (Post 433159)
You made a choice that was logical at the time.

If only people doing job interviews with me had your insight...


Originally Posted by The Fifth Horseman (Post 433159)
Welcome to the club.

That's why I made this thread. Not to whine about "poor me", but because uncommon people like us should hang together, talk with each other. Maybe one of you join me on one of my projects? Heck, maybe I will join one of yours, guys?

I know that talking so much about myself may sound hectic, chaotic. That's because I want to be brief (in order not to bore you), yet to properly present who I am. That flight sim/history project committed me for 3 years. It wasn't "a flash in the pan". I've brought documentation from abroad to re-create in 3D aircraft that no longer exist today. I've suggested museum in Kraków that an interactive presentation could be made for visitors using my models. I made numerous acquaintanceships. One TV journalist found my project and we sold one model for TVP only thanks to my swift action. But do you know why it hit me so hard? At that point when I decided I had no choice but to dump everything (my partner/boss owed me money for translations for 5 months), I was promised not only an interview in a magazine (history/modeling buffs) but also a meeting with a pre-war aircraft engineer/designer, probably last meaningful living one in my country (I even walked pass that guy during a certain meeting, but they've told me who he is too late to approach him on that day). Today even a million dollar budget won't help, as that was the last chance in my lifetime (such old people don't live forever).

marko river 07-09-2011 09:38 PM

This topic caught my attention when it was started, but didn't have time to properly respond.

Anyway, I do agree that such people should maintain contact with each other, if nothing else then for pure reminding that there's not so few of us, supposing that I am one of them. Man is social being and sometimes when you're down presence of other people helps, even the virtual presence. And place like this is surely one among other places to find such people.

I surely haven't worked on so many projects, but I had my share of enthusiastic projects, the most important one being a game that should be normally done in few months by experienced team. We were not experienced team, we tried for couple of years although we had no one for graphics and sound. Then it was time for me to quit and I took it real hard. I mean, I don't mind quitting in order for some better team to finally finish everything so that the guy who developed all levels and game rules can finally publish it. And I surely learned a lot in the process. But I mind a lot investing so much into a dream that never came to life. The game got finished in the end, I think it's even being sold on Steam, but that wasn't the game I was making. That wasn't the game we were making either, but after so long this guy wanted it done even though he doesn't like the final product and I totally understand him. And that's another lesson: professionals can't make magic or pure art, they can only be part of the creating process if the people with vision have enough time and resources to finish the thing properly. But I'm sure that on old-games-lovers forum we all know that.

So, what do I do now? Well, I consider myself lucky since I'm a coder and I love my job. It has enough creativity to be interesting and lots of things to learn. Therefore normal job is having a very positive influence on me plus it allows me to at least slightly sort out my life. But since I never really cared about material part of life, it doesn't solve as much as with most of the people around me. But it is surely a solid part of basics for future. Naturally I still have dreams, but I also learned patience. Enthusiasm alone is not enough, so for now I'm trying to keep a hold on my creative side, writing down some ideas, learning new stuff, even songwriting helps. Sooner or later I'll be up working on something purely for my own satisfaction. I even think of continuing where I left with this game I was making although it got published... It would be a great challenge indeed and it would be just one battle in the war that is destined for me - showing that 2D can still beat 3D on many grounds.

Ok I don't want to sound like some hater of new things. I just feel that good 2D game is still a good game and that even the people that are all about graphics will play 2D games if the game is good. There are examples of new 2D games that were successful, I just wish there are more of them. And I feel there are things for me to do before focusing on 3D :)

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