two women talk:
- By the way, did I tell you my daughter is going to participate in the Miss Universe competition?
- whaaat? but she's as fat as a hippo.
- yeah.
- well you know they don't even make any dresses that big!
- read my lips. she is going to be mis U-NI-VERSE !

A man walks into a bar and says: Two wiskeys to the bartender. The bartender askes him what the occasion is as he is engulfing the first one, and he just says I got my first blow job. The bartender then says, well thats good news, another on the house! The guy then says, thanks man, if two can't get out the flavor maybe the third will

Sorry but this one is a little sick :sick:

There was once a man with a pet rat. He loved his rat, and kept it in the basement of his house. This man had a sleeping disorder, and he would toss and turn in his sleep thinking about rats. Every night, he would feed his rat and watch it grow. But soon he had many rats, and he continued to feed the rats. Eventually there were so many rats that many of them had to go into the house to avoid piling on top of one another. And soon, the man found his rats had eaten everything in the house, including his mother. The night this was happening, the rats discovered how dark his room was...

So our young man goes to the store and gets every package of cheese and container of peanut butter he can get his hands on. The cashier says, man. You feeding an army? The man says, you don't know the half of it. The cashier, after ringing up all the items, says to him, man, you know you smell like muck? When going home after chewing out the cashier, he fed the rats then checked out his room, and noticed that the rats had holes in the wall above his bed, and all other furniture. Upon the surface of everything in his room, including the floor, was an inch thick slab of rodent droppings. Worse yet, there were shoe marks in it leaving the room, and smear marks all over the bed. Looking down at his shirt, he noticed what the cashier was talking about.

well, my friend, eather I'm completely bonkers, or that story wasn't actualy funny. it's far too long for a joke too...

How can you make a cat bark?

You throw it in gazeline and start it. The cat will go " WOOF!"



How can you make a dog meeaw?

You freeze it cold and put it on a mechanical saw. When cut through it will make a "MEEEAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWW" sound.


:D

One day fisherman catched a golden fish. She said: "Don't eat me, I'm golden fish and I will ....."
"Yummy!", said the fisherman.

Here's another old one:

There was a magical grass-hopper being chased by a bird. The grasshopper told two guys if they saved it it would give each a wish. So they freed the grasshopper from the torment of the bird and It said, ok, Ill give you the first wish, and you the second wish. The first guy said, I want to be the smartest man in the world. The grass hopper said, done. The second guy said, I want to be smarter than the smartest man in the world. The grasshopper looked at him for a minute, then said, done. The second man was turned into a woman.

Mommy, why did all the dinosaurs go away? *a strange buzz comes from the tv*
Recent Non-existant evidence shows that volcanic activity in the atmosphere may have caused impotency, and in severe cases, sterility in dinosaurs...

Two frogs are hopping on the highway.

Frog 1:Watch out for that ca[SPLUT]
Frog 2:What ca[SPLUT]

@a1s:

We heard that you were held up at gun-point last night. The hi-jacker gave you 2 choices, suck his c*ck or die. We are glad to know that you are ok.

:bye: :D :ok: :D :bye: