Playtime with Kelv's Krayons

[Kelbert]

Hello, i am Kelbert and i like to make things on the computer and in real life sometimes too.

I am an intern in a design department and i hope to goto canada at the end to make even more awesome games than the ones i already play.

Since i am not so good with writing i am going to review the games i play here in a way that lets you understand how i feel when i play them, and maybe offer some spoilers to totally ruin the experience for you if you decide to play them later.

[Kelbert]

Super Atomic BomberMan

When my mate Jim comes around and brings his dirty consoles we can play super bomberman.

i have the pc version on disc but i don't have the dongle for copy protection which isn't a problem cos you just need to edit the .exe but there is another problem that is a bigger one: i do not have any disc drives that will interface with my motherboard and i have even tried shouting at the disc in a threatening manner but it still won't tell me how to put it on my computer.

My favourite thing about super bomberman is that you can make it more interesting by ponying up some kind of wager.
me and jim usually play for each other's clothes, because he has some cool ubisoft t-shirts that i want to wear occasionally. he just likes my shoes but you have to be fair so we just say "ok lets play for them all".





http://i.imgur.com/Casp0s.png (http://i.imgur.com/Casp0.png)

:-=you can click the little picture to make it bigger=-:






I do not think you have truly experienced super atomic bomberman until you have played it when you have no clothes on with your friends on your telly on their SNES.



hmm i do not know how to resize things into a thumbnail preview

[Kelbert]

Scorched Earth: [neglectful] Mother of All Games

As a younger person i used to play this game with my friends over at their house on their 386 desktop. it was good cos we got to have turns in the hotseat.
if you were in the hotseat you had to take your turn really really fast as there is a time limit and the other players would try to make you waste your time because you had to do a bucket and a shot of tequila while you aimed your MIRV.

that and the cluster bomb were my favourite cos you could make the colour set to be neon or primary or uber-technicolour. no-one else really liked the more outlandish sets but i didnt care cos i was fast at taking my turn so i could goto options and make it so it was the one i wanted AND turn it back before my go ended.

one of the people i would play with was my mate carl's gf and she had some kids with someone else so carl was sad and he cried a bit and so we didn't like her any more.

I found out that she is a bit of a slapper so it makes sense that she would also be a neglectful mother and so whenever i think of scorched earth i think of that situation where my mate was crying and how all i wanted to do was for him to have his go so the rest of us could finish the game.





http://i.imgur.com/imV6gs.png (http://imgur.com/imV6g.png)

:-= teh neglectful mother of all games =-:







For the record: I really like Skyrim (my 1st character is level 72 now) and think it is the best Elder Scrolls game to date.
I would not allow its older brothers to bully it and say it has a terrible magic system and is too easy after level 7.




the magic system in arx fatalis is an interesting one. similar to black and white.

[Kelbert]

Spy vs Spy, Dance Revolution, Team Fortress 2

Sometimes i like to get out the old dance mat close the curtains and angle the lampshade so it is like i am on stage and dancing (well moving my legs cos if i use my arms i knock things over sometimes and they can break) for a hot girl that is turned on by watching me play dance revolution.

there are some classic tunes that i like to bang out sometimes but i prefer to play traditional scottish folk music and sword dance the steps:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTPj93TttZs

but on that particular track i can never get the highest score compared to my friends because i always try to pull off some seriously sick moves while they just step about like they are dancing hardstyle shuffle which everyone knows is for poofs.

anyway i was just thinking about what initials to put in when i totally pwnd everyone and got highscore for being the best dancer out of me and my mate phil cos i usually do ASS but i thought i could do KKK but thats racist and if i was called Kelbert Isa Dude then i coulda put KID but thats a bit lame so i stuck with ASS.
but then suddenly the power ran out and i was very upset and my bottom lip wobbled a bit but it was ok cos my mate phil says to me, "don't be upset mate you should be proud cos they were some killer sick sweet moves you just did on dance revolution and i'm not even joking" and that made me feel better even tho i had never gotten number 1 score on that track before.

because i am paranoid, i thought it is a big conspiracy to make me change the initials that i use to enter when i get on the scoreboard cos some people don't LOL or ROFL or even PMSL as much as i do about it.
hey that is a good idea - i will use LOL now sometimes too.

it might have been the work of some nefarious agents of a power with interests in screwing with my life. i am sure you all know what i am talking about but you don't have to say because there is a stigma attached to being a paranoid loony.

cos i was playing Spy vs Spy i thought it might definitely be agents but it was just that he has a key meter and so the credit for his electric had run out cos he is poor and lives on a council estate and smells of sour milk even when he comes out of the shower.
that game is so hard. i thought i could beat it now i am a grown up but the computer still wins. totally sucks. i played for 2 hours and it took me 1 hour to figure out the keys and then the last 30 mins was spent with me swearing at it.

my mate said to go play TF2 with him instead to cheer up but i hate TF2 cos it isn't as good as other games that i play and ppl are racist and mean to me all the time on it.
i only have it so i can trade the items i get on steam (for free) with all the thick ppl who want to give me games for it.
i like to watch the videos ppl make on garrys mod though. they make me LLAFL sometimes.





http://i.imgur.com/pMxc6s.png (http://i.imgur.com/pMxc6.png)

:-= i always enter my initials as ASS cos i am funny =-:







if you like TF2 then you will notice that there is a character in it called "the spy" who has the same name as the spies from spy vs spy which i do not think is a coincidence so someone has been totally ripping off TF2 again.

I have put all 3 games that i did play in the same review because i might not have any time to play games for this week cos it is busy cos of release dates coming soon so we all have to work really really hard even though people will find a million faults with it anyway.




no i will not trade you a bills hat for portal 2 cos i know you have a 75% off ticket so give me that and another game and i will give you the deus ex 3 items.

[Kelbert]

Dishonored

Even though i usually say to myself that i will not be paying full price for any games any more and especially not pre-ordering i have done just that several times over the past few months.

i have gotten farcry 3 hitman 5 and dishonored. dishonored is the first to be released out of the three so i am thinking about that one atm.

the guy in it is called corvo which to me sounds a bit like kurwa that is a swear word in some languages that you might or might not know. the videos make it look good but then they always do that and the screenshots are pretty cool. however rage looked cool and ended up being a bit lamer than it was supposed to be and dont even get me started on wet. that game totally sucked and i decided that bethesda must be high or something to make that kind of thing. sell outs.

i am quite nervous about it now because i couldve spent the money on a pizza delivery tonight instead and even been able to afford extra chicken strippers.





http://i.imgur.com/vzM10s.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/vzM10.jpg)

:-= i will not rage =-:






Here is hoping that i have made a good decision and that dishonored will be a most awesome game as good as deus ex mixed with thief mixed with hitman mixed with mirrors edge mixed with half life.

in some ways i hope it is just dishonored and not a mix of anything tho it is inevitable that it will have elements of play from other games since things evolve slowly in the world of computer gaming.




and it came with free arx fatalis, that i have also been playing lately. now i have 2 copies of it.

[Kelbert]

hello - i know this has nothing to do with games today, but I thought I would share a few more frames that go either side of the one in the "review" above:

http://i.imgur.com/xwNEF.jpg

http://i.imgur.com/ps1ez.jpg

If anyone would like to see the finished scene, I will post that when the lettering and layout is complete. However, you are advised that it is quite mature in content and some people may find it upsetting :picard:

I will not post the back frame, since that only works in layout and also it would spoil the story! :p

[TotalAnarchy]

Is that from a to-be-published comic, or something online?

[Kelbert]

yes - forthcoming material : )

[Kelbert]

Donkey Kong

So tonight i decided to have another bash at donkey kong that i really only like to play on the old VFD bleepers that take watch batteries and you cant get them wet else it makes the screen go weird.
it is still as annoying and pointless as i remember which is good because it means that most of the memories from my childhood are intact and that they are not so traumatic that i blank them out like some kids do that had traumatic childhoods and that kind of thing.

it is a lot like the old game magic mushrooms that i used to like playing. that one was a bit better than donkey kong cos you not only had to avoid things that would take away one of your characters lives but had to collect stuff too.
i think that bubble bobble is my favourite game in this format however the gameplay is very different but thats ok because of two reasons. the first is that this is my review so i can put wtf i like in it so long as there are connexions no matter how spooky and secondly i dont care.

one thing it did make me remember in between me yelling at my monitor and throwing the ps3 remote against the wall (it is fun to use the ps3 remote for games because xbox remote totally sux no offence but its shit and worse than n64 remote that i am sure some people did use sexually) is that if i am to watch a cartoon meant specifically for little girls - it will most likely be MLP because MLP is sick.





http://i.imgur.com/w7ZHZs.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/w7ZHZ.jpg)

:-= MLP == WIN =-:






however i think that my favourite MLP is in fact silver spoon because she is like that girl character in films that is really hot but noone notices and even the audience thinks she isnt as hot as say liv tyler who really isnt as hot as the chick who is always after the main guy character who doesnt see she is the hottest girl in the entire universe. or she is with some asshole bf and it makes me think that he is a douche for being an asshole to her because she is the sweetest and hottest girl in the entire universe.

i would totally do silver spoon so long as she got laser surgery to remove that stupid tattoo from her arse areas.

before anything like that could ever happen i think it is best to first assume gangnam style
http://youtu.be/9bZkp7q19f0

ok now i am in the mood for dancing romancing oohhh im giving it all tonight.
http://i.imgur.com/QRIw2.png




I wonder why imgur has saved one as a jaypeeg and one as a punguy
:lame: i like this banana smiley. the gorilla is not supposed to look like marcellus wallace from pulp fiction but he kind of does

[Kelbert]

Jet Pac (1983 Speccy / 1984 BBC Micro version)

Hello everyone. i do not really feel like doing a review atm as i am sad but i have been in bed and hiding under the duvet with my laptop while eating blue doritos and guacamole for about 2 hours playing a game that you do not have at abandonia that i think is fun anyway. it is called jet pac [sic] as the title says.
in it you must collect parts to your rocket ship while avoiding coloured um... things.

interestingly the very first games mag charts that came out for spectrum had this game at number 1. idk about the bbc version but who cares right? i mean it is a point of fact that only real geeks would want to discuss which is why i am dropping the subject because i might be a real geek but i am not only a real geek.

also interestingly i am now single ladies so pls form a queue if you want to spend some time with an obese sweating person who rarely leaves the house and refuses to wash or shave more than a few times a month. i also do not flush the toilet every time but i do rinse my hands for 3 seconds under the cold tap before wiping them on my kfc encrusted chinos.
i have joined an internet dating service since i did break up with my gf and you can see my profile and pic here: http://tiny.cc/w77njw

anyway enough of my problems i am sure you are not interested in my plights and trials that involve jet packing about avoiding coloured things in order to collect parts of a rocket ship so i can get to the next level.

one thing i like about being sad and playing old games while in a duvet tent is that it makes me think of all the other stuff that was around that time. for instance this game is from 1984 (the bbc one) and george orwell wrote a nice film about 1984 when he was in the past and it was about going into space to negotiate the removal of an umbrella corp by nuclear disarmament.

here is a scene from the film:





http://i.imgur.com/hglV5s.png (http://i.imgur.com/hglV5.png)

:-= the future's bright; the future's a dingy reddy-brown colour =-:







so anyway you could give it a whirl because i have found a place to play it online if you really want to see what all the fuss is about.
http://www.twinbee.org/hob/play.php?snap=jetpac



it is nice that some things never change or get better or worse because then it is the same and that is nice.

[Kelbert]

Monkey Island

While you are reading this review i think it would be good if you first clicked on this link so you can be like me and go "wow that is the best computer game music i have ever heard EVAR and im not even joking!!!".
http://youtu.be/mYZXNVHVfhc

ok now you have the background music i will review the game but i dont think i really need to because you already know that it is bloody brilliant. at least the 1st and 2nd one is even tho the 2nd one is way better.
the 3rd one is also pretty cool and i have it on scummvm along with lots of other games that i like to play.

one bit i didnt really like in number 4 was the bit with munkey kombat. it was trying to be a bit like the others with insult swordfighting but it was not like that and at the end you had to draw 3 times with lechuck and that is why it took me so long because i am a bit thick and rage quit when winning didnt win and neither did losing.

the telltale ones are quite funny and make me LOL a lot. so does strong bad and also sam n max. back to the future is ok but i havent finished it i am on episode 4 now and really cant be arsed with it because i have the walking dead games and law and order legacies that i finished the other day.

the walking dead game is ace and lots of my friends come round to play it with the ps3 remote on my pc with the biggest monitor so they can sit in my massive boss chair that i use for relaxing in front of my pc with a game when i use the ps3 remote.
i highly recommend it even though it seems to be taking them an inordinate amount of time to release the episodes. i do not care but on facebook ppl are always slagging off telltale and making death threats against them if they do not hurry up. that is very stupid to act like a baby and i hope that you do not do that kind of thing.





http://i.imgur.com/25gOqs.png (http://i.imgur.com/25gOq.png)

:-= this is what guybrush thinks of monkey kombat =-:







i was going to do another game called battle chess but then me and my internet buddy called fortisbro who were talking about chess and stuff decided to talk about monkey island and we said that the first ones were best. it is nice to have my opinions validated so this is a tribute to the chatbox.



i am still having problems getting used to gimp 2.8, even though it is a lot better and has a million more functions; it can take a lot longer to perform the same action that took micro-seconds in gimp 2.6.

[TotalAnarchy]

To be frank the aliens in Jetpac look more original than, say, in Sword of the Stars where besides humans there are three types of aliens, insect-like aliens, gorilla-like aliens and dolphin-like aliens. Quite hilarious. :p

As for MI, I still think Monkey Island 2's ending is the worst.

[Kelbert]

I have no idea wtf was happening at the end of MI2. It still confuses and scares me.
I prefer this one, which wouldn't be so brill if it wasn't for the fact that the original was so bizarre and terrible:

http://youtu.be/m-CTx-S9f-8

[Kelbert]

Brit Indie Bundle

if you were paying attention you will have noticed that there was a bunch of so called indie games put together in a bundle for you to buy the other day.
it consisted of several games that i will list for your convenience:


ben there dan that
and
time gentlemen please
gratuitous space battles
revenge of the titans
eufloria
defcon
frozen synapse
and maybe another one that i cant remember


i have most of these games already but i really wanted to play eufloria because i like experimental games and also vector graphics. that is why i like to play pixeljunk eden.

out of all of these the worst ones are probably gratuitous space battles which is just boring and also frozen synapse which is over complicated and fiddly.
these games would be better suited to mobile devices or sanitary pads imho because that is the attention span that they deserve.

us british people like our games because we have a long tradition of having to stay indoors and saying, "ee by gum lad check outside its belting cats and dogs it is flippin eck tucker".
that is why we all pwn so hard and make the best games ever. you might think that the best games are made by french and canadian people because ubisoft and square enix/io interactive are the best studios in the galaxy, but you would be wrong. we just put on silly accents and eat a lot of garlic to put you on the wrong track.

i was going to say wrong scent but puns make me go ugggh which is what french sounds like when those people open their mouths and noises come out.

the best ones are eufloria, defcon and revenge of the titans because i like tower defence games and often you can find me playing pixeljunk monsters 2player with my godson on the ps3 at his house.





http://i.imgur.com/FxXSxs.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/FxXSx.jpg)

:-= brits pwn cos summer sucks so much =-:







anyway you have missed the chance to get millions of great games for the price of less than one because you are late and should have gotten up earlier. they do not say the early bird catches the worm for no reason. worms get up especially early and goto bed early too so that is why that is true. just ask my mates jim or his mrs phillipa or my mate beth what are coming round to play the walking dead game this weekend cos they finally released episode 3.

also please do not tell anyone that i said frozen synapse sucks because i went to the pub with the devs in nottingham which isnt far from me when it was released and we all had a party and drank girly cocktails and i kissed a lady and we all said it was a jolly good wheeze eh what old bean.



i think that particular rain effect is ok but if you reduce the RGB noise a bit it probably looks better. it is easy to reproduce if you also want to add the british effect to any of your pictures and it only takes a few seconds and i have even written some script-fu and uploaded it to gimp as a plug-in so you dont even have to follow instructions and im not even joking.

[Kelbert]

Daley Thompson's Decathalon

Perhaps you have already been paying attention at the back there and have already noticed that it is the paralympic games which isnt about jumping out of airplanes but they do have this one cool game that i will tell you about. right after you have put on the opening ceremony which was a bit cool but a bit sell out and so i feel ambivalent towards it:

http://youtu.be/KfmpxaLl6c4

idk not know why disabled people have to always make a big deal out of being disabled and then wonder why other people do and they dont like being made a fuss of.

it is the most amazing stephen hawking and orbital having a jam session. for real. way better than the regular olumpicses.
the really cool game i was telling you about is this one for blind people (i do a website for blind people who want to watch films - i prefer films you can listen to which is why the hunger games sucked so much even when you opened your eyes) where they all have blindfolds to make sure no-one is peeking cheating and then they have to stop a ball from getting into their goal.
they just listen for it.

so this reminded me of another retarded paralympic game that is called daley thompson so i did play it and found that you have to turn your ps3 remote to have digital buttons cos the analogue modes really screw the game up.
you could use the mouse i guess but what fun is that?





http://i.imgur.com/tNkHFs.png (http://i.imgur.com/tNkHF.png)

:-= the mouse is joining in so they dont notice they could be talking about her =-:







it would of course be way more fun to play it with a little 1 button atari joystick but i dont have one of those things.
i also played frogger which is pretty good and has some nice colours and hard bits after level 7 and also i played some more deus ex and arx fatalis because they are both class.
i cant get arx fatalis to work with the ps3 remote because it has too many controls to bind in order to play well. plus drawing the magic runes can prove difficult. means i have to sit on my office chair instead of my big comfy recliner but thats ok cos then i can play eufloria and zombie shooter 2 as well.



loremipsem is what you are supposed to put in blank spaces i read that one time.

[Kelbert]

Left 4 Dead

There is only one thing that I can say about left 4 dead right now:





http://i.imgur.com/3iD91s.png (http://i.imgur.com/3iD91.png)

:-= mother of mercy =-:







that is everything you need to know about that.



i wanna make a better spray, so i will be back to finish this later

[Kelbert]

Portal

If you have not ever played portal then i would say to you to go out and get a copy of it because it is one of the best games that i did play about 5 years ago which is ages in the past.
there is also a new game that has been talked about over the past few months and i think has been confirmed now that is called half life 3 that will hopefully be pretty good. i liked the other ones and i even got to play half life 2a and 2b after i did get the orange box.

valve make some good stuff but i hope that half life 3 will not be a prequel sequel because they are lame like the episodes of star wars that came a long time ago in a galaxy far far away that were not part of the original trilogy of which number 2 was the best and then it is a tie (heh, like tie fighter) between numbers 1 and 3 which are ok.
the rest are all shit and i advise that you do not watch them and join me in boycotting anything that does not have darth vader in it.

most people do not realise that portal is also a game from a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.





http://i.imgur.com/elFIPs.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/elFIP.jpg)

:-= cave paintings discovered near black mesa support the idea that portal is now an old game =-:







it is ok though because games like portal are what is known as "instant classics" and so that means people will become really snobbish about them and will make lots of videos and memes and wear tshirts with it on. i have a mousemat with it and also a tshirt because i am a fanboy and i cannot express myself except by displaying the creations of others on my person.

that is why i have no tattoos.




dota2 is not a game that i would wanna play however so valve failed with that one on the kelvin's interest scale of 1 to 10.

[Kelbert]

Intermission

Since i have not had much time for games lately except I Am Alive which is a bit like Shadow of teh Colossus and has nice confrontation mechanics and i am saving myself up for dishonoured there might be a brief interlude between reviews.

in the meantime i hope that you can enjoy these reviews of different subject matters:





http://i.imgur.com/owXc1s.jpg (http://i.imgur.com/owXc1.jpg)

:-= An Editorial about How Activision Don't Get It =-:

http://i.imgur.com/MEFEas.png (http://i.imgur.com/MEFEa.png)

:-= A Critique on Inherit the Earth: Quest for the Orb =-:

http://i.imgur.com/ZFu96s.png] (http://i.imgur.com/ZFu96.png)

:-= A Review of Me Posing Like a Baws =-:








i am entering a tekken tournament this saturday to win a copy of the game for xbox. i do not like xbox or even own one and my mate already has it but i can xchange it for a tshirt maybe.
i have never played it before so i am hoping to win 1st place and im not even joking. i get a figure for entering that i can melt with a magnifying glass so its win win for everyone.




would u believe it i have messed up the previews. again.

[TotalAnarchy]

I really dig those Portal pictograms. :smile2:

[Kelbert]

ha! yea man they are pretty neat.
I'm just installing Black Mesa to check that out - you can get a torrent download here:

http://www.gameupdates.org/details.php?id=5152&dllist=1

[Kelbert]

Seven Days a Skeptic

wow you know that i played this game right well its really really good. though if you do not like old graphic adventures because you only play WoW or fighting games on xbox like a r-tard like my mate steve then you might not like it cos it is a bit hard sometimes and even though there is a lift in the spaceship you have to walk everywhere and can't double click the edge of the screen to gtfo faster.

i find that a little annoying sometimes too but i have perseverance which is a good quality to have in people. i though that the game was quite scary and as good as Downfall which if you haven't played please find and play. it is also an adventure game and it is pretty damn scary let me tell you. and some of the artwork is great and when i look at it i am not sure if i feel sexually excited or disgusted because the feeling is in the pit of my stomach.

that is probably a bit of a weird thing to say but i think that if you have the internet then you are a colossal pervert since there is soooo much filth on the net and i'm not even joking ok? just turn off safe search on google (happy birthday google - you have made my life so much better by providing an excellent search engine and all the pron i could eat) and you can indulge your excesses TO TEH MAX!!!!!!1!!

So my review of Seven Days a Skeptic is that of awesomeness because i really needed a good adventure like that since i hadn't changed my underpants for a few days and they were getting smelly anyway.






http://i.imgur.com/JgSbTs.png (http://i.imgur.com/JgSbT.png)

:-= Seven Derply Sins =-:







this weekend i am in a dead or alive 5 tournament and my mate jim is coming with steve and hopefully this girl called jade who is really nice and smiley all the time if a little coarse but we can sort that out and help her quit smoking fags and wear less foundation and make up and stuff.
my mate jim is like giant haystacks and his weights are the kind that you had in 1800s that are balls with handles and you need a stripy bathing suit and moustache if you want to lift them. i can't lift the 30kg one its so heavy.

i'm such a wimp... :/




ok previews, don't fail me now!!!